Haute-ish Topics

Well folks,

It's official...

After last night, we have a clear front runner to win American Idol...

AMY DAVIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Amy Davis is electrifying. Amy Davis opens her mouth, and the world stands still. Children stop crying. War ceases. The poor become rich. The hungry, fed. The buttefly population easily triples as a testament to the consummate beauty she exudes. Amy Davis' vocal power knows no bounds. None whatsoever. If she exerted her voice at only half-power, it could devastate an entire continent. At full belt - well, that would surely signal the Rapture. BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF AMY DAVIS, AS PER SEEN LAST NIGHT:

So yeah. Of course I'm kidding. This bitch sucks balls. And not just two of them. But NINE sets of 2, and one set of 3. She has absolutely no business being there at all. NONE. I was actually nervously laughing out loud at her when she sang, it was so mortifying. It was like watching a retarded parapalegic person being thrown down a bottomless ravene blindfolded - it was just utterly, utterly hopeless.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

So here's my sort of precis about the boys: David Hernandez... Went first. Unexceptional. Definitely lost some of his lustre. The only thing that will save him is that there were guys who did FAR worse and less memorable (yes, that's possible) than him... Chekezie... wowzers, he lost some weight. I mean, he had some to spare, but good for him. Vocally, meh. He kind of looks like Forrest Whittaker. Maybe if there's a movie night, he could sing "Kiss From A Rose" and dress up like Forrest in his Oscar-winning turn as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland... just a suggestion... David Cook... is kind of a smug bastard who screamed a lot. He reminds me of this dude who worked in a jazz shop that I needed to go in for my boss one time... I went in there and was like "do you have any records by Oscar Gugetta [or whatever his name was... some obscure jazz man that I've never heard of and doubt you have either]" and the guy sighs and says "yes" as-if to say "of course we do, retard" and I paused for a second, looked at him like "are you fucking serious" and said to him very sarcastically, "You lead a very rich life, my friend"... ANYWAY - he reminds me of him... he seems like a douchebag... I don't like him... Jason Yaeger... I can't really remember him... he sang "Moon River", did he not? He's doughy, dicky AND a crier... what's not to hate...

Robbie Carrico did fess up to the fact that he was in a boygirl group in the early 90's, yes... but he failed to mention that they were BOYZ-N-GIRLZ UNITED... I will not rest until he says their fucking name! Anyway... we get it, you want us to view you as a rocker... it's not gonna happen... you're gonna be pulling bingo numbers with Constantine Maroulis in 6 months time... David Archuleta is the out-and-out frontrunner as of right now... he makes me sick, but people seem to like him... sure... I thought his voice really struggled with some of that and have to imagine that his weaknesses will become more and more obvious in coming weeks, but he'll be around for a while... maybe even long enough for him to grow pubes... Danny Noriega looked frumpy. And what the balls was with choosing "Jailhouse Rock"? He should have done Lesley Gore's "You Don't Own Me" and called it a day. I did enjoy his sassy bobblehead when he rebutted to Simon, though... he's quite a card... Luke Menard is an assfucking unuch... for sho... that is just a criminally high voice... and despite this, it was abysmally unmemorable... Colton Berry is still kind of adorable, sorry. Ugh, I can't believe I find Colton Berry attractive. Suffice to say, this a low point in my existence. But whatevs... he's theatrical, yes, but he's a stronger singer than all the other tweenage himbros up in there... Garret Haley needs to be stopped... seriously... he needs to be destroyed and everything that ever contributed to his existence needs to be eliminated. Holy fuck. I felt similarly watching him as I did with Amy Davis. Retard. Parapalegic. Blindfolded. Hurled down a ravene. Oy... Jason Castro was such a pleasant surprise. I really, really like this dude. And really, really liked him doing "What A Day For A Daydream". He's very current, very now. I can't see him lasting, though. He still suffers from extreme lack of previous screen time and something tells me he'll have some serious trouble tackling the broader themes... Michael Johns is a fraction of what he's cracked up to be. The judges hail him as being the next Michael Hutchence, when in reality he's the next Rick Astley. Which is still sort of awesome in its own right, but not really. I really don't find him more than a shade above competent.

Meanwhile...

Kristy-Lee Cook... barf. Barf. Barf. Barf. Sang "Rescue Me" when she should have stayed in her comfort zone and sang "Rose Garden" or something instead. Apparently she's suffering from bronchittus. Apparently bronchittus makes you blow moose cock. She's not good, y'all. The only thing that would save her now would be a leaked sex tape... Joanne Borgella just doesn't have the goods... her Redwood-thick frame produces a reed-thin voice, and it's not pretty to listen to... she's clearly out of depth in this competition... all I can think of when I see her is A.) how much she looks like a business-casualized Frenchie Davis and B.) how awesome a singer Frenchie is/was, and how not awesome Joanne is... Alaina Whitaker looks like someone but I have no idea who... it's not Carrie Underwood... I think it might be Madonna, what with the gap in her teeth... she's definitely got a voice, I'll give her that. I wouldn't laud her to generously yet, though... she's still a dime a dozen in this crowd... Amanda Overmyer could have been SO much more awesome than she was... what the fuck? Scatting? I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. And she looks really unsure on stage. She's desperately afraid of the camera. Desperately. That said, she's still awesome and I hope she gets comfortable FAST...

Amy Davis, of course, is the most earth-shatteringly amazing talent that's e'er graced this earth for reasons I've already delved into... Brooke White is just not good. She might be if she embraced her limitations and stuck to that Carole King-esque shit she does, but she's not... she's trying to belt and flex vocal muscles that she simply doesn't have - what the fuck was up with that ending on "So Happy Together"? "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BAAAAAAAH!"... yeah, unnecessary... Alexandrea Lushington was the surprise of the night, hands down. Fucking LOVED everything she did. She is oh-so current and just fantastic. Thank God for her and Jason. PLEASE may they stick around... Kady Malloy... I actually agreed with everything the judges said... she's more herself - ie what makes her stand out - when she immitates other people than what she's currently projecting... because what she's projecting is a big pile of baby poo... Her days are numbered... specifically, 1... Asia'H Epperson is hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. She slides into notes, and that kinda makes her sound like she's deaf, but I still totally dig it. She reminds me of Faith Evans. I think she'll be around for a bit... Ramiele Malubay is adorable as the extensive collection of Hello Kitty merchandise I assume she has, but is a good-old fashioned karaoke singer and it begins and ends there... Syesha Mercado has clearly got an attitude, and it's not a good one. "They keep us away from the sick ones"? Hmmm... I didn't find her performance or vibe all that amazing... she's still very precocious and I'm starting to find myself somewhat rooting for the rug to be pulled out from under her... if only they could put her voice in Alexandrea, Alexyshandrea would be unstoppable... And lastly, Carly Smithson needs to stop blatantly crossing paths with black cats. Because I don't know how else to explain bitches luck. She too, had bronchittus. I couldn't tell until she coughed a-la "Look! I'm sick!!! Really!!!"... it was the same thing ya do when ya call in sick for work... anyway, didn't know the song, thought it kinda sucked, but still love her. Her upper range is to die for.

Going home:
Boys - This is a toss up. There are so many it could be. 6, actually. Danny H, Chikezie, Jason Y, Luke or Garret. My knee-jerk reaction was that Luke Menard and Garret Haley gave the most unmemorable and alienating performances, respectively, so that's who I'll go with.

Girls - Easy as pie. Joanne Borgella is headed back to Lane Bryant and, because the public will surely fear her power and talent rather than embrace it (or, because she sucks Moray-Eel ass), Amy Davis.

We'll see...

We shall see...

--- Aj

Happy Bit Me In The Vagina

Oh.

Yes.

Please - watch this:

In it's entirety. For serious.

I'm so serious, that I'll post it AGAIN:

Yeah. Thank the lord Oprah that youtube exists. It was one of my life's goals to watch a desperate middle-aged Chola cry over her demonic dog attacking a businessman - and then try and reconcile the situation by explaining that the dog has bit her in the vagina countless times. SO IT'S ALL COOL, SEE?!

Points to ponder:

- She has to very explicitly say vagina. Not crotch, not groin, not nether regions but VAGINA. (*In her defence, a little research has unearthed that the Spanish word for vagina is, in fact, vagina. So any argument that she also could have pronounced the word in her mother tongue is moot. MOOT!)

- This dog has quite a penchant for gnawing on genitals... first her 'bagina', then her baby labrador's "penith". WTF?

- The animal trainer sniffs that the dog's behavior reflects the woman's. Which means that bitch must give some toothier-than-thou blow jobs. Shoooot.

And finally,

- The name of this genital-chomping dog? HAPPY.

Jees Louise. So I'm kind of torn as to whether or not I should bother 'reviewing' the first performance episode of American Idol's 7th season that premiered last night. BO - RING. Talk about some bland company.

Mayhaps it's not their fault. For the first time EVER, they were given a theme for the semi-finals - rounds typically reserved for contestants to carve out their respective niches by picking any songs they so damn want. But NO. Last night was 60's theme. Boo-Urns. It was just more of the same. Depending on how the girls do tonight, I'd wager that a last minute decision will be made to scrap this plan all together until the Top 12.

Baaanyway. I'll do a brief rundown of the shit tomorrow when I recap the girls. I can't see it taking too long.

I'm doing a showcase at Yuk's tonight. It's the Toronto preliminaries for the Great Canadian Laugh-Off... something that I actually won in its innagural year. The only thing I've ever won, actually. It was a grand feeling. Thought it would never end. Guess what - IT DID!!! Hahaha. So yeah, that's tonight. Come if you want, it should be fun.

More fun?

YEP!!! LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY!!! IT'S GONNA BE HUUUGE!!!

So yeah.

That's gonna be it today.

I'll leave you with this:

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Hated, Song/Week

What the fuck is up?

How the fuck was your family day weekend? Was it absolutely, intoxicatingly ambrosial as was mine?

Kicked things off Friday. After hastily finishing this blog, I high-tailed it up to MTV studios to meet Jessi Cruickshank for an interview that'll be part of some segment called "The Dirt". It's on gay celebrities and coming out in Hollywood etc etc etc...

As I had mentioned, I was freshly waxed and my chest was irritated as all get-out, so upon arriving there the first thing out of my mouth: "Is there a possibility I could visit makeup?"... to which I'm replied, "oh, you have flawless skin"... which, of course, is consummately true, but that's not the point... do you know who said this? None other than recently outed star of Degrassi, The Next Generation Adamo Ruggeiro. He was also lending his two-cents to this piece.

Anyballs... we chatted cattily for the better part of the half-hour on the topic of coming out in the entertainment industy - a topic that I have more than a few opinions about. One thing that drives me nuts - although people do it harmlessly when broaching this topic - is when someone brings up people like Rupert Everett, Ian McKellan and Elton John as out-gay celebrities... yeah, they're all A.) old as hell and ranging from barely to not-at-all relevant, and B.) BRITISH. The point that I ALWAYS make in this debate that always seems to blow people's minds is that the British thing cancels the gay thing out... I guess a gay dude is easier to stomach if he's got an accent or something that clearly marks him as foreign... I had said, name one out gay make celebrity on the North American mainstream entertainment landscape who's not A.) British, B.) A style guru, C.) Been outed against their will/'Came out' after they were established.

Yeah. Doesn't exist. Trust me. So I basically rode it out being as self-richeous as the constraints of time and matter would allow. It was a fabulous afternoon. = )

Following that, I busted tail down to the village to put up posters advertising the forthcoming installment of BITCH SALAD -

TWO WEEKS TODAY!!! TWO WEEKS TODAY!!! - And home to freshen up (read: re-powder my exposed irritated chest flesh) and jet off to some theatre at U of T to see my dear, dear friend Meredith Shaw in a production of "Cabaret".

She was playing the role of Freulin Schneider - who's the out-and-out matron of the show... the landlady who houses a motley crew of whores, cabaret performers, artists etc in her hostel or whatever... long story short, she falls in love with a Jewish dude named Herr Shultz, it's the rise of the Nazi's, their love becomes verboten, blah blah blah, everybody is killed/cleansed. Meredith handled her first hand at playing a matron with sheer grace and determination. It was awesome - but yeah. I forgot how much of a downer Cabaret is. It's really a story whose backdrop is the rise of the third reich. Not a feelgood piece.

Anyballs, following that, we hightailed it to the Drake where there was a Valentine's edition of Big Primpin'. FUN. Just two tonnes of fun, really. Lots of people there and better-than-usual music than I've come to expect with Primpin'. The real fun was yet to come - following lights on, Max Valliquette (Youthography dude, frequently seen as contributor on those "Listed" shows 'n stuff) pitched some after-festivites, and, since we couldn't find a cab that would take five of us (Me, Yerxa, Anth, Heidi, Marianne) and God forbid we split up into two to travel 10 or so blocks, we fucking walked. From Queen & Dufferin to Dundas & Bathurst. In the freezing mothafuckin' cold.

Along the way, I suppose it was our coping mechanism of sorts to invent our own language a-la the Smurfs.

We were subbing in the word "Bort" for random words - inspired by the nickname of our partner-in-shinanigans, Marianne "Bort" Bortolin. A sample snippet of conversation might have gone:

Yerxa: Guys! Just three more borts and then we'll get to Max's!
Anth: That's still a long way to bort!
Me: Heidi! You just stepped in bort!
Heidi: Oh BORT!

And so on. Anyway. We got there at like 3:30 or some shit, stayed there and got drunker until 5, I hopped in a cab, went home, did laundry, forced myself to stay awake long enough to put it in the dryer, went to bed sometime after 6 AM, got up at 11, stumbled to the train station in a drunken haze and somehow got my effin' train back to Brockville.

Whilst in Brockville I did absolutely nothing. It was the most glorious session of prolonged nothin'-doin' I've had in a coon's age. The one break in nothin'-doin' I took was to accompany my parents to my aunt and uncle's new house on the majestic St. Lawrence river for dinner. Whilst there, in and among the rando family chit-chat, somehow the topic of frosh week concerts came up, and who played at who's. Apparently, in the bad old days, the bookers of these frosh week concerts had A.) taste and B.) foresight...

You will never fucking believe this: At my mom's frosh week concert? THE TURTLES. As in "So Happy Together" fame. At my uncle's frosh week concert? IKE & TINA TURNER (and the Ikettes) At my father's frosh week concert? SIMON & MOTHAFUCKIN' GARFUNKEL. Yeah. And furthermore, I just asked my boss who was at hers... LED ZEPPELIN. Yeah.

RIDICULOUS. Of course, this was all sliiiightly before they all broke hugecore, but still.

That's bullshit. I don't remember who was at mine - I didn't go anyway. It was either Our Lady Peace or I Mother Earth or some other three-worded CanCon modern rock outfit. I remember at the time there were a bunch of rumours swirling around as to who it might be, so as to keep actual fans of whatever band it was from infiltrating the concert meant for Frosh. I remember I Mother Earth, Our Lady Peace and someone else - perhaps Moist - were rumoured to be playing it. For absolute kicks, I threw Gloria Estefan's name into the rumour mill and made DAMNED sure it was spread thick and thoroughly. To this day, if you ask anyone who graduated from Queen's, '04, the bands that were rumoured to be playing our Frosh Week concert, they'll tell you "It was either I Mother Earth, Our Lady Peace or Gloria Estefan". Fun.

Also fun?

BITCH I LOVE THIS WEEK

TINA FEY

Who: Legendary comedienne, standout cast-member and first ever female head-writer of Saturday Night Live-turned-Emmy, Golden Globe and SAG-award-winning sitcom star for her work as Liz Lemon on 30 Rock.
Why I Love Her This Week: Ummm, for basically every word or thought she's ever said, written or gestured in the history of her saying, writing and/or thinking things. What is not to love about her? She was the greatest anchor who e'er sat upon the Weekend Update throne and I don't care what you say. Her opus, Mean Girls, stands as one of the defining, iconic films of the present millienium. And she's absolutely beyond brilliant on 30 Rock... observe:

Yes. Soooo many reasons to love and worship Tina Fey. But I must admit that this particular love I'm giving her is a little pre-emptive... y'see... this coming Saturday - oh my God I can't even handle it - SHE'S HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!!! AHHHH!!! I can't even wait. It's going to be their first show back after the strike - so you already know that it's going to be good on account of all their pent-up creativity. Add to that already delicious gumbo, the fact that Tina Fey is fucking hosting and oh my God I just came in m'pants.

Another reason why she's sublime, listen to what she had to tell Howard Stern re: Paris Hilton's turn hosting SNL back in '02...

Oh my God. Brilliant. "Write a sketch about Jessica Simpson, she's fat". And my absolute favourite bit of info: they actually had a bet going that she wouldn't ask any of them a personal question a-la "How are you?" that they lost when she asked Seth Myers if Maya Rudolph was Italian. GENIUS.

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

[Puffy, Jealous, Present-Day] ARETHA FRANKLIN

Who: Enduring, legendary "Queen of Soul" who demanded "Respect" on the "Freeway of Love" no doubt breaking through a "Chain of Fools"... it goes on...
Why I Hate Her This Week: JEALOUS, MUCH? Backstory: Last week, at the Grammys, Beyonce and Tina Turner performed together, a medley of Tina's hits. It was all-too exciting. Tina Turner is just irrepressible. Before introducing Tina, Beyonce did this spoken-word-yet-lipsynched tribute to all the fine ladies of song who stood upon the Grammy stage before her, which culminating her introducing Tina Turner as "the queen".

Well, this got Aretha's size XXXXXL panties up in a bunch, let me tell ya. She released this statement to People.com:

"I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have
bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé, however I dismissed it as a
cheap shot for controversy. In addition to that, I thank the Grammys and the
voting academy for my 20th Grammy and love to Beyoncé anyway."

Okay. It's one thing if you silently stew and someone catches wind of it. But to release a fucking statement without even being PROMPTED proclaiming you're a jealous bitch? Oh come on, ReRe. Bah... she was just jealous that Tina's the same age and light-years away from looking as busted as Aretha does.

That's it.

See you tomorrow,

When the phrase "Happy bit my vagina" will have new meaning,

--- Aj

Big Whoop! Who Gives A Bibble? Gabba-Gabba Hey!

Heyyyy muffins,

So, a few things:

A.) It seems that those American Idol Top 24 spoilers were 800% true. Someone's gettin' fired up in there. As a result it was actually welcomingly anticlimactic. That British-esque kid cried up a storm. Bahhh well. Bitch couldn't sing with a band - DEAL WITH IT. Neither did that kid with the tie and glasses who wanted to become governor of Oklahoma and just had "this seasons' Sanjaya" written all over him - and thank God he didn't. Good move on the producer's part.

I still feel pretty much the same as I did about each of them when I ran them down last blog, particularly about how strongly I feel about never letting 'rocker' Robbie Carrico live down his involvement with Boyz-N-Girls United. A few things have changed, however: I don't think that plus-sized model Joanne Borgella is that fierce anymore... she can't sing so good... That li'l elfin homo Danny Noriega has potential to grow on me, what with how blantantly faggy and pixie-like he is... That Colton Berry kid (pictured) is as bland as a digestive cookie but I'd hit him in a nanosecond... And it's very clear that some people hold VERY strong favour with the producers... among them, Amanda, Michael, Brooke, David and particularly, Carly... whoazers... they were pimping her out nuttily... which, because she's my favourite, I'm totally fine with...

As awesome as I think she is, I have some issue with her face. I was speaking with Yerxa last night about how there's something that's just not right about her... and SHAZAM we hit the nail on the head - her eyebrows!!!

She's got Divine Eye-brows!!!


Anyballs...

Also happening yesterday? Last Comic Standing auditions. I didn't go - I resolved not to unless I could get an audition, which didn't happen. And boy 'o boy am I glad I didn't go to the open call - from what I've heard through the grapevine/from little birds/back-fence whispers, if you didn't have an audition time, it was a complete waste of time.

Evidently people waited upwards to and including 6 hours to be herded into a room with 5 other comics, where you were then told to do a joke and they would then yay or nay you onto a stone-faced producer who would decide whether or not you came back and auditioned for the "celebrity" judges - Kid In The Hall Dave Foley (yawn... Bruce McCulloch however, well, that woulda been another story) and, um, 'character actor' Richard Kind.

Apparently some of the open callers were told to "go get a wacky costume then come back". Which is just SOOOOOOOO nuts. That actually blows my mind.

Anyballs - apparently 4 people made it to Hollywoodland. The Williamson Playboys (Paul Bates & Doug Morency... two old-school Second City dudes), Brian Lazanik (brilliant, brilliant absurdist one-liner dude who was told he was moving on to LA last year, but at the last minute his ticket was rebuffed for no apparent reason), Sean Cullen (Amazing. Fucking genius. I personally thought he'd be beyond something like this, but whatever) and Winston Spear (Another genius, genius guy). Canada is very well represented this year, so that's good.

I'm just happy that none of the Americans who came up thinking that Toronto would be an easy venue didn't get through. I was at Spirits the night before and two American dudes who were auditioning for Last Comic were on first and second, respectively. The first was this black dude who ran up and implored that the audience "MAKE SOME NOISE! MAKE SOME NOISE!"... I don't know if you've ever been up first at Spirits, but the chances of you getting the audience to "make some noise" are slim to nil.

He followed this up with some impressions. Yep. None of which were particularly effective. He got a guffaw out of me for his Bobby & Whitney impression, but only because I represent whenever Whitney is made mention of. It consisted of him putting a ratty wig on the microphone stand (Whitney) and talking shit to it (Bobby). He then used that wig throughout the duration of his incredibly forced and loud set.

The next American comic 'preppin' at Spirits for the big audtion' opened with "where my fellow Greek people at?" They weren't. Not a one. Despite this fact, he continued on with 5 minutes worth of very Greek-specific material before closing on a punny bit involving a bunch of Iraq-war buzz words... I can't remember what he said but it would be like talking about eggs and saying shit like "EGGceptional news for Egg l'oeufers... And I'm not yoke-ing"... shit like that... anyway... not great...

I did walk by Yuk Yuk's - where auditions were taking place at around quarter to six, and ran into a comic who's name completely escapes me who was really upset because he was too late to get in or something and was like "it's too late dude. We didn't make it". I informed him that I wasn't auditioning, but rather on m'way to get m'bidness waxed, as my waxing place was right next door.

So I did. Bidness. Waxed. The chick who waxed me was a lovely Indian woman named Maria. Apparently back in India, she was a dentist. Isn't that terrible? Like utterly terrible? Because of our fucking policy on immigrants and education, and trained dentist is instead waxing my effin' bidness. Ohhhh well, O Bla Di O Bla Da.

Anyway - apparently my skin isn't being cooperative right now and I'm red as all hell. And, because I'm a genius with all sorts of luck, AM WEARING A V-NECK SHIRT. And there's more - I'm off to shoot something called "The Dirt" on MTV Canada. Fuck. Anyway. I'm gonna go buy some cover-up and hope I can pass this redness and irritation off as "sun-kissed and freckled". We'll see...

In other news:

YAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAY!!!

That's right --- nearly two-weeks away!

This one is gonna be good, y'all. Look at that motherfucking lineup.

Jan & Stefanie are doing improv AS their characters from Mean Girls. Jan was the girl who eats her feelings and Stefanie was the one who had to use super-jumbo tampons because she had a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. AMAZING.

Anyway - have a happy Family Day weekend for those of you in Toronto.

Catch ya on the flipside, yo.

--- Aj

Maaajor American Idol Spoilers... [Potentially]

Hey. How are ya? Really. Tremendous!

So... American Idol anyone? If you're like me, and clearly, you either are or aspire to, you've sustained what has seemed like millennia of audition episodes, featuring the requisite slew of intentionally unfunny posers and genuinely retarded people - be it socially or otherwise - and of course the rare smattering of actual talent.

Last night marked the first night of Hollywood week. Where all the 'gold ticket' winners are cruelly hacked down from hundreds to dozens. It's generally my favourite period of Idol, so imagine my disappointment to find out that this week is fucking IT! Just two episodes. Bah Humbug.

So, in spite of that, Imma full blown post the leaked Top 24 for y'all right now.

I got this from a dudes' blog who got it from another dudes' blog, so take it with a grain of salt 'er two. Buuuut if you'll notice, none of these people were cut last night and were all showcased as solid and promising... so we'll seeee...

First off, I'll spoil the boys, because I really couldn't care less about them. The only guy I remotely liked was that gay dude, Leo Marlowe. Mainly because he was i.) openly gay and ii.) not some mugging freak who cried on a moments notice. But noooo... God forbid the Idol producers actually put through three-dimensionalized a gay dude for once... anyballs... What it seems we're left with...

Again, MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD:

Click on their names to watch their audition...

Chikezie Eze - auditioned last year. Randy wasn't 'feeling him'. Sang a gender-revisionists version of Whitney Houston's "All The Man [Woman] That I Need". Meh. Another rotund black dude with a velvet-y voice. Been there. Done That. Bought The T-Shirt. Cut up said T-Shirt and used it as spunk rag. NEXT!

Colton Berry - Completely unexceptional 16-year old with pleasant voice. He'll be gone before you can say "AJ Tabaldo".

Danny Noriega - (Pictured) Rejected last season, now this season's resident questionably eye-brow'd 16-year-old fag who doesn't know it yet, so ergo, is acceptable to allow on TV. Danny - everyone from the game "The Legend of Zelda: A Link From The Past" called... they want their head back.

David Archuleta - Buttery-voiced, baby-faced crooner who suffered from vocal chord paralysis as a child... blah blah blah boo hoo... the first of many cases of debatably established contestants this season, David won Star Search when he was 12. The debate stands "Is that fair or not?" I don't see that being a problem.

David Cook - This season's resident 'rocker' who knocked the shit out of Bon Jovi''s "Livin' On A Prayer" in his initial audition, and fared nicely with Bryan Adam's "Everything I Do I Do It For You" on last night's episode. A little too cool for school, but probably the strongest guy of the bunch.

David Hernandez - Someone we didn't see until last night, to say that this muchacho belted out "Love The One Your With" with gusto would be the understatment of the year... or rather, la subestimación del año... Aaaand that's about enough appropriating Hispanics for one day.

Garrett Haley - Couldn't find zip on the bitch. Gonna hafta bet there's a reason why.

Jason Castro - Guess this is him, what with his myspace profile pic being him during an American Idol audition. He's got several clips of him playing up on the y'tube. Apparently he used to date Cheyenne Kimball. For that fact alone, I'm not a fan. Add on top his white-man dreads, and yeah, ew.

Jason Yeager - One one side of the coin, you have the 'debatably established' artists coming out this season... Exceptionally talented people who just haven't been able to 'hold onto their break'... then there are just washed up competent people who have put in face time all over the place but fail consistently... Jason seems to be of the latter set... Apparently was a finalist on "Making The Band" years ago, unfortunately not prevailing in getting into O-Town... I'll bet that still haunts him... then a finalist on some show called "Country Tonite"... according to his myspace, he's religious... yeah... I dunno what to tell ya...

Luke Menard - Another dude we've seen neither hyde nor hair of, apparently he's descendant of an acapella outfit entitled "Chapter 6". I can only hope on his official American Idol contestant page, he lists "Rock-A-Pella" from Carmen Sandiego as one of his musical influences.

Michael Lee Johns - Another debatably established contestant - he was once the lead singer of a band called "The Rising", who either were or were about to be signed by Madonna's "Maverick Records" - bitch is Australian and the judges have quite a boner for him. I don't get it myself, but whatever floats y'boat.

Robbie Carrico - Yet another debatably established contestant, Robbie is all rock 'n roll now... but he sure as balls WASN'T!!! Formely one quarter of a early millenial pop group entitled Boyz N Girlz United, (*cough*, yes) they opened for Britney Spears in Europe. And apparently, Britney opened for Robbie in Europe because the two were rumored to have been dating. Maybe she'll show up and support him if he cracks the Top 12. And if she's not dead by then.

So yeah... That's the dudes...

Pretty unremarkable if you ask me. Where the balls is Leo Marlowe??? And that gigantically fat black gay guy who sang "Big, Blonde & Beautiful" from Hairspray last night??? And as annoying and pompous and rough around the edges as he was, that Josiah Leming kid who sang with a British accent? That kid would have been HUGE! Ohhh well. Maybe he makes it and this list is a lie. Whatevs...

One things' for sure... if the Top 12 girls' spoiler list is correct, things could get very interesting... instead of just listing them off in alphabetical order, I'll instead rank them, because that's much more fun...

12.) Amy Davis

What the hell was that supposed to be? Singing? Really? "Vocal Potential"? Where? Yeah. Bitch makes last season's Hayley Scarnato look like Maria mothafuckin' Callas by comparison. Someone lucked out...

11.) Kristy Lee Cook

Pretty, I'll give her that. And doesn't entirely make me vomit with how girl-next-door/cabin she is because she's a cage-fighter, and I found that unexpected. But bitch please. Y'can't sing. You've heard of paint-by-numbers? Well her interpretation of Amazing Grace - which was aparently so stunning she had to bring it back during last night's Hollywood round - was like trill-by-numbers. It was the most textbook 'contemporary' interpretation of that song ever. Methinks she's in waaaay over her head.

10.) Alex Lushington

Maybe she's got range that's mind-blowing and we didn't see it, but other than her super-cool vibe, her Grandma who's been around since the 1800's and a last name that sounds like a pseudonym that a rock star would use to check into a hotel under, everything about Alex is entirely underwhelming.

9.) Alaina Whitaker

Strong voice. Too young. Classic case of a contestant that won't have the slightest clue what songs to pick other than ones she's seen on Idol before. Beyond that, she'll be directly competing with Brooke, who's a better singer and a natrual charisma, and Kristy-Lee, who's prettier and more representative of middle-American values.

8.) Ramielle Malubay

Big voiced little Asian chick. Me likey. She can certainly sing, there's no doubt about that. And Asians have been dramatically under-represented on Idol (William Hung notwithstanding). Again, I wonder about her depth to show people things they haven't seen yet. Very young and already hammering Idol standards to death. We'll see, though...

7.) Kady Malloy

Pretty. Kind of interesting. Theatrical. I'm just not sure where she fits in the grand scheme of things and can see her being forgotten about and slipping through the cracks early on.

6.) Joanne Borgella

LOVE her. Don't love her voice as much as I love her, but love her just the same. Finally, a sista with class. She'll have a lot to compete with in her 'category', with Syesha being younger, hotter and a better voice, and that Asiah and her whole back story of her father dying, but she could score a lucrative Lane Bryant campaign out of this, at least.

5.) Brooke White

This bitch is gonna be dangerous. I, personally, don't find too much exceptional about this chick, but she's connected - routinely winning every poll I see. And they really haven't seen someone of Brooke's style or skillset (a-la ethereal-yet-pop singer-songwriter). Not to mention that she's sacharine sweet. She'll be quite a force to be reckoned with comin' up.

4.) Asiah Epperson

Speaking of dangerous, talk about a back story with legs. If you don't know/didn't watch, what happened was Asiah's father died 2 - yes, TWO - day before she found herself standing in front of Randy, Simon and Paula. She decided to sing LeAnn Rimes' "How Do I Live" in tribute to him. Apparently, Asiah can really fucking sing - she's got a smokey voice that reminds me of Monica, only more robust. Yeah. I think she's a very sure bet for Top 10.

3.) Syesha Mercado

Whooooaaaaash. BITCH CAN SANG, Y'ALL!!! On top of that, SHE FIERCE!!! She's like Vonzell Solomon from Season 4 only bigger voice, more aggressive and insanely personable. I might even liken her to a young Whitney. It'd be a punishable crime if she didn't make the Top 5 at least.

2.) Amanda Overmyer

HELLS yes. I oft like to see when contestants compete on American Idol who are direct throwbacks/downright dopplegangers to other established artists. It's kind of like seeing how these established artists would fare in the Idol game. Amanda IS Melissa Etheridge. Holy fuck. The world has been waiting for this bitch. I can't wait to see how far she goes.

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) Carly Smithson

Yeah. Umm, she's good. Story about her: Do you at all remember Season 5? When the judges were doing press tours during the auditions and said that the best singer they saw all season - the best one they'd had yet - was this Irish girl who auditioned in Vegas? Then it turns out, she couldn't get her visa approved and couldn't compete? And evvvveryone wondered, "who the balls is this Irish girl"? Well, as it turns out, it's Carly. There's a bit more to this story... a few years ago, there was an artist named Carly Hennessy. She was poised to be the next Britney Spears... her record label, MCA, had reportedly spent 2.2 million dollars developing her. A single and video was released, "I'm Gonna Blow Your Mind". Well, she didn't. Bitch sold 400 albums. She was dropped. This entire debacle became a the topic of an article in the Wall Street Journal (a kind of heartbreaking read, actually). Yeah. This has become an issue. While she's currently mired in controversy, there is absolutely no debating the fact that BITCH. CAN. SANG. Anyballs - she's my favourite and I absolutely, unequivocally agree with the judges that she's one of the best they've ever had.

So that's [potentially] the Top 24.

I'm off. I'm doing Spirits tonight. It's supposed to be a good show.

Happy trails!!!

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Hated, Song of Week

Good Monday to you...

So, it's officially The Day After Tomorrow outside right now. Minus Jake Gyllenhal, which would be the only upside about this shit.

Y'ALL, IT'S COLD! Shoot.

It just makes me want to sob. I really hope shit milds the balls out soon. I bought a new wind-breaker over the weekend and I can't wear it soon enough - Hear that spring? SPRUNG Y'SELF ALREADY!!!

Anyballs...

Grammy's last night...

Amy Winehouse swept. Record, Song, Pop Vocal Performance AND Best New Artist honours. Here's hoping the natural high kept her off the bottle for the night at least.

GLARING omission was her losing the Album of the Year award to Herbie Hancock's Joni Mitchell-inspired obscurity. I find it so hilarious when that happens... when the seminal album of a year/generation is shockingly passed over for a more 'credible', insider-y, arcane piece of poo... I'll never forget back in 2001 when Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" was passed over for some random with a capital "R" album by Steely mothafuckin' Dan... It was an incredibly controversial year for Eminem at that point... he was being protested by gay rights groups that night and performed "Stan" with Elton John... and everyone was on the edge of their seats to see if he'd be rewarded or condemned... and then in the anti-climax to end all anti-climaxes, Steely Dan wins. Golf-claps abound. And these two fucking hobbits putz up to the stage and bore the world at large to absolute tears. It was HILARIOUS.

Anyballs... Kanye West also won some awards... so hopefully he'll shut the fuck up for a while. I had heard that Whitney Houston was supposed to make a cameo during Alicia Keys' performance of "No One" - which was about the most unnecessary staging EVER. Did bitch REALLY need that keyboard on that other stage? Basically what happened is she started out at her piano, which she really needs to do, as if to say "hey y'all. I'm a musician. Make no mistake about it. I play instruments." then she grabbed the mic, got up, flounced around, ululated... then made her way down a catwalk to a centre-stage thingy which had a keyboard on it... which she then reached her left-hand over to and struck a few lower keys... she didn't sit down, or even fucking do some brief solo or something, just pressed some keys. I was like "WTF?!" I thought it was so unnecessary, but that's something I'll have to live with...

WELL... there was no Whitney Houston in sight, but instead Alicia was joined on stage by... ... ... John Mayer [pictured to the left, to the left wearing the Borat one-piece swimsuit on his "Mayercraft Carrier" cruise lines or something... I don't really know... nice ass, though... I wouldn't come up for days...]

That was about it. Aretha Franklin is basically a danger to herself and the world at this point. I'm not certain that the earth's ground can hold her anymore. Ooh-Wee bitch is big. And just does absolutely nothing to camouflage that fact. So I guess I kinda gotta hand it to her... no matter...

Pressing on...

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

DARCEL [WYNNE]


Who: 5'5", 106-lbs former Head Dancer of the legendary Solid Gold dancers spanning 1980-1986/Chocolate-coated sex on a fucking stick. Now a born-again Christian with three kids, married to one of The Temptations.
Why I Love Her This Week: This one is long over due. Dynamism. Drama. Dexterity. All words that jump to mind immediately when the name "Darcel" is uttered. So many reasons to love this woman: i.) She's rockin' Moesha nails... not necessarily the most practical things for a dancer to sport, but the height of sass nonetheless, ii.) She's rockin' the Elizabethan hair configuration... all hair is removed from one's head up to the crown... iii.) Her body is criminally insane... if her body was a serial killer, it'd be John Wayne Gacey-kinda-thing... but moreover...

GET A LOAD OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING MOVES, YO!!!

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL

Who/What: It's that assfucking groundhog that determines our immediate fate every February when he comes up out of his hole, either sees his shadow or doesn't, and if he does, DAMNS us to 6 more weeks of winter. The story goes that every February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on - and I shit you not - some place called Gobbler's Knob, in front of thousands of followers who, as per evidenced in the above photograph, are dressed like absolute dicks - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.
Why I Hate Him This Week: Because bitch done seen his shadow and as a result, I'll continue to freeze my vagina off for 6 more painstaking weeks.

SONG OF THE WEEK

So it's winter. And it's gonna be for quite some time. And that sucks more than I can possibly describe. So I figured - in a grand attempt to shake off the winter blues and blahs - I did what I usually do when I need a pick-me-up... I made a mix.

Yes... My winter mix. For those of you who loved my "Dance Mix 2007" - and there were a lot of you, thanks for that - you'll fucking love this shit...

1. Mary J. Blige - Just Fine (Moto Blanco Mix)
2. Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (Moto Blanco Mix)
3. Timbaland feat. OneRepublic - Apologize (Lenny B Mix)
4. Snoop Dog - Sexual Eruption (Wideboys Mix)
5. Spice Girls - Wannabe 2008 (Soul Seekers Piano Mix)
6. Britney Spears - Piece Of Me (Bimbo Jones Mix)
7. Santana feat. Chad Kroeger - Into The Night (Tommie Sunshine Mix)
8. Tony Moran feat. Martha Wash - Keep Your Body Workin' (Bassmonkey Mix)
9. Nicole Scherzinger feat. T.I. - Baby Luv (Ralphi Rosario Mix)
10. Justin Timberlake & Beyonce - Until The End Of Time (Maurice Joshua Mix)
11. Kimberley Locke - Band Of Gold (Almighty Mix)
12. Annie Lennox with Madonna - Sing (Dean Coleman Mix)
13. Janet Jackson - Feedback (Moto Blanco Mix)
14. Kelly Rowland - Work (Freemasons Mix)
15. Tone Loc feat. Peaches - Wild Thing (Peaches Mix)
16. Princess Superstar vs. Mason - Perfect (Exceeder) (Original Mix)
17. Ashley Tisdale - He Said, She Said (Von Doom Mix)
18. Sia - The Girl You Lost To Cocaine (Stonebridge Mix)
19. Rihanna - Don't Stop The Music (Wideboys Mix)
20. Felix Da Housecat - Like Something 4 Porno (Original Mix)
21. Natasha Bedingfield - Love Like This (Johnny Vicious Mix)
22. Nelly Furtado - Do It (Passengerz Mix)
23. Jordin Sparks - Tattoo (Tonal Mix)
24. Enrique Eglesias - Somebody's Me (Jody DB Mix)
25. Celine Dion - Taking Chances (I-Soul Mix)
26. Indina Menzel - Gorgeous (Scotty K Mix)
27. Mika - Relax (Take It Easy) (Dennis Christopher Mix)

Phew.

Download/Listen to it HERE!!!

Freezingly yours,

--- Aj

See You Next [Super] Tuesday

Hey everybody...

Sorry I've been so scarce and scant this week. Life gets in the way from time to time to time.

So first things first: this snow stuff has got to stop.

Fuck that groundhog - Punxsutawney Phil, I believe his name is - who seen his daaayumn shadow and scurried back down his mothafuckin' hole. I just can't handle 28 more weeks of this shit or how ever much longer we have of it...

In other, lighter news:

GUNG HEI FAT CHOY, Y'ALL! It was the Chinese, or, in more gentrified terms, Lunar New Year yesterday! So, all you rats, this is your year. Hope it's a good one. Or, at least as good as years get by rat standards.

Anyballs...

So much has happened yet nothing has. I'm talking specifically about Super Tuesday - the day in which a slew of states go the polls and make their voices heard. Well, it's a bit more complicated than that. I actually don't understand it fully. They're primary elections in which people come out and vote for the delegates that they're going to send to each respective party's convention which will in turn vote for their respective nominee. It all seems very convoluted and set up to trick the American people into thinking that their voice is represented when it's not represented at all... which seems to be the foundation that American politics has been laid upon... b'aaanyway...

So Clinton and Obama are neck-in-fucking-neck. Well sort of. Apparently he won more states, but she won more delegates, whatever that means. I think it means that whilst he won more states, she won states with bigger populations, hence, more important ones. But they're still pretty neck-in-neck.

I'll come out and say it, not that it has any sort of bearing or influence whatsoever - but I'm a Hillary fan. I wasn't. I was totally team Obama at the beginning, but I'm all about Hillary right now. There's just something about her I unwaveringly trust. LOOK AT THAT FACE?! Well, maybe not in that picture per se. But yeah.

For real. I think she means what she says. And moreover, is actually prepared to make it happen. I just get a lot of hype and idealism from Obama, which sooo many people are subscribing to.

I hear so many people say "he's inspiring". Inspiring what exactly? It's very much one thing to say 'this needs to change' and 'that needs to change' but I'm not certain he's able to realistically execute that whereas Hillary has a bearing on what can realistically be accomplished and is prepared to make it happen. Again, LOOK AT THAT FACE! That's the face of a do-er if e'er I've seen one.

One thing that's kind of driving me nuts is all the endorsements and campaigning on Obama's behalf. It's such a popularity contest now, which is such bullshit. It is EXACTLY like the movie "Election", in so many respects. Hillary is totally Reese "Tracy Flick" Witherspoon - the better-prepared if slightly overbearing candidate - and Barack is totally Chris "Paul Metzler" Klein - the popular varsity jock. And Oprah? Oprah is TOTALLY Matthew "Jim McAllister" Broderick in this whole fiasco!!! ... Well no.

Anyway... it's gonna be interesting to see how that all boils down... as Clinton and Obama basically agree on everything and champion the same causes. I guess the tie breaker is going to be which prejudice is stronger with the American people - racism or sexism.

On the Republican side, however, it's a bit spicier of an enchilada. The cold hard truth to the Republican side is that they're a party divided. The Republicans, by and large, are a congregation of religious extremists, unscrupulous capitalists and warmongers. They'll come out in droves to support someone who explicitly panders to that - i.e. George W. Bush - and more often than not, in their communal lunacy, make quite an impression.

This year, they don't have anything remotely near a sure bet. Mitt Romney was sort of as conducive to what gives them a boner as they were gonna get, but after much doubt came from his flip-flopping ways (supported gay rights and abortion when he was a Massachusets senator and needed to pander to democrats... now, obviously, doesn't) and the gigantic red flag that his super-creepy Mormonism raises, he's completely isolated himself. If he wasn't richer than God, he would have been out ages ago.

Huckabee certainly gives a lot of them a boner, but as far as anyone who's not home-schooled/even believes in the possibility of evolution goes, he's a good-old-fashioned loony toon who'd be better selling holy oil on a soapbox in the village square of some hamlet in Tennessee.

There's a lot of talk about the only reason Huckabee is still in the race was to sabotage Romney by splitting the votes, leaving McCain to be the front-runner. Which brings me to McCain...

It strikes me that the Republican strategy behind putting McCain up as the nominee is that he's the most likely of any of them to win because he's the moderate, and after the absolute bedlam of the Bush administration, that's the best that any of the Republicans can hope for... it's their way of compromising, I guess... The only thing about that is that it severely angers and isolates those core crazy conservatives...

I guess they think this way, dems or independents will actually view a vote for another Republican nomination as an ACTUAL OPTION AT ALL... which is just sooo fucking isn't. Sorry. Not gonna happen. People are not going to willingly fuck themselves up the ass with a live curling iron this time. The only reason they did last time was because [according to exit polls] they "were concerned with the protection of family values"-AKA-were vehemently against gay marriage and would rather see war and mass corruption rage on than two dudes get married. And that's not even a thing now... Democrats wised the balls up about that... Hill's said that she will in no way change the definition of marriage - and she totally doesn't mean it, you can tell that it's said with a heavy-lidded wink, but she knows that who she needs to pander to...

Another HUGE deal with last election is that it was a lot of ethnic minorities (or rather, majorities, as it were) voting for Bush because they too couldn't fathom two dudes getting married - but now with immigration policy set go drastically against their favour under a Republican administration, you can kiss the highly coveted WOP vote "Adiós".

Anyballs... it's gonna be interesting to see how the next few months unfold.

And that was my attempt at talking politics. What's that? You don't see me being poached by the Huffington Post anytime soon? Agreed.

One more thing:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANTHONY SUPPA!!!

Lates,

--- Aj