FrenEmmy's

Eh? Eh???

That's how I feel about the Emmy's. On one hand, I love them because it's a plentiful kudos-fest honouring the brightest stars of prime time TV. On the other hand, I hate them because most of the time they suck giant squid balls (or whatever sort of genitalia those elusive crustaceans boast)...

After a positively exhausting (in a good way) weekend in Kitchener, slinging jokes at Yuk Yuks like a regular Elayne Boosler, I come home to find a gruesomely awful offering of recorded fare from this weekend past: the, hands-down, WORST episode of SNL in recent memory - hosted by James Franco, who methinks takes himself a titch too seriously - and last night's Emmy telecast.

As it turns out, this year was the first year that an award was presented in the category of "Best Reality Show Host", and someone finagled the cockamamie idea that "hey! what if we had all of them host the show?!?!?"... file that one under 'it seemed like a good idea the time'... it was bad... horrendously so.

After a polite "Happy 60th Birthday, Emmys" address by a noticeably heavier-than-I-remember-her Oprah Winfrey, the 5 reality show hosts - Survivor's Jeff Probst, American Idol's Ryan Seacrest, Dancing With The Stars' Tom Bergeron, Deal Or No Deal's Howie "Don't touch my hands" Mandel, and Project Runway's Heidi Klum (who, really, might as well have been a fucking blowup doll, she was so useless... her 'schtick' seemed to revolve around her being attractive and a girl all night... which is historically never funny... but no... she would literally blow kisses in lieu of delivering what would have traditionally been zingers to conclude her segues...) - and it all just dissolved right into shit from the word 'go'.

You'd think they'd have learned their lesson last year when Seacrest hosted it solo, but no... apprently the grand notion was that 5 Seacrests would be better than 1, but how wrong they were.

This is precisely why, right here, RIGHT now, I am kicking off the campaign to bring Kathy Griffin in next year... she's the only one who could save this pile of puke, and, for realsies, what do they have to lose? It'd be raucous and unpredictable, colorful and anticipated... she's the only big-name comedian who's buzz-worthily relevant without being too MTV-ish. KATHY G IN 2009!!!

Speaking of Kathy G, out-and-out highlight was the pairing of her with the chairman, Don Rickles - who's commendably still 'with it' at his staggering 82

 years of age.

In a refreshing display of "fuck it up the ass... what the balls do I have to lose?", Rickles slammed the powers-that-be, mocking the uninventive patter and stole the show in the process. He actually won an Emmy later, too. So there ya go. Cake and eating said cake, too.

Other [scant] highlights included, but are not limited to:

- I don't know how the balls they finagled it, but some of the [memorable] cast members of Laugh In dragged their 70-something-year-old asses up there to present the best variety series award. Members included Gary Owens, Alan Sues (one of the first gays on network TV!),Lily Tomlin (who, you'd'a thunk, would have better things to do, but meh), RUTH BUZZI (who's AMAZING... she's like the original Rachel Dratch... she's sorely underrated... let me tell ya), and of course, the finest manifestation of the universe, Miss JoAnne Worley. 

It's, of course, no secret that I have a bit of a thing for JoAnne Worley - whose voice you may well recognize as Hoppopotamus from The Wuzzles... - and gazing at her visage to left, to the left,  I can't imagine you'd wonder why. 

Anyballs... Pressing on...

- The dude who won for writing that heavily lauded John Adams biopic getting cut off about 5 seconds into his speech... and then, precisely when he's trying to make a very poignant point about back then the United States was all about articulating arguments and democracy democracy democracy blah blah blah - they cut to a bumper promoting the best reality series award... ouch... ouch ouch ouch!!! So he goes from something like "this is especially important at a time when our country is at such a crossro-"-CUT TO-"Will it be Top Chef, American Idol, Bad Girls Club..." It was SO graceless. AMAZING!

- I was wondering what business Lauren Conrad had being there, and, from the looks of it, so did David Boreanaz. That made me very happy.

- WHAT THE BALLS WAS THAT JOSH GROBAN BULLSHIT ALL ABOUT?!?!?! If you haven't seen it... please... share the pain...

Yeah. I really don't know how to explain that. However, I don't think it was so much him being like "I'm Josh Groban. I don't take myself too seriously, and now's my chance to prove it!" as much as it was him thinking "I'm Josh Groban. I can truly do anything. If anyone has any doubts about why I'm David Foster's buttboy, this will surely silence them!". Yeah. That was fucked.

- Tommy Smothers getting a special Emmy. I'll tell you precisely why Tommy Smothers getting an Emmy - well, fuck, getting mentioned at all - is significant for me, and the answer may shock and amaze you... the year was 1966... Tommy Smothers, vacationing in Alberta's rocky mountains, met a 

young nurse at a popular five-star resort... a winsome, raven-haired young lady named Cheryl Cassidy. The two hit off right then and there and began a torrid, however brief, affair.

Why is this important? Because that winsome, raven-haired young lady Cheryl Cassidy grew up to become MY MOM!!! AHHHH!!! TOMMY SMOTHERS WAS ALMOST MY DAD!!! I WAS ALMOST ANDREW SMOTHERS!!! 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

So yeah... 

And, of course, highlight of highlights...

- Elizabeth Samatina Fey takes home three effin' Emmys. One for writing, one for best comedy series (2nd year in a row) and one for best actress in a comedy series. That made me so happy, it's wrong. Just wrong. This woman is the genius of her generation and anyone who argues this needs to be shot.

Alec Baldwin - who also very deservingly won best actor in a comedy series (apparently his first win) - said some garbage about how she's the Elaine May of her generation. Ummm, no. Try the Mark Twain of her generation. 

NO - actually, fuck that - try the Aristotle of her generation.

NOOO - scrap all of that above shit - try the Jesus Q. Shakespeare of her generation.

NOOOOOOOO - forget EVERYTHING I said above - try the Shelley Long of her generation.

Yes... to me, comparing someone to Shelley Long IS the highest compliment you can give someone. Because, y'see, I'm fucked up. 

Anyballs... thought I'd mention that if, in the off-chance in my most desperate fantasy that Tina Fey actually reads my blog, I at least said it.

So yeah.

C'est tout.

Till tomorry,

--- Aj

At long last: ANTM Doppelgangbang...

Hello sugars...

Can this week die already? Jeez LouISE.

I'm presently alone in my office listening to "Life Is A Highway" by the ever-enigmatic Tom Cochrane - which is all too fitting considering the amount of time I'll be spending on the highway this weekend and next... this Friday Imma comin' to Kitchener/Waterloo and next to majestic London, Ontario - so if you're in either of those places, come to Yuk Yuks and see me. And we'll make out. Probably.

Anyballs - onto much, much, MUCH important fare... namely:

MY SEMI-ANNUAL ASSESSMENT OF THE GIRLS FROM THE CURRENT CYCLE OF AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL AND WHO THE BALLS THEY LOOK LIKE!!!

Yep...

Well, makeovers happened last night, so it would have just been pointless of me to do this before then - before their looks have settled. But now it's open season...

Something I've noticed this season, as per compared to other cycles, is that all these bitches look like crosses of something and something. Like, no one looks like any one person definitively... they're all ____ meets ____... for instance...

Icy blonde stunner Lauren Brie...


Is a cross between Rachel McAdams circa Mean Girls and Charlize Theron (although personality-wise she reminds me of Cerie from 30 Rock... nevertheless...)

Potential slave to a Saudi Arabian Analeigh (or rather Anal Lee as I know her...)

Comprised of grimey psychopath Denise Richards and self-photographer Miley Cyrus...

All-American girl next door Samantha...

Equal parts she-hulk Brooke Hogan and electro-pop hipster princess Robyn... (pretty much because of the hair... you know you thought the same thing, and for no other reason than the fucking hair...)

Tranny-hating tophy wife-in-training Clark...

One part shrill sensationalist demagogue Ann Coulter, one part 80's era Cher...

Painfully awkward Marseille-ite Marjorie...

Pre-anorexic Claire Danes, meet Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena from Boys Don't Cry...

Unusually lip'd, unfortunately named boxer McKey...

... the sunned love child of Canadian supermodel Linda Evangelista, and Tim Curry as Frank 'N Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show...

Tickety-tock tranny Isis...

... the result of dulcet songstress Sade, and Angel from Rent.

Latest evictee from the Top Model house Brittany...

Equals the broad appeal of Halle Berry plus the just-so placed facial hair of Frida Khalo...

High-pitched good time girl Joslyn...

... the result of former SNL funnywoman Ellen Cleghorne and an unidentified sperm donor...

Newly highlighted Asian girl from 'da hood Sheena...

An exciting cross between the "Rachel" from the Japanese version of Friends - Koharu Kusumi - and popular science fiction starlet (not to mention the daughter for action hero Steven Segal...), Ayako Fujitani... yeah... I got nothin'... sorry... Sheena just looked like any other gentrified Asian chick you'd see on the corner of Dundas and Spadina...

Smoulderingly racist Alaskan Hannah...

The incredibly distasteful duo of emaciated songbird Karen Carpenter and latest kidnapped 'It'-girl Madeline McCann...

And lastly... drastically made-over bixsexual stunner Elina...

Patron Saint of all things sensuous Angelina Jolie, and early-90's shit disturber Curly Sue...

That was an effin' good movie. I think I'm going to buy it today.

Yeah.

Anyballs...

Until tomorrow,

--- Aj

Sweatdrops Sweatdrops Sweatdrops!!!

And a pleasant Wednesday to you and yours.

So what has it been? Since last Wednesday? Woo-howdy, I need to get on top of this shit. So much hath transpired since then...

First off: I'm well aware that I have yet to say but two words about the current crop of gals on the 11th glorious season of America's Next Top Model... but rest assured, my requisite blog appointing all the girls' doppelgangers is well under way... I typically wait for the makeovers before I cast any judgement...

Secondly: Thursday I got a call out of the blue that I was to come in and showcase at Yuks for a corporate client. Showcases are to comics what go-see's are to Top Models, y'see... Anyballs, guess who the client was? A lesbian softball association. Yep. With orders to keep it as inoffensive as possible and lesbo-sensitive. Yeah. Suffice to say, I didn't get the gig. I knew I should have busted out of my A League of Their Own material (which, by the way, I have an unsurprising abundance of...)

B'aaanyway, I spent the weekend drunk out of my skull, just like old times, which was nice.

Saturday night saw the birthday of Alex "Faith" Brown (named "Faith" after the now infamous armless canine who's captured the hearts of millions... :

... weird.) for which we were supposed to depart to at 11 PM. Then someone threw out the suggestion that we "just watch the first sketch" of SNL's season premiere. Yeah. That never happens. We ended up watching the whole fucking thing.

So yeah... on the whole, not great. They are going to be BEYOND screwed when Amy Poehler leaves in a few short weeks. BEYOND screwed. Casey Wilson, as lovely as she seems, isn't working. It's not going to happen. Put her out to pasture in a supporting role on a spin-off of The Office or something, but get her out of there.

That new fat guy could go either way. I'm going to reserve judgement of him until precisely the third episode, as I didn't necessarily "get" Fred Armisen right away either... little did I know he'd grow into Nicholas Fehn and of course, Nuni of "Nuni & Nuni" fame. If you don't know what I'm talking about right now, you probably think I'm a.) boring and b.) crazy. Which is quite a commendable combination of things to be, not gonna lie.

Anyballs... Andy Samberg ruled my fucking life with his impression of Cathy of Cathy Guisewite's Cathy comic strip fame... And to think... Cathy was the Carrie Brandshaw of her day back in the late 70's... WAKE ME UP WHEN I'M A SIZE 5!!! Ladies... am I right?

However, that Jar Glove thing made me lose it.

Kristen Wiig - thank God for you.

And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the thing that everyone's been talking about... Tina Fey's triumphant return as Sarah Palin...

Yep... probably the most must-see [live] thing to come out of that show since the infamous Debbie Downer giggle-fest of aught-Four... it's been EVERYWHERE recently.

Poehler and Fey, together again - already a dream scenario - channelling Sarah Palin and Hilary Clinton - another dream scenario - talkin' sexism.

If you were Hilary Clinton, I think one of your absolute saving graces must be when Amy Poehler does you. Because not only does Amy Poehler cause things to be awesome simply by association, but because each and every time she spoofs Hilary, very prevalent issues are brought to light and things are said that Hilary could neither bring to light nor say herself without being completely vilified by the press. Like, if you were to be watching it with Hilary, it must just be 5 straight minutes of her yelling at the TV, "THANK YOU! See?! SEE?! Oh, TOTALLY! YES! Oh my God, ME TOO! I know!"

It's so astoundingly true that the issue of sexism isn't factoring into anyone's treatment of Palin, and it's largely because Hilary made 15,000,000 cracks in that ceiling. Kind of unfair that all Palin had to do was peck at it with the duress of a baby duck cracking through its egg shell to shatter that ceiling and all of a sudden, be taken seriously.

Of course, another reason that sexism isn't playing a huge role in persecuting Sarah Palin, could be that the bitch has done more than enough ass-crazy shit to easily overshadow that.

DID YOU KNOW: Sarah Palin forced rape victims to pay for their own exams.

Yes. Under Sarah Palin, rape victims - or, rather, rape-ee's, if you will - had to buy their own "rape kits" - or, rather, rapeables, if you will - to collect the necessary evidence to convict their offenders.

Of course, this begs the obvious: I guess somebody's never been raped. Because from what I've heard, it's not a terribly pleasant experience, and usually, people who have been raped don't like to be reminded of this fact. I can't imagine running price comparisons and checking customer referrals on different brands of "rape kits" is at the top of anyone's list of things they love to do.

On the other hand, maybe Sarah Palin's totes been raped, and just thinks "ahhh, what's good for the goose is good for the gander".

But probably not.

Naturally, given the fact that Palin is also against abortion in cases of rape and/or incest, this basically means: SARAH PALIN DOES NOT BELIEVE IN RAPE. Or dinosaurs.

So that's all very grim and depressing, isn't it?

But... in lighter Palin-related news, this thing is mayhaps the greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator!

Taking a cue from the zany names of Sarah Palin's children (Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper), this highly scientific device generates what your name would be if you were blessed enough to be born of Sarah Palin...

What's yours?! Mine is: Lock Pepper Palin.

Good times.

Well not really.

It's terribly depressing to think that this woman might soon be leader of the free world (because make no mistake about it... John McCain will die. Like, 2 days after whomever's elected gets elected. He will. He'll fall down in the shower or something, but he will.)

Anyway, no matter how terrible things get, always remember - at least your arms aren't as fat as Jordin Sparks'.

--- Aj

PS - Slight photoshopographic exaggeration. Only slight, though.

Ahhh Wednesday...

A day when we pay ode to its namesake, the 7th century Anglo Saxon god Woden.

I know that's how I spend each and every Wednes-or, rather, Wodensday... I assume you follow suit...

Yeah. No. Can you believe that shit, though? I always wondered what Wednesday's deal was... and that's it. It's named after a gnome-like god from middle earth. So there you have it.

Glurg. So the TIFF rages on... According to Rex Reed, it's been so bad it's downright assailable... apparently it used to be something quite snazzy... where "fans and critics and movie moguls all stayed in the Sutton Place Hotel and turned the Bistro 990 across the street into their local commissary, trading anecdotes with John Cassevetes and hanging out with Clint Eastwood"... now it's plagued by "gridlock & greed"... it's quite a scathing read, actually...

I typically like to finagle myself into at least one party per year, and passed up perhaps my only chance of going to this Italian cinema affair last night in lieu of cleaning. Well, it wasn't just because I had to clean my apartment... it was also because this party was held on a boat. I don't do boats. You can't leave boats.

So it looks like I'm just going to have to fraudulently assume the identity of a random celebrities' handler and request tickets to the closing night gala on their behalf like I did nigh on 3 years ago... for realz: at the time I was working for a publicist who was working on a movie starring - and I use the term "starring" so loosely a blue whale could swim through it - Stephen Baldwin, and apparently he'd be in town for it and wanted to go. So my boss told me to call the festival office and request four tickets to the closing night gala and the party. She said that it would be a hassle and she'd likely have to handle it herself, but I should try.

So I did. I called them up and said, "Hi, I'm calling from [the virtually unknown company I formerly worked for] and we're representing [The random piece of shit movie he was in] starring Stephen Baldwin. Mr. Baldwin will be in town this coming Saturday and wishes to come to the gala and the closing night ceremony."

...

TIFF chick on other line: "K. How many tickets do you need?"

Just. That. Easy. I got him 4 and arranged to have them picked up under my name. I went, snatched them and that was that. Now, initially they really were, in fact, for Stephen Baldwin, then he backed out and I got them instead. But yeah. I'll plan on doing that this year as well. So huzzah.

In other news:

Elizabeth Hasselbeck continues to be a collossal mongoloid:

Oh no she di'in't!

Sooooooooooooo many things are wrong about this. First off: I'm the only thing Michelle Obama didn't want to discuss was the dead horse that is Barack Obama's ties to Reverend Jeremiah Wright that Elizabeth has beaten to dust, and the only reason Michelle didn't want to discuss it is because it would have saved her from bitch slapping Elizabeth had she brought it up! Michelle Obama means business! Secondly: Cindy McCain has nothing to hide because she has nothing to show... bitch is dumb as a box of hair... she's like a dumber, sexagenarian version of Holly Madison. Thirdly: I don't know if you watch The View, and even if you do, I don't know if you saw Elizabeth's recap from the RNC, but it showed her interviewing other Republican celebrities in attendance... among the big names: Jon Voight and Stephen Baldwin. See... it all comes back to Stephen Baldwin.

I haven't seen The View yet today, but I wonder if they addressed this little jab.

In other, other news:

In her teenage years Angelina Jolie:

a.) was still sexy...

b.) had an affinity for polka dots...

c.) hadn't yet mastered 'finding the light'....

If THESE photos are an indication...


In other, other, other news:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! BABIES WEARING HIGH-HEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Until tomorrow,

--- Aj

The Not-So-Secret Life of Bee's Knees...

And it's official. I've lost whatever panache I was once had for making up titles. Holy balls, that was dreadful.

So hey. Sorry for my absence yesterday, but I was so bowled over from this weekend that I needed a day to just stare at the wall and readjust. Or whatever.

This past weekend was absolute hilarity-ness. Friday, 6PM - saw me and two compatriots who'll go nameless as per their request venture down to Roy Thomson Hall right here in Toronto to do something we'd surely never done before and even surer still will never do again - stalk the red carpet.

And why? Because encroaching our fair city this weekend? One Miss Jennifer K. Hudson is who.

In town to premiere her latest acting endeavour, The Secret Life of Bees - a movie based a book that tells the tale of racial dynamics betwixt blacks and whites (and bees) set against the backdrop of tumultuous 60's North Carolina (primarily beehives therein)... or something...

Anyballs - we got there at like 5:15 and about 8-10 minutes later it set in... "I can't believe we're doing this" - and wanted to leave. Then I convinced them that "y'all... this is the only time that we're going to get to see J Hud in this capacity. After this, the Oscar buzz will have worn off and she'll be relegated to films starring Martin Lawrence... so the least we can do is witness this". So we stayed.

At around 5:45 the first car pulled up and it was none other than the progressively maturing Dakota Fanning. She bolted over to the unwashed masses, smile a'glowing, and signed many an autograph and took many a photo op. When she passed by us in ear shot, I asked her who her celebrity crush was, and then followed up as to whether or not it was Charlie Rose - an obvious reference to The Dakota Fanning Show, which I assume is chastely true to life.

Next to arrive was songstress and co-star Alicia Keys, who also made sufficient rounds with the peanut gallery. Let me tell ya - from my estimation, the Proactiv is working. You go, girl.

Next up HAD to be Hudson... COME ON! But no... t'was Queen Latifah... who looks considerably smaller than I thought she'd be... but I have to reason that's just because she's usually the requisite 'large & in charge sistah'... Anyballs, she also punched the plebeian clock, and again, drifted dangerously close to my brood of destructively ironic homos who were heard to have yelled at her: "We loved you on Fresh Prince!" Yeah. This was met by a roll of her royal eyes.

So it's nearly show time and no Hudson to be seen anywhere, which made got me su-huuuper pissed because the only reason I dared intermingle myself with these bonafide gawkers was to ask her what her favourite movie was, what her favourite part of that movie was, and what she thought of that part - all of which she detailed in her B-Roll interview from movie night in Season 3 of American Idol:

Yeah. It's a thing in my act. I just wanted it on camera. Anyballs - she finally shows, scooting out of a car parked way the balls up from where we were, works the crowd very momentarily before being whisked through the press lineup. My cries of "JENNIFER!!! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE?!?! IS IT SISTER ACT 2?!?! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PART OF THAT MOVIE?!?! IS IT 'DA PART WHEN WHOOPI GETS GLUED TO 'DA CHAIR?!?! WAS IT HIL-A-RIOUS?!?!?" went largely unanswered.

Anyballs - I got the whole thing on tape, so I'll edit that shit together and post it here and it'll be hilarious.

So that was item worth discussing # 1...

#2.) VMA tyme.

Since the late 80's, I have ne'er missed an installment of the MTV Video Music Awards. I think they're the most zeitgeist-y thing out there. I love taking - and studying - a snapshot of pop culture at any given time and this Awards show often provides the Polaroid. [Sidebar: Did you know that the very first MTV VMA's were hosted by Dan Ayckroyd and Better Midler??? Yes. The show where Madonna historically writhed around on the floor singing "Like A Virgin" was presided over by Dan Ayckroyd and Bette Midler.]

Well, whatever suspicions anyone had that Ayckroyd and Midler would return as respective host and hostess of this year's 25th anniversary (read: no one had those suspicious. NO ONE) were quashed when British funnyman Russell Brand took the stage after a hopelessly anti-climactic opening 'skit' featuring Britney Spears.

K... Russell Brand... one word: LIMEY. If that's the pinnacle of brilliance insofar as the UK's standup scene, then I don't know what. I thought it was limp. I thought he might be trying to do things that he thought would appeal to an American audience, but it just looked like he didn't understand the language he was speaking - kinda like the odd time an older road-comic goes on Video On Trial and tries to speak in youth lingo and make pop-cultural comments... - so very, very sad.

Anyballs... other things of note:

- Britney Spears finally won... three awards at that, including the top prize, Video of the Year for the thoroughly unexceptional "Piece of Me". They might as well have named it the "Most Famous Person Actually In Attendance Gets This" award... anyballs - it's so, SO crazy to see her back in her robotic, guarded mode... "I'm speechless. I'd like to thank God and my two beautiful little boys, and of course, m'fans. Thanks, y'all!" Yeah, uh Britney... we've seen you attack a car with an umbrella whilst raving in a faux-British accent, not to mention your squalid pussy too many times to count. The jig is up. Please stop acting like you're this untouchable pop star anymore. Thanks. Love - Aj.

- Two things about Rihanna that are disproportionate to her natural composition: i.) her thighs and ii.) her fame.

- Although I'm as big a fan of Christina "X-Tina" Aguilera, I think it was perhaps a tad too early for a career highlights montage recapping all her previous looks from her video catalogue before she performed. Like, Madonna could do that. Janet could do that. Mariah could do that (although it wouldn't look that different). But with all of three albums to her name, I thought X-Tina might have been a little off her rocker...

- Speaking of rockers, how refreshing to see someone actually fucking sing - so thank you, Pink. You're very underrated.

- These fellows named the Jonas Brothers seem to be pretty big with the kids nowadays. They also wear promise rings - a concept that is fucking creepy. The premise of these rings is that kids are given these things by their parents when they're pre-teens, and it's supposed to represent a 'promise to themselves' (read: promise to their parents, Jesus and the Republican party) that they'll maintain their virginity, only to come off once a wedding ring goes on. It all sounds like glorious bullshit to me. After much prodding about this fact by host Russell Brand (his running gag of the evening... falling flat more often than not), linebacker Jordin Sparks - sporting arms boasting the circumference of red woods (THEMZ SOME FAT ARMS, DANG!!!) - decided to take a stand against this:

Yeah. Because if you don't wear a promise ring, you're a slut. That's all there is to it - no grey area whatsoever. Thank Christ Jordin Sparks had the courage to finally say it.

- Miley Cyrus' gets more annoying by the second. And savour these days, bitch - because you'll soon go the way of Ashlee Simpson, who might as well have won a contest in order to appear at the awards as far as the audience was concerned, judging by her cold reception (or, rather, non-reception). Seriously - even when Pete Wentz signed off saying "I'm Pete Wentz, that's my wife Ashlee, and that's my baby" he had to prod the audience for a fucking response. I don't know if you remember, but four years ago, Ashlee Simpson was the shit in terms of teen pop stardom. And she couldn't be more irrelevant now. The shelf-life of a teen pop queen is fleeting, is what I'm saying...

- Proving that 2008 truly is shaping up to be the year of the tranny, the Best New Artist category witnessed a shocking upset when German alt-rockers Tokio Hotel snagged the trophy over modern-day Punky Brewsterite Miley Cyrus, glorified jailbait Taylor Swift, virgin shotputter Jordin Sparks and kooky flavour of the moment Katy Perry. It's especially surprising given the fact that the award was voted on by the fans... and, y'know, Jordin Sparks is famous solely because people voted for her... hmmm... anyballs - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO trannys!!!

So yeah. That was that.

Kinda sucked balls. But I'll totally watch it again next year.

Anyballs - I'm off.

Smell ya later,

--- Aj

Give me a 9... Give me an 0... Give me a 2...

Hey HEY Hey.

I hope you understood how the inflection of that was supposed to go, because t'was supposed to be sassy.

So whoop-dee-whoop it's September, traditionally, when new shows premiere and all that junk.

Every year, I give two new shows a chance. This year, my bets are/were hedged on:

A.) Hole In The Wall - Yep. It's exactly what it says. Contestants stand on a big foam platform, a wall comes at them with a predetermined shape cut out that the contestant needs to try and assimilate their body to, or else they're dunked in lava.

Or something like that. To the surprise of no one, it's inspired by a Japanese Game Show of roughly the same name, although I'd have to bet the words "Super" and "Happy" and
"Fun" are also somewhere in the Japanese title.

Anyballs... I'm mainly watching it to see this one contestant who was featured on the promos - a hefty, hefty black lady, who, as soon as she saw the hole she'd have to fit through (one far smaller and more contorted than she could ever hope to fit through), exclaimed, "Dayumn Dayumn Dayumn!!!" AMAZING!

So that's one...

2.) The NEW 90210

Yep. Saw it last night. Meh.

The main reason that I watched it was because I was a super fan of it back in the early 90's, and hastily discontinued my watching it as soon as Shannen Doherty departed, thinking it was donesville. Well I was wrong about that. It lasted for quite some time after that, boasting future double Oscar-winner Hilary Swank, to boot. But it was never the same without ShanDoh...

Anyballs, last night, lured like a moth to a flame by the return of Shannen Doherty to Beverly Hills High like so, so many others, I tuned in.

The premise: Rob Estes (who's inching towards busted, sorry to say) and Lori Laughlin (who I don't think has ever NOT played a MILF in her entire career) are moving their daughter Annie (played by Torontonian Shenae Grimes... who we can only assume is directly related to prominent travel correspondent Judy Grimes... ) and their adopted black son Dixon (who played some dude named Tristan somethingorother who was on The Wire and will also be starring alongside Dakota Fanning and Jennifer Hudson in The Secret Life of Bees, premiering RIGHT HERE at the Toronto Film Festival!) migrate from Kansas City to Beverly Hills to live with their grandmother, played by Jessica "Lucille Bluth" Walters - a boozing, cougar-esque former film star.

So yes, once again, it's bumbling country mice venturing into the glamorous and treacherous big city. Drama and life lessons ensue.

The show seems very focused on Annie... who I guess would be the "Brenda" of this go around. And thus far her trek seems very akin to Lindsay "Cady Herron" Lohan from Mean Girls. She arrives at the school, and one of the first people she meets is arty weirdo Silver (a-la Janis in Mean Girls) who she eventually ditches for queen bee Naomi (a-la Regina in Mean Girls) and wouldn't you know it... arty weirdo Silver and queen bee Naomi used to be best friends in a past life but had a huge falling out and both have axes to grind... blah blah blah SO MEAN GIRLS!!!

Anyballs... some thoroughly ridiculous shit happens... Naomi has a 'not-so-sweet 16 party'... which is preposterous, as the actress who plays Naomi - AnnaLynne McCord - isn't in any remote realm light years away from being able to play 15... for real, the bitch looks older than Jessica Walter... and Jessica Walter is playing a Nana, y'all...

Also, at one point, Annie goes on a date with some outrageously dreamy guy who's in the school musical with her named - predictably - Ty... on a private plane... to San Francisco. Yes.

Then when Lori "Aunt Becky" Loughlin busts her on it, she's like "Mom! That's what kids here do! They go to San Fracisco on private planes!" Awful. Awful awful awful.

And anutha thang - since when did kids get computers attached to their desks?!?! Maybe that's just a Bev Hills thing BUT STILL.

Anyballs... Time has been kind to Jennifer "Kelly Taylor" Garth - she looks great. She's now a guidance councillor at Bev Hills High, after the fashion industry proved too superficial for her - a situation that many have found themselves in, no doubt. She's totally going to bounce on top one of the teachers, if he doesn't bounce on top of the actress bitch who's addicted to pills first.

Speaking of actress bitches who are/were addicted to pills, I'm not going to pretend that I didn't involuntarily squeal with delight when Brenda appeared. I felt things come full circle, and now I have my peace with 90210. Because I'm sure as balls not watching that swill again.

Anyballs... tonight - THERE'S A TRANNY ON 90210!!!!!!!

TEAM ISIS!!!

Until tomorrow,

--- Aj

Remember when I used to blog?

So hey.

Long time.

I know.

Y'see, proving that birds of a feather really do flock together, much like Rosie O'Donnell - I decided to take the month of August off from the blog. Unlike Rosie, I failed to mention that I was... so to anyone who thought that I was dead, I'm very sorry. Because I'm SO not dead. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact... but anyballs...

Hope your August was cool. Mine was alright. Just spent time relishing the dog days of summer, mostly - of course, relishing the dog days of summer Andrew Johnston-stylez, means spending little-if-no time lapping up rays of the smiling August sun NOR does it include using the polarizing condiment relish... so I guess it's not really relishing at all... but still... it was nice.

Anyballs, just as the kids have gone back to school today, as have I to this blog. So I'm back. Full force - FULL FORCE!

WHAT a month it's been in the news, huh? Like big, Big, BIG shit hit the fan over the month of August '08. So, as a semi-triumphant return to blogging of sorts, I thought I'd tidily round up the biggest and baddest news stories that made the headlines in August...

1.) SLUMBERING DUDE BEHEADED ON GREYHOUND BUS!!!

Wooo-howdy this one was a doozy. How explosively did everyone crap their pants when they read this one?

The long and short of it: At approximately 8:30 PM Central time just West of Winnipeg, an unassuming 22-year-old carnival worker by the name of Tim McLean was unexpectedly and gruesomely attacked by a previously though-to-be unassuming 40-year-old newspaper delivery person by the name of Vince Weiguang Li.

According to reports, all was silent on the western front until - out of nowhere - this stocky Asian man (Weiguang Li) very purposefully got up and started hacking the dormant McLean with a butcher knife, completely oblivious to the panicking passengers around him - all of which managed to evacuate the bus. Sometimethereafter, Weiguang Li tried to exit the bus, McLean's severed head in hand, but the passengers - who had somehow managed to grow a pair by this point - barricaded him in the bus, threatening him with hammers and wrenches on loan from a passing tow truck they'd flagged down.

By the time that authorities arrived, Weiguang Li was madly pacing up and down the aisle of the bus, saying that he "would have to stay on the bus forever". Obviously that didn't happen, and the crazy bitch was arrested with very little protest.

Appearing in court the day after (pictured), he kept his head bowed, saying nothing, and only nodding ever-so-slightly when the judge asked him if he this was because he was retaining his right to silence. The only time he does go on record saying something is his next court appearance, when he utters "please kill me".

Here's what we know:

- Tim McLean was a hockey trophy-case short of being the quintessential all-Canadian boy next door, which made his passing that much more tragic and that much more newsworthy on the international landscape. For realsies, I think half the reports I read about this dealt with the incident and the other half dealt with the fact that something that happened in Canada was making international news. Ha-cha-cha.

- Vince Weiguang Li had no previous record of violence or mental illness prior to this... but he sure as balls does now. Apparently he was just a very quiet-if-unfriendly solitary immigrant dude who delivered papers and stocked shelves at Walmart or some junk. There's been some talk about him going missing for a few days before this happened, even spending some time in a mental health facility. Anyballs - he's now officially been classified as a paranoid schizophrenic... which means that he'd constantly hear voices in his head that would dictate things for him to do or threaten him... a lot of the time, this manifests itself violently, and more often than not, in suicide, because the affected can't handle the constant inner-torment... and, from what I've been hearing in the mental health community (because I totally hang out in those circles, motherfuckers... read: my mom's a psychiatric nurse and she told me this), that's what's likely to happen to him. Anyballs - his next court date is scheduled for September 8th.

- All sorts of security measures have been proposed to ensure this doesn't happen again - everything from Greyhound barring carry-on luggage to knife registry. YES, KNIFE REGISTRY. Okay... not to belittle this gruesome, gruesome incident and by no means to be insensitive to the deceased... but I think more people are killed by falling asteroids than beheaded on buses. I think this is a bit of an exceptional circumstance. That said, I'm sure as balls not travelling by bus anytime soon, so I guess I'm just a big fat hypocrite. Que Sera Sera.

2.) CHINA SHUNS ITS SNAGGLE-TOOTHED DAUGHTERS!!!

... As if feet binding wasn't enough? Gah.

So, the Olympics came, and the Olympics went. Butterface'd swimmers won medals and journalists protesting China's treatment of Tibet went mysteriously missing.

But the MOST buzz-worthy event to come from Beijing '08, at least in my eyes? That Milli Vanilli fiasco from the opening ceremonies.

The long & short of it: There was a nation-wide search in China (talk about looking for a needle in a hay-stack! Zing.) to look for a girl with a perfect voice to sing a freshly-penned song entitled "Hymn to the Motherland" (which kinda sounds like the title of a Nazi anthem in its blinding grandeur, but whatever) when they finally scrounged up the golden pipes of Yang Peiyi (pictured, right). Rehearsals were going swimmingly until the political powers that be got their panties in a bunch over her rather unpretty snaggle teeth, and at the last minute, replaced with her with a considerably more telegenic counterpart named Lin Miaoke (the bitch who looks plucked straight out of the Chinese chorus of the "It's A Small World" ride at Disney World, pictured to the left).

Here's what we know: Chalk this up to the consorted effort by the Chinese government to gentrify the country in time for the Olympics... On top of rigid anti-spitting laws, mandatory single-file lineup laws and compulsory English lessons for anyone remotely mercantile, it turns out that snaggle teeth aren't beneficial for China's "national interest". Isn't this EXACTLY what happened back in 1990 in the C&C Music Factory's smash-hit "Everybody Dance Now"? How Martha "It's Raining Men" Wash sang the vocals, but in the video, they substituted her for the considerably more-attractive lip synch stylings of Zelma Davis??? And then Martha Wash sued - and won - and then appeared in C&C Music Factory's subsequent hits??? Yeah. It's exactly like that. Except unlike Yang and Lin, I don't think Martha needed to go back to her job assembling Bratz dolls in a sweatshop. Again, Que Sera Sera.

3.) BARACK OBAMA SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!

... and it's not Hilary...

... or Oprah...

... or even Jackee Harry...

Balderdash.

4.) MCCAIN SELECTS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE...!!!

And it's a chick!!! Holy fuck!!! Suck it, Obama!!!

And moreover, it's Tina Fey. Holy balls.

No.

As the world at large knows by this point, her name is Sarah Palin - she's the Governor (or rather, Governess) of Alaska, she's pro-life, pro-gun, pro-anti-gay-marriage, soon to be pro-raping the arctic in search of glorious, glorious oil and about a decade shy of being half McCain's age. For realsies... don't they look like the oddest little May/December romance? Yuck.

Anyballs... isn't this just like the Dr. Suess tome Wacky Wednesday sprung to life? The Democrats choose a surly white dude for Veep and the Republican's choose a ballbustin' broad. What's next?! People wearing shoes on their head and hats on their feet?!?!?! AHHHH!!!

In other news... the McCain campaign musn't be wise to the facebook machine yet. Palin's daughter Bristol (classy name) is pregnant and has ample photographic evidence online that suggests she's an underage drinker. Also, apparently she supported a party in Alaska that's been aiming to separate it from the US. Yeah. FUN!

Finally...

The most important and savoury news item that passed during my hiatus...

5.) "HAIRSPRAY" STAR AND "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL" ALUM BRAWL AT AIRPORT!!!

HOLY BALLS! I leaped out of my skin when this item broke.

The long and short of it: Although details remain scant, early on in August, a real-life edition of Celebrity Family Feud erupted in an airport on the Isle of Turks & Caicos... only instead of beating each other with the most commonly said answer to a general interest survey, they actually used their fists. Apparently the Blonsky family were taking up an exorbitant amount of seats (which, considering their ample physical girth, doesn't seem surprising... but instead, they had their luggage up on it), and refused to move it when a member of that skank bitch from ANTM Cycle 9 Bianca's presumably skanky Klan came up and asked them to. The Blonsky's finally conceited, when someone from The Golden (that's Bianca's last name... because she be classy, y'all) family remarked "I don't want to sit next to no white bitch" and sparring ensued.

Here's what we know: When the dust settled, several people had to be hospitalized - to the surprise of no one, really, as I could see both sides carrying shanks, or at least knowing how to fashion a shank easily - and charges were filed: Both Bianca and Nikki were charged with "bodily harm" while Nikki's father Carl was charged with "grievous bodily harm". Both Bianca and Nikki were released on bail, but Nikki's father Carl remains in custody until a court date sometime this fall.

You couldn't even make this shit up if you tried. I've been waiting with baited breath to hear that this was instead some sort of reality show prank or something, but no - the shit is real! I don't actually think I could ask for a better combination of D Listers to engage in something like this EVER... well... maybe Brigitte Nielson and Clay Aiken or something... that'd be pretty awesome, too...

Whatevs.

Anyway.

More tomorrow.

Good to see you again!!!

--- Aj