Let's just get right down to it...
It's official: Paula Abdul has more Vicodin in her body than water, blood and poop combined.
What the balls was that all about last night??? Has American Idol become such a grand phenomenon that its cast members are now exempt from staying within the spacetime continuum? Because that's basically the only way that Paula's people could explain what happened last night that doesn't make her sound like KRAZY.
If you don't know what happened, do catch up:
Apparently they wanted to save time by having the judges judge all the performances at once after they all concluded - kinda like at a commencement ceremony when the stuffy, curmudgeonly principal asks you to reserve your applause until all the names have been read out (but no one ever does because fuck that).
So as t'were, each contestant came out, sang their first song, then Seacrest delivered the number sans the judges weighing in. Then at the halfway point, in what looked to be an honestly impromptu move on the producers part, they scurried the Idols back on stage and had 'half-time reactions' from the judges so far... Randy offered up standard "Just okay... the bomb!" fare, and then when it came time for Paula... well... hmmm...
Yeah.
My take on the matter is this: it's fairly common knowledge that the judges watch the Idols in rehearsal and plot out their critiques - they're not so off-the-cuff as we're lead to believe - and Paula's brain simply could wrap its head around the sudden change of plans and a combination of all those things resulted in a good-old-fashioned, juicy Abdul-brand brain fart. *pats hands together*
Although I'm sure people will be OBSESSED with speculating what sort of crooked, drug-fueled truth is behind it... was Paula drunk... are the judges reading scripted comments by the producers that are formulated before they perform... personally, I'm just happy that something eclipsed all that Miley Cyrus topless bullshit as quickly as it has.
Anyballs... moving on:
Neil Diamond Night! GO!!!
As much as I'd offer up a moustache ride to him any old day of the week, Jason Castro is fading - and at a very crucial point in the competition... kinda like how, when baking a cake, there's a crucial rising point, and if you interrupt it, y'alls cake is busted. How the fuck do I know that? I've never baked a cake in m'life. Eaten a cake - HELLS YES. Baked one -nope. I digress... His first song, "Forever In Blue Jeans", started too low and really went nowhere. This would have been just fine about 10 weeks ago - he totally could have coasted by on his goofy charm - but methinks people are getting over that. Fast. He didn't fare much better on his second number, "September Morn"... I actually can't remember a thing about it other than the fact that he said he almost choked on something before he sang it... big fat whatevs... for the first time in this competition, I didn't find that I anticipated what he had coming... hmmm...David Cook's pretty much the only one up to tonight who doesn't make a complete mess out of himself tonight, but it's not like the roof is exactly jumpin' off the place either. His first song starts out in his problematic lower register a-la his disastrous Idol Gives Back week performance of "Innocence", and kind of evens out in the end but I didn't really notice either way. For whatever reason, I can't really remember David's second song either, but something tells me it was another serviceable effort which directly and explicitly speaks to the type of record he'll make when he wins blah blah blah... he has 0.0 things to worry about tonight...
Brooke White continues to punish us all. He first song, The Monkee's "I'm A Believer", was the type of performance you'd expect to see in front of the Alzheimer's wing of an old folk's home. She was totally someone's grand-daughter who was there to give her new guitar a whirl for nana... Her second song, "I Am, I Said", resulted in me penning a song to counter-offer entitled "You Suck, I Said". Done. GET HER OUT OF HERE!!!
David Archuleta was looking particularly Eddie Munster-esque this evening. Re: his performances... meh. At least he sang recognizable Diamond gems (redundant? yes) - which he delivered with the exact same generic R&B affectations and conviction that he's saving the homeless that he's injected into all of his performances so far. What I can't handle is when Simon commends the contestants for singing a patriotic song, calling them "smart"... see, thing of it is, these contestants - like David last night and Kristy-Lee before him - don't know that they're pandering to the fly-over states... they're just doin' what comes naturally... whatevs...The producers' finally threw her a bone and let YeYe close out the night... singing two songs that I hadn't a clue what were... she did fine with them - she's hands-down one of the top three vocalists in the competition at this point... but the fact remains that she's so abrasive, she makes Season 3's LaToya London look like a Care Bare by comparison (in terms of accessibility)... I predict trouble with a capital "T" for YeYe...
GOING...
Bottom 2 should be Brooke and Jason. Bottom 2 probably will be Brooke and YeYe. Bottom 2 definitely will be anyone except for the David's.
Although YeYe did well-ish and was given the pimp spot last night, at her best she's a million times away from being as embraced as Jason is at his worst, so methinks he'll be safe in place of her.
I just can't imagine Brooke escaping Bottom 2 at this point. However, she's been reaping the pity vote like Anna Nicole Smith to J. Howard Marshall's fortune, so I wouldn't place any money what's'ever on her leaving us.
So yeah - bye bye YeYe.
C'est tout.
Tomorrow - to botox or not to botox.
--- Aj
I wouldn't really call that topless... unless you cum in y'pants over bare shoulders (and if y'do, God love ya), I don't really see what the HUGE FUCKING DEAL that everyone's making about it is, but whatevs. I'm kinda with the majority of people who find that picture of her wearin' the hip-huggers nestled in her father - Billy Ray Cyrus's - crotch a bit more disturbing... but that's just me.
I can't believe Sarah Brightman bounced up and down on that for as long as she did - then again, a girls' gotta do what a girls' gotta do to make it in this business... and if anyone knows that, it's me. So yes, I'd hit it. If I had to. IRREGARDLESS - during an Idol post-mortem with Yerxa, it was remarked how A.) hideously trannylicious Andrew Lloyd Webber's visage is and B.) how lovely his songbook is. It was then discussed that t'is a pity A.L.W. couldn't write his face, because again, it's busted sumpthin' fierce. It was then brought up what exactly is with that extra 'L' in "Lloyd", to which a conclusion was never reached.
Who: (This is the long and short of it) Yale art student who's caused a firestorm of controversy over the past week when it was announced that her senior art project was going to consist of her giving herself a drawn-out, self-inflicted abortion assisted by supposed "herbal abortifacient" or some shit... the presentation of this art project - I guess you could call it large-scale installation performance art, if you were a douchebag that wanted to actually dignify this ludicrous howl for attention as an artform - would take the form of her showing video shot over the 9 month period (no pun intended) that she was pregnant, slowly but surely inducing this miscarriage, and painting blocks suspended from the ceiling with the blood of her miscarriage mixed with Vaseline.
She absolutely killed it - no easy feat being first at the Salad. My favourite bit of Von Hagen's is easily the one she does about the three varieties of her boyfriend's friends... "There are the ones you hate. The ones who hate you. And the one's you want to sleep with." So true, so true.
Dana can probably lay claim to having the set on The Salad when, on the second installment, she absolutely destroyed. Like beat it to death. Sidebar: it's absolutely mystifying why, in comedy, the terminology used to describe how well or how poorly you did is all in deathspeak... I couldn't tell ya why, but it just is. "I killed it"... "I died up there"... weird. Whatevs -
I didn't get a picture with her then and there and that DESTROYS me as she had a very special addition to her segment: a makeshift newsdesk that slipped over her and was held in place by suspender-esque apparati. It was beyond brilliant... in case you missed it/need to revisit the exquisiteness of her pun craftwomanship, here they are again...
Oh. My. God. I was not expecting that. When she told me that she had a whole production number, I guess I grossly underestimated how serious she was about that. There was a fog machine involved. There was also a fan involved. On top of that, there was a makeshift mast of a suggested ocean liner. All I'll say is that after seeing Laura, I see no need to ever see Celine Dion live, because I doubt Celine even holds a candle to her. It was amazing.
Love this gal. LOVE her. I remember the first time I met her was at an open mic... I was doing my bit about my one-eyed ex, who just so happened to go to the same Musical Theatre school that she attended. After my set, she immediately asked me if it was about him. That was the day that I realized, one-eyed guys who go to school for musical theatre aren't as abundant and anonymous as I thought. Whatevs.
In the past, I've barely been able to hold it together when she comes on. I was the hottest, giggling tranny mess YET with this one. Holy shit... it was amazing. Even more amazing than her Jodie Foster from the first one, if y'can believe that.
You just simply haven't lived if you haven't seen her. She's just an absolute master class about what comedy is about... she's got a wealth of new material about how she gave her father a kidney that absolutely had everyone crapping their pants in laughter - and without Activia yogurt, if you can believe it.
Who: Indian teenager who, at just under 2 feet tall, stands as the world's smallest human being!!!!! She suffers from a form of dwarfism called achondroplasia, but she'd hardly call it suffering. She fancies herself the fiercest tranny mess this side of Delhi: "I am proud of being small. I love all the attention I get. I'm not scared of being small and I don't regret it." She attends normal high school but sits at a special tiny person desk, writes with tiny person instruments, eats with tiny person utensils and so on and so on and so on. Apparently she's a mini celebrity (pun dutifully intended) in her home town and is poised to be releasing an album later this year... well, fuck... if Meagan Taylor can do it, anyone can...
Who: Former beauty queen Tracy-turned-Thomas decided a few moons ago that sh/he wanted to live the dream and become a dude. BUT, call it a hunch, decided to keep hir reproductive organs just in case. As it turns out, Thomas' wife Nancy (whom I believe was not a tranny... like she's not Ned/Nancy... just Nancy) had a hysterectomy and couldn't produce children so la-di-da, Thomas bulked up on hormones and now the happy couple are expecting a bouncing baby girl in a matter of months.