Yes, I'm still obsessed. OBSESSED. I've been basically watching nothing except for G.L.O.W. matches on the y'tube... most notably, this all-out brawl betwixt G.L.O.W. heavyweights Mountain Fiji and Matilda The Hun...
But when I'm not watching G.L.O.W., you can rest assured that I'm watching Idol, and here's my take on last night...
Andrew Lloyd Webber Night - GO!
General Note: Andrew Lloyd Webber is a tickity tock hot tranny mess in the most ferocious, ferocious degree. See below:
I can't believe Sarah Brightman bounced up and down on that for as long as she did - then again, a girls' gotta do what a girls' gotta do to make it in this business... and if anyone knows that, it's me. So yes, I'd hit it. If I had to. IRREGARDLESS - during an Idol post-mortem with Yerxa, it was remarked how A.) hideously trannylicious Andrew Lloyd Webber's visage is and B.) how lovely his songbook is. It was then discussed that t'is a pity A.L.W. couldn't write his face, because again, it's busted sumpthin' fierce. It was then brought up what exactly is with that extra 'L' in "Lloyd", to which a conclusion was never reached.I'm happy I could basically provide you with the minutes of our conversation there. Fuck. What am I saying? Alright... pressing on...
Syesha - or as I've taken to calling her, YeYe - did well tonight and it's not at all surprising that she did. Since the on-set of this whole she-bag, she's made no bones about touting herself as an "Actress/Singer" multi-hyphenate, so all logic suggested that this would be a week she'd lend herself to pretty comfortably. I didn't think she was amazing by any means, but she didn't make me wince in agony - a feeling I'd become all too acquainted with very shortly... Anyballs... it's a good thing YeYe got to last this long and showcase this skill set - if, for some ungodly reason, she goes home after that, it'll be about the highest note she could've hoped to go out on all season. And I think she can safely bet on a future in regional musical theatre - Deena in the Willamette Players' production of "Dreamgirls"... Mimi in the Schenectady Operatic Society's production of "Rent"... perhaps even as Shug Avery in the current North American tour of "The Colour Purple" - stopping over right here in Toronto in February, c/o Mirvish Productions (shameful company plug).I think people are kind of cooling over Jason Castro - I'm totally not, though. Nope. I'm totally still buyin' what he's sellin'. "Memory" was a bit of an odd choice now wasn't it... on top of that, Jason had no idea of the context and when he said "I didn't know it was sung by a cat.", I totally went "awww". I think it's quite commendable that Jason's managed to sift through the competition with as minuscule of an instrument he has in his voice virtually unnoticed by the audience based on his ability to make the material his own... because LOOOORRRRD knows, he ain't no Betty Buckley. At any rate - he did a pleasant enough job warbling through a performance that probably tended to be on the uncomfortable side of things more than the sincere side of things. He's still an effin' babe, though.
Miss Brooke White... Yeah...
If ya missed that, Brooke fucked up. HUGEcore. She started, flubbed the lyrics, then started again. After the dust settled, and Paula had concluded her Nyquill-drenched judgement, Brooke mentioned something very interesting - "That's the first time I've ever done that on this show". Yeah. That's the first time ANYONE'S ever done that on this show. In the history of Idol - people have fudge lyrics (it actually happened twice more this particular episode, with Archuleta and Carly) but NEVER have they called for a restart. Okay okay okay... it's not like Brooke committed murder or anything, but on American Idol and particularly at this stage of the game, that sort of thing is absolutely unacceptable. If Fantasia Barrino - who was illiterate at the time she competed and eventually won - was able to learn her songs PHONETICALLY and not only remember all her lyrics but deliver them to magical result each and every time... yeah, there are no excuses baby, sorry. Anyballs... after that, Brooke desperately and nervously delivered the rest of the song and I squirmed in m'seat uncomfortably. On the plus side: good for Brooke for picking a song that didn't exactly have any vocal powerhouse previously attached to it... although, in Madonna's defense - SHE COULD REMEMBER THE LYRICS, BITCH!
If Phil Collins, Richard Marx and Michael Bolton were engaged in a real-life version of "Three Men & A Baby" in the late 80's, surely that baby would have grown up to be David Archuleta. Arch sufficiently High School Musical-ized "Think of Me" in typically Arch style. It was fine. He totally fucked up the lyrics though... but who cares?! HE'S SO CHERUBIC!!! I have to imagine a lot of people lost money when they bet he'd do "Any Dream Will Do" from Joseph... I know that's what I had him pegged for...
I pity Carly Smithson at this point. Bitch could get up on the stage in a lab coat, mix a bunch of chemicals together, blast out a note-for-note perfect rendition of "The Greatest Love of All" and cure cancer by the last phrase and the most she'd get out of the judges is "not my favourite performance, but good". UMMM, HI - she was fucking AWESOME last night. I was clapping to the beat, that's all I'm sayin'. Thank Christ A.W.L. talked her out of doing that sleeping Phantom bullshit and into "Superstar" - it was awe-inspiring. Poor Carly. Poor, poor Carly. Luckily for her, America seems to be listening with their own ears so I don't think she has too much to worry about...Closing off was David Cook with "Music of the Night". As all those pseudo-rockers do, David got his start in musical theatre so this is gonna be a piece of cake. Some curious B-Roll footage off the top showing A.L.W. school David in the 'sexuality' of the song "Grasp It / Sense it / My great big skanky British Uncut co-ooooock-I MEAN-The Muuuuuusic of the Niiiiiiiiiiiight..." - anyway... David started too low, again. It was rough, again. He ended on an unnecessary, screechy money note, again - because if he doesn't, it means it's not a David Cook creation. And naturally, the judges ate the shit up like he just cured the cancer that Carly did.
Going -
At this point, the David's are anointed from the supreme being itself. Given her placement in the order of the night and the sheer, inarguable bombast of her performance, methinks Carly separated herself from the rest of the underachieving herd to land in tonight's top 3 as well.
That leaves... Syesha will be in the bottom 3 because she always is, but for the first time in her entire run, she actually gave people a reason to vote for her, so I'd feel more confidant predicting her staying than going. Castro served up more of the same with a side order of discomfort and disorientation which won't bode well for him. Brooke was just a disaster. After watching it back, I don't think her performance was as pity-inducing as it was just plain uncomfortable to watch. That, and I think people are kind of 'over' Brooke at this point... however, I'm not sure if anyone was ever 'under' Syesha in the first place... whatevs - the safe money's on Brooke going, but again, who the balls knows.
That's it.
Oh, and Star Jones is getting divorced. Wasn't getting married and the circus that went along with that what cost you your career and credibility but oh well, at least you could say "I've still got my marriage"? Hmmm... well, sucks to be you, Star Jones.
That's it. Officially.
- Aj Christ Superstar
Who: (This is the long and short of it) Yale art student who's caused a firestorm of controversy over the past week when it was announced that her senior art project was going to consist of her giving herself a drawn-out, self-inflicted abortion assisted by supposed "herbal abortifacient" or some shit... the presentation of this art project - I guess you could call it large-scale installation performance art, if you were a douchebag that wanted to actually dignify this ludicrous howl for attention as an artform - would take the form of her showing video shot over the 9 month period (no pun intended) that she was pregnant, slowly but surely inducing this miscarriage, and painting blocks suspended from the ceiling with the blood of her miscarriage mixed with Vaseline.
She absolutely killed it - no easy feat being first at the Salad. My favourite bit of Von Hagen's is easily the one she does about the three varieties of her boyfriend's friends... "There are the ones you hate. The ones who hate you. And the one's you want to sleep with." So true, so true.
Dana can probably lay claim to having the set on The Salad when, on the second installment, she absolutely destroyed. Like beat it to death. Sidebar: it's absolutely mystifying why, in comedy, the terminology used to describe how well or how poorly you did is all in deathspeak... I couldn't tell ya why, but it just is. "I killed it"... "I died up there"... weird. Whatevs -
I didn't get a picture with her then and there and that DESTROYS me as she had a very special addition to her segment: a makeshift newsdesk that slipped over her and was held in place by suspender-esque apparati. It was beyond brilliant... in case you missed it/need to revisit the exquisiteness of her pun craftwomanship, here they are again...
Oh. My. God. I was not expecting that. When she told me that she had a whole production number, I guess I grossly underestimated how serious she was about that. There was a fog machine involved. There was also a fan involved. On top of that, there was a makeshift mast of a suggested ocean liner. All I'll say is that after seeing Laura, I see no need to ever see Celine Dion live, because I doubt Celine even holds a candle to her. It was amazing.
Love this gal. LOVE her. I remember the first time I met her was at an open mic... I was doing my bit about my one-eyed ex, who just so happened to go to the same Musical Theatre school that she attended. After my set, she immediately asked me if it was about him. That was the day that I realized, one-eyed guys who go to school for musical theatre aren't as abundant and anonymous as I thought. Whatevs.
In the past, I've barely been able to hold it together when she comes on. I was the hottest, giggling tranny mess YET with this one. Holy shit... it was amazing. Even more amazing than her Jodie Foster from the first one, if y'can believe that.
You just simply haven't lived if you haven't seen her. She's just an absolute master class about what comedy is about... she's got a wealth of new material about how she gave her father a kidney that absolutely had everyone crapping their pants in laughter - and without Activia yogurt, if you can believe it.
Who: Indian teenager who, at just under 2 feet tall, stands as the world's smallest human being!!!!! She suffers from a form of dwarfism called achondroplasia, but she'd hardly call it suffering. She fancies herself the fiercest tranny mess this side of Delhi: "I am proud of being small. I love all the attention I get. I'm not scared of being small and I don't regret it." She attends normal high school but sits at a special tiny person desk, writes with tiny person instruments, eats with tiny person utensils and so on and so on and so on. Apparently she's a mini celebrity (pun dutifully intended) in her home town and is poised to be releasing an album later this year... well, fuck... if Meagan Taylor can do it, anyone can...
Who: Former beauty queen Tracy-turned-Thomas decided a few moons ago that sh/he wanted to live the dream and become a dude. BUT, call it a hunch, decided to keep hir reproductive organs just in case. As it turns out, Thomas' wife Nancy (whom I believe was not a tranny... like she's not Ned/Nancy... just Nancy) had a hysterectomy and couldn't produce children so la-di-da, Thomas bulked up on hormones and now the happy couple are expecting a bouncing baby girl in a matter of months.
