The Bee's Knees

And a good Wednesday to you.

Last night I braved the snow - YES, SNOW. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! - to venture out to the cinema to take in "The Secret Life of Bees".

I'd tell you more about it, but it's a secret.

No. It wasn't so great. I enjoyed it, because I enjoy things that feature black ladies, but me-don't-thinks anybody's gonna be winning any Oscars from it.

It featured quite serviceable performances by Jennifer Hudson (who, yes, as it turns out, can act after all... suck it, Sex & The City: The Movie and the doubts that arose thereafter) and apparent cellist Alicia Keys - who, by the by, played the bitchy sister. Make no mistake about that.

Queen Latifah looked the portrait of a 1960's bee-keeping bull dyke (I know - is there any other kind?). Latifah is fast cornering the market on wise, elder authoritative black ladies... kinda like a female Morgan Freeman.

Dakota Fanning was her usual intense, precocious self. I don't care how normal an adolescence she's seeming to have, that bitch is always going to be the ringleader from Village of the Damned to me.

The real revelation of the evening (if there was one) was Sophie Okonedo as borderline retarded sister, Mae. I actually put her right up there with Sean Penn in "I Am Sam", Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" and Rosie O'Donnell in "Riding The Bus With My Sister" in terms of commendable cinematic portrayals of specially abled folk. Look at me being so PC. Ooh La La!

It must have kind of sucked for Sophie Okonedo, though. She's this fucking RADA-trained tragedian and she's playing opposite people whose acting credits include "Charlotte's Web", American Idol, "The Nanny Diaries" and of course, "Living Single".

I will say this about Jennifer Hudson, though: Just like the saying goes that "nobody gets beaten to death like Hilary Swank", no one can go from desperate to sassy like Jennifer Hudson. I'm very happy to know that she's finding her niche.

In other news:

Have you seen this yet? Y'should.

Wow.

I can only hope that she pulls out that condescending, passive-aggressive, "talking-to-8-year-olds" tone out of her pocket when she tries to finagle the nukes away from Kim Jong Ill.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?! The extent to which this bitch knows not what she says is getting out of control at this point!

I often joke that "I don't mean to play logistic police right now, but..." - I can't tell you how much I believe there truly SHOULD be some sort of private 'logic' brigade or something that can intervene when things just don't fucking make a stitch of sense - LIKE THE POSSIBILITY THAT THIS DUMB BITCH MIGHT BE RUNNING THE FREE WORLD IN A MATTER OF MONTHS!!!

Blerg.

Anyballs...

Until tomorrow!


--- Aj

Sweatdrops Sweatdrops Sweatdrops!!!

And a pleasant Wednesday to you and yours.

So what has it been? Since last Wednesday? Woo-howdy, I need to get on top of this shit. So much hath transpired since then...

First off: I'm well aware that I have yet to say but two words about the current crop of gals on the 11th glorious season of America's Next Top Model... but rest assured, my requisite blog appointing all the girls' doppelgangers is well under way... I typically wait for the makeovers before I cast any judgement...

Secondly: Thursday I got a call out of the blue that I was to come in and showcase at Yuks for a corporate client. Showcases are to comics what go-see's are to Top Models, y'see... Anyballs, guess who the client was? A lesbian softball association. Yep. With orders to keep it as inoffensive as possible and lesbo-sensitive. Yeah. Suffice to say, I didn't get the gig. I knew I should have busted out of my A League of Their Own material (which, by the way, I have an unsurprising abundance of...)

B'aaanyway, I spent the weekend drunk out of my skull, just like old times, which was nice.

Saturday night saw the birthday of Alex "Faith" Brown (named "Faith" after the now infamous armless canine who's captured the hearts of millions... :

... weird.) for which we were supposed to depart to at 11 PM. Then someone threw out the suggestion that we "just watch the first sketch" of SNL's season premiere. Yeah. That never happens. We ended up watching the whole fucking thing.

So yeah... on the whole, not great. They are going to be BEYOND screwed when Amy Poehler leaves in a few short weeks. BEYOND screwed. Casey Wilson, as lovely as she seems, isn't working. It's not going to happen. Put her out to pasture in a supporting role on a spin-off of The Office or something, but get her out of there.

That new fat guy could go either way. I'm going to reserve judgement of him until precisely the third episode, as I didn't necessarily "get" Fred Armisen right away either... little did I know he'd grow into Nicholas Fehn and of course, Nuni of "Nuni & Nuni" fame. If you don't know what I'm talking about right now, you probably think I'm a.) boring and b.) crazy. Which is quite a commendable combination of things to be, not gonna lie.

Anyballs... Andy Samberg ruled my fucking life with his impression of Cathy of Cathy Guisewite's Cathy comic strip fame... And to think... Cathy was the Carrie Brandshaw of her day back in the late 70's... WAKE ME UP WHEN I'M A SIZE 5!!! Ladies... am I right?

However, that Jar Glove thing made me lose it.

Kristen Wiig - thank God for you.

And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the thing that everyone's been talking about... Tina Fey's triumphant return as Sarah Palin...

Yep... probably the most must-see [live] thing to come out of that show since the infamous Debbie Downer giggle-fest of aught-Four... it's been EVERYWHERE recently.

Poehler and Fey, together again - already a dream scenario - channelling Sarah Palin and Hilary Clinton - another dream scenario - talkin' sexism.

If you were Hilary Clinton, I think one of your absolute saving graces must be when Amy Poehler does you. Because not only does Amy Poehler cause things to be awesome simply by association, but because each and every time she spoofs Hilary, very prevalent issues are brought to light and things are said that Hilary could neither bring to light nor say herself without being completely vilified by the press. Like, if you were to be watching it with Hilary, it must just be 5 straight minutes of her yelling at the TV, "THANK YOU! See?! SEE?! Oh, TOTALLY! YES! Oh my God, ME TOO! I know!"

It's so astoundingly true that the issue of sexism isn't factoring into anyone's treatment of Palin, and it's largely because Hilary made 15,000,000 cracks in that ceiling. Kind of unfair that all Palin had to do was peck at it with the duress of a baby duck cracking through its egg shell to shatter that ceiling and all of a sudden, be taken seriously.

Of course, another reason that sexism isn't playing a huge role in persecuting Sarah Palin, could be that the bitch has done more than enough ass-crazy shit to easily overshadow that.

DID YOU KNOW: Sarah Palin forced rape victims to pay for their own exams.

Yes. Under Sarah Palin, rape victims - or, rather, rape-ee's, if you will - had to buy their own "rape kits" - or, rather, rapeables, if you will - to collect the necessary evidence to convict their offenders.

Of course, this begs the obvious: I guess somebody's never been raped. Because from what I've heard, it's not a terribly pleasant experience, and usually, people who have been raped don't like to be reminded of this fact. I can't imagine running price comparisons and checking customer referrals on different brands of "rape kits" is at the top of anyone's list of things they love to do.

On the other hand, maybe Sarah Palin's totes been raped, and just thinks "ahhh, what's good for the goose is good for the gander".

But probably not.

Naturally, given the fact that Palin is also against abortion in cases of rape and/or incest, this basically means: SARAH PALIN DOES NOT BELIEVE IN RAPE. Or dinosaurs.

So that's all very grim and depressing, isn't it?

But... in lighter Palin-related news, this thing is mayhaps the greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator!

Taking a cue from the zany names of Sarah Palin's children (Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper), this highly scientific device generates what your name would be if you were blessed enough to be born of Sarah Palin...

What's yours?! Mine is: Lock Pepper Palin.

Good times.

Well not really.

It's terribly depressing to think that this woman might soon be leader of the free world (because make no mistake about it... John McCain will die. Like, 2 days after whomever's elected gets elected. He will. He'll fall down in the shower or something, but he will.)

Anyway, no matter how terrible things get, always remember - at least your arms aren't as fat as Jordin Sparks'.

--- Aj

PS - Slight photoshopographic exaggeration. Only slight, though.

Remember when I used to blog?

So hey.

Long time.

I know.

Y'see, proving that birds of a feather really do flock together, much like Rosie O'Donnell - I decided to take the month of August off from the blog. Unlike Rosie, I failed to mention that I was... so to anyone who thought that I was dead, I'm very sorry. Because I'm SO not dead. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact... but anyballs...

Hope your August was cool. Mine was alright. Just spent time relishing the dog days of summer, mostly - of course, relishing the dog days of summer Andrew Johnston-stylez, means spending little-if-no time lapping up rays of the smiling August sun NOR does it include using the polarizing condiment relish... so I guess it's not really relishing at all... but still... it was nice.

Anyballs, just as the kids have gone back to school today, as have I to this blog. So I'm back. Full force - FULL FORCE!

WHAT a month it's been in the news, huh? Like big, Big, BIG shit hit the fan over the month of August '08. So, as a semi-triumphant return to blogging of sorts, I thought I'd tidily round up the biggest and baddest news stories that made the headlines in August...

1.) SLUMBERING DUDE BEHEADED ON GREYHOUND BUS!!!

Wooo-howdy this one was a doozy. How explosively did everyone crap their pants when they read this one?

The long and short of it: At approximately 8:30 PM Central time just West of Winnipeg, an unassuming 22-year-old carnival worker by the name of Tim McLean was unexpectedly and gruesomely attacked by a previously though-to-be unassuming 40-year-old newspaper delivery person by the name of Vince Weiguang Li.

According to reports, all was silent on the western front until - out of nowhere - this stocky Asian man (Weiguang Li) very purposefully got up and started hacking the dormant McLean with a butcher knife, completely oblivious to the panicking passengers around him - all of which managed to evacuate the bus. Sometimethereafter, Weiguang Li tried to exit the bus, McLean's severed head in hand, but the passengers - who had somehow managed to grow a pair by this point - barricaded him in the bus, threatening him with hammers and wrenches on loan from a passing tow truck they'd flagged down.

By the time that authorities arrived, Weiguang Li was madly pacing up and down the aisle of the bus, saying that he "would have to stay on the bus forever". Obviously that didn't happen, and the crazy bitch was arrested with very little protest.

Appearing in court the day after (pictured), he kept his head bowed, saying nothing, and only nodding ever-so-slightly when the judge asked him if he this was because he was retaining his right to silence. The only time he does go on record saying something is his next court appearance, when he utters "please kill me".

Here's what we know:

- Tim McLean was a hockey trophy-case short of being the quintessential all-Canadian boy next door, which made his passing that much more tragic and that much more newsworthy on the international landscape. For realsies, I think half the reports I read about this dealt with the incident and the other half dealt with the fact that something that happened in Canada was making international news. Ha-cha-cha.

- Vince Weiguang Li had no previous record of violence or mental illness prior to this... but he sure as balls does now. Apparently he was just a very quiet-if-unfriendly solitary immigrant dude who delivered papers and stocked shelves at Walmart or some junk. There's been some talk about him going missing for a few days before this happened, even spending some time in a mental health facility. Anyballs - he's now officially been classified as a paranoid schizophrenic... which means that he'd constantly hear voices in his head that would dictate things for him to do or threaten him... a lot of the time, this manifests itself violently, and more often than not, in suicide, because the affected can't handle the constant inner-torment... and, from what I've been hearing in the mental health community (because I totally hang out in those circles, motherfuckers... read: my mom's a psychiatric nurse and she told me this), that's what's likely to happen to him. Anyballs - his next court date is scheduled for September 8th.

- All sorts of security measures have been proposed to ensure this doesn't happen again - everything from Greyhound barring carry-on luggage to knife registry. YES, KNIFE REGISTRY. Okay... not to belittle this gruesome, gruesome incident and by no means to be insensitive to the deceased... but I think more people are killed by falling asteroids than beheaded on buses. I think this is a bit of an exceptional circumstance. That said, I'm sure as balls not travelling by bus anytime soon, so I guess I'm just a big fat hypocrite. Que Sera Sera.

2.) CHINA SHUNS ITS SNAGGLE-TOOTHED DAUGHTERS!!!

... As if feet binding wasn't enough? Gah.

So, the Olympics came, and the Olympics went. Butterface'd swimmers won medals and journalists protesting China's treatment of Tibet went mysteriously missing.

But the MOST buzz-worthy event to come from Beijing '08, at least in my eyes? That Milli Vanilli fiasco from the opening ceremonies.

The long & short of it: There was a nation-wide search in China (talk about looking for a needle in a hay-stack! Zing.) to look for a girl with a perfect voice to sing a freshly-penned song entitled "Hymn to the Motherland" (which kinda sounds like the title of a Nazi anthem in its blinding grandeur, but whatever) when they finally scrounged up the golden pipes of Yang Peiyi (pictured, right). Rehearsals were going swimmingly until the political powers that be got their panties in a bunch over her rather unpretty snaggle teeth, and at the last minute, replaced with her with a considerably more telegenic counterpart named Lin Miaoke (the bitch who looks plucked straight out of the Chinese chorus of the "It's A Small World" ride at Disney World, pictured to the left).

Here's what we know: Chalk this up to the consorted effort by the Chinese government to gentrify the country in time for the Olympics... On top of rigid anti-spitting laws, mandatory single-file lineup laws and compulsory English lessons for anyone remotely mercantile, it turns out that snaggle teeth aren't beneficial for China's "national interest". Isn't this EXACTLY what happened back in 1990 in the C&C Music Factory's smash-hit "Everybody Dance Now"? How Martha "It's Raining Men" Wash sang the vocals, but in the video, they substituted her for the considerably more-attractive lip synch stylings of Zelma Davis??? And then Martha Wash sued - and won - and then appeared in C&C Music Factory's subsequent hits??? Yeah. It's exactly like that. Except unlike Yang and Lin, I don't think Martha needed to go back to her job assembling Bratz dolls in a sweatshop. Again, Que Sera Sera.

3.) BARACK OBAMA SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!

... and it's not Hilary...

... or Oprah...

... or even Jackee Harry...

Balderdash.

4.) MCCAIN SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!

And it's a chick!!! Holy fuck!!! Suck it, Obama!!!

And moreover, it's Tina Fey. Holy balls.

No.

As the world at large knows by this point, her name is Sarah Palin - she's the Governor (or rather, Governess) of Alaska, she's pro-life, pro-gun, pro-anti-gay-marriage, soon to be pro-raping the arctic in search of glorious, glorious oil and about a decade shy of being half McCain's age. For realsies... don't they look like the oddest little May/December romance? Yuck.

Anyballs... isn't this just like the Dr. Suess tome Wacky Wednesday sprung to life? The Democrats choose a surly white dude for Veep and the Republican's choose a ballbustin' broad. What's next?! People wearing shoes on their head and hats on their feet?!?!?! AHHHH!!!

In other news... the McCain campaign musn't be wise to the facebook machine yet. Palin's daughter Bristol (classy name) is pregnant and has ample photographic evidence online that suggests she's an underage drinker. Also, apparently she supported a party in Alaska that's been aiming to separate it from the US. Yeah. FUN!

Finally...

The most important and savoury news item that passed during my hiatus...

5.) "HAIRSPRAY" STAR AND "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL" ALUM BRAWL AT AIRPORT!!!

HOLY BALLS! I leaped out of my skin when this item broke.

The long and short of it: Although details remain scant, early on in August, a real-life edition of Celebrity Family Feud erupted in an airport on the Isle of Turks & Caicos... only instead of beating each other with the most commonly said answer to a general interest survey, they actually used their fists. Apparently the Blonsky family were taking up an exorbitant amount of seats (which, considering their ample physical girth, doesn't seem surprising... but instead, they had their luggage up on it), and refused to move it when a member of that skank bitch from ANTM Cycle 9 Bianca's presumably skanky Klan came up and asked them to. The Blonsky's finally conceited, when someone from The Golden (that's Bianca's last name... because she be classy, y'all) family remarked "I don't want to sit next to no white bitch" and sparring ensued.

Here's what we know: When the dust settled, several people had to be hospitalized - to the surprise of no one, really, as I could see both sides carrying shanks, or at least knowing how to fashion a shank easily - and charges were filed: Both Bianca and Nikki were charged with "bodily harm" while Nikki's father Carl was charged with "grievous bodily harm". Both Bianca and Nikki were released on bail, but Nikki's father Carl remains in custody until a court date sometime this fall.

You couldn't even make this shit up if you tried. I've been waiting with baited breath to hear that this was instead some sort of reality show prank or something, but no - the shit is real! I don't actually think I could ask for a better combination of D Listers to engage in something like this EVER... well... maybe Brigitte Nielson and Clay Aiken or something... that'd be pretty awesome, too...

Whatevs.

Anyway.

More tomorrow.

Good to see you again!!!

--- Aj