Catchin' Up: American Idol...

And a good Wednesday to you.

Ah Wednesday's. Named after the mythical Welsh god Woden. From what I can deduce, he was into humping. Which is why they named this day after him. Who the balls knows.

So... as you can imagine, on the eve of the first elimination of the American Idol's 8th season, I felt compelled to m'blog. I've been offering musings on Idol for nigh on 4 seasons now via my blog, so it just didn't seem right to abandon that tradition the way 60% of this season's female contestants have abandoned their children (for, at most, a span of 12 weeks... any way...)

Which brings me to my first point... what is with the gaggle of young mothers this season? And not just in the finals - the ratio in the finals is actually quite on point with the number the dozen or so that were in the semi-finals, and furthermore, the hundreds in the preliminaries... okay... maybe that's an exaggeration... but still!

Anyballs... this is what I make out of last night/this season so far...

In order of appearance.

Lil Rounds... Don't think I need to tell you that I love her on sheer principle. I'm kind of predisposed to love sassy, quirkily-named, animated black chicks who are both generously voiced and generously buttock'd. That would be one Lil Rounds to a tee. She'll fill this season's requiste-black- diva-who-sails-to-the-second-runner-up-position quite nicely... although she's not as vocally blessed as others who've filled that role before her (think: Kimberley Locke, Vonzell Solomon, Melinda Doolittle), she's got delivery, poise and moxie to more than make up for it. Expect her to stick around for a while... well, until precisely the Top 3, as I just said.

Scott McIntyre... is blind and don't you forget it, asshole. This season has well established itself as THE season of the backstory and Scott is its poster boy - his intro clip package literally ran for a milisecond before he said "I've been blind since birth...". His vocals are middling at best... reminiscent of a young Christopher Cross (some dead fucking sexy stuff here, people...) BUT HE'S BLIND, SO YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HIM!!! Methinks this going to be one bumpy ride we're in for with him... think Sanjaya, but with an actual physical disability.

If Danny Gokey wasn't a.) a dead wife pity-monger b.) a Jesus freak and c.) actually named "Danny Gokey", I think I'd like him. He's got a great voice - a perfectly palatable growl reminiscent of a young Michael Bolton (which I actually mean as a compliment... I do enjoy the Bolton from time to time...) and an unassuming charisma about him. Unfortunately items a.), b.) and c.) still stand. So no fucking dice. Meh. Pending a Chris Sligh-esque flameout in the next couple of weeks, expect him to go far.

Michael Sarver... would last a lot longer if he succumbed to stereotype and went country. Instead he's just another Color-Me-Badd-esque R&B-warbling wigger about 15 years too late. He probably delivered the best performance he could have hoped for last night, and should stave off elimination for one week and one week only... but m'afraid he's back to the oil rigs after that. Which is apparently the most dangerous job ever, or something.

Jasmine Murray... has the face that Li'l Kim had initially envisioned at the onset of her plastic surgery. I'm convinced of it. And her mother is the hottest tranny I've ever laid eyes upon. She's got about all the potential in the world - a potentially great voice, a potentially great look, a potentially great performance style - but it's all undercooked at this point. And considering the fact that she wasn't actually voted IN to the competition in the first place, things are looking pretty grim for her tonight...

Kris Allen... is fine, if you like that sort of thing. I think he's terribly nondescript and doesn't even give me half a boner. He rode the heartthrob wave into the finals (snatching that position away from much better-singing, boner-inducing candidates... Ricky Braddy, natch) on an exceptionally impressive vocal showing, and I guess he's now trying to carve out his niche as some sort of Jason Mraz tribute act... something, I fear, might just work to his advantage. Blah!

Allison Iraheta... (or "Allison Mojito", as I've called her for the past couple of weeks completely unaware of what her actual last name was, just knowing it was something Latin) is the hottest bitch alive. FOR REAL - she's only 16? NUTS. Her voice is RIDICULOUS (think present-day, lived-in Pink), she works the stage masterfully and is wonderfully unguarded (in response to Simon telling her she needs to lighten up: "It's not like I cut myself or anything!")... AMAZING. I both hope and expect she goes far...

Anoop Desai... is set to benefit off America's Slumdog-mania about a million times more than any of those child actors who were actually IN the movie will... I can tell you THAT for free... Seriously. Does American Idol seriously need an everyman every season? Could we not do without the nerdy kid who can kind of carry a tune and "oh, good for him! GO AMERICAN DREAM!" for ONE season? No. I guess we can't. Expect this to go south... and FAST!
Jorge Nunez... will be in for at LEAST three more weeks based solely on the votes he gets from the members of his extended family who were gathered around his television for his intro-clip package. He's got a good voice... reminiscent of a young Marc Anthony (and I'm not just "meh... who's a Spanish singer?"-generalizing when I say that!)... but is increasingly uneasy to watch and look at... I'd bet on him making a Bottom 3 visit tonight...

Megan Corkrey... has the most solid reason for becoming a teenage mother I've ever heard: she couldn't get into her high school musical. Or something like that, BASICALLY. But yeah - perhaps showing her dissolve into tears explaining her separation anxiety during her intro package wasn't the greatest case to be made about why you should vote for her, but I guess we'll see... She's quirky. Bjork-meets-Hilary Duff. She looks like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls. She's definitely going to be the pretty girl who's in the Bottom Three for 4 consecutive weeks before she's ultimately sent packing...

Adam Lambert... is a good old fashioned over-bronzed power bottom and I say more power to him! I do kind of feel like he's a bit of a Chris Kattan-character, and I'm far from feelin' the fuck out of his voice, but ever since those photos of him tonguing another dude came out, I'm all aboard his train. And the judges seem to be championing him, too. So that's a good thing. I'm super hoping that he actually does something brashly faggy and provacative and makes a statement...

Matt Giraud... is really nothing spectacular. Don't be fooled. He's worked very hard at affecting himself with all the trappings of a Robin Thicke-esque neo-soul man, but as the all-over-the-place-ness of his performance demonstrated, he lacks the musicality. Expect the cracks to start showing as the weeks trapse on...

Alexis Grace... is maybe better than I thought she was. That was downright Pat Benetar-ian last night! Good on her! The judges apparently spend all their boner juice, because they were nonplussed - which was bullshit. She did quite a nice little job on it. Another front runner!

I'm going to call the bottom three as being Jasmine, Jorge and Megan, although I'm sure I'm wrong about it. There are 13 of them. It's kind of a crapshoot at this point. I'd like to think that with all the overlap of ghastly R&B-singing white dudes, at least one of them bottoms out...

Beyond that, apparently there's some sort of twist happening - I'm 99% certain that the judges will throw down some sort of sing-off and decide who stays and who goes. Which will be SCANDALOUS.

Meh.

Later,

--- Aj

Iiiiiiiiddddddoooooolllllllllllllllll....

Hey jokers, smokers, midnight tokers...

Alright...

Down to bidness...

Idol last night -


General Note: Ahhhh the Top 3 show... historically, a night where two neatly carved-out front-runners further cement their status, and a third man/woman out - often times obliviously - marches towards the proverbial neuce at the end of the hallway... Just ask the likes of Nikki McKibbin, Kimberley Locke, Jasmine Trias, Vonzie Solomon, Elliott Yamin and Mindy Doolittle... well, Elliott and Mindy were a little less obvious, but still... anyballs... tonight was absolutely, positively no exception to this rule... and so we begineth:

TOP 3 NIGHT... GO!

David Archuleta is first... Arch has been at the centre of controversy this week thanks to that pain-in-the-taint father of his, Jeff, and his on-set 'antics' - apparently the bitch controlled every move of Arch's right down to his squint - but has since been, and I quote, "BANISHED"... so let's just see how little Arch rolls on his own... he opened with some Billy Joel song, and it was his signature brand of quaint... his second song - a cover of nouveau-Bobby Brown/Sisqo Chris Brown's "With You" - was embarrassing with a capital "ASS"... it opened with him chanting appropriated ebonics like "yo, boo" or something and was just all kinds of wrong... he couldn't get jiggy with it if his life depended on it... Honestly, he looked like a 70-year-old man... bitch should have just played it safe and done some REO Speedwagon or sumpin'... anyballs - his last song I couldn't remember for the life of me and I'm pretty sure I was stalking someone I've slept with before over facebook while he was singing it because that is how little I care... but yeah, it was more of the same balladeerism that we've grown to expect from him and I'm sure he'll have nothing to worry about come tonight...

Ohhhhhhhhhhh YeYe... YeYe, YeYe, YeYe... It was all I could do to hope that Miss YeYe got it... she just got the fact that she didn't have a prayer in heaven, hell or anywhere in between and just went out there and said 'fuck it'... that for her personal pick, she chose Khia's "My Neck, My Back" (continued lyrics of the song: "licky mah pussy and mah crack". Yes.) and when the judges gave her criticism, she fired back "yeah, well at least I can remember the lyrics to m'damn song! SHIT!" and just went wild... alas, YeYe was still 'in it to win it', revealing that her head is so far up her ass she can taste her brain... *sigh*... she started off with the judges' pick, Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You" - which was pretty much like being challenged to reinvent the wheel... a losing battle, is what I'm sayin'. Her second song - which again, should have been Khia's "My Neck, My Back" or something provocative and audacious - was a neat little turn with the cheeky jazz staple "Fever"... it was not without it's charms, but no where near what it needed to be to make a case for YeYe's continuation in this competition - but a hell of a venue for an audition in the touring company of "The Colour Purple"... for her last song, the producer's choice, well fuck... the producer's might as well have just gone out there and kicked her in the box one-by-one... BECAUSE THEY GAVE HER A SONG FROM "HAPPY FEET"... a song that no one knew on top of that... I get what they were trying to do - make her do something Rihanna-esque to try and communicate what kind of artist she'd be and album she'd make, but unfortunately it did her 0.0 favours... it would have been wiser and more representative of the kind of 'artist' she is to give her something like "I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No" from Oklahoma! or "Busom Buddies" from Mame or some shit like that... oh well...

David Cook is sailing through to tomorrow night as easily as Easy-baked pie. His first song - a Matchbox 20-esque take on a Roberta Flack ballad - was arguably one of his better performances... save for the woman standing up throughout (and no... it was NOT clear that it was his mother DURING the performance... I thought she was just a random, desperate 60-something lady)... Unfortunately the evening kind of went downhill for him... his Switchfoot (whoever they are) song was forgettable and shrieky and "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" failed to deliver the show-stopper he needed - made considerably worse by the pan to the unspeakably heinous visage of the authoress of the song, Diane Warren... t'was a night where D'Cook could have pulled miles ahead of D'Archuleta, but instead closed the gap - setting things up for a remotely interesting finale, at least.

GOING...

Well, this is a tough one-YEAH, NO. YeYe - you've cried your final baby cry and compared your Idol experience to the civil rights movement for the last time. See ya never.

In other news...

The zoology community is abuzz this week with reports that nearly 38 sting rays have died in a sting ray exhibit at a Calgary zoo. Toronto zoologans remain undeterred: the sting ray exhibit at the Toronto Zoo is set to go on regardless.

Here's my take on the matter... STING RAY EYES LOOK LIKE ASSHOLES!!! AHHHH!!!

In other, other news:

LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY!!!

That's it for me...

Tonight on ANTM: Goooooo Whitney!

That's all,

--- Aj

Mega-Post

Hey you crazy characters...

Apparently, I have some business to catch up on...

Sorry I haven't been around this week - I had to go and take photographs of empty penthouses at the suites at 1 King W... Why, you ask? Because that's how G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S my fucking life is. No. Because that's the company I work for... we're handling the selling/renovating of those... anyway - it was pretty nuts... one of them is a WHOLE FLOOR... like I thought that shit only existed in movies. The kind of shit where you take the elevator to the 48th floor and it's just an apartment... not a hall with doors leading to other apartments - oh no - but AN ENTIRE EFFING APARTMENT. Yeah... the kind that billionaire playboys or sultans own and stage spectacular, earth-splitting orgies in... I can't even handle it...

So yeah. That's where I was this week.

My weekend this past weekend was so very eventful, I can't even handle it.

It kicked off Thursday night, a night which saw me get waxed. "Oh. How was that?" you ask. How the fuck is it ever. Painful... for real... and I'm not even kidding - I could definitely see an upside to chemo. I'm not saying that to be insensitive or sensational - I'm just saying I could definitely find a way to see that glass as half-full... anyway...

The esthetician and I were talking about America's Next Top Model and how we both liked sassy plus-sized stunner Whitney (who squeaked by last week within an inch of her life, yet again) and then out of NOWHERE, she produced the random quote of the week: "... You know who's really upped their game? Cotton Ginny."

I fucking lost it. It was so random. Anyballs... thought I'd share...

This passed Friday night saw me, Anth and Heidi FINALLY take in Baby Mama...

I don't think I need to tell you that we LOVED it. LOVED.

I thought it was charming, well-paced and not unsurprising... I thought it was a little outside the formula... I mean it wasn't the sort of female Superbad that I think I was hoping for, but it wasn't 27 Dresses, either.

I'm, for one, THRILLED to see a female buddy comedy score so solidly at the box office, particularly one that stars two comedy goddesses that I adore so, so much... which means - hopefully - that we can expect more. Remember the good ol' days when yer Lily Tomlin's or yer Bette Midler's could open a movie? Or, better yet - remember the Shelley Long film? I'm a firm believer that in the mid-late 1980's, there were only five genres of film - the teen horror film, the Police Academy series, the rom-com, the action-adventure and The Shelley Long film. A light-as-whipped-topping comedy with Shelley Long at its centre typically playing an impossibly quirky-albeit-not completely unfuckable heroine... a-la...

Or...

Or...

Or...

And in particular, in the greatest comedic romp ever committed to celluloid...

I'm not even kidding. TBH is magical. It's the definitive movie of my childhood. I remember actually making a participation script for it a-la The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And may I just add - how the fuck much fun would it have been to be Shelley Long posing for the poster shoots?! Like every picture, the photographer's just yelling "Be Quirkier! Quirkier! QUIRKIER!!!" - oh what it must have been like to be Shelley Long between the years of 1986 and 1991...

Alright - enough of my Shelley Long lust.

Last night I went to see Hairspray - which is in town for one week only at the Princess of Whales theatre featuring the touring cast - and by golly if it didn't turn an otherwise run-of-the-mill Tuesday upside down.

Just a delight... the production itself wasn't AMAAAZING... I was told that touring shows are rather hit-or-miss as they're non-Equity... apparently once they had a touring production of Cats up in there with an INFLATABLE SET - which I can't imagine is terribly practical for a show where the company has claws, but maybe that's just me... always with the logistics - but yeah, this production was not without its charm...

At the top of the show, following the requisite "Hairspray is set in 1962. Back in 1962, they didn't have cell phones. Please turn your cell phone off"- yeah, it's supposed to be funny - they announced that not one, not two, BUT THREE roles this particular night would be played by the understudies including those of Tracy and Edna - YEAH, PIVOTAL. This was met by an audible groan from the audience... it was HILARIOUS. Because immediately after that, the curtain came up and this bitch who's understudying Tracy has to break into "Good Morning, Baltimore" right after basically being told by hoards of people "we don't wanna see you". Nuts!

So yeah... the Tracy chick could sing just fine, but she wasn't fat by a million miles. What they do is pad the bitches down, and they just look like they've got a beer gut, but they're not the portly little outsider that Tracy's supposed to be. Edna's understudy was pretty "meh" as well...

Whatevs... Amber, Penny and Motormouth were all fierce, fierce and fiercer... However the highlight of my evening came in the form of a celebrity sighting... it's not a celebrity that will mean anything to many of you, but to the select few of you - ha-cha-cha... in attendance at last night's performance of Hairspray was none other than Eddie Stone - pictured, to the left...

Yeah, he's a gay porn star. An apparently Toronto-based one, now. Anyway - this was perhaps the weirdest celebrity sighting I've ever encountered... because it's a very different sphere that porn stars occupy in one's mind than movie stars... like the feeling of recognition I felt when I was sitting at a table next to Naomi Watts was very different than the feeling of recognition upon seeing Eddie Stone...

With Naomi Watts it was like "Holy fuck! Hollywood A-Lister! Oscar Nominee! Nikki Kidman's Bestie! FUCK!"... whereas with Eddie Stone it was like "... ... ... I've totally seen you felch before... hey, how's it goin'?" NUTS!

So that was that... Anyballs... Idol last night...

General Note: YAWN. This is thoroughly anti-climactic at this point. It's 8 million % going to be a David v. David showdown.

David Cook did absolutely nothing different with Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf", as he claimed. And anutha thang: You get 500 songs marked as the most influential songs in rock 'n roll history and you choose something by DURAN DURAN? Was Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes" not available for clearance? (Although, not gonna lie, would have been pretty awesome if someone did "Private Eyes"...) His second offering, "Baba O'Reilly" was thoroughly "meh" as well - the only reason anyone would have been excited about it was because someone was doing The Who, not because of anything that David did to it. Daniel Feinenberg of Zap2it.com said something interesting about David Cook... "nights like this remind us of just how anonymous he would have been on CBS' Rock Star"... it's very true... if there's one thing I can say about David at this point is how when he's off, or he doesn't do something exceptionally 'him', he's really off and really indistinguishable... read: he's lacking X Factor, and people are embracing him as this year's "resident rocker" - a role he occupies tidily. At least with yer Bo Bice's or your Daughtry's, whenever they did something and it wasn't exactly great, it still reeked of being them... can't say the same for David Cook...

Whereas if that's the one thing I can say about David Cook, the one thing I can say about YeYe Mercado is that she sure picked a fuck of a time to show up. Really - would it have killed you to have started this momentum say, 8 weeks ago? Well, no. Anyway - she went up first singing "Proud Mary", and although did it nowhere near the justice that Tina Turner - or for that matter, Season 2's Trenyce - did, no one can say she didn't go for it. But t'was certainly her second song, Sam Cooke's "A Change Gonna Come", that goes down in Idol history as one of the greatest 11th hour plea-bargains that might just pardon her from Idol death row. Did that make sense? Here's hoping. YeYe worked it out on this one... it's the first time I've been excited by her, and that she actually understood what she was singing about (really, it's so refreshing whenever a contestant actually understands what they're singing... such a treat)... also, her torrent of tears following Simon's rave ain't gonnna hurt either...

Jason Castro doesn't want to be there anymore and that's all there is to it. I don't really think I need to say too, too much more about it. "I Shot The Sherrif" was actually for Jason's own shits and giggles. And his substitution of "hmm hmm hmm hmm" for that verse of Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man" was so blatant, I'd believe it was planned. I can't really fault him though... I guess...

D'Archuleta continues to give the people what they want, which is more of the same. His "Stand By Me" was likely his best performance in weeks... His "Love Me Tender" was probably lovely, too... I wouldn't know, I fast-forwarded right through it because I assumed it was more of the same... And I really, really can't stand his overwhelmed modesty after he receives gushing from the judges... whatevs... he's finalista material...

BOTTOM 2

Given last night's performances, Jason and YeYe. Given the fact that this was always an inevitability that everyone except for the David's days being numbered, Jason and YeYe.

GOING...

Did YeYe finally do enough to stay last night? I'd say so, but who knows how the flyover states feel. Did Jason finally not do enough to keep his fangirls power-dialing for him? It's anyone's guess. My bets are on Jason going... but if not, expect Syesha to throw the shit down. I can just tell that she's the type of person who would not even feign diplomacy and just say "WHAT THE FUCK, MOTHAFUCKAZ?!"... then, in an Idol first, expect Jason to resign himself in favour of YeYe...

Yeah... Unlikely... well who knows...

In other news: I promise to blog with more frequency for precisely the next three weeks. (read: another Bitch Salad is coming up...)

--- Aj

Idol Wrapup (not so rojo)

Well, it's Wednesday.

Which means c'est temps for an Idol wrapup.

I can promise you one thing and one thing only: last night's Idol was far from rojo caliente. In fact, if burgeoning reggaeton superstar Meagan Taylor was to pen a poignant dance hall hit and follow up to her masterpiece "Rojo Caliente" about last night's Idol, it would no doubt be called "Hiele El Frío". Or no... that sounds too exciting and extreme... It would be called "Luke Calenta". That's the one.

Yeah... it sucked... the theme was inspirational songs... bah... allow me to wretch in my mouth right here and now...

Michael Johns, who clearly thinks that cravat is working for him, takes the stage first with Aerosmith's "Dream On". Many of you will likely know the song as the sample used in Eminem's "Sing For The Moment", I believe. The song - as it was originally recorded in 1973 - sounds NOTHING like Steven Tyler is singing it... you could easily mistake him with Freddie Mercury. I guess he lived very, VERY hard for four years, because by the time their next big releases, "Sweet Emotion" and "Walk This Way", hit - bitch sounded COMPLETELY different. But I happily digress: Michael does a perfectly fine job of it. It's a great song, but I don't think there's anyone living or dead who could ever make that falsetto part sound sincere or necessary. Anyway - his performance is classic "Okay, that was good, but we're totally gonna hear better tonight"... which, of course, we don't... so Michael actually ends up being one of the best of the night...

Syesha needs a swift kick in the box. Was last week not warning enough? STOP TAKING ON DIVAS WHO DWARF YOU. Just because you can do something tolerably, doesn't mean you should. Last week, Syesha established that she's not Whitney. This week, she established that she's not Fantasia. Seriously, the most that Syesha could be, and this is on a good day, is Dawn Robinson from En Vogue. For real - I found it brash and downright insulting that she dared take on Fantasia's victory-lap single "I Believe"... THEN the bitch had the absolute gall to sassily question Randy comparing her to Fanny during her judgement... Mmmkay... I don't know if you remember Fantasia singing this, but I do. I can distinctly remember vaulting up out of m'seat during it, it was so jubilant and moving...

Yeah. Your eyes did not deceive you - rainbows were, in fact, shooting out of her asshole. NUTS! Anyway... if Fantasia and Syesha were Philadelphia cream cheeses, Fanny would be the thick bricks of the shit you buy to make cheesecake and nacho dips out of, and Syesha would be the Ultra Light shit with cracks in it that anorexic girls spread on Melba toast. That's all.

Anytime, anyplace Jason Castro wants a moustache ride from me, it's his. I love this man. His selection of the Israel Kamakawiwoʻole version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" was inspired, truly. I'll tell you squarely what I appreciate about Jason, specifically last night - he doesn't fucking mug for the cameras like an overly self-aware asshole, in fact last night he didn't even look at the camera. I find that so refreshing and honest. Anyway - I thought it was probably one of his best since the stirring "Hallelujah" of 80's week. I'm really, reeeeally rooting for this guy. Any critic who thinks he's mediocre or the hipster's pick is out of their fucking mind...

Kristy Lee Cook, much like boisterous queers marching in a pride parade circa-the mid 90's, is "here, get used to it!" Did that make sense? I tried, I did. Whatever. Kristy Lee continues to bless us with her signature blend of patriot porn with a Martina McBride number about believing in yourself and following in your dreams. Grading it on the Kristy Lee curve, it's A+!!! Gold star!!! First pick at the toys - oh! She calls the Flintstone Phone!!!... however, judging it against the rest of the Idols, it only sucks rhinoceros balls slightly less than she usually does. Meh. She'll be safe... On the plus side, we'll get to see her absolutely decimate a Mariah Carey song next week...

Annnnd the cracks are beginning to show in David Cook. Looks like everything he touches doesn't turn to gold. Singing Our Lady Peace's "Innocent", he spends much more time in his lower register than he should and is completely overwhelmed by the abnormally huge backing singers. Also, David - Financial Guru/Rug Bumper Suze Orman called, and she wants her jacket back... actually... she'd also like her hair back... and face... hmmm... well this is all very startling, isn't it...

Carly, Carly, Carly Smithson. I can only put up with so much until I lose the faith. Make no mistake about it - I am totally one of Carly's angels... but her performance of Queen's "The Show Must Go On" was tentative, abbreviated and angry. Not so inspirational. Her normally soaring and directed vocals seemed forced and aimless and the whole thing was kind of a disaster... not to mention that Paris Bennett easily outdid her with the same song back in Season 5... I was crossing m'fingers to the point of cutting off circulation that she would sing Heather Smalls' "Proud" - fuck, that SOMEONE would sing it... even Kristy Lee... - but no dice. I think Carly should be VERY worried.

One little precocious, cherubic bastard that need not be worried is the perpetually dandy David Archuleta. Singing Robbie Williams' "Angel", he continued serving up exactly what people want from him... I totally agree with Simon in this case... I have no clue as to why this song wasn't a huge hit in North America... or why ANY Robbie Williams song isn't a huge hit, because people, the man's amazing. I fucking love his music. "Rock DJ"... "Millenium"... "Let Me Entertain You"... "Lovelight" - all gold. But didn't Jessica Simpson actually cover this song and have a modicum of success with it during her heyday? Well, whatever the case may be, Archuleta knocked it out of the park and there's really nothing else to say about it.

Closing the show tonight is human-sad puppy hybrid Brooke White singing Carole King's "You Got A Friend". Holy shit, can you be more obvious? Brooke sang that with all the heart-bursting desperation of Sophie in "Sophie's Choice" when having to make the choice... In other news, I finally put my finger on who Brooke sounds like - a considerably less vocally talented Theresa Sokyrka, whom you may remember as the runner-up to Kalan Porter on Canadian Idol, Season 2... No matter... anyway... yeah... Brooke does fine... I was expecting the judge's to gush over it seeing as the bitch was on the brink of tears throughout the song and in the bottom three last week, but to my delight, they were just "meh".

Going...

This is a no-brainer. All the guys are safe, and I predict will be safe for a few weeks to come. I think it's pretty safe to say that it's a boys' competition right now - there's not a female left who stands a prayer in hell... unless you count Jason Castro, which, you very well may... the only gal I think gave herself a pass this week is Brooke on account of her going last, not doing terribly and making her first visit to the Bottom 3 last week thereby rallying her fan base.

Bottom 3 will be: Kristy Lee, Carly and Syesha. Kristy Lee will be safe because A.) she fucking always is and B.) she sufficiently pandered to her base, and she's the only one who does pander to that base, which is huge.

That means Carly and Syesha - strangely enough, the competition's strongest voices - will be left battling it out for the night's 7th place finish... it just depends on what's more unforgivable to the American public... Carly falling short of the bar she's set or Syesha's post-interview abrasiveness... I'm hesitant to call it, but I'm absolutely willing that Syesha's sent packing...

We'll see.

Another thing we'll see? IN JUST UNDER A MOTHERFUCKING WEEK!!!!!

Holllllly shit... it'll be better than a thousand Meagan Taylor's, let me tell ya...

Still rojo,

--- Aj

Idol Wrap Up AND SO MUCH MORE!

First things first:

Well it was another gruesome battle, but the Bitches You Loved and Hated for February have been decided...

Narrowly beating out my personal pick, LeiLani Billard, for Bitch You Loved In February, none other than the lovely and talented Tina Fey!!!


She'll go up against the Bitch You Loved in January, Carol Channing, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

And, to my personal surprise and delight, the Bitch YOU Hated in February was none other than hysterical cooter-chompee, Chola CuchiMuncho!!!

She'll go up against the Bitch You Hated in January, Tom Cruise, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

Second things second:

IDOL.

BOYS.

Luke Menard is gone. Singing Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", something tells me he'll never be waking up. In that he'll be sleeping. In that he'll be dead because he's gone. Going first + bad song choice + cynical-yet-inoffensive comments from the judges = gone.

David Archuleta continues his stranglehold on complete and utter Idol domination. He was able to serve up the exact same convincing flavour of cheese that Phil Collins did. Again, not my thing but I get it. So magnanimous of him to sing that in order to draw attention to the plight of the homeless. Somebody's going to heaven!

Danny Noriega is fierce. I have said it before and I will say it again. Fresh off the heels of some old myspace video blogs of him sporting a dew rag, swearing and proclaiming he's gay he goes and does the most audaciously faggy thing ever on that show - sings Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" with purple streaks up in his head... FIERCE! I am crossing everything that can be crossed on my body that he makes the Top 12...

Resident "stripper who had performed fully nude for a mostly-male crowd" David Hernandez stood out more for those shocking revelations than for his take on "It's All Coming Back To Me Now"? What's coming back to you now, David? The genital warts you contracted by tea-bagging skeezy old dudes in the strip joint you worked at for 'a mostly-male audience'? Someone get him some oigggnment, shoot.

Michael Johns did "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds and Randy said that he did Michael Hutchence of INXS proud. Whoops. From what I remember - if I try really hard - is that he did a pretty serviceable rendition of it. But the irony is that after that, I do think people will forget about him...

David Hook donned his axe once again and did a very emo-ized version of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" - a really, isn't Lionel emo enough as it is? No no no - he did a very good job of it. I still get a very "Comic Book Guy" from The Simpsons-vibe from him, though.

Jason Castro should have sung "Lost In Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson because that's what happens to me when I watch him perform/speak. The man is a dreamboat - and I almost never subscribe that kind of shit. Like literally, I've been hot for Jonathan Brandis (may God rest his soul) and Jason Castro. I thought he did brilliantly tonight - great song choice. I'm really happy to see him gaining steam. It's very reminiscent of Bo Bice's rise to front runner status circa Season 4.

And then there's Chikezie. [Sung like the Maude theme song] "And then there's Chikezie! And then there's Chikezie!"... ummm, yeah... that kinda works better with a one-syllable name... no matter... Bah... he would have been prime candidate to be sent homeward-bound alongside Luke Menard, but now, because of his pimp-spot placement, he'll be causing and upset tonight.

GIRLS

Asia'H Epperson did herself exactly 0.0 favours picking Whitney's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". Despite the fact that Whitney sang every last fibre of shit out of it, it's really never perceived as a singer's song. It's kinda like "Groove Is In The Heart" in that respect... there are definitely some notes to be had there, but it's just too ingrained into people's head as a fun, party song if-not a jock jam *GASP*. I thought it was fine. Her face really shows it when she's unsure if she's going to be note perfect, though.

Kady Malloy continues her bloody, exhaustive march towards death by singing "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen. Who wants to live forever, indeed - something tells me not Kady... particularly by basically conceding to the fact that she thought she should have gone home instead of Alaina Whitaker (and Alexandrea Lushington, may I add) last week in her red room pre-interview. On the bright side, at least she'll leave on a high note as her performance last night wasn't out-and-out brutal. On a very, very dark note... two words: Hayley Scarnato. Kady could not only totally make it into the Top 12, but last for quite some time... because if there's one thing that Hayley Scarnato showed us, fucking anything is possible on this show...

Amanda Overmyer went back to basics tonight with a rollicking take on Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You". Methinks a lot - not all, but a lot - of the damage she did with last week's "Carry On My Wayward Son" will be reconciled and her base will be re-energized after last night. She's still as uncomfortable as a sea gull wearing a tracking collar on stage, though. And VERY off putting with her perceived ambivalence when getting the judges' feedback.

No secret: I love every inch of Carly Smithson. Even though I thought she got a little shrill in the higher notes of Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night", I totally agreed with Randy when he said that watching her go for those is like watching someone blast targets with a cannon. Bitch is fierce. I think it's safe to say that Carly's consistency, excellence and dynamism has won over any haters who thought her previous life as MCA recording artist Carly Hennessey by this point.

Kristy Lee Cook makes me barf. I can't stands the bitch no way. I really didn't think her countrified take on Journey's "Faithfull" was all that artful and worthy of the lauding it got. I didn't think it was understated; it was unsure. And I'm sorry, bitch could not remotely pull off what she attempted to at the end of the performance. Ugh. PS - Jean Smart from Designing Women called and she wants her head back.

Ramiele Malubay is not great. She's got a lovely voice with all sort of 'colours' to it, but she's got the depth of a bird bath. "Against All Odds"? Really? Apparently she's got quite an ardent fan base though, so expect to see her sail through...

Brooke White is gettin' on my last nerve - and something tells me I'll need to develop a few more nerves, because bitch is gonna be around for a while. I really have nothing to say about her whimpering, acoustic take on the Goddess Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" other than what I said about her before: although Brooke's homogenized, ethereal singer-songwriter thing is unique in this competition - and responsible for her appeal - it's far from unique in the music industry. Is her seeing-eye pony of a voice really going to be able to compete with the mighty steed of a voice like yer Carly's or yer Syesha's when it comes down to it? NO!

As much as I think she's an arrogant, smug little beyotch, Syesha Mercado worked it out tonight. That little Whitney nugget, "Saving All My Love For You" is no walk in the park - it's rangy as hell, requiring someone to go from the top of their chest voice to the bottom of their chest voice to the top of their operatic voice to the top of their chest voice again and again - but she handled it with an unappreciated ease.

GONE -

On both sides of the coin tonight, it's anyone's guess.

Although Luke Menard and Kady Malloy are the most likely candidates, anything's possible. Well, Luke's certainly less possible, but still.

Beyond those two, I'd have to wager that for the boys Michael Johns will be in danger. I just see him slipping through the cracks - I don't think he's given anyone a reason to vote for him beyond the fact that he's competent. Otherwise, Danny Noriega - and believe me, I'm spittin on the ground, knocking wood and throwing salt behind me as I say this - could find himself out there based on his sheer audacity.

On the girls side, in terms of talent, it should be Kristy Lee Cook, but something tells me that lanky bimbess will slide through. At this point, it looks like Carly, Brooke, Amanda and Syesha have each made their cases and carved out their niches, so I'd be worried right now if I was Asia'H and/or Ramiele. Whomever has the bigger fan base will prevail.

Bitch Salad roundup tomorrow!
--- Aj