I Beg Your Parton...

See that? See how I did that?

So what the fuck is up?

I had a gruellingly long night last night doing stand up - first at Dawn 'n Deborah's startlingly early "Dragons of Comedy" then at Deb Pearce's room at Alibi... The majority of which was spent speaking about TV Shows that I'm currently watching.

Of note: Apparently, I only watch shows that have either "America" or "American" in the title, because that's all I cared to talk about... American Gladiators (specifically: HeLLga), America's Next Top Model, and of course, American Idol.

I didn't really have anything 'bits' about American Idol so much as I just basically asked people who their favourite was, and unless it was Carly or Jason Castro, called them a retard.

I ACTUALLY drew jeers when I badmouthed David Archuleta. People love that kid. When I exited, the particularly 'with it' sound dude at Alibi played me offstage to David Archuleta singing "The Long And Winding Road" from Beatles Week, Pt. 2. It was very clever. Anyballs...

Idol Last Night

General note: Dolly Parton is A.) Awesome, B.) Amazing and C.) Adorable.

Brooke White is so middling it makes my head spin. "Jolene" is one of the most awesome songs in the world. About a woman begging another [unfortunately named] woman not to steal her man "just because she can" - pretty melancholic fare. Brooke warbled her way through it grinning like an asshole then put on her infallible puppy-dog-eyes-act during the judges' critique. Someone recently called her the next Jewel. I'd argue she's more akin to Ashlee Simpson insofar as musicality and vocal dearth, but that's just me, I guess.

David Cook, who was apparently rushed to the hospital immediately following his performance suffering from a heart murmur or some shit that I couldn't care less about, did his first non-cover of a cover in weeks with "Little Sparrow". Meh. It's nothing that I found overly memorable. At least he's sticking to his niche, I'll give him that. On the flip side, he's sticking to his niche. Which I find completely boring. I'm sorry - I just don't read endurable charisma from him. I read 'perfectly serviceable performer' and 'dude who occupies this particular concept this particular season' from him, but I can't imagine he'd fare a fifth as well as a Carrie Underwood if he won...

What do the war in Iraq, Priscilla Presley's face and Ramiele Mulabuy all have in common? They're all hopelessly, hopelessly lost causes without a hope of improvement. There's nothing more painful on Idol than seeing someone who's actually getting worse. That's Ramiele, unfortunately. More unfortunately is that apparently she's got legions of fans who vote for her with maniacal conviction and has never - NOT A'ONCE - been in the bottom 3. So who the fuck knows what's what anymore...

Jason Castro. LOVED IT. He sang "Travellin' Thru" - the Oscar nom'd theme song from Oscar-nom'd she-male-fest, "Transamerica". I thought it was gorgeous, and not just because I think the same of Jason (even though I'll be first to admit that I wouldn't have the faintest clue as to what to do with them dreadlocks if they wuz flung all up in m'business... I digress). I thought he did a remarkable job and it was an incredibly honest and hopeful performance. Like, I really got that he understood the plight of the tranny that he was singin' about and communicated that beautifully in the minute and a half that he had.

Carly Smithson continued to work the shit out last night. The "Here You Come Again" that I know is a boppy, goofy, if-wistful song a-la BJ Thomas' "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" but Carly transformed it into a poignant ballad with quite the money note. I'm going to have to heartily agree with Simon however: whomever is styling her needs to be done away with. We get it. You have tats. That's part of who you are. That's wonderful. And I'm sure seemed like a good idea at the time (and by that I mean every second of all 72 accumulative hours that you sat in a chair and had your arm pierced with an inked needle). The problem is that you're a Celine-esque belter, and you should probably make a bit of an effort to correlate an image to that concept. Honestly, that IS what will hurt her in the long run if she doesn't make some changes. Other than that - fuckingawesome.

David Archuleta continues to give the people what he wants. Another thing he's giving? Melinda Doolittle a run for her money in "annoyingly excessive amount of modesty" department. How the fuck sick am I of seeing him get so flustered and overwhelmed whene'er he receives positive comments? Anyballs...

Kristy Lee Cook is, I imagine, still proud to be an American, where at least she knows she's free. She probably should have reminded people of that fact, because performing ultimate homeless-kid-viewing-the-glass-as-half-full anthem, "Coat of Many Colours", was so boring it wasn't even bad. And what the cock was up with her dress of many colours? It certainly was a dress of many colours... namely brown, tan, mud, fudge, taupe and any other lush fecal tone you could imagine because the whole thing was just one pig pile of poo. Poo!

Syesha might have delivered a perfectly bopho performance, if she was actually likable. Instead, it just came off as a very unambitious, familiar and arrogant choice. DO stop choosing Whitney. It's well established by this point that no one can do Whitney - present day-Whitney herself wouldn't stand a chance at doing Whitney. Instead of actually taking a risk, she does the most predictable thing in the world. If she winds up in the bottom 3 - which she probably will - it's her own damned fault.

Michael Johns closed, therefore he'll be here another week.

I suppose that's all I have to say about him. OH! And, nice cravat.

Going...

I'm going to call the bottom three being Kristy-Lee, Syesha and either Ramiele or Brooke. Not both. I think the historically proven "black vote" will hop on to Syesha and save her for another week, and if either Brooke or Ramiele's fans haven't been underwhelmed enough thus far to not vote for them, I can't see them letting up now. Sooo... Methinks Kristy-Lee just might finally bite the proverbial dust.

Weeeeee'llllll seeeee...

Oh, and... obligatory plug...

Yes.

--- Aj