Bitch Salad: Iiiiiiiiddddddoooooolllllllllllllllll....

Hey jokers, smokers, midnight tokers...

Alright...

Down to bidness...

Idol last night -

General Note: Ahhhh the Top 3 show... historically, a night where two neatly carved-out front-runners further cement their status, and a third man/woman out - often times obliviously - marches towards the proverbial neuce at the end of the hallway... Just ask the likes of Nikki McKibbin, Kimberley Locke, Jasmine Trias, Vonzie Solomon, Elliott Yamin and Mindy Doolittle... well, Elliott and Mindy were a little less obvious, but still... anyballs... tonight was absolutely, positively no exception to this rule... and so we begineth:

TOP 3 NIGHT... GO!

David Archuleta is first... Arch has been at the centre of controversy this week thanks to that pain-in-the-taint father of his, Jeff, and his on-set 'antics' - apparently the bitch controlled every move of Arch's right down to his squint - but has since been, and I quote, "BANISHED"... so let's just see how little Arch rolls on his own... he opened with some Billy Joel song, and it was his signature brand of quaint... his second song - a cover of nouveau-Bobby Brown/Sisqo Chris Brown's "With You" - was embarrassing with a capital "ASS"... it opened with him chanting appropriated ebonics like "yo, boo" or something and was just all kinds of wrong... he couldn't get jiggy with it if his life depended on it... Honestly, he looked like a 70-year-old man... bitch should have just played it safe and done some REO Speedwagon or sumpin'... anyballs - his last song I couldn't remember for the life of me and I'm pretty sure I was stalking someone I've slept with before over facebook while he was singing it because that is how little I care... but yeah, it was more of the same balladeerism that we've grown to expect from him and I'm sure he'll have nothing to worry about come tonight...

Ohhhhhhhhhhh YeYe... YeYe, YeYe, YeYe... It was all I could do to hope that Miss YeYe got it... she just got the fact that she didn't have a prayer in heaven, hell or anywhere in between and just went out there and said 'fuck it'... that for her personal pick, she chose Khia's "My Neck, My Back" (continued lyrics of the song: "licky mah pussy and mah crack". Yes.) and when the judges gave her criticism, she fired back "yeah, well at least I can remember the lyrics to m'damn song! SHIT!" and just went wild... alas, YeYe was still 'in it to win it', revealing that her head is so far up her ass she can taste her brain... *sigh*... she started off with the judges' pick, Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You" - which was pretty much like being challenged to reinvent the wheel... a losing battle, is what I'm sayin'. Her second song - which again, should have been Khia's "My Neck, My Back" or something provocative and audacious - was a neat little turn with the cheeky jazz staple "Fever"... it was not without it's charms, but no where near what it needed to be to make a case for YeYe's continuation in this competition - but a hell of a venue for an audition in the touring company of "The Colour Purple"... for her last song, the producer's choice, well fuck... the producer's might as well have just gone out there and kicked her in the box one-by-one... BECAUSE THEY GAVE HER A SONG FROM "HAPPY FEET"... a song that no one knew on top of that... I get what they were trying to do - make her do something Rihanna-esque to try and communicate what kind of artist she'd be and album she'd make, but unfortunately it did her 0.0 favours... it would have been wiser and more representative of the kind of 'artist' she is to give her something like "I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No" from Oklahoma! or "Busom Buddies" from Mame or some shit like that... oh well...

David Cook is sailing through to tomorrow night as easily as Easy-baked pie. His first song - a Matchbox 20-esque take on a Roberta Flack ballad - was arguably one of his better performances... save for the woman standing up throughout (and no... it was NOT clear that it was his mother DURING the performance... I thought she was just a random, desperate 60-something lady)... Unfortunately the evening kind of went downhill for him... his Switchfoot (whoever they are) song was forgettable and shrieky and "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" failed to deliver the show-stopper he needed - made considerably worse by the pan to the unspeakably heinous visage of the authoress of the song, Diane Warren... t'was a night where D'Cook could have pulled miles ahead of D'Archuleta, but instead closed the gap - setting things up for a remotely interesting finale, at least.

GOING...

Well, this is a tough one-YEAH, NO. YeYe - you've cried your final baby cry and compared your Idol experience to the civil rights movement for the last time. See ya never.

In other news...

The zoology community is abuzz this week with reports that nearly 38 sting rays have died in a sting ray exhibit at a Calgary zoo. Toronto zoologans remain undeterred: the sting ray exhibit at the Toronto Zoo is set to go on regardless.

Here's my take on the matter... STING RAY EYES LOOK LIKE ASSHOLES!!! AHHHH!!!