Can this week die already? Jeez LouISE.
I'm presently alone in my office listening to "Life Is A Highway" by the ever-enigmatic Tom Cochrane - which is all too fitting considering the amount of time I'll be spending on the highway this weekend and next... this Friday Imma comin' to Kitchener/Waterloo and next to majestic London, Ontario - so if you're in either of those places, come to Yuk Yuks and see me. And we'll make out. Probably.
Anyballs - onto much, much, MUCH important fare... namely:
MY SEMI-ANNUAL ASSESSMENT OF THE GIRLS FROM THE CURRENT CYCLE OF AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL AND WHO THE BALLS THEY LOOK LIKE!!!
Yep...
Well, makeovers happened last night, so it would have just been pointless of me to do this before then - before their looks have settled. But now it's open season...
Something I've noticed this season, as per compared to other cycles, is that all these bitches look like crosses of something and something. Like, no one looks like any one person definitively... they're all ____ meets ____... for instance...
Icy blonde stunner Lauren Brie...
Is a cross between Rachel McAdams circa Mean Girls and Charlize Theron (although personality-wise she reminds me of Cerie from 30 Rock... nevertheless...)
Potential slave to a Saudi Arabian Analeigh (or rather Anal Lee as I know her...)
Comprised of grimey psychopath Denise Richards and self-photographer Miley Cyrus...
All-American girl next door Samantha...
Equal parts she-hulk Brooke Hogan and electro-pop hipster princess Robyn... (pretty much because of the hair... you know you thought the same thing, and for no other reason than the fucking hair...)
Tranny-hating tophy wife-in-training Clark...
One part shrill sensationalist demagogue Ann Coulter, one part 80's era Cher...
Painfully awkward Marseille-ite Marjorie...
Pre-anorexic Claire Danes, meet Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena from Boys Don't Cry...
Unusually lip'd, unfortunately named boxer McKey...
... the sunned love child of Canadian supermodel Linda Evangelista, and Tim Curry as Frank 'N Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show...
Tickety-tock tranny Isis...
... the result of dulcet songstress Sade, and Angel from Rent.
Latest evictee from the Top Model house Brittany...
Equals the broad appeal of Halle Berry plus the just-so placed facial hair of Frida Khalo...
High-pitched good time girl Joslyn...
... the result of former SNL funnywoman Ellen Cleghorne and an unidentified sperm donor...
Newly highlighted Asian girl from 'da hood Sheena...
An exciting cross between the "Rachel" from the Japanese version of Friends - Koharu Kusumi - and popular science fiction starlet (not to mention the daughter for action hero Steven Segal...), Ayako Fujitani... yeah... I got nothin'... sorry... Sheena just looked like any other gentrified Asian chick you'd see on the corner of Dundas and Spadina...
Smoulderingly racist Alaskan Hannah...
The incredibly distasteful duo of emaciated songbird Karen Carpenter and latest kidnapped 'It'-girl Madeline McCann...
And lastly... drastically made-over bixsexual stunner Elina...
Patron Saint of all things sensuous Angelina Jolie, and early-90's shit disturber Curly Sue...
That was an effin' good movie. I think I'm going to buy it today.Yeah.
Anyballs...
Until tomorrow,
--- Aj
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