Happy MLK Day!

Yep. Or whatever...

Apparently it's Martin Luther King (Jr.) day in the states today. Which is why a number of websites I frequent daily are featuring 0.0 updates. And that's heartbreaking. Not as heartbreaking as the tragic assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., mind you... but heartbreaking just the same...

Something NOT heartbreaking... well, I guess kind of heartbreaking to the bitch it's happening to, BUT NOT FOR ME --- is this article I've been giggling like a lunatic since I read about it via Dlisted last night....

Okay. Here's the long and short of it:

Over the weekend a story broke out of somewhere in suburban Michigan. It seems that in a peaceful neighborhood called Lindy Lane, there's an evil gal named Jean Mansel. "Evil Jean", as she will henceforth be known, has 4 wiener dogs who are apparently, gargantuan crap factories.

It seems that Evil Jean refuses to pick up her dog's dung, which understandably upsets the neighbors. It also seems that Evil Jean boasts a huge concrete statue of Jesus in her front yard, an apparent heirloom given to her grandfather, or perhaps, an apostle himself. This is only speculation.

Anyway - the neighbors had just about ENOUGH of Evil Jean's dung distribution and her obvious God complex and so they banded together and did what anyone with half a brain and half a ballsack would do - they kidnapped her assfucking Jesus statue and are holding it hostage 'til bitch smartens her ass up and picks up her daaaayumn dog shit!

The ransom note - oh yes, there was a ransom note - contains the absolute quote of the century...

"We are holding Jesus ransom until you clean up the poopie from your wieners"

Oh yes. What's more - that is the VERY FIRST LINE of the ransom note. That phrase alone has had me busting out into sporadic fits of HYSTERICAL laughter all fucking morning. Wow.

Honestly, I just re-read it and full-blown cackled for 5 minutes... this is nuts.

Anyway... I've been following this story closely since it broke, and it turns out that all's well that ends well - Jesus has been returned to Evil Jean and the culprit turned out to be 'a family member'. The family Mansel are dealing with this privately and are not expected to press charges.

Poopie. I wanted this to drag on for days. I wanted concrete appendages sent to them until every last bit of canine fecal matter had been removed. Then, I wanted additional demands. Like for the entire Mansel clan to be forced into performing an elaborate Hula-burlesque show on their front lawn. GAH!

Holy balls. I've been laughing so hard all morning I feel like I'm going to vomit. I can't handle this. It's just so unbelievable to me that the word "poopie" gets me now more than it could have possibly gotten me betwixt the ages of 6 and 13. Fuck. Wow...

Anyway, that's it for today.

Happy MLK Day,

We shall overcome,

--- Aj

Bitch I Loved, Bitch I Hated, & Song of the Week!

D'afternoon to y' and y'rs...

I can't even tell you the hell that I am in right now. And the administrator of this hell? Bell fucking Canada. Yep. My phone broke the other day - it's TOTALLY a software issue but they claim that it's water damage. WHICH IS BULLSHIT. Yes, I'm sure that there's the odd time I've yakked momentarily on m'phone in a drizzle or some shit - but I didn't drop the shit in the toilet or anything!

So I'm up in one of those Bell Kiosks at Yonge & Bloor and I go up to two diminutive Asian girls who couldn't have been more than 25 - but then again, with Asian girls you never know... they could have fucking been well into their 60's for all I know... Asian girls look young is what I'm saying... grrr... anyballs - I'm in there and tell them that my phone has just petered out completely... it was gradual, but now it won't turn on... that's when she speculates "okay, it's probably a software issue"... then, lo and behold, she flips open the back, sees this rose coloured dot and says "ahh... water damaged". Then I'm like "oh, okay... whatever... well it's under warranty". Then she informs me that "warranty doesn't cover water damage".

My eyes went white. I transformed into a motherfucking Blitzkrieg.

For about the next 10 minutes I stood there screaming and swearing furiously at these two mild-mannered Asian girls. At one point this one bitch, Teisha was her name, says "yeah, sir, I understand you're frustration over this but I'm going to need to ask you to watch your language"... OH SHIT, NO YOU DI'IN'T BITCH.

I looked her square in the face and said "Honey, you're being paid handsomely for this shit. You can deal with it." During particularly heated moments, I do have the tendency to launch into my sassy black female alter-ego Shoshonya or LaQuesta or whatever-the-shit, as per evidenced above... I have to imagine that it must be pretty difficult to take seriously... no matter...

I stormed out there yelling "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS BULLSHIT"... annnnd I have to fucking go back today... that's right - to get me old phone - an LG flip with a green fucking screen... WHICH, by the way, ALSO HAS "WATER DAMAGE" but the shit works FINE! Fuck...

Anyway - in about an hours time there will be some very unlucky Bell clerk who's in for a whole 'nutha round of me. Hell hath remotely no fury like a bitchy queen scorned.

Moving on...

BITCH(ES) I LOVE THIS WEEK

Julie Klausner & Jackie Clarke


Who: Klausner: NYC-based writer/actor/comedian/visual artist and one half of comedy duo, Julie & Jackie. Clarke: NYC-based writer/comedian/actor and other half of comedy duo, Julie & Jackie. Both, helmers of one of the most brilliant things I've ever seen, "Welcome To Our House", and my current obsession.
Why I Love Them: I cannot articulate in English words how brilliant these two are. Holy fuck. If they are not huge stars in a year, something is fucked up in the universe. Check this shit out:

Did that just blow your mind as it did mine? I'm requesting them to see if I can screen it at the next Bitch Salad... holy fuck... I NEED to meet these two...

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

Tom Cruise

Who, What AND Why I Hate Him: I'm sure everyone's seen this. It's supposed to be a recruitment video for internal use only of Tom Cruise using his star power to coerce morons to join the church of Scientology. Apparently it really wasn't meant for non-Thetan eyes. Oh well, that plan went to shit this week when it leaked and effectively rocketed 18 more nails into Tom Cruise's career. Yeah... he's kind of out of control now... he's been so thoroughly brainwashed, it's just over. He honestly believes he is like the Moses of Scientology. There's just no going back. Anyway... for having his head so far up his ass, Tom Cruise is the Bitch I hate this week.

SONG OF THE WEEK

If I have but one thing to say about it, 2008 will be the year of Frank Stallone. Well, he might have to share the honours with Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke, but he'll fucking be up there.

Frank, obviously Sylvester's brother, is easily one of the hottest bitches alive. A pseudo-actor and a pseudo-singer, his biggest hit was the 1984 smash hit and song that must haunt the wet dreams of every Solid Gold dancer who ever was, "Far From Over". It was from the entirely unexceptional sequel to Saturday Night Fever, entitled Stayin' Alive, and is currently burnin' up my iPod like you wouldn't believe.

If you don't leap out of your seat and start jazzercising when you hear this, there IS something wrong with you...

Download/Listen to it HERE!

I'm off to bitch slap someone at a Bell kiosk...

Ta,

--- Aj

That "Celebrity Couple Bio-Pic" Blog

Oooh-Wee T-Shane,

TGIF... gonna have some fun, show you how it's done, TGIF! YES! I remember there was a time that I honestly looked forward to ABC's Friday night TGIF lineup that included, but was not limited to: "Full House", "Family Matters", "Boy Meets World", "Perfect Strangers", "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch", "Mr. Belvedere", "Step By Step" and a slew of other shows with theme songs penned by the incomparable Jesse Frederick.

Jesus... I watched so much TV as a kid that it's a wonder my eyeballs didn't melt a-la the people of Hiroshima upon first glance at the erupting A-Bomb. So I'm told.

Anyballs... my interest and curiosity was piqued this past week when mine eyes gazed upon this headline: "Courtney Love Wants Ryan Gosling, Scarlett Johansson for Cobain Biopic". Hmm. Really? Well. Isn't that something.

Apparently there's a biopic called "Heavier Than Heaven" in the works, and it's all about the tumultuous years that Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain were together. Apparently Courtney's desperate for Scarlett to play her and has sent the contract and is on her ass every day. Apparently Kirsten Dunst was supposed to play her first, but that decision was reconsidered on account of, oh I dunno, KIRSTEN DUNST SUCKS BALLS AND NO ONE LIKES HER!!! Apparently Courtney plans to be on set constantly schooling Scarlett in the realism of the scenarios...

Yeah. Apparently Courtney Love is outta her crazy ass mind. Scarlett Johansson? Someone really overestimates themself. It's exactly what I was talking about a year and a half ago when I cast my friends and family in the story of my life. So many people were like "Joaquin Phoenix should play me! Kate Beckinsale should play me!" And I was like "uhhh... no."

Oscar nominees Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Gosling? Yeah. Try the recently deceased Brad Renfro and super-mess Natasha Lyonne...

THAT is more like it. A triumph in casting, if I do say so myself. Well, it couldn't actually happen, what with Brad being, y'know dead and all, but still. What could have been would have been magical.

But why stop there - in the inevitable Whitney & Bobby biopic, High School Musical stars Monique Coleman and Corbin Bleu!

In the eagerly anticipated Roseanne and Tom Arnold biopic, Hairspray sweetheart Nikki Blonsky and Superbad cut-up Jonah Hill!

In the sure-to-be-momentous biopic about the life and times of Brangelina, Brad Pitt as himself and me as Angie Jo-Jo...

It's going to be a nightmare casting those kids. God, the casting director of "The Sound of Music" had it easy compared to what we have in store for us - am I right? Oh, ha, yes, that's rich.

In the absolutely imminent Britney & KFed biopic, a three-parter...

Playing them from Pre- to Post- adolescence, Hannah Montana herself Miley Cyrus and in his big screen debut, current bad-ass it-boy Corey Worthington...

Playing them in what I affectionately refer to as 'the trainwreck years' - the golden age we're currently in the thick of - are two bonafide trainwrecks themselves, Z-List party-girl Tara Reid and professional douchebag Jesse Metcalfe...

And playing them in their later years - and yes, I am being wildly optimistic that Britney will ride out 2008 without committing suicide - Knotts Landing star and someone I have to imagine chants "mirror, mirror on the wall, whose face is most busted of them all" Joan Van Ark, and the most enigmatic man on the face of the planet Gary "Juicy" Busey...

That's gonna be it for today.

Bitches I Loved/Hated This Week tomorry. And song of the week, too - and let me tell ya, it's a fuckin' doozy.

Have a great weekend!

--- Aj

Antici... ... ... ... -Pation!

Friends & Friends of friends,

Happy Thursday to you! I'm feeling usually energized today and surprisingly refreshed. It might have something to do with the fact that I actually managed to scrounge up a whopping 7 minutes of sleep last night, which is just shocking. SHOCKING.

It's no doubt supplemented by the fact that I got to watch American Idol last night for the first time this season. Yeah. The audition episodes. Whoa. It takes a lot of patience, patience that I don't always have. And while the talent is far from exceptional based on what we've seen this season, some of the bad auditions are still not without their charm.

I actually laughed quite heartily at that one incredibly subdued girl whose name completely escapes me that sang Celine Dion's "If You Asked Me To". It was just ballistically bad and totally honest without being annoying - and hilarious. My God. Not Joan Hawaii, P.I. hilarious, but hilarious just the same.

Aaaanyballs, here are precisely three things that I am quaking with anticipation for:

1.) THE LATEST AURAL OFFERING FROM JANET JACKSON

Pictured to the left, to the left - the cover of Janet Jackson's upcoming 9th studio album (I'm counting "Diamonds", not "Design of a Decade", btw for all you purists out there), entitled "Discipline". You can easily gather all of this as both Janet, her name, and Discipline, the album's title, are smeared across her gloves in what I presume to be litres of jizz.

Blarg. I guess I like it. I like the whole kind of "taking dirty Polaroids at 3 AM in a motel room" lighting scheme of it. I'm a little over the BDSM wardrobe theme, though. It's a little Madonna's-video-for-"Human Nature" for me, which is in itself, SOOOO 1995. But yeah. I'll buy this shit fo sho'. I effin' LOVE that single "Feedback", and early reviews suggest that it's full of a slew of club-bangers with her signature stacked harmonies - it looks like Miss Jackson finally got into her head that the whispery, aimless mid-tempo garbage that have characterized her last two efforts simply do not work. Anyway - CAN'T WAIT!!!

2.) SEX & THE CITY: THE MOVIE

I'm looking SUPER forward to this. I can't even fucking tell you. There has been a void in my soul since S&TC went off the air that has been quivering like a horse's mouth immediately before it makes contact with its oates or barley or whatever the fuck horse's eat.

Apparently this movie is supposed to be Part 1 of a trilogy - which is SUCH an exciting notion. I mean, fingers crossed that the bitches can keep they jowls from hitting da ground before a third film would be completed years from now, but yeah, a trilogy would be awesome.

You may recall a blog I did a while ago detailing my wish list of characters from the S&TC six-season run that I hope to see in the big-screen adaptation and according to imdb.com, My #4 AND #5 - Bitsy Von Muffling-Fine and Magda, respectively - will indeed be back. I'm still holding out for Lexi Featherstone. Maybe in the sequel.

Anyway, May 30 seems pretty close. Especially considering that they're still filming, as per evidenced by THESE RED-HOT PAPARAZZI SHOTS OF JASON LEWIS-AKA-SMITH JERROD NAKED, BUGALOOING ON THE BEACH WITH SAMANTHA... click HERE to see them. They're obviously NSWF. Annnnyway... what these mean is that they're still doing principal photography, so May 30th seems a little soon for a feature film to be in the can. Especially considering the extensive CGI effects they'll need to apply to Kim Cattrall's cellulite...

I really want/NEED that bathing suit. She might as well have been wearing an old-tymey one piece swimming trunk... fuck...

3.) THE LATEST AURAL OFFERING BY MARIAH CAREY

Also dropping an album very shortly? Miss Mariah Standby-a Carey is who!

Entitled "THAT CHICK", this is reportedly the cover art for the album.

What the fuck is she holding? Is that a record or a Zorro hat? I haven't the foggiest.

I loves me some Mariah Carey. I have every album of hers. Starting with her self-titled debut, "Mariah Carey", on cassette tape back in 1990 all the way up to 2005's "Emancipation of Mimi". Including the soundtrack to "Glitter", which is not half bad at all. I might even so far as to call it good. You know what? I'm just gonna fucking go for broke and deem it as GREAT, actually. Baaanyballs, as everyone knows, Mariah was somewhat of a lost cause after a fit of unusual antics and complete 'mental and physical breakdown' of 2001 (which, looking back, really pales in comparison with the rollercoaster that is Britney Spears of late), and the mighty hit-maker and voice of the 90's seemed destined to be put out to pasture for the rest of her days.

Then a little song called "It's Like That" completely gave everyone in the universe a huge boner. Consequently, another little song called "We Belong Together" stroked everyone's boner to a huge climax, became Mariah's 17th #1 record, the #1 song of the year for 2005 and just like that, Mimi was back on top. May it never end.

For serious - One more #1 and she ties Elvis for the runner-up spot of arists with the most #1's. Three more, and she ties The Beatles. FOUR more and she BEATS The mothafuckin' Beatles, y'all. And it's TOTALLY gonna happen. MUAHAHAHA! Ooooohhhhh snap.

In other news:

Yeah. This guy "came out".

His name is Adamo Ruggiero and he plays the gay dude on Degrassi. I've never seen an episode of Degrassi, but I'm aware of him somewhere in my unconscious for some reason. Probably random previews for Degrassi that have been on commercials on CTV during my primetime viewing and seeing him say some shit like "Accept me!" or something.

Anyway - apparently news broke or something and he came out. Hmmm. This is kind of like when Nathan Lane came out... by my estimation, anyway. 'Cuz girrrl, I seen this queen out at gay places f'yeeears. I just assumed everyone knew. Anyway.

Kudos to him for coming out and being on a CTV show. CTV isn't exactly renowned for bolstering too many queer public personalities in its stable. Well, at least not queer personalities that aren't in the closet... *hub-hub-hub-strawberry-rhubarb-whisper-whisper*... MmmmmmmmmmHmmmmmmmmm... anyway...

That's gonna be it for today.

I think.

Yeah,

--- Aj

Big Whoop! Who Gives A Bibble? Gabba Gabba Hey!

Heya monkeys,

Sorry about not posting yesterday. I was up to my ears in filing and had to race to Rivoli last night as I made my debut hosting the SketchComedyLounge! It was great - a ton of people came out, and after a somewhat frigid start, the ball got rolling... PRECISELY when I brought up HeLLga from American Gladiators. The people love HeLLga. What can I say?

As such, I didn't get to watch American Idol last night and that's heartbreaking. I swear to fuck I've been racing around so much lately that I have three episodes of The View and the two-hour premiere of Idol to catch up on, and I just don't know how the balls Imma do it. Anyway... onto something -anything- more interesting...

1.) GETTIN' WIIG-GY WITH IT

Radar Magazine has a lenghty interview with one of my favourite people in the known universe, Kristen Wiig - the latest breakout star of Saturday Night Live.

It's kind of boring. I was so excited to read it because I was like "YES! A WINDOW INTO HER BRAIN! AWESOME!", but yeah. It's just kind of uneventful chit chat.

She talks about her scene-stealin' role in Knocked Up, being the recipient of Justin Timberlake's "Dick In A Box" and of course, the genesis of Penelope - remaining very tight-lipped about the real-life inspiration for her...

" [She's] someone nobody would ever know. She's obviously not as bad as Penelope, but she had a tendency to one-up me all the time, and whenever I would talk about it to other people, I would end up using that voice and really exaggerating it."

Hmmm. The only thing that made me laugh was this quote, about a character that she really loves but always bombed:

"There was this one character that I did at the Groundlings who I kept trying to bring to life in rehearsals called Joan Hawaii, P.I. She was this Hawaiian detective and everything she did was related to Hawaii. She always drank pineapple juice, and had macadamia nut bullets in her gun. I don't know why, but I just thought it was funny. I tried it once in a show, but it never worked."

I can just fucking picture it and I love it. If/when SNL is back on the air, DO JOAN HAWAII, P.I.!!!!!!!! I AM NOT GOING TO REST UNTIL I SEE JOAN HAWAII, P.I.!!!!!

2.) THE SMURFS TURN 50

Yep. Nigh-on 50 years ago an eccentric and what-I-assume-to-be tiny, almost miniature Belgian Man named Pierre Culliford invented a race of blue forest-dwelling elves called "The Smurfs" - originally Les Schtroumpfs in French.

Of note about the Smurfs: They subbed in the word "Smurf" for any word they damn well pleased, and their population was almost entirely male. Which the load that Smurfette's tiny, blue smurfgina had to bear almost unbearable. Seriously, that bitch needed to service the entire fucking Smurf village - Papa Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Brainy Smurf... with the only relief/alternative provided by Vanity Smurf's smurfhole.

Anyballs, in tribute to the Smurfs, here's a brilliant parody they did of them and 'The Anna Nicole Show' a few years back on SNL...

3.) MALIBU CONTINUES REIGN AS HOTTEST BITCH ALIVE

I was turned onto this. It's amazing. It's Malibu from American Gladiators. Talking about his injury. If there ever needs to be a textbook definition or canon of "Douchebag, circa the early 90's", look no further than this man...

Absolutely amazing. Most excellent, even.

K... that's it for me today... major Idol-related blog coming later this week...

Love & Light,

--- Aj

Brenda Dickson Fever Rages On...

Happy Monday, monkeys...

So, was anyone one of the dozen or so people who tuned into the Golden Globes' "announcement" last night? It both really sucked and was awesome at the same time. It was awesome because it was a no-muss, no-fuss rundown of the winners in each category. It sucked because it was done Access Hollywood-style.

I thought this meant that it'd be done by celebrities on flashy sound stages looking into camera - Access Hollywood-style. Unfortunately, that actually meant Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell would be officiating the entire fucking thing. Boo-Urns. After every single award was given they'd transparently rue and lament the others who they believed to be in the running who just fucking weren't... "And the Golden Globe goes to Julie Christie for "Away From Her"... wow Nancy, what do you make of that?" "I don't know Billy. I really thought Jodie Foster had a shot. And who could forget Angelina Jolie in 'A Mighty Heart'. She used an accent!"

Anyway. Everything broke down as per expected. Daniel Day Lewis & Johnny Depp in Lead Actor... DDL has been predicted to take the Oscar for months now, with Depp a close but distinct second... Julie Christie & Marion Cotillard in Lead Actress (BORING)... again, they've been predicted to be neck & neck for ages now... And Javier Bardem and Cate Blanchett have been locks for ages... I haven't seen Atonement, but I've heard that it's the most fantastically boring pile of shit ever made...

The real delight and surprise of the night was Tina Fey's win for "30 Rock" - pretty much the only reason I wish that the ceremony had been aired. Her acceptance speech would have diamond-encrusted gold, let me tell ya. Does anyone fucking watch that show? It's brilliant-SHE'S brilliant. This past week there was a storyline in which her character, Liz Lemon, is trying to buy a condo and has to go up against the co-op board of this stuffy building and sublimely fucks up the interview. After not hearing from them, she gets drunk by herself and starts drunk dialing them and leaving them messages a-la a freshly-dumped woman calling her ex-lover, each more hilarious than the last.

There was a tie for my favourite: her fourth call she's lying on her bathroom floor crying, drunk off her ass and yelling into the phone, "I am going to the hospital now! Are you happy?!"... I've totally been there before. Holy shit. The other, it's 7 AM, she's moved away from white wine to red wine, she's on a treadmill (I've been exactly there before) leaving her final message: "That's fine. Who needs ya. I'm buying a bunch of other apartments now. I bought a black apartment..." --- OHMYGODBRILLIANT.

Trivia: Did you know that Tina Fey's win was the LONE broadcast television winner of the night. All the other Globes went to cable shows. Isn't that something. Hmmm....

Anyballs... moving on to faaaar more important matters...

Yesterday, I received a facebook wall post by my best girlfriend, Mike "Mitch" Lenic, alerting me to Brenda Dickson's official site.

It seems that there has been a rather monumental update in Brenda's video section where she updates her legions of fans about her coming's, going's and perhaps most importantly, doing's.

Starting things off on a still show of the picture to the right by saying "Ah, this couch is so comfortable", she easily had me at 'hello'.

This is not a joke. Behold: http://www.brendadickson.com/brendaback.html

Yeah. Brenda Dickson does not have an 'off' switch. Her frequency is constantly set to "ultra-glamorous". This woman is just magnificent.

And that's not even the greatest thing that I've seen all weekend...

Remember in Friday's blog, when I named American Gladiatrix HELLGA as the Bitch I Loved This Week?

Well... it seems that someone of note read it...

AHHHHH!!! I don't think I could have asked for a more awesomely random celebrity to have read my blog and what I had to say about her than HELLGA. YES!

Notice that she thanks and compliments me yet also threatens me in the same breath? Why? BECAUSE THAT'S HOW FUCKING BAD-ASS SHE IS!!! AHHHHH!!!!

Anyway... I'd take a myspace message from HeLLga over a phone call from Britney Spears swearing at me in a British accent annnyday...

Tasty,

--- Aj

An endorsement...

Much like Oprah Winfrey and her endorsement of Senator Barack Obama in the current United States Presidential race, I rarely endorse things unless I really, really, really believe in them.

Particularly youtube 'parodies'. It's maybe once every two blue moons that I find something on the y'tube that actually tickles my fancy.

Well, muffins, I found something. HO-LY-FUCK, is all I can say.

I had never seen or heard hide nor hair of this until last night when I was turned onto it by a current quasi-paramour of mine...

Of course everyone has seen the epic Camcorder masterpiece "Welcome To My Home", an instructional guide circa 1987 to health, beauty and glamour by superfox Brenda Dickson. But for some reason no one (or not enough people) have been enlightened to this BRILLIANT parody by two dyyyynamite broads named Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke entitled "Welcome To Our House"... man alive this shit is funny...

Kudos ladies, kudos.

There's also a second part on "Exhusize". Man, if this isn't grounds for getting them up at SNL, I don't know what is.

Anyway,

Happy Saturday!

--- Aj