Idol Wrapup (not so rojo)

Well, it's Wednesday.

Which means c'est temps for an Idol wrapup.

I can promise you one thing and one thing only: last night's Idol was far from rojo caliente. In fact, if burgeoning reggaeton superstar Meagan Taylor was to pen a poignant dance hall hit and follow up to her masterpiece "Rojo Caliente" about last night's Idol, it would no doubt be called "Hiele El Frío". Or no... that sounds too exciting and extreme... It would be called "Luke Calenta". That's the one.

Yeah... it sucked... the theme was inspirational songs... bah... allow me to wretch in my mouth right here and now...

Michael Johns, who clearly thinks that cravat is working for him, takes the stage first with Aerosmith's "Dream On". Many of you will likely know the song as the sample used in Eminem's "Sing For The Moment", I believe. The song - as it was originally recorded in 1973 - sounds NOTHING like Steven Tyler is singing it... you could easily mistake him with Freddie Mercury. I guess he lived very, VERY hard for four years, because by the time their next big releases, "Sweet Emotion" and "Walk This Way", hit - bitch sounded COMPLETELY different. But I happily digress: Michael does a perfectly fine job of it. It's a great song, but I don't think there's anyone living or dead who could ever make that falsetto part sound sincere or necessary. Anyway - his performance is classic "Okay, that was good, but we're totally gonna hear better tonight"... which, of course, we don't... so Michael actually ends up being one of the best of the night...

Syesha needs a swift kick in the box. Was last week not warning enough? STOP TAKING ON DIVAS WHO DWARF YOU. Just because you can do something tolerably, doesn't mean you should. Last week, Syesha established that she's not Whitney. This week, she established that she's not Fantasia. Seriously, the most that Syesha could be, and this is on a good day, is Dawn Robinson from En Vogue. For real - I found it brash and downright insulting that she dared take on Fantasia's victory-lap single "I Believe"... THEN the bitch had the absolute gall to sassily question Randy comparing her to Fanny during her judgement... Mmmkay... I don't know if you remember Fantasia singing this, but I do. I can distinctly remember vaulting up out of m'seat during it, it was so jubilant and moving...

Yeah. Your eyes did not deceive you - rainbows were, in fact, shooting out of her asshole. NUTS! Anyway... if Fantasia and Syesha were Philadelphia cream cheeses, Fanny would be the thick bricks of the shit you buy to make cheesecake and nacho dips out of, and Syesha would be the Ultra Light shit with cracks in it that anorexic girls spread on Melba toast. That's all.

Anytime, anyplace Jason Castro wants a moustache ride from me, it's his. I love this man. His selection of the Israel Kamakawiwoʻole version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" was inspired, truly. I'll tell you squarely what I appreciate about Jason, specifically last night - he doesn't fucking mug for the cameras like an overly self-aware asshole, in fact last night he didn't even look at the camera. I find that so refreshing and honest. Anyway - I thought it was probably one of his best since the stirring "Hallelujah" of 80's week. I'm really, reeeeally rooting for this guy. Any critic who thinks he's mediocre or the hipster's pick is out of their fucking mind...

Kristy Lee Cook, much like boisterous queers marching in a pride parade circa-the mid 90's, is "here, get used to it!" Did that make sense? I tried, I did. Whatever. Kristy Lee continues to bless us with her signature blend of patriot porn with a Martina McBride number about believing in yourself and following in your dreams. Grading it on the Kristy Lee curve, it's A+!!! Gold star!!! First pick at the toys - oh! She calls the Flintstone Phone!!!... however, judging it against the rest of the Idols, it only sucks rhinoceros balls slightly less than she usually does. Meh. She'll be safe... On the plus side, we'll get to see her absolutely decimate a Mariah Carey song next week...

Annnnd the cracks are beginning to show in David Cook. Looks like everything he touches doesn't turn to gold. Singing Our Lady Peace's "Innocent", he spends much more time in his lower register than he should and is completely overwhelmed by the abnormally huge backing singers. Also, David - Financial Guru/Rug Bumper Suze Orman called, and she wants her jacket back... actually... she'd also like her hair back... and face... hmmm... well this is all very startling, isn't it...

Carly, Carly, Carly Smithson. I can only put up with so much until I lose the faith. Make no mistake about it - I am totally one of Carly's angels... but her performance of Queen's "The Show Must Go On" was tentative, abbreviated and angry. Not so inspirational. Her normally soaring and directed vocals seemed forced and aimless and the whole thing was kind of a disaster... not to mention that Paris Bennett easily outdid her with the same song back in Season 5... I was crossing m'fingers to the point of cutting off circulation that she would sing Heather Smalls' "Proud" - fuck, that SOMEONE would sing it... even Kristy Lee... - but no dice. I think Carly should be VERY worried.

One little precocious, cherubic bastard that need not be worried is the perpetually dandy David Archuleta. Singing Robbie Williams' "Angel", he continued serving up exactly what people want from him... I totally agree with Simon in this case... I have no clue as to why this song wasn't a huge hit in North America... or why ANY Robbie Williams song isn't a huge hit, because people, the man's amazing. I fucking love his music. "Rock DJ"... "Millenium"... "Let Me Entertain You"... "Lovelight" - all gold. But didn't Jessica Simpson actually cover this song and have a modicum of success with it during her heyday? Well, whatever the case may be, Archuleta knocked it out of the park and there's really nothing else to say about it.

Closing the show tonight is human-sad puppy hybrid Brooke White singing Carole King's "You Got A Friend". Holy shit, can you be more obvious? Brooke sang that with all the heart-bursting desperation of Sophie in "Sophie's Choice" when having to make the choice... In other news, I finally put my finger on who Brooke sounds like - a considerably less vocally talented Theresa Sokyrka, whom you may remember as the runner-up to Kalan Porter on Canadian Idol, Season 2... No matter... anyway... yeah... Brooke does fine... I was expecting the judge's to gush over it seeing as the bitch was on the brink of tears throughout the song and in the bottom three last week, but to my delight, they were just "meh".

Going...

This is a no-brainer. All the guys are safe, and I predict will be safe for a few weeks to come. I think it's pretty safe to say that it's a boys' competition right now - there's not a female left who stands a prayer in hell... unless you count Jason Castro, which, you very well may... the only gal I think gave herself a pass this week is Brooke on account of her going last, not doing terribly and making her first visit to the Bottom 3 last week thereby rallying her fan base.

Bottom 3 will be: Kristy Lee, Carly and Syesha. Kristy Lee will be safe because A.) she fucking always is and B.) she sufficiently pandered to her base, and she's the only one who does pander to that base, which is huge.

That means Carly and Syesha - strangely enough, the competition's strongest voices - will be left battling it out for the night's 7th place finish... it just depends on what's more unforgivable to the American public... Carly falling short of the bar she's set or Syesha's post-interview abrasiveness... I'm hesitant to call it, but I'm absolutely willing that Syesha's sent packing...

We'll see.

Another thing we'll see? IN JUST UNDER A MOTHERFUCKING WEEK!!!!!

Holllllly shit... it'll be better than a thousand Meagan Taylor's, let me tell ya...

Still rojo,

--- Aj

Rojobsessed, Day 2

So...

It's official...

I am full-tilt obsessed with Rojo Caliente.

Last night I must have spent a solid two hours googling her and watching shit online.

At work - where I do most of m'blogging - I don't have speakers and the flash player is fucked up, so I can't watch anything, which is a damned, damned shame as there are countless episodes of Jem & The Holograms online and begging to be revisited. Point of this is, I couldn't take in all the supporting Rojo media that was available.

But I FINALLY watched that very tongue-in-cheek interview that QTV did with her yesterday --- and believe you me, I clapped like a seal when it showed them doing the "Rojo Caliente" dance-move (it's really nothing as intricate nor iconic as, say, the twist. It's just aimless jostling of one's torso..) in my old stomping grounds - the campus coffee hutch, COMMON GROUND! HEEEY! --- and just fucking love how seriously she takes everything.

She was down in Panama where her father oft goes for business, and "was approached by a local recording studio" who "liked what [she] had to offer" and "cut 9 tracks" for her first album, entitled simply, Meagan.

She also maintains that her secret to avoiding the threats of alcoholism and paparazzi that have befallen other celebrities like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan who are squarely on Meagan's level as well is due to the fact that she doesn't drink. Ever. Like for real guys, ask her friends.

So it looks like the kids at Queen's are taking every opportunity to exploit this bitch's complete unknowingness that she's a more epic tragedy than Hamlet, further evidenced by this little gem... it's a segment done at what appears to be some sort of singing contest entitled "Best Darn Singer" which she was a judge... forward to 3:10 to see Rojo...

Okay... did y'catch that interview? "The question on everyone's mind - when are we going to be able to see you perform".

Because of "strict contractual agreements", she's not allowed to perform in public anywhere. I lost m'lunch at that part. That, of course, is very easily-deciphered code for "I suck shark balls and desperately need an excuse to not have that fact revealed". Holy fuck. WHY WAS THIS GIRL NOT THERE WHEN I WENT TO QUEEN'S?!?!?!

Sidebar pertaining to that clip #1: Back in my day, we had a similar contest entitled "Campus Idol" which I hosted. The winner turned out to be none-other-than Canadian Idol Season 2 finalist, Elena Juatco, and the runner-up, none-other-than front-woman Joan Smith of Little Foot, Long Foot fame. My 'fee' for hosting was an all-I-could-drink bar. When they won, Elena received a DVD Player (an expensive get, back in 2004) and Joan received an MP3 player (another exotic, high-tech gadget at the time), and I was all "WTF?!". It was then brought to my attention that over the four week run of it, I probably downed m'self close to $500 in booze. Those were the days.

Sidebar pertaining to that clip #2: You'll notice that among Rojo's fellow judges, second from the right, is a woman with a grey bob. Her name is Carol Lynn Reifel, she's the head of the vocal performance department in the faculty of music, and she's a colossal bitch.

I took a vocal performance class for 3 years and each year, the final exam took the form of a private recital you needed to perform for the instructors in the vocal performance department. This private recital - or jury, as it was called - went thusly: You needed to have 5 pieces of 4 languages prepared. You were allowed to pick your first - and presumably, strongest - piece, and they would select the other two. So it was the fucking crapshoot to end all crapshoots... It was just fucking Russian roulette because there would ALWAYS be that one obscure French or German piece that you barely if not at all knew and they'd ALWAYS pick that instead of the Italian piece that you sort-of knew.

I don't speak any other language than English (and, rudimentary, Ebonics), so I'd learn all the pieces phonetically by listening to my voice teacher sing them and just copy each phrase. This particular year I had a French piece that was just a disaster. JUST a disaster. I didn't fucking know it at all and lo and behold, what do they choose for my second piece, but yes - this fucking French song.

So I'm up there, like a fucking asshole, just making up words... I didn't even fucking know the melody - in my defence it was kind of abstract and beyond my limited theoretic capabilities... but in my offence, I'M AN ASSHOLE WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING - anyway... I was just standing there, rolling my eyes and saying shit like "Je veux, von qui son... raquette... parapluie... oui... je sans..."

It. Was. A. Disaster. You can imagine how displeased the frosty Professor Reifel was. It makes my seaman curdle just thinking of it.

That was quite a tanget.

Sidebar NOT pertaining to the above clip: Rojo has a website. And WHAT a website! It's got more hip-hop skank-esque glamour shots of her than you could shake a stick at, and believe you me, shakin' a stick at it would likely be your last reaction. One good thing that came out of her bevy of hi-res glamour shots: I finally know who she looks like... Marcia Wallace. Some may know her as the saucy Carol Kester Bondurant from The Bob Newhart Show... some may know her as nosey community watch organizer Mrs. Carruthers from Full House... most people likely know her as the voice of Mrs. Edna Krabappel from The Simpsons...

Like mother and daughter. Holy balls.

In other news:

ONE. WEEK. AWAY.

With JUST-confirmed special guest... fresh on the heels of the 10th anniversary of her smash-hit theatrical phenomenon The Vagina Monologues, EVE ENSLER!

I'll bet she talks about her vagina. Just a guess.

That'll be it for today...

So rojo it hurts,

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Bitches Hated/That Rojo Caliente Blog

Okay, okay, 0kay...

Too much excitement today.

Entirely too much excitement - how excited and full of zeal am I? Almost if not as much as Sue, the woman who really loves surprise parties:

Holy fuck how fucking hilarious was that? I watched it drunk out ma skull when I got in from Primpin' (*sigh*... I know) Saturday night and lay upon m'couch a'heaving and a'crying for the duration of the sktech - a sight unseen since the great Debbie Downer debacle of '04.

Best line?

Walken: "Should I get balloons?-"
Sue: "-YYYEEESSSSSSSS!"

Anyballs - why o why am I so excited today? Because I have two absolutely dyn-o-mite bitches occupying Bitch I Loved and Hated this week...

They're both far more similar than they are different; they both suffer, to my utter glee, from "The Emperor's New Clothes" syndrome... in that they just have noooo clue... noooooo clue whatsofuckingever...

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

CATHIE JUNG


Who: [The long and short of it] Septuagenarian corset-enthusiast who, at 15 inches, holds the Guinness World Record for the smallest waist.
Why I Loved Her: So many reasons... A.) Talk about discipline: She's spent the last nigh-on 50 years squeezing her hot ass into corsets until her rib cage finally retreated and caved in to her outlandish small-waisted demands, B.) She's unbelievably vain and completely unaware of how fucking grotesque she is, a fact handsomely evidenced by the countless galleries on her website (warning: sexiness overdrive therein)... but mainly C.) she's given me oh-so-much ammunition for my photoshopping... no one's safe... particularly, Anthony Suppa... who's face just glides onto Cathie's with the greatest of ease...

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

MEAGAN TAYLOR

Who: Oh Jesus. First-year student at Queen's University (my alma matter... and I can tell ya right now, I've never been more proud to have attended Queen's than presently) who - according to legend - received a million dollars for her bat mitzvah, took the money, recorded a hopelessly terrible Reggaeton single entitled "Rojo Caliente" (loosely translated: 'red hot') and an accompanying music video which was equally hopeless and terrible, which features Reggaeton 'legend' Toby King (who, it seems, must have been working for a handful of plantains and a bar of soap, because I have to imagine bitch was pretty hard up to take part in this shit)... seen below:

Why I Hated Her This Week: Oh wow. Okay. As soon as I found out that she was a student at Queen's, it all became crystalline clear... I can't tell you how many bitches I went to school with looked EXACTLY like her. And they were all art history majors who received hundreds of thousands of dollars for their bat mitzvahs. Only thing is, none of them were fucking retarded enough to spend it on making a fucking music video! HOLY FUCK?! THIS IS NUTS!

Anyway... I'm kind of obsessed with this bitch... sorry Kristy Lee Cook, you've just taken a back seat as far as my obsession with utterly tragic bitches-du jour go...

Further research has relayed that apparently the song is kind of a hit in Panama City - the birthplace of Reggaeton - being played up to and including (but not limited to) 10 times a day on all 6 major radio stations in Panama.

Although there's no official CD released nor have any profits been made (*YET*), her manager/father Doug Taylor says that they've made some money off of endorsements... specifically: Delida's Hot Sauce, a sauce featured prominently throughout the video.

Meagan insists that there's a very simple reason that Delida's beat out larger companies like Tabasco (that was no doubt champing at the bit to be a part of the sensation that is Meagan Taylor) because, and I quote, "I love hot sauce, and Delidas is one of the best I've tasted".

According to an interview with Queen's student-run television program QTV (which is now youtube-broadcasted... back in the bad old days when yours truly was there, it was designated to the Sunday, 10 PM slot on the Kingston public access channel... times, they are a'changin'...) she insists that Rojo Caliente is a feminist anthem against conformity a-la Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" or mayhaps, Patti Smith's "People Have The Power"...

"I wrote the song about my red hair which is what rojo caliente...red hot....I
never used to like having red hair. I felt different and like I always wanted
brown hair or blonde hair or something. For me it was a celebration of my red
hair and to me that's important. It's a celebration of differences."

Am I missing something? Is this actually a ginger-haired anthem? Because I'm hearing lyrics like "Up in the club in da VIP, that's rojo caliente". Methinks she overestimates the depth of her song-writing prowess. Fuck, methinks that's the least of her gross, gross delusions.

Anyway... I'm fucking obsessed with Meagan Taylor and that's all there is to it. Like, if she was at Queen's when I was, I'd stalk her. She must be just the toast of the town in Kingston right now. The sad part is that the powers that be at Queen's are probably ELATED to no ends with the publicity that this is garnering them - they totally haven't seen the video or know what the fuck is going on, but they're probably like "we have a rap musical star in attendance at Queen's! Jolly good!".

Bah... anyway...

What else is rojo caliente???

JUST OVER A WEEK AWAY!!!

Rojo,

--- Aj

Friday Is A Day For Lovers.

D'afternoon to you and yours.

It's a lovely, drizzly afternoon here in the T Dot. Very London-esque, actually.

Sorry for not posting yesterday. Yestermorning, I shot my first (and in all likelihood, only) episode of Stars Gone Wild. It was pretty tough work and I was beyond exhausted. For realsies, I felt like I had just shot a season of Survivor or something...

SIDEBAR: My boss is currently having a meeting right behind me and the following quote just emerged from the conversation: "You're servicing me very well by being anal"... ... ... yes.

Anyballs... what's transpired since last we spoke? Hmmm... well, Ramiele was sent back her family sushi joint Wednesday night on Idol.

I've got to be honest... something terrifying's happening to me... I'm starting to become obsessed with Kristy Lee Cook. It happened last year with Haley Scarnato. And every previous season for the chick who, despite being the portrait of sucktastic, continues to slink along in the competition within an inch of her life... so yeah... I have that deal with...

Also to deal with - and I can't believe it took me all week to remember this - VOTING! For the Bitches YOU Loved and YOU Hated for the merry month of March!!!

First, a refresher course of the bitches I loved in March...


Propecia Watkins*: Domestic Abuse absolver/dawg walker
Danny Noriega: Almost-Idol/Fierce Tranny Mess
Silda Spitzer: Podium candy/Woman who took Tammy Wynette's hit song "Stand By Your Man" entirely too literally...
Carole Pope: Rough trader/Dykon to end all Dykons
Anita Page: Screen Legend/Hottest Nonagenarian Alive

Click HERE to vote for the Bitch YOU Loved In March who'll go on to join Carol Channing, Tina Fey and 9-as yet unnamed others to compete for Bitch Loved in 2008!

*Yeah... I don't actually know her name. So I gave her one that sounded ghetto and sassy. At first I wanted to use the name Sheniqua Tomkins... until it was brought to my attention that it's ACTUALLY someones name... specifically: 50 Cent's estranged wife. So I went with Propecia Watkins instead.

And a refresher course in the bitches I hated in March... and my oh my it's quite a batch this month...

Lauren Cleri: Aspiring Actress/Broke Slut
Lisa Rinna: Under-researched red carpet reporter/Anus face
Sally Kern: Oklahoma State Rep/Homosexual denier
Ashley Alexandra Dupre: Aspiring Singer/Debatably high-class whore
Russell Oliver: Amateur commercial superstar/Gold monger

Shoot. Looks like we might have a 5-way tie this month. Fuck. Go HERE to vote for the bitch YOU hated in March. The winner will go head to head to head with Tom Cruise, Chola CuchiMuncho and 9-as yet unnamed bitches for the Bitch Hated in 2008.

In other news:

Apparently Beyonce and Jigga-man are finally tying the knot today. From everyone here at my blog (so, me), we wish them the absolute best.

In other, other news:

A LITTLE OVER A WEEK AWAY!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Have a great weekend!

--- Aj

I Beg Your Parton...

See that? See how I did that?

So what the fuck is up?

I had a gruellingly long night last night doing stand up - first at Dawn 'n Deborah's startlingly early "Dragons of Comedy" then at Deb Pearce's room at Alibi... The majority of which was spent speaking about TV Shows that I'm currently watching.

Of note: Apparently, I only watch shows that have either "America" or "American" in the title, because that's all I cared to talk about... American Gladiators (specifically: HeLLga), America's Next Top Model, and of course, American Idol.

I didn't really have anything 'bits' about American Idol so much as I just basically asked people who their favourite was, and unless it was Carly or Jason Castro, called them a retard.

I ACTUALLY drew jeers when I badmouthed David Archuleta. People love that kid. When I exited, the particularly 'with it' sound dude at Alibi played me offstage to David Archuleta singing "The Long And Winding Road" from Beatles Week, Pt. 2. It was very clever. Anyballs...

Idol Last Night

General note: Dolly Parton is A.) Awesome, B.) Amazing and C.) Adorable.

Brooke White is so middling it makes my head spin. "Jolene" is one of the most awesome songs in the world. About a woman begging another [unfortunately named] woman not to steal her man "just because she can" - pretty melancholic fare. Brooke warbled her way through it grinning like an asshole then put on her infallible puppy-dog-eyes-act during the judges' critique. Someone recently called her the next Jewel. I'd argue she's more akin to Ashlee Simpson insofar as musicality and vocal dearth, but that's just me, I guess.

David Cook, who was apparently rushed to the hospital immediately following his performance suffering from a heart murmur or some shit that I couldn't care less about, did his first non-cover of a cover in weeks with "Little Sparrow". Meh. It's nothing that I found overly memorable. At least he's sticking to his niche, I'll give him that. On the flip side, he's sticking to his niche. Which I find completely boring. I'm sorry - I just don't read endurable charisma from him. I read 'perfectly serviceable performer' and 'dude who occupies this particular concept this particular season' from him, but I can't imagine he'd fare a fifth as well as a Carrie Underwood if he won...

What do the war in Iraq, Priscilla Presley's face and Ramiele Mulabuy all have in common? They're all hopelessly, hopelessly lost causes without a hope of improvement. There's nothing more painful on Idol than seeing someone who's actually getting worse. That's Ramiele, unfortunately. More unfortunately is that apparently she's got legions of fans who vote for her with maniacal conviction and has never - NOT A'ONCE - been in the bottom 3. So who the fuck knows what's what anymore...

Jason Castro. LOVED IT. He sang "Travellin' Thru" - the Oscar nom'd theme song from Oscar-nom'd she-male-fest, "Transamerica". I thought it was gorgeous, and not just because I think the same of Jason (even though I'll be first to admit that I wouldn't have the faintest clue as to what to do with them dreadlocks if they wuz flung all up in m'business... I digress). I thought he did a remarkable job and it was an incredibly honest and hopeful performance. Like, I really got that he understood the plight of the tranny that he was singin' about and communicated that beautifully in the minute and a half that he had.

Carly Smithson continued to work the shit out last night. The "Here You Come Again" that I know is a boppy, goofy, if-wistful song a-la BJ Thomas' "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" but Carly transformed it into a poignant ballad with quite the money note. I'm going to have to heartily agree with Simon however: whomever is styling her needs to be done away with. We get it. You have tats. That's part of who you are. That's wonderful. And I'm sure seemed like a good idea at the time (and by that I mean every second of all 72 accumulative hours that you sat in a chair and had your arm pierced with an inked needle). The problem is that you're a Celine-esque belter, and you should probably make a bit of an effort to correlate an image to that concept. Honestly, that IS what will hurt her in the long run if she doesn't make some changes. Other than that - fuckingawesome.

David Archuleta continues to give the people what he wants. Another thing he's giving? Melinda Doolittle a run for her money in "annoyingly excessive amount of modesty" department. How the fuck sick am I of seeing him get so flustered and overwhelmed whene'er he receives positive comments? Anyballs...

Kristy Lee Cook is, I imagine, still proud to be an American, where at least she knows she's free. She probably should have reminded people of that fact, because performing ultimate homeless-kid-viewing-the-glass-as-half-full anthem, "Coat of Many Colours", was so boring it wasn't even bad. And what the cock was up with her dress of many colours? It certainly was a dress of many colours... namely brown, tan, mud, fudge, taupe and any other lush fecal tone you could imagine because the whole thing was just one pig pile of poo. Poo!

Syesha might have delivered a perfectly bopho performance, if she was actually likable. Instead, it just came off as a very unambitious, familiar and arrogant choice. DO stop choosing Whitney. It's well established by this point that no one can do Whitney - present day-Whitney herself wouldn't stand a chance at doing Whitney. Instead of actually taking a risk, she does the most predictable thing in the world. If she winds up in the bottom 3 - which she probably will - it's her own damned fault.

Michael Johns closed, therefore he'll be here another week.

I suppose that's all I have to say about him. OH! And, nice cravat.

Going...

I'm going to call the bottom three being Kristy-Lee, Syesha and either Ramiele or Brooke. Not both. I think the historically proven "black vote" will hop on to Syesha and save her for another week, and if either Brooke or Ramiele's fans haven't been underwhelmed enough thus far to not vote for them, I can't see them letting up now. Sooo... Methinks Kristy-Lee just might finally bite the proverbial dust.

Weeeeee'llllll seeeee...

Oh, and... obligatory plug...

Yes.

--- Aj

April Fools Gold

Glah.

My boss is currently playing Bruce Hornsby and The Range. Don't know who they are? Go HERE. That's the song "The Way It Is". His/their 'hit'.

This effin' album seems to all sound like that. It's a lot of piano-driven adult contemporary garbage and it's driving me mad. I've got to be honest - I really don't find listening to Bruce Hornsby and The Range conducive to a productive work environment. Perhaps if I was drinking a Zima, or tackling a Rubix Cube or reading a Danielle Steele novel or something that someone would have been doing in 1986 when they were fucking popular!

Apparently my boss has seen him/them live. Who the fuck would not only buy a fucking ticket to see Bruce Hornsby and The Range live LET ALONE actually seek out knowledge that they're coming to a venue near you?! I JUST DON'T GET IT!

Wow.

That was a rather large portion of today's blog devoted to Bruce Hornsby and The Range. So much, that I'm actually going to tag it. So that when people google blogs or whatever it is y'do, and you put in "Bruce Hornsby and The Range", this will come up.

ENOUGH!

So it's the first day of April. Which makes it April Fools! Whenever I hear April Fools, the first image that springs to my mind is of a prudish secretary being given what she thinks is a tin of candies that is instead -SURPRISE!- a tin with a coiled-up snake that springs out. She shrieks, and her co-worker - likely some bachelor bon vivant with a fervor for life - shouts "April Fools!" and while flustered and startled at first, she eventually finds it humorous. She then goes home and masturbates all night until her pussy is beyond raw.

What am I even talking about? No no no... so none of that happened to me today. No tin full of snakes springing out of me. I thought about getting on the streetcar today without paying and saying "April Fools!" and then laughing patronizingly and sitting down, and when the streetcar driver was all "seriously though, pay", I'd be like "IT'S APRIL FOOLS ASSHOLE!" and kick him/her in the balls/ladyballs and make a dash for it. But then I'd be a fellon. And that's not so whimsical.

One thing I thought was an April Fool was this story I read about - and get a load of this - a fucking turtle in China that smokes half a pack a day of cigarettes.


Yes.

A Turtle.

In China.

That Smokes Cigarettes.

Half a pack a DAY.

That's more than I smoked at my heaviest.

And I'm a human.

Apparently this turtle picked up the filthy habit by sucking on the discarded butts that its owner through in the garden. Which begs the question - who lets their turtle roam free range in their fucking backyard? Chinese people, apparently. Wacky.

Then he noticed that whenever he lit up, the turtle would poke its head out and start flailing around in the tub. Then one day he put a cigarette in its mouth, lit it, and the motherfucker sucked it back in FOUR MINUTES.

Animal rights officials are hard-pressed. Although they can't intervene if the turtle smokes voluntarily, but they , and I quote: "want him to stop making it public.”

Holy fuck. Amazing.

In other news: DOLLY PARTON ON IDOL TONIGHT!!!

Here's the rumored song list and running order:

David Cook: "You Know I Love You"
Kristy Lee Cook: "Two Doors Down"
Michael Johns: "Islands in the Stream"
Carly Smithson: "Jolene"
David Archuleta: "Travelin Thru"
Ramiele Malubay: "9 to 5 "
Brooke White: "Coat of Many Colors"
Syesha Mercado: "Eagle When She Flies"
Jason Castro: "I Will Always Love You"

I wonder if David Cook was able to find some rare Panic At The Disco cover of a Dolly Parton song, because I don't know how the fuck else he'll do anything. Carly Smithson will continue to be my hero if she actually busts out "Jolene". I love that song. David Archuleta is singing the hot tranny anthem from "Transamerica" - Danny Noriega is shedding a tear. Ramiele is poised to actually perform a song that hasn't been done on Idol, which is miraculous. Jason Castro is poised to give me a devastatingly lengthy boner with "IWALY". Hmmm.

In other, other news:

TWO FUCKING WEEKS TODAY!!!

Isn't that fucking pretty? I can't stop looking at it.

Happy April Fools,

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Bitches Hated

Monday Monday Monday...

Hi there. Welcome back. How was your weekend? Mine was... well... a weekend.

It was pretty uneventful, actually. Friday night I went out to celebrate the birthday of the one, the only Andrea Caswell (depicted below as lovable loser Kathy) ---


--- and I got uproariously drunk, for some reason. And then proceeded to stay up until close to 6 AM doing absolutely nothing. Do you ever find yourself up in the wee hours of the morning asking yourself "what the fuck am I doing right now?! Where the fuck did the past four hours go and what occupied them?! I know something did... but can't, for the life of me, pinpoint what that is"... yeah... it was like that...

So I just stayed in most of Saturday being the sizzlingliest hot tranny mess that I could be.

Saturday night saw us 'try something new'. Read: go to a gay bar that's not Buddies. So we ventured to the first time to a joint called El Convento Rico. Apparently it started out as this renowned safe-haven for Latin members of the gay community, and boasts quite an arsenal of Latin drag queens, many of whom have autographed portraits hanging on the wall a-la Sardi's.

We arrived at around 12:30 in the midst of something... I gathered it was a drag show, but couldn't really see anything until we found a suitable point of view... once we found one, I saw what could have been either a particularly ornately attired woman or a typical tranny lip-syncing along to the Spanglish version of Kat Deluna's "Whine Up".

Intermittently, zaftig party girls who were part of a bridal shower would come up and drop it like it was hot, regardless of whether it was hot or not.

Okay, this seems like a drag show. Huzzah's all around.

Then, once that particular drag queen was done, some sprightly Gino dude came up, danced around and lip-synced to Ricky Martin's "Maria". Ummm... okay... so this isn't so much a drag show as much as it is a good old-fashioned AIR BAND CONTEST... hmmm...

Anyway - it was like waltzing into another mothafuckin' world, let me tell ya. One I have little desire to revisit...

In other news that's entirely questionable as to whether or not you'll care about:

Ask anyone who knows me to describe my behavior in general on a Sunday, and they'll say "feline". In that all that I ever do on Sundays is eat and sleep - I truly am the picture of languid.

It's also the only day of the week that I'll watch whatever the fuck is on TV... like whatever the fuck is on TV... like the other week, I actually watched Heartbreakers starring Susan "Sigourney" Weaver and Jennifer Loathe Hewitt... yeah... I really fucking watch anything...

Last Sunday happened to mark what would have been the 100th birthday of screen Goddess Joan Crawford.

Joan Crawford, of course, is Old Hollywood royalty. Having appeared in more than 400 films (or whatever), she started out as a good-old-fashioned hoofer in the chorus line under her birth name, Lucille LeSeur.

Some years later, she was hired as a contract player at MGM Studios, playing bit parts in the silent films of the era. When the talkies arrived - AND BOY, DID THEY EVER! - MGM honcho Louis B. Mayer insisted that she change her name, as he felt LeSeur sounded too much like Sewer. A contest was held to find a new name for the starlet - which kind of seems weird, huh? Like, she was already sort-of established... it'd be like Dreamworks currently having a contest to rename Amy Adams or something... - and the first choice was "Joan Arden". To the chagrin of everyone in the world with the exception of plump Canadian chanteuse Jann Arden, that name was already taken at the time. So plan B was taken instead: Joan Crawford.

I've always kind of been obsessed with Joan Crawford. I remember it randomly started in second year University... I just love the bitches' face more than I can possibly say.

I collected all these pictures of her online and actually had one on my desktop, insisting that she looked like me - a fact that, with the right photoshopped makeup applied, is still stunningly true.

Anyway - imagine my delight when flipping channels discovered that Turner Classic Movie Channel was airing a special entitled "Joan Crawford: The Ultimate Movie Star", which, to my greater delight, is all on the y'tube:

It links to the other 10 parts and it's all just entirely fascinating. It features interviews with countless co-stars, former directors, former paramours, biographers and most notably, her adopted daughter Christina whom she put through years of abuse that were documented in a memoir-turned-film, "Mommie Dearest".

Anyballs...

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

ANITA PAGE

Who: I know it would have been the sort of obvious choice for me to put Joan Crawford, but she's just so far above being ranked by the lowly likes of the blogosphere, that I refuse! Anita Page, if you watched that clip, is that cranky old broad dressed to the nines who recalls working with Crawford on several pictures. Further research discloses that she's one of the last (I think, of three) stars who worked in silent films still alive and even more ass-rockingly of note is that she's the ONLY PERSON STILL ALIVE who was at the first Academy Awards.
Why I Loved Her: Anita Page doesn't fuck around. She's older than water but that's not gonna stop her from putting on her Sunday best and talkin' shit about people she's outlived. LOVE IT.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

RUSSELL OLIVER

Who: Self-proclaimed "Cash Man", anyone in the Toronto area can tell you that this man rules the airwaves as far as local advertising time goes. He runs Oliver Jewellery, a shop that purportedly buys used jewellery for big bucks. Apparently - that's bullshit. He offers meagre amounts and then tells people to get out of his face. His amateur-ish commercials run round the clock and make absolutely no sense.
Why I Hated Him: He's basically Scrooge McDuck in human form and just so ridiculous he makes me want to vomit. I mainly hate him because that Euro-dance video he made with backup dancers get stuck in my head quite often, though.

Bah...

I've gotta split...

But before I do...

Let the aggressive inundation begin...

YAY!!!

In just over two weeks!!! This one is going to be GOOD.

Until tomorrow,

--- Aj