Viral Video Vixens of '08

Haaaappy New Year!

It's Aught 9 and I have to guess that you're feelin' fine. Primarily, because that shit rhymes.

How was your new year rung in? Fun-ly? I assume so. Mine was good? I say that as a questionstatement, because I don't really remember too much. I drank m'self 2 - AS IN TWO - bottles of champagne. It wasn't nearly as elegant as it sounds. Anyballs, shinanigoats ensued and I stumbled home at around 4 AM to gorge on Havarti and watch Hello Again - the quintessential Shelley Long film. For realz - bitch says her patented "Yoo-Hoo!" upwards to and including (but not limited to) 12 times. Amazing.

All in all, I think it was the most fun I've had on New Years since being in Toronto. Bearing in mind that there's not a terribly high bar - my first Toronto-based new years was spent with my then-University beau who did coke at 2 AM, got mad at me for letting him do coke, then couldn't get erect. (Sidebar: isn't an alert, sturdy boner one of the few up-sides to cocaine use? That's always what I was lead to believe... b'ooohhh well)... another new years saw me go to this house party wherein I knew 3 people, only to discover my lone romantic prospect for the evening passed out on the toilet... and of course last year, when I served as the most unnecessary host in the history of hosts for New Years at the Drake Hotel, and realized 5 seconds before counting down to midnight that I didn't have the most remote idea of how the lyrics to "Auld Lang Syne" went - a song I was supposed to lead the crowd in. As you can imagine, I desecrated the shit. Terrible.

Anyballs - that's all in the past. A fresh year awaits! But before we dust off our knees, shout "EXCELSIOR!" and do one of those on-the-spot Barney Rubble runs into what is promised to be the most fabulous year that anyone's e'er had E'ER, one more FINAL look back on 2008 before we bid adieu to it once and for all... 

2008 - much like any other year in the recent single-digits of the millennium - won't be remembered for its hot-button political figures... nor for it's pop-star comeback queens... or even for its salsa-dancing grandma's... but for its youtube personalities.

That's right - one again, I give you My Top 10 Viral Video Vixens... of 2008!!!

There they are. Let's see how the cards fall...

2008 was an interesting year in viral video stars. As the public and private spheres collide, it seems harder and harder to find truly authentic, earnest, candid video subjects that have no idea how entertaining they are and better yet, how sensational their impact will be. Still, 2008's VVV's aren't lookin' too shabby... 

10.) GWEN VERDON

Ah Gwen Verdon. Little did the Broadway legend and original Fosse muse know that she'd be sky-rocketed back into fame courtesy of some glorious jackass synching her kitschy performance of "Mexican Breakfast" on The Ed Sullivan Show with rapper Unk's "Walk It Out". The originatress of such roles as 'Lola' in Damn Yankees, 'Charity' in Sweet Charity and 'Roxie Hart' in Chicago - Gwen Verdon was passing stripper moves off as legitimate dancing before Britney Spears was even a murky twinkle in Lynne and Jamie's eyes. Gwen is worth mentioning for two reasons: she's example of something that was made, at its time, to be completely devoid of irony, only to become wholly ironic years later when circulated via youtube (just like 2007's top Viral Video Vixen, Brenda Dickson) and also because this video is directly responsible for the most user generated viral content this past year. But more on that later...

9.) RICKY'S MOM

Why did/does everything that was made in the 70's seem like it's a bizarre horror-porno? Like in how - tonally or cinematically - there's no difference between Deep Throat and Carrie? This was originally to be a sex education film to be shown to high-schoolers back in the 70's - dealing specifically with masturbation. Even more specifically - a shaggy little dude named Ricky having an organ recital only to be walked in on by his FUCKING SUPER CREEPY mother. Who, make no mistake about it, "knew what [he was] doing... and [is] sorry for interrupting [his] privacy..." If you've ever needed to laugh nervously, scream in horror, then laugh hysterically, then apprehensively ponder what it was you just saw... THIS is the clip for YOU!

8.) CAPUCINE

ADORABLENESS ALERT!!! Sound the alarms!!! ... that sound like newborn's cooing... because this is the most adorable shit I've seen all year. She's this little cherub from France... depending on how you look at it, she's either a precursor to Amelie or a postcursor to Madeleine (yes... I know... I've made two references to Madeleine in two consecutive blogs... and you know what, motherfucker? I'mma make another one tomorrow... SUCK IT!) - either way, hog-tying Hamas operatives and making them watch this clip might just be the key to peace in the Middle East. Here, she tells a story freestyle - or, rather, en francais, liberer le style - about... oh... who the fuck cares what it's about - SHE'S ADORABLE!!!

7.) THE ARCHULETA SUPER FANS

If that last clip was enough to extinguish my great disdain for children, this next one is enough to reignite it in one powerful blast... Backstory: this past season on American Idol, the crown came down to two David's... David Cook, a scruffy, apathetic rocker who had cornered and ultimately triumphed with the elusive cougar vote... and David Achuleta, a squeaky-clean, baby-faced 16-year-old who made David Cassidy look like Charles Manson... understandably, David Archuleta had somewhat of a fervent teenage female fan base. Just how fervent, well, I don't think any of us had the slightest clue... until... 

6.) JUDI SHEPPARD-MISSET

Ahem. Miss Sheppard-Misset started from humble beginnings: a lowly jazz-dance teacher in the late 60's, she saw dwindling numbers in her classes (despite the stellar example set by Gwen Verdon, apparently)... so, on a lark, she decided to do away with the mirrors and the moves and focus on just havin' some fun. So was born JAZZERCISE! Below is her somewhat enthusiastic routine to "Move Your Boogie Body" from one of I can only hope is many Jazzercize home videos... there is absolutely nothing NOT to love about this fucking video... 

Pallette Cleanser: PROP 8, THE MUSICAL

Certainly constructed to be viewed... and viewed... AND VIEWED!!!... Prop 8: The Musical doesn't really fit into this list of what I consider truly grass-roots sensations, but it was just too fucking good and significant to be left out. That, AND it features the out-and-out love of my life, Maya P.K. Rudolph. 

5.) JULIE KLAUSNER & JACKIE CLARKE

Thanks to the power and glory of youtube, this past year saw the comedic genius' of Klausner & Clarke brought to my attention. Funnily enough it was their spot-on, note-for-note perfect parody of last year's VVV of the year, the ultra-glamorous Brenda Dickson (worth linking to again), in one of their many, many, MANY (<<<--- especially that one. Mommy Time. AMAZING!) brilliant viral offerings, "Welcome To Our House" that first caught my eye, and that I'm choosing to highlight here - although, really, you should thoroughly watch and re-watch each and every last drop of their shit if you know what's good for you. How these two have eluded Saturday Night Live in lieu of the lowly Casey Wilson's of the world astounds, confounds and disturbs me... 

4.) SHANE MERCADO

Once upon a time, #10 VVV of 2008 Gwen Verdon's "Mexican Breakfast/Walk It Out" video hit the internet. Then, one Beyonce Giselle Knowles - as she's prone to do - took wind of it, skank-ified it ever so slightly and used it as inspiration for the video of her current number 1 smash single, "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)". Talk about a butterfly effect - the next thing you know, some tranny with entirely too much time on his hands records himself performing a beat-for-beat choreographic reenactment of the dance from the video in his dorm room and voila: global cyber-sensation. What the taut, nimble Mr. Mercado set off has been unprecedented... everyone and their fucking mother recorded their own "response video" with results ranging from hilarious to bizarre to grotesque... not to mention an appearance on The Bonnie Hunt show - who could ask for anything more?

3.) THE CHEETAH LADY

Hmm. Umm. Yeah. I don't know quite what to say about this one. I'm not sure anyone does. I have no idea what the origins of this video is nor of this lady are. I've heard people refer to this as the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" of 2008 - only y'know, not involving two girls shitting and puking on each other - but equally disturbing and perplexing. Don't worry - it's completely SFW (safe for work). It just might not be SFYS (safe for your sanity)... 

2.) SCARLETT, AND THE MIGHTY TUMBLE SHE TOOK

ALL HAIL SCARLETT... America's next top R&B singer-songwriter/spinal-transplant-recipient. When the zaftig Scarlett took to her webcam earlier this year, recording herself singing an original R&B composition all of her own, A capella, whilst pacing around her rumpus room, only to find herself atop a coffee table that ultimately proved no match for her... things took a nasty (AND HILARIOUS) left turn - and history was made. Yes. History. As much for her death-defying 'tumble' as for her ability to popularize the abbreviation "tha'urt" out of "that hurt"... Scarlett, we can't wait to see what ELSE you have up your sleeve/pant leg... 

But

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1.) MEAGAN "ROJO CALIENTE" TAYLOR

Bling, bling, expensive things? That's Rojo Caliente. Movie stars, magazines? Rojo Caliente. Drivin' in your car, that's also very expensive? Again, Rojo Caliente. Yes. Some of you may know her as Meagan Taylor... I, however, know her as the things that dreams are made of. The pudgy, teenage Jewess (and current Queen's student... *starts the oil thigh [a Queen's thing. I went to Queen's, if you didn't know]*) who, legend has it, received a million dollars from her father for her Bat Mitzvah and spent it on recording a reggae-hip-hop single and corresponding video entitled "Rojo Caliente" - loosely translated: Red Hot. While this video is every kind of WRONG under the sun, Meagan Taylor is every kind of right - reminder to all of us to never, EVER, stop reachin' for those stars.

And that's the note I'd prefer to leave you on with that.

In other news:

John Travolta [basically] murdered his disabled son.

More on that tomorrow.

Feel fine in 09,

--- Aj

Mega-Post

Hey you crazy characters...

Apparently, I have some business to catch up on...

Sorry I haven't been around this week - I had to go and take photographs of empty penthouses at the suites at 1 King W... Why, you ask? Because that's how G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S my fucking life is. No. Because that's the company I work for... we're handling the selling/renovating of those... anyway - it was pretty nuts... one of them is a WHOLE FLOOR... like I thought that shit only existed in movies. The kind of shit where you take the elevator to the 48th floor and it's just an apartment... not a hall with doors leading to other apartments - oh no - but AN ENTIRE EFFING APARTMENT. Yeah... the kind that billionaire playboys or sultans own and stage spectacular, earth-splitting orgies in... I can't even handle it...

So yeah. That's where I was this week.

My weekend this past weekend was so very eventful, I can't even handle it.

It kicked off Thursday night, a night which saw me get waxed. "Oh. How was that?" you ask. How the fuck is it ever. Painful... for real... and I'm not even kidding - I could definitely see an upside to chemo. I'm not saying that to be insensitive or sensational - I'm just saying I could definitely find a way to see that glass as half-full... anyway...

The esthetician and I were talking about America's Next Top Model and how we both liked sassy plus-sized stunner Whitney (who squeaked by last week within an inch of her life, yet again) and then out of NOWHERE, she produced the random quote of the week: "... You know who's really upped their game? Cotton Ginny."

I fucking lost it. It was so random. Anyballs... thought I'd share...

This passed Friday night saw me, Anth and Heidi FINALLY take in Baby Mama...

I don't think I need to tell you that we LOVED it. LOVED.

I thought it was charming, well-paced and not unsurprising... I thought it was a little outside the formula... I mean it wasn't the sort of female Superbad that I think I was hoping for, but it wasn't 27 Dresses, either.

I'm, for one, THRILLED to see a female buddy comedy score so solidly at the box office, particularly one that stars two comedy goddesses that I adore so, so much... which means - hopefully - that we can expect more. Remember the good ol' days when yer Lily Tomlin's or yer Bette Midler's could open a movie? Or, better yet - remember the Shelley Long film? I'm a firm believer that in the mid-late 1980's, there were only five genres of film - the teen horror film, the Police Academy series, the rom-com, the action-adventure and The Shelley Long film. A light-as-whipped-topping comedy with Shelley Long at its centre typically playing an impossibly quirky-albeit-not completely unfuckable heroine... a-la...

Or...

Or...

Or...

And in particular, in the greatest comedic romp ever committed to celluloid...

I'm not even kidding. TBH is magical. It's the definitive movie of my childhood. I remember actually making a participation script for it a-la The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And may I just add - how the fuck much fun would it have been to be Shelley Long posing for the poster shoots?! Like every picture, the photographer's just yelling "Be Quirkier! Quirkier! QUIRKIER!!!" - oh what it must have been like to be Shelley Long between the years of 1986 and 1991...

Alright - enough of my Shelley Long lust.

Last night I went to see Hairspray - which is in town for one week only at the Princess of Whales theatre featuring the touring cast - and by golly if it didn't turn an otherwise run-of-the-mill Tuesday upside down.

Just a delight... the production itself wasn't AMAAAZING... I was told that touring shows are rather hit-or-miss as they're non-Equity... apparently once they had a touring production of Cats up in there with an INFLATABLE SET - which I can't imagine is terribly practical for a show where the company has claws, but maybe that's just me... always with the logistics - but yeah, this production was not without its charm...

At the top of the show, following the requisite "Hairspray is set in 1962. Back in 1962, they didn't have cell phones. Please turn your cell phone off"- yeah, it's supposed to be funny - they announced that not one, not two, BUT THREE roles this particular night would be played by the understudies including those of Tracy and Edna - YEAH, PIVOTAL. This was met by an audible groan from the audience... it was HILARIOUS. Because immediately after that, the curtain came up and this bitch who's understudying Tracy has to break into "Good Morning, Baltimore" right after basically being told by hoards of people "we don't wanna see you". Nuts!

So yeah... the Tracy chick could sing just fine, but she wasn't fat by a million miles. What they do is pad the bitches down, and they just look like they've got a beer gut, but they're not the portly little outsider that Tracy's supposed to be. Edna's understudy was pretty "meh" as well...

Whatevs... Amber, Penny and Motormouth were all fierce, fierce and fiercer... However the highlight of my evening came in the form of a celebrity sighting... it's not a celebrity that will mean anything to many of you, but to the select few of you - ha-cha-cha... in attendance at last night's performance of Hairspray was none other than Eddie Stone - pictured, to the left...

Yeah, he's a gay porn star. An apparently Toronto-based one, now. Anyway - this was perhaps the weirdest celebrity sighting I've ever encountered... because it's a very different sphere that porn stars occupy in one's mind than movie stars... like the feeling of recognition I felt when I was sitting at a table next to Naomi Watts was very different than the feeling of recognition upon seeing Eddie Stone...

With Naomi Watts it was like "Holy fuck! Hollywood A-Lister! Oscar Nominee! Nikki Kidman's Bestie! FUCK!"... whereas with Eddie Stone it was like "... ... ... I've totally seen you felch before... hey, how's it goin'?" NUTS!

So that was that... Anyballs... Idol last night...

General Note: YAWN. This is thoroughly anti-climactic at this point. It's 8 million % going to be a David v. David showdown.

David Cook did absolutely nothing different with Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf", as he claimed. And anutha thang: You get 500 songs marked as the most influential songs in rock 'n roll history and you choose something by DURAN DURAN? Was Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes" not available for clearance? (Although, not gonna lie, would have been pretty awesome if someone did "Private Eyes"...) His second offering, "Baba O'Reilly" was thoroughly "meh" as well - the only reason anyone would have been excited about it was because someone was doing The Who, not because of anything that David did to it. Daniel Feinenberg of Zap2it.com said something interesting about David Cook... "nights like this remind us of just how anonymous he would have been on CBS' Rock Star"... it's very true... if there's one thing I can say about David at this point is how when he's off, or he doesn't do something exceptionally 'him', he's really off and really indistinguishable... read: he's lacking X Factor, and people are embracing him as this year's "resident rocker" - a role he occupies tidily. At least with yer Bo Bice's or your Daughtry's, whenever they did something and it wasn't exactly great, it still reeked of being them... can't say the same for David Cook...

Whereas if that's the one thing I can say about David Cook, the one thing I can say about YeYe Mercado is that she sure picked a fuck of a time to show up. Really - would it have killed you to have started this momentum say, 8 weeks ago? Well, no. Anyway - she went up first singing "Proud Mary", and although did it nowhere near the justice that Tina Turner - or for that matter, Season 2's Trenyce - did, no one can say she didn't go for it. But t'was certainly her second song, Sam Cooke's "A Change Gonna Come", that goes down in Idol history as one of the greatest 11th hour plea-bargains that might just pardon her from Idol death row. Did that make sense? Here's hoping. YeYe worked it out on this one... it's the first time I've been excited by her, and that she actually understood what she was singing about (really, it's so refreshing whenever a contestant actually understands what they're singing... such a treat)... also, her torrent of tears following Simon's rave ain't gonnna hurt either...

Jason Castro doesn't want to be there anymore and that's all there is to it. I don't really think I need to say too, too much more about it. "I Shot The Sherrif" was actually for Jason's own shits and giggles. And his substitution of "hmm hmm hmm hmm" for that verse of Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man" was so blatant, I'd believe it was planned. I can't really fault him though... I guess...

D'Archuleta continues to give the people what they want, which is more of the same. His "Stand By Me" was likely his best performance in weeks... His "Love Me Tender" was probably lovely, too... I wouldn't know, I fast-forwarded right through it because I assumed it was more of the same... And I really, really can't stand his overwhelmed modesty after he receives gushing from the judges... whatevs... he's finalista material...

BOTTOM 2

Given last night's performances, Jason and YeYe. Given the fact that this was always an inevitability that everyone except for the David's days being numbered, Jason and YeYe.

GOING...

Did YeYe finally do enough to stay last night? I'd say so, but who knows how the flyover states feel. Did Jason finally not do enough to keep his fangirls power-dialing for him? It's anyone's guess. My bets are on Jason going... but if not, expect Syesha to throw the shit down. I can just tell that she's the type of person who would not even feign diplomacy and just say "WHAT THE FUCK, MOTHAFUCKAZ?!"... then, in an Idol first, expect Jason to resign himself in favour of YeYe...

Yeah... Unlikely... well who knows...

In other news: I promise to blog with more frequency for precisely the next three weeks. (read: another Bitch Salad is coming up...)

--- Aj