On The Topic Of: RuPaul's Drag Race, Season 2

Hi.

So this is interesting: I'm blogging again.

Yeah, I kind of dropped if for a while... almost a year now, I guess. A lot has happened since then... I plan to back-peddle in the next little while and go into some of those things at length, but today I thought I would just dive back in balls deep with this little note... on the topic of the finest competitive reality program of the competitive reality era: RuPaul's Drag Race.

Are you watching this show? Because you should be. You should be going to great lengths to watch this show... For real - you should be ENDANGERING yourself if necessary because it is fucking quuuality...

I've got a very long established boner for RuPaul... Back when I was but a misbegotten gay growing up in Brockville, my family lived on the outskirts of town (I know... who the fuck lives on the "outskirts" of town... Moonshine-makers and Ferret breeders - THAT'S WHO! ... And me, apparently) - so we couldn't get cable. So instead, we got a satellite dish... but it wasn't one of those DirecTV things that just pin to your eaves trough, it was one of those enormous hemispherical structures that would need to reposition itself if you changed the channel. They were pretty bonkers.

Anyballs... this meant that my childhood television viewing experience was decidedly un-Canadian. Never watched Much... never watched YTV... never watched The Comedy Network... I got to watch HBO, Comedy Central, MTV, a scrambled version of the Spice network (which, PS, wasn't pixilated or even blurry... the extent of the scrambling was that THE SOUND WAS CUT OUT... because that's what you watch porn for... the sound... ) and of course, my raison d'etre in the mid-late 90's... Vh1.

I seem to recall Vh1's shift from being MTV's adult-contemporary sister station/hub-of-all-things-Michael-Bolton into this wacky tickle-trunk of alternative and campy programming beginning somewhere in 1996 with the advent of The RuPaul Show... if you didn't know this, yes... RuPaul had a talk show. And it was the fucking BEST.

It was like nothing else on television... I think the only other gay guys on TV at that time were Ricky from "My So-Called Life", what-the-fuck's-his-face from "Melrose Place" and Ma-Ti from "Captain Planet" (well, at least I assume... he was voiced by Alanna Ubach, afterall)... so you can imagine how mind-blowing it was having this magical Glamazonian drag queen hosting a talk show whose guest list was this endless parade of camp icons...

This was before I even knew what 'camp' was - this was slightly before the Internet permeated culture, remember. Before you could wikipedia or IMDB or youtube some ostentatious broad from the past... RuPaul's show was like a crash course in camp and pop-culture that just blew the fuck out of my small-town gay brain... on any given show - and I'm entirely serious about this - the lineup could and would include: Bernadette Peters, Kathy Najimy and a performance by Pat Benatar. FOR REALS. I do believe that was the lineup of one of the episodes!!!

Another hypothetical lineup? How's about a surprise reunion betwixt Maude co-stars the late, great Bea Arthur and the slightly later and equally great Esther Rolle followed by an underwear fashion show? Sounds to good to be true? It's not... check THIS shit out: http://wow.wowtv.tv/episodes/bea-arthur-on-the-rupaul-show

I. Know.

Amazing! So that's what I spent many an afternoon watching whilst I gorged on Snackwell's. Jealous? Of course you are.

Any way, I've just been this gagging disciple of RuPaul's since, and was so excited that s/he would be stepping into the role of Tyra Banks on hi/r very own competitive reality format... but as it turns out, RuPaul's role would be much, much more than that. S/he, in fact plays Tyra Banks-meets-Tim Gunn-meets-Simon Cowell-meets-well, RuPaul in a show that is essentially the best elements of Top Model-meets-Project Runway-meets-Idol. I know! Sounds amazing, and it is!

Last season - although done a shoestring budget - was absolutely sensational and introduced us to a slew of characters each more unforgettable than the last... From eventual winner BeBe to the "Loca" fashions of Nina Flowers to audience favorite Ongina - a star was born and born and born.

Well, it's back for Season 2 and everything looks bigger and better! Although we're only 1 episode into the season, here are my first impressions on this season's crop of girls...

First off - in an interview with some sort of news outlet that I can't possibly remember in order to source, Ru said that a lot of the girls this season did indeed audition for last season but weren't cast because "they didn't want an overlap of types"...

This is both A.) incredibly disappointing because YAWN - we're basically getting a second-rate version of someone from last season and B.) incredibly OBVIOUS who's whom...

From the top - Raven is soooo this year's Shanel. Another showgirl who's been in this business for 65 years and repeats that fact with boisterous confidence every opportunity she gets. It's pretty obvs that those two could never have been in the same room.

Ongina and JuJuBee would have never been cast in the same season, and not just because their both diminutive and Asian... same with Jessica Wild and Nina Flowers, and not just because they're both Peurto Rican and charmingly indecipherable...

I'm getting a lot of archetypal similarity between BeBe and Tyra Sanchez as well... A similar old-world drag feel - like they both came straight out Dorian Corey's walk-in closet/tomb - and a potential It-girl quality... They clearly have different backstories... one is an immigrant from Cameroon and one is raising a son and a pair of devastatingly unfortunate eyebrows... but they are very approximate TYPES. And that's too bad... it's something that a lot of reality shows try and do in their second season... try to be too explicit with a formula... and really, the only queen that I really wanted a sequel from was Tammie Brown...

Beyond the girls who remind me of girls from last season, there are also girls who remind me of other people...

Nicole Paige Brooks - a reject from last season - a southern belle from Hotlanta, GA is a dead-ringer for Jan Hooks (who, PS, surfaced for the first time since what has got to have been 1992 for a guest role on 30 Rock as Jenna's mom and 'yikes' would be an understatement...)

Specifically, seeing as Nicole is from Atlanta, Jan Hooks AS Carlene Dobber - her role from Designing Women. For reals... she might as well change her name from Nicole Paige Brooks to Nicole Paige HOOKS...

I'm catching some real Debi Mazar-realness from Morgan McMichaels, the show's resident shit-disturber...

And Pandora Boxx is straight up Kathy Griffin without the Restalyne... a fact that was amply illustrated by the fact that Kathy Griffin was actually in attendance as a guest judge and Pandora expressedly wore her "Kathy Griffin Wig"...

Sonique looks like Julianne Hough-meets-Olivia Newton-John-meets-The Lead singer from Roxette... Sahara in boy form looks exactly like a guy I've made out with before... Tatianna is probably serving the most 'fish', as they say... she looks like a blatino starlet that you might see on the arm of a Jamie Foxx or a Chris Tucker...

And then of course we have Mystique Summers Madison... who, as a boy, looks like Kenan Thompson, and as a girl is a straight-up drag version Mo'Nique from Precious... and judging from the behind-the-scenes footage of her sparring with Morgan, she means fucking business and WILL fucking cut you...

Naturally, she's my fave.

What about yours?

--- Aj

On The Topic Of: Liza Fucking Minnelli

Hey boy, girls and combinations thereof...

So, if there was one thing to rocket me back to blogginghood, it would be to remark about what I experienced last night...

Last night, in a move terribly uncharacteristic of me, I paid actual dollars - that's right, no trade nor barter - to take in a live concert. This never happens. Anyone or anything that I see live is either free or discounted well below the price of a pack of cigarettes. But not last night.

Because, y'see, it's not every night that one Miss Liza Minnelli comes rollin' in to town.

I can't say that I was a die hard fan. I've always found her entertaining - particularly in her appearances on Larry King Live (I STRONGLY urge you to watch and savor every second of the clip below... particularly when she receives a call from a musical theater major at approximately 1:03...):

... but all that basically cracked down to was a borderline ironic fascination with her. Certainly not enough for me to plop down top dollar to see her live, right? So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself at the Roy Thomson box office Monday afternoon asking for Liza Minnelli tickets... which is something in itself... buying Liza tickets is pretty much the most declaratively gay thing you can do besides assfucking in public... but anyballs... for some reason, my intuition told me that I wouldn't want to miss this... well...

In a word: EPIC.

I just simply don't know how else to describe it. I was dead-set on describing it as "jazz, spazz and razzmatazz!", but I feel that belittles it. It was just surreal.

To set the scene for you:

We got there at 7:30. I was immediately taken by the interesting cross-section of people that were making up this audience: silver-haired couples who were likely Roy Thomson subscribers and gays, gays, gays. If I was to stretch the description - I'd say literate gays. Gays who had done their cultural homework, as it were. This isn't CeCe Peniston performing to a canned backing track of "Finally" at 2 AM at Fly, afterall - it's motherfucking Liza Minnelli. You gotsta know your shit and spend some coin to see her, baby...

8 PM. Her orchestra - old dudes in tuxes, YES! - trickle on to stage and assume their positions. This shit is actually starting on time - good on ya, Liza. The opening chords of "New York, New York"... 'ba da da-da-da, ba da da-da-da"... and out flounces Liza, dripping in her trademark black sequines. Or rather, out jazz-walks Liza - toes pointed, mime-tipping her fake top-hat - in the same manner I imagine she transports herself anywhere. Everyone lost their shit. LOST it. The first of about 15 standing O's of the evening greets her. She sings some song called "Teach Me" or something... it really doesn't matter. People are still losing their shit. She finishes the song and people lose it some more. She's apparently overwhelmed, and responds - AND I QUOTE - "Holy Toledo! What a reception!"... That's right - we're not 5 minutes into this, and we've already gotten a "Holy Toledo!". AMAZING!

The rest of it is a glittery haze... I can distinctly remember her performing a song called "If" that I saw her perform on her episode of Inside The Actors Studio. It's a very patter-y, wordy song about a woman who kills her cheatin' boyfriend... like about 100 words per second... you couldn't understand a fucking word she was saying with her recently acquired speech impediment - BUT IT DIDN'T FUCKING MATTER!!! It's Liza!!!

She's got stage patter down to a science... Britney Spears could really take a page from her book... Whereas at a Britney concert, the most audience interaction you could hope for is her exclaiming "My pussy is hangin' out!", Liza fucking takes you there... she is just consummately engaging - I was actually hoping for her to talk more than sing, actually - and hilariously self-deprecating... she made light of all her failed marriages, her various addictions past and present, and I think at one point she made reference to vaginal dryness... but maybe I was just hearing what I wanted to hear. It's possible.

She would do shit that NOBODY else could get away with... NOBODY... you would NOT take someone else seriously if they did the shit that she did. She recounted the famous story about how she subbed in for an ailing Gwen Verdon in the original production of Chicago - long story short: Gwen Verdon, original "Roxie Hart" and Bob Fosse's muse, accidentally swallowed a feather off one of her boas, it got wrapped around her vocal chord, needed surgery, would be out of the show, since Chicago wasn't a runaway hit they needed to have their stars in it to keep it open and this was back in the bad ol' days when musicals didn't play for years and have different cast members coming in and out through a revolving door, Liza did it completely unpublicized, and this was back before the internet when shit like that could actually be kept to mythical word-of-mouth and it was a big shit deal. There ya go - and she went from telling that story, to explaining the plot of Chicago, DIRECTLY into the character of Roxie Hart and sang the fuck out of "I Am My Own Best Friend"... FUCKING NUTS!!!

Her songs from Cabaret were personal favorites of mine... I'd actually wager to say that "Maybe This Time" was the highlight of the night for me, at least musically, anyway... Because number A.) It's a gorgeous fucking song and letter B.) there is a SEARING truth to that song when she sings it... this bitch is maybe the unluckiest bitch in the history of unlucky bitches when it comes to love... a chronic, genetically-predisposed fag-hag who loves fast and hard, when she unleashed her weathered, wobbly vocal chords on the closing refrain of that song with a mile-wide smile filled with the promise of someone just starting life, you fucking BELIEVED that even though she's 62-years-old and part-robot, HE - IS - STILL - OUT -  THERE... and y'know what? Maybe this time, she'll win... maybe... it was magnificent. 

Her performance - and first-act closer - of "Cabaret" was pretty fucking awesome, too. I counted three kick-ball-change's... and one of her numerous heavy-lidded winks to her personal life during the lyric "The day she died the neighbor's came to snicker / Well that's what comes from too much pills and liquor..." [long pause and knowing glance to all five balconies as if to say "shit, girrrl, I used to get fucked up whaaaaat!"... 

After an all-too brief intermission - in which many an instance of awkward eye-contact with older professional gays were made - we were eagerly planted back in our seats to witness the re-entry of Mz. Minnelli... and oh, wouldn't you know it, there was a wardrobe change. This time bitch is swathed in CHOCOLATE sequins... her top? A PONCHO/CAPE. Yes. A sequined poncho. An evening poncho, as it were. Priceless. 

More priceless? Her first fucking song of the second act is "Liza With A 'Z'"! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? If you are sitting there being like "So, you're telling me that this was just showstopper after showstopper? Hit after hit after hit? Never a dull moment?" - yes. Yes. Yes, that is what I'm telling you. It was out of fucking control. She even took requests, apparently. She sang a song, upon request, called "Mammy". It was about a mammy and one's fondness for said mammy. Mammy's really need to come back, methinks... But fuck me, I had no idea she was taking requests, or else surely I would have pressed for a reprise of this number:

 

... BAD. So yeah. More song, dance, and analogical magic and all of a sudden it's 10 PM. Holy fuck - you could have fooled me. It had ONLY been 2 hours at this point? It felt like it was about 1 AM... in the best possible "my, how time flies!" sense... and at this point, if you are reading this and have even a SLIGHT inclination of rue and remorse that you did not go to see this concert, this bit of information is going to jerk the last nerve left restraining your finger from pulling the trigger attached to the pistol pointed at your head... 

Her closing number: ... single spotlight, backlighting her silhouette... her back is to us, one hand on hip, her other arm outstretched... snapping - SNAPPING. "New York, New York" ensues. 

I can honestly say that watching Liza motherfucking Minnelli perform "New York, New York" live will go down in history as one of the most memorable moments of my life. As will anyone else who was there. Wow. 

And it's not even over yet. She came back for an encore, feigning reluctance. That was actually pretty funny... watching her go through the motions of "oh my! What ever would I sing?!" - She and her pianist/right-hand man, the incomparable Billy Stritch (questionaly related to the prized Elaine), parked it at the piano for "Ev'rytime We Say Goodbye". We cried a little.

It didn't stop there. Everyone was STILL going ape shit, so Liza came BACK OUT. This time, she stripped off her sequined poncho and a significant portion of her hair-piece - I swear to fuck she was wearing an XL "Ghostbusters" T-Shirt that one might wear as their jammy's, but I'm told it was an Ed Hardy T, the same one she wore on an episode of Arrested Development - and sang a song of longing, a cappella. 

And that is what you missed.

Allow me to restate that I was never a die-hard fan of Liza. I went to this concert merely on a lark - my intuition told me "get it while it's still here because you'll regret it if you don't". And holy fuck - best decision I ever made.

I actually think it'd be an understatement to say that Liza is a dying breed... I think she's the last of her kind. The shit that I witnessed last night isn't cyclical; try as they might, even the most promising performers of my generation are NEVER going to be able to do what that bitch can do and NEVER have what that bitch has... this was a master class in pure, unadulterated charisma. It was starkly clear that performing was this woman's lifeblood. And that was inspiring.

In short: Best. Show. EVER!

Until... of course... 

Yes.

Sorry. I'm back to whoring. Click on it for all its hi-res glory... 

But this show is going to be absolutely BONKERS - look at that lineup!!!

Anyballs... that's what I have to say about that... 

I'm going to attempt an America's Next Top Model: Cycle 30 dopplegang-bang tomorrow... 

--- Aj

Catchin' Up: American Idol...

And a good Wednesday to you.

Ah Wednesday's. Named after the mythical Welsh god Woden. From what I can deduce, he was into humping. Which is why they named this day after him. Who the balls knows.

So... as you can imagine, on the eve of the first elimination of the American Idol's 8th season, I felt compelled to m'blog. I've been offering musings on Idol for nigh on 4 seasons now via my blog, so it just didn't seem right to abandon that tradition the way 60% of this season's female contestants have abandoned their children (for, at most, a span of 12 weeks... any way...)

Which brings me to my first point... what is with the gaggle of young mothers this season? And not just in the finals - the ratio in the finals is actually quite on point with the number the dozen or so that were in the semi-finals, and furthermore, the hundreds in the preliminaries... okay... maybe that's an exaggeration... but still!

Anyballs... this is what I make out of last night/this season so far...

In order of appearance.

Lil Rounds... Don't think I need to tell you that I love her on sheer principle. I'm kind of predisposed to love sassy, quirkily-named, animated black chicks who are both generously voiced and generously buttock'd. That would be one Lil Rounds to a tee. She'll fill this season's requiste-black- diva-who-sails-to-the-second-runner-up-position quite nicely... although she's not as vocally blessed as others who've filled that role before her (think: Kimberley Locke, Vonzell Solomon, Melinda Doolittle), she's got delivery, poise and moxie to more than make up for it. Expect her to stick around for a while... well, until precisely the Top 3, as I just said.

Scott McIntyre... is blind and don't you forget it, asshole. This season has well established itself as THE season of the backstory and Scott is its poster boy - his intro clip package literally ran for a milisecond before he said "I've been blind since birth...". His vocals are middling at best... reminiscent of a young Christopher Cross (some dead fucking sexy stuff here, people...) BUT HE'S BLIND, SO YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HIM!!! Methinks this going to be one bumpy ride we're in for with him... think Sanjaya, but with an actual physical disability.

If Danny Gokey wasn't a.) a dead wife pity-monger b.) a Jesus freak and c.) actually named "Danny Gokey", I think I'd like him. He's got a great voice - a perfectly palatable growl reminiscent of a young Michael Bolton (which I actually mean as a compliment... I do enjoy the Bolton from time to time...) and an unassuming charisma about him. Unfortunately items a.), b.) and c.) still stand. So no fucking dice. Meh. Pending a Chris Sligh-esque flameout in the next couple of weeks, expect him to go far.

Michael Sarver... would last a lot longer if he succumbed to stereotype and went country. Instead he's just another Color-Me-Badd-esque R&B-warbling wigger about 15 years too late. He probably delivered the best performance he could have hoped for last night, and should stave off elimination for one week and one week only... but m'afraid he's back to the oil rigs after that. Which is apparently the most dangerous job ever, or something.

Jasmine Murray... has the face that Li'l Kim had initially envisioned at the onset of her plastic surgery. I'm convinced of it. And her mother is the hottest tranny I've ever laid eyes upon. She's got about all the potential in the world - a potentially great voice, a potentially great look, a potentially great performance style - but it's all undercooked at this point. And considering the fact that she wasn't actually voted IN to the competition in the first place, things are looking pretty grim for her tonight...

Kris Allen... is fine, if you like that sort of thing. I think he's terribly nondescript and doesn't even give me half a boner. He rode the heartthrob wave into the finals (snatching that position away from much better-singing, boner-inducing candidates... Ricky Braddy, natch) on an exceptionally impressive vocal showing, and I guess he's now trying to carve out his niche as some sort of Jason Mraz tribute act... something, I fear, might just work to his advantage. Blah!

Allison Iraheta... (or "Allison Mojito", as I've called her for the past couple of weeks completely unaware of what her actual last name was, just knowing it was something Latin) is the hottest bitch alive. FOR REAL - she's only 16? NUTS. Her voice is RIDICULOUS (think present-day, lived-in Pink), she works the stage masterfully and is wonderfully unguarded (in response to Simon telling her she needs to lighten up: "It's not like I cut myself or anything!")... AMAZING. I both hope and expect she goes far...

Anoop Desai... is set to benefit off America's Slumdog-mania about a million times more than any of those child actors who were actually IN the movie will... I can tell you THAT for free... Seriously. Does American Idol seriously need an everyman every season? Could we not do without the nerdy kid who can kind of carry a tune and "oh, good for him! GO AMERICAN DREAM!" for ONE season? No. I guess we can't. Expect this to go south... and FAST!
Jorge Nunez... will be in for at LEAST three more weeks based solely on the votes he gets from the members of his extended family who were gathered around his television for his intro-clip package. He's got a good voice... reminiscent of a young Marc Anthony (and I'm not just "meh... who's a Spanish singer?"-generalizing when I say that!)... but is increasingly uneasy to watch and look at... I'd bet on him making a Bottom 3 visit tonight...

Megan Corkrey... has the most solid reason for becoming a teenage mother I've ever heard: she couldn't get into her high school musical. Or something like that, BASICALLY. But yeah - perhaps showing her dissolve into tears explaining her separation anxiety during her intro package wasn't the greatest case to be made about why you should vote for her, but I guess we'll see... She's quirky. Bjork-meets-Hilary Duff. She looks like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls. She's definitely going to be the pretty girl who's in the Bottom Three for 4 consecutive weeks before she's ultimately sent packing...

Adam Lambert... is a good old fashioned over-bronzed power bottom and I say more power to him! I do kind of feel like he's a bit of a Chris Kattan-character, and I'm far from feelin' the fuck out of his voice, but ever since those photos of him tonguing another dude came out, I'm all aboard his train. And the judges seem to be championing him, too. So that's a good thing. I'm super hoping that he actually does something brashly faggy and provacative and makes a statement...

Matt Giraud... is really nothing spectacular. Don't be fooled. He's worked very hard at affecting himself with all the trappings of a Robin Thicke-esque neo-soul man, but as the all-over-the-place-ness of his performance demonstrated, he lacks the musicality. Expect the cracks to start showing as the weeks trapse on...

Alexis Grace... is maybe better than I thought she was. That was downright Pat Benetar-ian last night! Good on her! The judges apparently spend all their boner juice, because they were nonplussed - which was bullshit. She did quite a nice little job on it. Another front runner!

I'm going to call the bottom three as being Jasmine, Jorge and Megan, although I'm sure I'm wrong about it. There are 13 of them. It's kind of a crapshoot at this point. I'd like to think that with all the overlap of ghastly R&B-singing white dudes, at least one of them bottoms out...

Beyond that, apparently there's some sort of twist happening - I'm 99% certain that the judges will throw down some sort of sing-off and decide who stays and who goes. Which will be SCANDALOUS.

Meh.

Later,

--- Aj

On The Topic Of: The Oscars

Salutations.

How's your winter been? Notice that broad stroke? How I can ask you how an entire season of your life has been? And why? Because I've been so shamefully M.I.A. (missing in action, that is... not birthing a little Sri Lankan heir to my rap throne a mere 3 days after appearing at the Grammy's, mind you...)

I'm very sorry about that. I've made several attempts to post in the past couple of weeks, and they always start out the same way... me explaining where I've been - in truth, just working... - and it's never remotely funny and then POOF - time to leave before I've even started to wax engagingly regarding Jessica Simpson's overblown weight gain. But fuck it. I'm just going to go balls deep without any lube or preparatory taint massage, so bite ya pillows, y'all...

So yeah... Last night... OSCARS.

A snail paced marathon that I'll simply never tire of. Last night's seemed exceptionally snail paced, but was not without its charms.

I've got to say: I felt the fuck out of that thing that they did with the five past winners welcoming this year's recipient into the club. My first impression was that the multiple introductions and the wedding-esque speeches would get a little long and a little nauseatingly precious, but nope. Felt the fuck out of it, did I. I'm someone who loves that sort of stuff, though - over-appreciation sort of stuff. Almost like delivering an obituary early... remarking overly fondly about living people... I do it a lot to my friends when I'm drunk, so yeah. That was very up my alley. That was one wheel whose reinvention went off without a hitch...

Some things that I most absolutely did NOT feel the fuck out of:

I thought the In Memoriam was handled disgracefully.

I'll admit it: I love the In Memoriam. I look forward to it. First off, I loves me a montage. Secondly, I love trivia. Thirdly, I love a popularity contest. Alternately, I'm not entirely impartial to moody, swelling strings. The In Memoriam montage has all these things... AND MORE! I was quite comfortable with the classic paradigm of having a full screen, hastily spliced-together montage flashing clips and pictures of those we lost this year to intermittent applause breaks and the requisite dimming of the lights to close. Whomever's idea it was to have Queen Latifah serenade us with a frumpy jazz standard while skirting the camera back and forth, short and wide so the names and faces were respectively unrecognizable and [Heath] illeg[er]ible needs a swift kick in the box. It was an arrogant attempt to put a personal stamp on something that hardly needed fixing in the first place... and totally undermined the people it was supposed to be pay tribute to in the first place. Not to mention the GROTESQUE oversight of Estelle Getty and Anita Page.

After substantial rumination, I've concluded that the musical is most definitely not back. Even if it was enjoying a modest upswing at the moment, it was a dealt a massive setback last night in the form of that deplorable salute to the movie musical care of host Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron, Vanessa "Pizza Beav" Hudgens, glorified chorus members Amanda Seyfried and Dominic Cooper of Mamma Mia, and of course, Beyonce. Because no one can embarrass themselves in a musical number at the Oscars quite like Beyonce... or have you forgotten about this:



Now I don't speak French, but have heard from those who do, that it's almost insulting. Also, did anyone else notice that part when she busted into "At Last"? What did that have to do with movie musicals? Was that a deleted number from "Meet Me In St. Louis" or some shit? Nope? Nope. Methinks it was a boldfaced jab at Etta James - yet another manoeuvre in my second favourite May-December cat fight of late (my favourite, of course, being the Faye Dunaway v. Hilary Duff bout currently in progress... LOVESIT!!!) ...

Aaanyballs - other highlights came c/o that mischievous French tightropist (that's right... take THAT Beyonce and your smoke 'n mirrors... you was upstaged by a fucking street mime who could balance an Oscar on his chin and make a coin disappear up his sleeve... awesome...), Tina Fey's mere presence (and holy BALLS how gorgeous did she look?), and, of course, the completely unnecessary panning to Angelina Jolie during a visibly flustered Jennifer Aniston's award presentation for animated features. That was actually amazing. I live for that shit. At one point, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie were quite actually steps apart from each other. AMAZING.

The statues followed a pretty predictable course... Penny Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona (Viola Davis WILL rise again!)... Heathcliff Ledger for The Dark Knight (Why was there 0.0 mention of Michelle Williams? She's KIND of the mother of his child/most underrated member of Destiny's Child)... Kate Winslet for The Reader (which they kinda HAD to give her at this point)... the only surprise was Sean Penn for Milk - not that he didn't deserve it, because holy fuckfuckfuck he sooo did... I wept at that movie. WEPT - but because the old boys club that is the Academy is notoriously stingy about lionizing gays.

Well I guess a lot of those old dudes died between Brokeback and Milk, because Milk totally won a bunch of important shit! ... And generated the two most heartbreakingly memorable moments of the telecast... Sean Penn's hilarious and poignant acceptance speech - in which he addressed the Academy as "commie, homo-loving songs of guns" [half-facetiously, maybe], made light of his not-always-so-agreeable nature, and sternly urged for equal rights for all. And with that, a very unlikely gay icon was made. Like for real - busted, serious, "Jude Law Is One Of Our Finest Actors"-saying Sean Penn. Pretty crazy stuff.

The highlight of the night for me, and, I assume, every other gay dude on the planet (excluding that bunch that were on last week's episode of The Tyra Banks Show, topic: I Hate Being Gay... ohhhhhh brother...) when Milk scribe Dustin Lance Black won best original screenplay.

I was really hoping for a soap-box moment, and boy-oh-boy did I get one. His speech, below:



Class frickin' act, I tells ya. Not to mention, the boy has a standing invitation to sit, full weight, on my face at any space and/or place in time. Yes, that invitation honours the possibility of time travel.

Anyballs... that was that with that.

What's is what with what, however?

That's right. Another one. All new girls!!! I'd strongly urge you to click the above image and see it in all it's high-ish resolution glory.

Back tomorrow. Let's talk about this Rihanna/Chris Brown 'Domestic Disturbiance' stuff.

Deal!

--- Aj

Viral Video Vixens of '08

Haaaappy New Year!

It's Aught 9 and I have to guess that you're feelin' fine. Primarily, because that shit rhymes.

How was your new year rung in? Fun-ly? I assume so. Mine was good? I say that as a questionstatement, because I don't really remember too much. I drank m'self 2 - AS IN TWO - bottles of champagne. It wasn't nearly as elegant as it sounds. Anyballs, shinanigoats ensued and I stumbled home at around 4 AM to gorge on Havarti and watch Hello Again - the quintessential Shelley Long film. For realz - bitch says her patented "Yoo-Hoo!" upwards to and including (but not limited to) 12 times. Amazing.

All in all, I think it was the most fun I've had on New Years since being in Toronto. Bearing in mind that there's not a terribly high bar - my first Toronto-based new years was spent with my then-University beau who did coke at 2 AM, got mad at me for letting him do coke, then couldn't get erect. (Sidebar: isn't an alert, sturdy boner one of the few up-sides to cocaine use? That's always what I was lead to believe... b'ooohhh well)... another new years saw me go to this house party wherein I knew 3 people, only to discover my lone romantic prospect for the evening passed out on the toilet... and of course last year, when I served as the most unnecessary host in the history of hosts for New Years at the Drake Hotel, and realized 5 seconds before counting down to midnight that I didn't have the most remote idea of how the lyrics to "Auld Lang Syne" went - a song I was supposed to lead the crowd in. As you can imagine, I desecrated the shit. Terrible.

Anyballs - that's all in the past. A fresh year awaits! But before we dust off our knees, shout "EXCELSIOR!" and do one of those on-the-spot Barney Rubble runs into what is promised to be the most fabulous year that anyone's e'er had E'ER, one more FINAL look back on 2008 before we bid adieu to it once and for all... 

2008 - much like any other year in the recent single-digits of the millennium - won't be remembered for its hot-button political figures... nor for it's pop-star comeback queens... or even for its salsa-dancing grandma's... but for its youtube personalities.

That's right - one again, I give you My Top 10 Viral Video Vixens... of 2008!!!

There they are. Let's see how the cards fall...

2008 was an interesting year in viral video stars. As the public and private spheres collide, it seems harder and harder to find truly authentic, earnest, candid video subjects that have no idea how entertaining they are and better yet, how sensational their impact will be. Still, 2008's VVV's aren't lookin' too shabby... 

10.) GWEN VERDON

Ah Gwen Verdon. Little did the Broadway legend and original Fosse muse know that she'd be sky-rocketed back into fame courtesy of some glorious jackass synching her kitschy performance of "Mexican Breakfast" on The Ed Sullivan Show with rapper Unk's "Walk It Out". The originatress of such roles as 'Lola' in Damn Yankees, 'Charity' in Sweet Charity and 'Roxie Hart' in Chicago - Gwen Verdon was passing stripper moves off as legitimate dancing before Britney Spears was even a murky twinkle in Lynne and Jamie's eyes. Gwen is worth mentioning for two reasons: she's example of something that was made, at its time, to be completely devoid of irony, only to become wholly ironic years later when circulated via youtube (just like 2007's top Viral Video Vixen, Brenda Dickson) and also because this video is directly responsible for the most user generated viral content this past year. But more on that later...

9.) RICKY'S MOM

Why did/does everything that was made in the 70's seem like it's a bizarre horror-porno? Like in how - tonally or cinematically - there's no difference between Deep Throat and Carrie? This was originally to be a sex education film to be shown to high-schoolers back in the 70's - dealing specifically with masturbation. Even more specifically - a shaggy little dude named Ricky having an organ recital only to be walked in on by his FUCKING SUPER CREEPY mother. Who, make no mistake about it, "knew what [he was] doing... and [is] sorry for interrupting [his] privacy..." If you've ever needed to laugh nervously, scream in horror, then laugh hysterically, then apprehensively ponder what it was you just saw... THIS is the clip for YOU!

8.) CAPUCINE

ADORABLENESS ALERT!!! Sound the alarms!!! ... that sound like newborn's cooing... because this is the most adorable shit I've seen all year. She's this little cherub from France... depending on how you look at it, she's either a precursor to Amelie or a postcursor to Madeleine (yes... I know... I've made two references to Madeleine in two consecutive blogs... and you know what, motherfucker? I'mma make another one tomorrow... SUCK IT!) - either way, hog-tying Hamas operatives and making them watch this clip might just be the key to peace in the Middle East. Here, she tells a story freestyle - or, rather, en francais, liberer le style - about... oh... who the fuck cares what it's about - SHE'S ADORABLE!!!

7.) THE ARCHULETA SUPER FANS

If that last clip was enough to extinguish my great disdain for children, this next one is enough to reignite it in one powerful blast... Backstory: this past season on American Idol, the crown came down to two David's... David Cook, a scruffy, apathetic rocker who had cornered and ultimately triumphed with the elusive cougar vote... and David Achuleta, a squeaky-clean, baby-faced 16-year-old who made David Cassidy look like Charles Manson... understandably, David Archuleta had somewhat of a fervent teenage female fan base. Just how fervent, well, I don't think any of us had the slightest clue... until... 

6.) JUDI SHEPPARD-MISSET

Ahem. Miss Sheppard-Misset started from humble beginnings: a lowly jazz-dance teacher in the late 60's, she saw dwindling numbers in her classes (despite the stellar example set by Gwen Verdon, apparently)... so, on a lark, she decided to do away with the mirrors and the moves and focus on just havin' some fun. So was born JAZZERCISE! Below is her somewhat enthusiastic routine to "Move Your Boogie Body" from one of I can only hope is many Jazzercize home videos... there is absolutely nothing NOT to love about this fucking video... 

Pallette Cleanser: PROP 8, THE MUSICAL

Certainly constructed to be viewed... and viewed... AND VIEWED!!!... Prop 8: The Musical doesn't really fit into this list of what I consider truly grass-roots sensations, but it was just too fucking good and significant to be left out. That, AND it features the out-and-out love of my life, Maya P.K. Rudolph. 

5.) JULIE KLAUSNER & JACKIE CLARKE

Thanks to the power and glory of youtube, this past year saw the comedic genius' of Klausner & Clarke brought to my attention. Funnily enough it was their spot-on, note-for-note perfect parody of last year's VVV of the year, the ultra-glamorous Brenda Dickson (worth linking to again), in one of their many, many, MANY (<<<--- especially that one. Mommy Time. AMAZING!) brilliant viral offerings, "Welcome To Our House" that first caught my eye, and that I'm choosing to highlight here - although, really, you should thoroughly watch and re-watch each and every last drop of their shit if you know what's good for you. How these two have eluded Saturday Night Live in lieu of the lowly Casey Wilson's of the world astounds, confounds and disturbs me... 

4.) SHANE MERCADO

Once upon a time, #10 VVV of 2008 Gwen Verdon's "Mexican Breakfast/Walk It Out" video hit the internet. Then, one Beyonce Giselle Knowles - as she's prone to do - took wind of it, skank-ified it ever so slightly and used it as inspiration for the video of her current number 1 smash single, "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)". Talk about a butterfly effect - the next thing you know, some tranny with entirely too much time on his hands records himself performing a beat-for-beat choreographic reenactment of the dance from the video in his dorm room and voila: global cyber-sensation. What the taut, nimble Mr. Mercado set off has been unprecedented... everyone and their fucking mother recorded their own "response video" with results ranging from hilarious to bizarre to grotesque... not to mention an appearance on The Bonnie Hunt show - who could ask for anything more?

3.) THE CHEETAH LADY

Hmm. Umm. Yeah. I don't know quite what to say about this one. I'm not sure anyone does. I have no idea what the origins of this video is nor of this lady are. I've heard people refer to this as the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" of 2008 - only y'know, not involving two girls shitting and puking on each other - but equally disturbing and perplexing. Don't worry - it's completely SFW (safe for work). It just might not be SFYS (safe for your sanity)... 

2.) SCARLETT, AND THE MIGHTY TUMBLE SHE TOOK

ALL HAIL SCARLETT... America's next top R&B singer-songwriter/spinal-transplant-recipient. When the zaftig Scarlett took to her webcam earlier this year, recording herself singing an original R&B composition all of her own, A capella, whilst pacing around her rumpus room, only to find herself atop a coffee table that ultimately proved no match for her... things took a nasty (AND HILARIOUS) left turn - and history was made. Yes. History. As much for her death-defying 'tumble' as for her ability to popularize the abbreviation "tha'urt" out of "that hurt"... Scarlett, we can't wait to see what ELSE you have up your sleeve/pant leg... 

But

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1.) MEAGAN "ROJO CALIENTE" TAYLOR

Bling, bling, expensive things? That's Rojo Caliente. Movie stars, magazines? Rojo Caliente. Drivin' in your car, that's also very expensive? Again, Rojo Caliente. Yes. Some of you may know her as Meagan Taylor... I, however, know her as the things that dreams are made of. The pudgy, teenage Jewess (and current Queen's student... *starts the oil thigh [a Queen's thing. I went to Queen's, if you didn't know]*) who, legend has it, received a million dollars from her father for her Bat Mitzvah and spent it on recording a reggae-hip-hop single and corresponding video entitled "Rojo Caliente" - loosely translated: Red Hot. While this video is every kind of WRONG under the sun, Meagan Taylor is every kind of right - reminder to all of us to never, EVER, stop reachin' for those stars.

And that's the note I'd prefer to leave you on with that.

In other news:

John Travolta [basically] murdered his disabled son.

More on that tomorrow.

Feel fine in 09,

--- Aj

And a happy holidays to you... they continue to rage on...

It's my highest and brightest hope that they were indeed happy, and you're not currently powerless (in the electrical sense), as many wind-stricken people are right now. Because that would suck. I go batshit nuts when the power goes out. Like, almost-resort-to-cannibalism-crazy. I treat every power outage like it's an apocalypse or something. Which might explain why my freezer is well stocked with salted venison, but that's a story for another day...

So, my friends, 2008 draws to a close - and thank fucking God, am I right? Am I? Ladies? Do you hear what I'm talking about? And if the end of the year is good for one thing, it's end-of-year-roundups-in-the-form-of-Top-10-lists... 

So I thought I might cap this one off with my ceremonial Top 10 Bitches that I Loved & Hated in [insert year]!!! 

Yepper skeppers, there they are. In all their glory/shame. Oooooh I just can't wait to find out how the cards fall - can you?!?!?! 

But yeah... here's my annual wrap-up of the various bitches who I've felt have defined the year passed, for better and/or for worse... 

Let the games begin...

10.) PATTI LuPONE

A recurring motif in the lists of ladies that I choose to exalt is/are the sort of survivor-y journeywomen entertainers who've had a glimmer of limelight in the past but continue to truck on despite waning interest and then BAM - they're granted another moment in the sun. Such is the case with Miss Patti LuPone. Embarrassingly enough, until about 5 years ago, I had no fucking idea that Patti LuPone was a Broadway Star - most notably, for originating the role of Eva Peron in Evita, for which she won her first of two Tony Awards, almost 30 years ago. I knew her as Libby Thacher on the Sunday night family drama, Life Goes On. And the only reason I knew that was because Life Goes On was on right before America's Funniest Home Videos, which was a big fucking deal in my household. Aaanyballs - she was all but put out to pasture until a star turn in as 'Mama Rose' in the legendary musical Gypsy thrust her back into the limelight... squarely in the form of her fucking the absolute shit out of its act 1 closer, "Everything's Coming Up Roses" on this year's Tony telecast. If watching the 59-year-old LuPone belt that out note-for-note-perfect doesn't make you secrete something from somewhere... then I don't know what. Patti LuPone, everyone... BITCH HAS STILL GOT IT!

9.) RACHEL MADDOW

In what was arguably the most politically relevant year for the GLBT community in decades, we couldn't have asked for a better representative to enter political-pundit-dom than Rachel Maddow. If you haven't seen this lady in action A.) I pity you and wish you the best with your complete Season 2 DVD's of Life According To Jim (read: you're a dumbass) and B.) I would describe her thusly: picture Rosie O'Donnell during her super-politically-charged tenure on The View, only less hysterical and with copious educational credits (not that there's anything wrong with Rosie's approach... in fact, there's everything right with it, I'm just sayin'...) ... The first openly gay i.) Rhodes' Scholar and ii.) Primetime News Pundit, Maddow laid her brand of hyper-intelligent, lesbo-centric smackdown where it was just deserved at every turn, making your Pat Bunchanan's and Ann Coulter's tremble in their sensible conservative footwear. Rachel motherfucking Maddow - Truly, no one on the corner has the bulldagger swagger like hers... 

8.) ELIZABETH MOSS

Elizabeth Moss first came to my attention in 1999's feelgood hit of the year, Girl Interrupted, playing the stunted-adolescent burn victim 'Polly "Torch" Clark' [upper left-hand inset]. Who knew that a scant 9 years later she'd be the face of 2008's premiere feminist tele-heroine 'Peggy Olson' on AMC's exquisite prime time serial Mad Men? If you haven't seen this show - DO! It's amazing. It's about a Madison Avenue advertising agency in 1960, and her character is this dowdy girl who unassumingly busts every ball up in dat detestable suit-wearing, whiskey-slugging, bottom-tapping, "Tootz"-calling boys club that is Sterling Cooper to rise to the top... played impeccably by Elizabeth Moss who makes it well worth watching. SO rooting for her at the SAG's... 

7.) CLORIS LEACHMAN

The most boldfaced inspiration to your Nana's self-actualization since The Golden Girls, 8motherfucking2-year-old Cloris Leachman danced her way right into the finals of this year's Dancing With The Stars... and with it, our hearts. Despite constant scathing criticism by the 'judges' for her wacky, two-left-footed, horny Grandma antics trumping more qualified dancers (because truly, if Dancing With The Stars is anything, it is a deadly serious ballroom competition... I'm talkin' to you, Carrie-Ann Inaba - you fucking glorified lap-dancer), Cloris has proven that 80 is the new 60... or... at least, 100 is the new 90. EITHER WAY - A WIN/WIN FOR NANA'S!!!

6.) BEYONCE, PINK

Bold statement alert::: how might one stay on top in the music business? Simple: create trends rather than follow them. That's precisely what these two ladies have done since their meagre inceptions ---(for realsies... I can remember paying astute attention to both of these bitches when they started out in the late 90's... Beyonce - then part of Destiny's Child - was rockin' a $4 weave and pleather pants, chanting things in 3's ("No, No, No"... "Bills, Bills, Bills"... "what's her problem?", I thought to m'self... and Pink had this slicked-back magenta hair and these hip-hop videos with her cupping her bare breasts... NUTS!)--- and a very cultivated autonomy rings truer than ever with their respective musical efforts this past year. MmmHmm... "I Am... Sasha Fierce" and "Funhouse" are two of the back-to-fucking-back, cover-to-fucking-cover best albums I've heard in a long time. It's been very evident for a long time that they set the queues, and dozen's of other pop-chanteuses-du-jour clamor to follow them... but you can absolutely mark my word - these two are the bitches that you'll be paying to see in stadiums 30 years from now.

Pallette Cleanser: BRITNEY SPEARS

Oh, Britney. Britney Britney Britney. You started the year off strapped to a gurney, prepped for a lobotomy. Things were looking grim. Even I felt for you. Then, there was a 720 degree turn - you severed communication from Adnan, re-welcomed your father into the managerial picture and most importantly, cut out those fucking Fraps. And now you're back on top. I can't stay that I'm necessarily happy about that - I've never much been a fan. But I can appreciate a good comeback. And this was quite a comeback. Well done. 

5.) MERYL STREEP

If Cloris Leachman was the Miley Cyrus to Nana's everwhere, Meryl Streep occupied that aspirational figure for everyone's Mom this year. The greatest film actress - living or dead... THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT... HAVE YOU SEEN 'SHE-DEVIL', MOTHAFUCKA?!?! - achieved the impossible dream in 2008... she became a bona fide, bankable movie star entering her 60's. I'm certainly not someone who was waiting to be persuaded by the power, glory, and bon homie of Streep, mind you - so this is hardly a revelation. (Sidebar: Although I could try, I'm not sure I could sound gayer than I did in that last sentence... moving on...) BUT I can simply take pleasure in seeing one of the greatest talents and most profound geniuses of our time FINALLY see her due...

4.) ALANA JOHNSTON

THE LOCAL MENTION!!! Holy mother of pearl... Alana Johnston (who, incidentally, is of no [known... although if I dig through my father's type-written family tree, it's entirely possible] relation) blew my fucking mind this year. She's definitely one to watch. This slot is sort of my requisite "representational-of-every-Toronto-female-comic-PARTICULARLY-those-who-have-done-Bitch-Salad" slot, but her shit has absolutely blown my mind. Long live H'Alana.

3.) HILARY CLINTON

It pains me to think that years from now, Hilary Clinton will be thought of as this sort of shrill Obama adversary - or, rather, Obamadversary. Because that simply isn't nor wasn't the truth. Hilary Clinton punched her fucking clock, man. She bided her time. She made a run for it, and it was fucking golden. She didn't win it, but she came super, suuuper fucking close. Hilary Clinton ought to and needs to go down in history as a true vanguard; someone who took the hit so that others could come through the gate, and above all else, someone who handled it with an Olympic level of grace. I don't know about you, but I'll always think "what if Hilary had gotten it..."

2.) Tie: ELAINE'S STRITCH & BOOSLER

This is blatantly selfish... I can't tell you the level of joy I've gleamed this year from these two ladies - both coincidentally named "Elaine" (although, yes, Boosler's is spelled 'Elayne', I really liked the ring of "Elaine's Stritch & Boosler"... so fuck you, purists/Elayne Boosler... if you're actually reading this... in which case, I LOVE YOU!!!).

Stritch: Hard-living Broadway legend who's rocketed back into relevance as Alec Baldwin's character's mother on the greatest television show ever to exist, 30 Rock, who's one-woman show "Elaine Stritch, Live at Liberty" I purchased for a cool $50 this summer and became OBSESSED with. What's not to love about Elaine Stritch? NOTHING. She's wholly transfixing. There used to be a ton of clips from her one-woman show online, but they've all been taken off. That's a shame. Luckily, this video of her winning an Emmy for her one-woman show still exists. I urge you to watch it. Also - my Bitch Salad co-producer's and I have come to the conclusion that when/if - KNOCK ON WOOD, SALT OVER SHOULDER - Elaine passes on, we'll have a Toronto-based wake entitled "Stritch Salad". 

Boosler: The unsung heroine of comedy, she started out as a coat-check girl at The Improv when she befriended a young Andy Kaufman and started dating him. After one too many "I could do that" notions, she did, and became the preeminent ladycomic (all one word, yes) of the 70's and 80's. Deodorant spokeswoman, sporatic 80's sitcom mainstay, andrenowned vest enthusiast - Elayne fucking Boosler is the shit. Legend has it that she rebuffed Johnny Carson's advances, which put a ceiling on her career whilst the less-talented Judy Tenuta's and Paula Poundstone's rose to fame. Whatever. Elayne Boosler is the fucking shit. GET BAM-BOOSLER'D TODAY!!! 

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1.) TINA FEY

The ways in which I love Elizabeth Samatina Fey are too numerous, elaborate and lurid to post here in print. 2008 was her year. Period. She ushered in the return of the female buddy comedy earlier this year with the number 1 movie Baby Mama... brought home triple-Emmy-gold for her ingenious 30 Rock, delivering the greatest Emmy acceptance speech since Elaine Stritch... and of course, became more of a household name than Kleenex with her impression of a certain folksy, MILF-y Vice-Presidential Candidate who shall remain nameless - shaping the political discourse in the process. Not bad for a unibrowed square peg from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania (in the event that you missed that one, I'd invite you to refer to her high school yearbook photo, inset)... Thank God for Tina Fey. My life is right as long as I have Tina Fey in it. Amen.

Now... the bad news...

Or good news if you enjoy scathing negativity, which, I have a lingering suspicion that you indeed do... 

THE TOP 10 BITCHES I HATED IN 2008...

10.) ANNE SLOWEY

Editrix-in-Chief of Elle Magazine/Dead fucking ringer for Sarah Jessica Parker's character in Hocus Pocus, Anne entered the reality-television-villain realm this year as the decider on what I can honestly say was the biggest cavalcade of wretched assaches I've ever seen - Stylista. I caught but one episode of that shit and have been throwing up in my mouth ever since. I might have liked it back in the early days of reality TV, when people weren't so conscious of formulating themselves into characters... Omarosa-syndrome, as it were... but these people were just deplorable and soooo pretentious - especially Slowey. From the second she arrived to grade the contestants on who got her preferred breakfast and slipped into some sort of Anna Wintour-light character, I was over it. OVER IT, I SAY! 

9.) CASEY WILSON

I've always been hyper-aware about when female cast members on SNL break. When their first big moment is. It's usually about 6 months into their tenure... Molly Shannon busted out Mary Katherine Gallagher around that time... Rachel Dratch did that horribly deformed child that wore a burlap sack, had an arm growing out of its head and could only say "Glorph!"... the divine Amy Poehler, of course, gave us Amber - the over-confidant amputee with a flatulence problem... it typically happens by now. Casey Wilson - it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. On the plus side, you're still better than 2 Laraine Newman's, 5 Victoria Jackson's and a baker's dozen of Beth Cahill's.

8.) TRICIA WALSH-SMITH

AAAAAAHHH!!! Everybody run! Crazy, over-privileged, questionably-British divorcee/minor youtube star Tricia Walsh-Smith is coming to steal your soul!!! Yep... this lady is textbook bonkers - she makes Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction look as harmless and carefree as inquisitive French schoolgirl, Madeleine... earlier this year, she and her crazy eyes famously took to youtube to air her very private grievances about her divorce and make her case for why she should remain in the lap of luxury... and for some reason, we kept watching... and watching... and watching... 

7.) MILEY CYRUS

As I get older, I become increasingly cynical about IT-girls. You need to understand, I've lived through so many of them by this point. I can remember, only a few years ago when the likes of Kirsten Dunst, Jessica Simpson and Ashanti were the absolute scaldingly hottest things on the planet and now they're lucky if they're practically anonymous. Take heed, you little strumpet... I find it specifically exceptional how Miley Cyrus - in about a span of 5 months - went from super-famous to complete overexposure... it usually takes at least 6...  then there's this whole self-righteous virginity issue, which is just a patent set-up for failure... Flooziness and an inclination for hard-living are imbedded in her genes... expect two things from Miley by the end of 2009 - A.) A pregnancy and B.) not being able to remember her name. 

6.) SALLY KERN

Gross. Just gross. This blob of a lady who looks like she's coming to eat your children set the stage for the great GLBT human rights movement we're experiencing right now when, earlier this year, she was recorded in some sort of secret Republican kabal in her native Oklahoma (where she was an elected and is now, amazingly, a re-elected state legislator) making utterly shocking homophobic remarks. There aren't enough numbers to count all the kinds of wrong this bitch is. AND those jug-blowing yokels in Oklahoma actually RE-ELECTED her! To give you some perspective - this would be like electing an actual hood-wearing KKKlansman to office in the late 60's. If nothing else, this raging cunt serves as a reminder of how very, VERY far we have to go. 

Pallette Cleanser: ELISABETH FILARSKI-HASSELBECK

I routinely pose the question to myself about whether or not I'd be happier if Elizabeth Hasselbeck was tossed out on her impenetrably clenched ass from The View. And, after exhaustingly weighing the pro's and con's (because that's what I do in my spare time, y'know... make completely inconsequential lists of pro's and con's... oh brother...), I always come back to the conclusion that I enjoy her as a Republican whipping boy waaay too much to see her leave.  

5.) THOMAS BEATTIE, THE PREGNANT MAN

Now I am all for tickety-tock tranny's, as you may know. But this was a bit much even for me. Thomas Beattie used to be a chick. Thomas Beattie decided to become a dude, and was well under way to dude-dom, but - call it a hunch - decided to keep hi/r lady business, well, just in case. So, instead of adopting one of countless children who need a home, the Beattie's decided to play God and generate not one but TWO of what will no doubt be the most hormonally complex children in history. I feel the same way about Thomas Beattie as I do about TurDuckEn (A Chicken stuffed inside a Duck stuffed inside a Turkey... yes, it's a godless bastardization of fowl, if you ask me)... just because it could happen, doesn't necessarily mean it should happen... 

4.) JENNIFER ANISTON

Even my shrillest, neediest, most sensitive female acquaintances who I've heartlessly phased out of my life were more tolerable than Jennifer Aniston in 2008. So here's the deal: you've got a children's movie about a dog coming out on Christmas Day! How do you promote it? Take to every single print publication that will have you and talk about how desperately lonely you are (not to mention, continue to plead for people's sympathy and stay attached to the Brangelina saga by referring to Angelina Jolie's actions as "uncool"). Jennifer Aniston's "Tour of Uncool 08" was relentless, and what's worse - it worked. Marley & Me debuted at number 1. God help us the next time she has something to promote... it will be very uncool... 

3.) ASHLEY ALEXANDRA DUPRE

The Elliot Spitzer whore. Okay - no one understands that a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do better than me, but this opportunistic skank sunk to treacherous new lows. An aspiring singer, DuPre decided to pay her bills via the oldest profession in the world. One of her clients was super-hypocritical governor of New York and established adversary of the sex industry, Elliot Spitzer. He got busted. Her name got revealed. People flocked to her myspace page, looked through her pictures, played her songs. She lapped up the attention. Girls Gone Wild impresario/douchebag Joe Francis offered her a million dollars to do a video. That is, until the Girls Gone Wild people discovered that she was already part of their family on a tape from years previous. HA! Bitch gave it away for free. Suddenly the offer was off the table and her stock began to plummet... until months later when she sits down with Diane Sawyer and tries to re-ignite the fire and insincerely apologizing to Spitzer's family. Good luck with that music career.

2.) LORI DREW

The "Most Hated Woman On The Internet" got away with cold blooded murder this fall. Background in a nutshell: a psychologically shaky girl named Megan Meier had apparently spread some gossip about Lori's daughter - an incredibly out-of-character move for a teenage girl, am I right? So Lori did what any good mother would do - she set up a fake myspace profile as an 18-year-old boy named "Josh Evans", seduced her, coerced secrets out of her, publicly humiliated her and ultimately drove her to suicide. Yep. In a nutshell. Then - this fall - she walked away scott free and opened up a very worthwhile dialogue about how to deal with and legally punish cyber-bullying. Beyond the fact that this bitch is indefinitely going to be Hitler's bunkmate in hell, I think if you actually have the time and effort to construct an elaborate ruse on a social networking site might be a pretty clear sign that you should think about taking up a hobby. This all could have been avoided if Lori Drew had just fucking taken up knitting like a normal Mom... 

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1.) SARAH PALIN

I don't think we'll ever fully comprehend how close we got to civilization coming to an end. Because, people - that finger over the big red button with an "X" on it lingered dangerously close. We were so damningly close to complete catastrophe. If Sarah Palin had made it, our world would look like some terrifying cross between The Day After Tomorrow (in terms of ecological devastation) meets A Handmaid's Tale (in terms of every woman would have a chip implanted in her head that would shock them if they even thought about abortion) meets Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion (or some sort of lady comedy where a dimwit makes good)... I truly do believe that one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse came and went with Sarah Palin, and join you in a collective "Phew". 

So yeah.

That's about it for me for Aught 8. 

I thank you so much tuning in this year. The feedback I get about these little scribblings continues to amaze me and I appreciate it more than I can tell you...

I hope you have the happiest 2009 imaginable - 

A small contribution to your night and another annual tradition - MY YEAR END DANCE PARTY MIX!!! 

Ass-rocking tunes from this year passed! Track listing... 

Mary J. Blige - Just Fine (Moto Blanco Mix)

Estelle feat. Kanye West - American Boy (Soul Seekerz Mix)

Janet - Feedback (Ralphi Rosario Mix)

Britney Spears - Break The Ice (Kaskade Mix) 

Snoop Dogg - Sexual Seduction (Wideboys Mix) 

NeYo - Closer (Norty Cotto Mix) 

Alicia Keys - No One (Lenny B Mix) 

Mariah Carey - Touch My Body (Seamus Haji Mix)

Natasha Bedingfield - Angel (Moto Blanco Mix) 

Lady GaGa - Just Dance (Harry 'Choo Choo' Romero Mix)

Madonna featuring Timbaland & Justin Timberlake - 4 Minutes (Bob Sinclair Mix) 

Rihanna - Disturbia (Jody Ben Broeder Mix) 

Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl (Bam Bam & Mixin' Mark Mix)

Pink - So What (Tony Arzadon Mix) 

Danity Kane - Damaged (Mike Rizzo Global Mix) 

Jennifer Hudson - Spotlight (Moto Blanco Mix) 

Natasha Bedingfield - Pocketful of Sunshine (Stonebridge Mix) 

Paula Abdul - Dance Like There's No Tomorrow (Paul Oakenfold Mix) 

Celine Dion - Taking Chances (I-Soul Mix) 

Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (Jason Nevins Mix) 

Lindsay Lohan - Bossy (Soulshaker Mix) 

Chris Brown - Forever (Cahill Mix) 

Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up (Dave Aude Mix) 

The Ting Tings - Shut Up and Let Me Go (Chris Lake Mix) 

Britney Spears - Piece of Me (Vasquez & Vicious Mix) 

Natasha Bedingfield - Love Like This (Johnny Vicious Mix) 

Miley Cyrus - See You Again (Wideboys Mix) 

Download/Listen to it HERE!!!

That's it. For reals. 

Have a great night.

See you in '09!!!

--- Aj