That Hairspray Blog (pronounced: Hurrr-schpray)

Try as you might, you can't stop the beat.

I learned that lesson the hard way when o'er the weekend, I took in a viewing of the latest and greatest Hollywood musical tour-de-force, Hairspray.

LOVED IT!

For real. I spent the entire hour and 40 minutes with the most unrelenting half-moon smile on m'face and tap in m'toe. It was just fantastic. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen an hour and a half zip by at that pace since the harrowing hour and a half I was held hostage by neo-pirates off the coast of Madagascar. I preferred Hairspray to that.

Being a huge John Waters fan for quite sometime, I was all-too familiar with the original film from 1988 starring Ricki Lake as Tracy, drag-queen extraordinaire Divine, Debbie Harry, Sonny Bono, Jerry Stiller, Pia Zadora, Rick Okasek from "The Cars", Ruth Brown, "Smile" and "Graduation" songstress Vitamin C - the list goes on, really it does.

It seemed natural that the film would lend itself to the Broadway stage - and sister, did it ever. The songs were crack. I think I listened to the OBCR 4 hours a day for two weeks or something. Helping matters in this case were the sublime talents of [eventual Tony winners] Marisa Jaret Winokur as Tracy and Harvey Fierstien as Edna. I never saw the Broadway show, but saw it's sister Toronto production which American Idol season 2 castoff Vanessa Olivarez starred in. And where the hell is she now?

No matter - I remember almost putting money on the fact that Hairspray: The Musical: The Movie would suck as I thought it was a very straight-up musical in which when people stop the dramatic action to sing songs, they do just that. It wasn't like Chicago, or to a much lesser extent Dreamgirls, in that the songs could be staged as fantasty sequences or take place as a performance within the movie itself - so I was understandably iffy about the whole affair.

Well I'm happy to say that I was surprisingly wrong about it - because the shit rocked. I figured I'd use a new feature in my blog to make my individual comments about the performances called PICTOQUATIONS.

Amanda Bynes as Penny Pingleton...


Yeah. I'd have to say if there was one glaring weak link in this she-bang, it was the Bynes-ter. She acted the part fine, but couldn't dance to save her life and if ever she sang, it sounded as-if not-more digitally altered than any offering by Britney Spears... and WHAT WAS WITH HER GETTING DARKER THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE! Honestly, bitch was getting darker and darker and darker as time marched on.

I will give Bynes props for one thing though: as any white sista knows when they meet a brotha, there's this one look that you give them as if to say "ohhh shit... mama like" - kinda like pinpointing the exact moment you contract jungle fever - and as someone who's been there a time or two, I can say yes, Ms. Bynes handled that moment respectably.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Velma Von Tussle


The only other almost-weak link was Michelle Pfeiffer would could barely sing her way out of a paper bag... luckily her ability to vamp it up would slash through that back and set the shit on fiyah. She was very entertaining, but yeah, easily could have been outsang/outsung by Paris Hilton.

Zac Efron as Link Larkin


As if I even need to make this comparison with these two pics. But yeah... don't get me wrong, there's something incredibly dreamy about that Efron youngster... nevertheless there's also something incredibly repulsive about him, too. I guess there are worse things than ending up looking like Rob Lowe, though. However, there are also better things.

Queen Latifah as Motormouth Maybelle

Latifah Latifah Latifah... if you'll remember a while back I posted a clip of "You Can't Stop The Beat" that was leaked and noted that Latifah trying to sing the part of Motormouth Maybelle is like Jennifer Lopez trying to sing the part of Elphaba in "Wicked". Overreaching a little bit. Motormouth Maybelle should have been Jennifer Hudson in 20 years... or even 10 years... fuck, even right now. Hudson could play old C'MON! Anyway - it did leave me with sliiiightly more to be desired, but she certainly did the trick.

John Travolta as Edna Turnblad

I was skeptical as all get-out about this one. But this was by far the biggest surprise of the film - Travolta stole the show by underplaying a role normally played by a hyper-aggressive drag queen and TALK ABOUT being lithe - he danced circles around everyone! I certainly can't help but wonder/like to imagine that his former "Look Who's Talking" co-star Kirstie Alley in present form provided some inspiration. Actually, on second though, Kirstie totally should have played Edna. That's the one female casting choice that I not only would have been cool with but preferred.

Nikki Blonsky as Tracy Turnblad

She was adorable is what I'm trying to say. Not that she literally is two kittens cavorting through a grassy knoll... whatever. Anyway - she was indefinitely born to play this role and turned it out. Congrats to her in her first ever film performance! And what I have to assume will be her last ever film performance! Hollywood - not so much brimming at the seams with parts for girls rockin' 5 feet of heigh and 200 pounds of girth. But congrats just the same!

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Exciting news coming later this week!!!

Good morning Baltimore,

--- Aj

I Know Who Killed Lindsay Lohan

Ohhhh Lindsay...

It seems like only yesterday that I went to see "Mean Girls"... Tina Fey's opus supreme about the wilds of life as a teenage girl in this day and age. T'was the coming-of-age film that would herald the graduation of a little-known, freckly child star into buxom, raspy-voiced breakout film star - a little gal from Long Island named Lindsay Dee Lohan.

She showed so much promise to take over Hollywood - with her distinctive voice, oodles of talent, loads of popularity and a voluptuous figure that seemed poised to redefine Hollywood's standards of body image.

I'm reminded that it was very much not yesterday, however. As no. 1.) it was the summer of 2004, the summer between graduation from University and entering 'real life' and that seems like decades ago at this point, and a not-as-significant no. 2.) this is Lindsay Lohan now:

Yesterday marked the second arrest for DUI in the past year for the barely 21-year-old. To make things worse for her: she's fresh off the heels of a stint in rehab that was supposedly so definitive, bitch wore an alcohol-detector ankelet-thing. To make things even worse for her: she was involved in a high-speed car chase in pursuit of her former assistant's mother around the streets of Santa Monica in the wee hours of the morning. To make things worse for the environment: the two cars were SUV's. How very un-green of her and hers.

Actually, there are a lot of things that make this worse for her. It's the opening weekend for her latest film, "I Know Who Killed Me", and all promotional appearances she was scheduled to make have been cancelled/attended to by Rob Schneider in her place. This is the second film thats promotion has suffered because of this, and several projects she's attached to right now have needed to dramatically alter their schedule because of her behaviour of late. Word from Hollywood big wigs is that this string of events is going to make her uninsurable in the future - and if you'ze uninsurable in this business, you'ze done.

On one hand, I feel incredibly sorry for her because she's clearly victim of proven hereditary alcoholism. Yep. Turns out that old addage of "I've got an addictive personality" isn't so much a character trait as it is a genetic disease. Case in point: LiLo's father, Michael, who himself just finished 2 years in the clink/big house/hoozpah/mekonk/chinchanflerb (*note, not all of those are popular slang for prison) for a DUI. More case in point: Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli. That list goes on and on and on.

Beyond whatever genetic predisposition she has to drugs and alcohol, it's clear as day that she's surrounded by 'yes' men and fairweather friends acting solely on the interest of how long they can continue their ride on the rollercoaster ride that is Lindsay Lohan. At the top of this pyramid of bad influences, her mother, Dina "White Oprah" Lohan:
That is the face of a pimp. Straight up, y'all.

What makes me feel considerably less bad and considerably more disturbed about this situation is news that Lindsay has been acting as her own inside source to the paparazzi - tipping them off when and where she's going to be and charging upwards to and including 30 grand for this. So does she like it? Does she, in fact, like the lifestyle she's living?

I don't know man. I think this shit is getting out of control and someone needs to step in. I like to make the analogy of "Will she end up Dana or Drew?" - in that will this whole story wind up like Dana Plato, child actress and star of "Different Strokes" who took one of the heaviest free falls to hell in the history of Hollywood, or Drew Barrymore, child-star and former hardcore partygirl who cleaned herself up and put herself back on the A List. Well A-List at one time, anyway...

Unlike Britney Spears who I've always thought was untalented hobag with a horseshoe up her ass that I actually couldn't care less about in my current human form, I like Lindsay Lohan. I just do. And I'm really, really hoping for a Drew here. But something tells me to not rule out a Dana.

This wasn't a very funny blog at all. Sorry.

"TO CATCH A PREDATOR" IS ON TONIGHT!!! YAY!!!

--- Aj

That Meryl Streep Blog

Cowboys, Indians,

What the fuck is up? T to the G to the I to the F is what.

You know what's fast approaching? The Toronto International Film Festival. A glorious, glorious week in which the biggest stars in the world descend upon this humble berg and dazzle us. DAZZLE us, I say.

The TIFF (as it's affectionately known) has credibility busting out its wazoo, too. It's frequently home to the world premieres of much Oscar Fare - in the past two years we've seen the likes of Brokeback Mountain, Walk The Line and Babel just to name a few unveilled right here in the TDot (I've never understood why people call it that. Can anyone enlighten me?)

Anyway - it's around now that we start to find out what, and more importantly, WHO'S coming to town. If this delicious little item is to be believed, the 2007 TIFF stands to be the greatest one yet. Dykon JODIE FOSTER is coming to town! Thinking-woman's-man MARK RUFFALO is coming to town!

But most paramount of all - MERYL STREEP IS COMING TO TOWN!

Alongside Jake Gyllenhal and Reese Witherspoon blah blah blah for the world premiere of political thriller "Rendition".

I'm not even lying - As much as I'm against this sort of thing with every fibre of my being, I will be down there in the cheering section with hopes as high as the sky that I might get a handshake from La Streep. And I'm going to bet 90-1 that Yerxa will be with me on that.

So in tribute/preparation of Mary Louise Streep's impending visit, today's Top 10 will be my favourite Streep characters of all time.

10.) "YOLONDA JOHNSON" in A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION

Yeah, so no one liked this movie except for me. For real - not a soul that I've ever encountered has anything remotely positive to say about it but I fucking loved it (Lindsay Lohan circa-her bout with Anorexia notwithstanding). As long suspected, Streep has quite a set of pipes on her - did you know that she was actually fighting tooth and nail for the part of Eva in "Evita" and was super-pissed about losing it to Madonna... she actually went on the record bashing Madonna because of it. Anyway - here's her singing "My Minnesota Home" avec Lily Tomlin. May it be in your head for months.

9.) "SUZANNE VALE" in POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE

Foggy memories bubble up that as a kid I always got this movie confused with the Shelley Long-Bette Midler vehicle "Outrageous Fortune" because the poster for that movie had them hanging over a cliff. No matter. In this adaptation of Carrie Fisher's semi-autobiographical novel of the same name, Meryl Streep plays a drug-rattled, on-the-edge actress coming to terms with living in her aging movie queen-mother's shadown, played to perfection by Shirley MacLaine. More singing... it's mainly worth it for Shirley MacLaine's rip-roaring version of "I'm Still Here"... in fact, I think that's the lone reason why this movie was mentioned in this countdown at all... I'm such an asshole.

8.) Combo: SUSAN ORLEAN in ADAPTATION and CLARISSA VAUGHAN in THE HOURS

I clumped these two together not because they're remotely similar - because Meryl Streep's roles, like snowflakes and assholes, are all totally unique and no two the same - but rather because they were in the same year and should have resulted in a double Oscar win. That last bit in Adaptation is priceless. I think it was one of 5 times I've been watching her and been like "HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SO GOOD?!" and she was stirring as usual in The Hours. Really, everyone in that movie deserved an Oscar except for Nicole "I wore a fake nose GIVE ME MORE BOTOX BITCH!" Kidman.

7.) ROBERTA GUSAPARI in MUSIC OF THE HEART

Only Meryl Streep could garner an Oscar Nomination for her part in a movie that was basically a Lifetime Television movie of the week. Basically. More Madonna/Streep overlap: Originally Madonna was supposed to do this role but learning the violin/making the ass-rockingness that was the Ray of Light album proved too daunting. But not for Streep. Bitch learned the violin in like three days and was good to go.

6.) "HELEN ARCHER" in IRONWEED

One of many successful Meryl Streep-Jack Nicholson vehicles, Ironweed explores time-tested loyalty between a former singer and baseball star-turned-full-blown-bums. Streep playing an olde-tymey crack whore: awesome. And more singing!!! This is one of my favourites - it's "Me Pal".

Pallette Cleanser: "JESSICA LOVEJOY" in THE SIMPSONS

You knew that this was Meryl Streep voicing her, right? One of Bart's countless romantic conquests, Streep played Reverend and Helen Lovejoy's downright devilish daughter Jessica - whose mean streak gets Bart in all sorts of trouble. I had no fucking idea this was Meryl Streep until recently. I guess I thought it was Jennifer Love Hewitt or some shit. Whoa.

5.) LINDY CHAMBERLAIN in "A CRY IN THE DARK"

Based on a true story, Lindy Chamberlain goes camping in the outback. Lindy Chamberlain leaves her baby in a tent. [Allegedly] a dingo comes and takes her baby. Lindy goes on trial for killing her baby and it's a media circus. Because of her evil-looking eyebrows, no one believes her. WHO THE FUCK CARES - This movie and role are worth mentioning for one line of dialogue and one line of dialogue only: "The dingo took my baby!"

4.) MADELINE ASHTON in "DEATH BECOMES HER"

To tell you the truth, I've never much cared for this movie, but don't nobody vamp it up like the Streepster. Playing aging movie siren Madeline, she makes a deal with the devil in the form of Isabella Rossellini to remain young forever. Things get botched, however, when dowdy girlfriend from the past, Helen (Goldie Hawn), comes to administer some long-overdue comeuppance. Best. Fight. Ever.

3.) "SOPHIE ZAWISTOWSKI" in SOPHIE'S CHOICE

In the cinematic equivalent to twisting a Tetanus-infected screwdriver into the hearts of mother's everywhere, Meryl Streep became seamlessly fluent in Polish and acted a scene in which she is forced to choose which one of her children will die at the hands of the Nazis with devastating effectiveness in her lone Oscar winning turn as best actress. Meryl Streep will have to do better than this in order to win another Oscar. Raw deal, man.

2.) "MIRANDA PRIESTLY" in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

I can't say enough about this movie - it's one of my top 5 of all time. Playing the most enchanting-yet-menacing divabitch in the history of film, Meryl Streep rocketed herself back to relevance with an entirely new generation of filmgoers and reinstated the power of never raising your voice. Favourite throwaway line in this movie: After the first time that Andy is called into Miranda's office and given a million things to do including getting skirts from Calvin Klein, as Andy runs back to her desk, Miranda turns her attention back to her other minions and mutters "... it's just a cavalier disregard for clarity". I find this so entertaining.

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) "MARY FISHER" in SHE-DEVIL

Oh motherfucker. If you haven't seen this movie, there is searing pity in my heart for you. In this haute-camp movie about a romance novelist (Streep) who steals a pug-fug surburban housewife (Roseanne Barr)'s man-whorish accountant husband (Ed Begley, Jr.) away from her only to receive her comeuppance in slow-cooked, masterful form Meryl proves that she does over-the-top like no one else. Fuck Sophie's Choice up that ass - THIS was her Oscar winner.

For serious, if you haven't seen it, DO.

Have a blissful weekend,

--- Aj

"To Catch A Predator" should be on TV every hour of the day...

Ahhh primetime television. When television's biggest stars come out to shine.
Well, maybe not.

This blog is pretty much going to be recapping my television viewing from 8 PM until 11 PM last night and hope that it's remotely eventful.

First things first:

You may remember 8 weeks ago or some shit, I did a snap judgement on the current crop of girls from Canada's Next Top Model, whose denouement came last night. I heard from some people asking/aksin' me why they hadn't heard me mention even a whisper about it since.

Well, that was partly because I guess I just had other things to blog about, but also in part to the fact that I didn't want to hex my favourite from winning. Looks like it worked - that gawky, village-of-the-damned-lookin' bitch Rebecca won!!! Yaaaay!!!

She was by far my favourite from day 1 and I'm so thrilled about that. And it was actually down to the best two - which was shocking. I was expecting that either Sinead (adorable) or Rebecca (haute haute haute) would be eliminated in favour of Supertranny Tara or Miss Thornhill 2006 Tia. How did that Tia bitch get so far? I mean is that supposed to be pretty? Really? Wow. Yeah.

But no - anyway - expect to hear stories about the entire Top 10 of them being signed to the same agency and my friend Mike calling them all in back-to-back-to-back for another Lavalife add like he did with last season's batch. *pats hands together as if done making a loaf of bread*.

LAST COMIC STANDING

This was hardly news to anyone in the know, as Internet spoilers spoil'd this what must have been months ago, but God bless Debra, she dutifully maintained that it was a secret until she left a few days ago.

The first installment of the semi-finals was last night and if you cared about comedy, y'watched. If you don't, y'didn't. And that's fine. Just skip ahead of my commentary.

A few things of note:

- Despite the fact that the majority of them have upwards to and including decades of experience in the business under their belts, they sure looked pretty distracted by the vastness of the house. I'd have thought they'd be used to it by now. Hmm. A lot of their sets were over before they began - you could read looks of worry and self-doubt in their faces as clear as the print in an elderly persons' hymn book. I guess I just come from the school of "GAME FACE GAME FACE GAME FACE" and I'm "on" from the second I get to the gig, but whatevs. I'm sure I'm talking out of my ass as per usual.

I SOOO related with that Australian guy who tried this thing where he mimed reflecting the love from the audience back to them and made these little laser noises - afterwards he was like "Yeah. I thought that would work with American audiences". I would have had the same mentality. I wouldn't have done that, per se - but I would have had definitely had the notion to alter my material and add bizarre affectations thinking there are some things that would "go over with Americans". Poor dude.

Three very funny women on the episode: Debra (who we'll get to), Gina Yashere (who also made the finals... great look) and Sabrina Matthews. I think this woman is a genius. I can't understand how she didn't move on. She's fucking brilliant.

Two very unfunny women. Sarah Colonna (whose last name is far closer to Colonic than I'd ever wish for it to be for both her sake and the rest of humankind's) and some bitch who's name is Lori, I think. TERRIBLE. She did some bit about how her ex-husband was gay and she knew the day he left because her makeup was gone. THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!! Don't get her started. Don't even get her started.

That Dante character beats out the relationship status on Facebook as the new bane of my existence. Three things that bother me about him: i.) He is so disingenuous and sooo playing a character to pander to the audience. ii.) He is so hammy and full of party tricks instead of actual material that will so appeal to the unwashed masses and cause him to outlast actual talent. iii.) Perhaps most irkingly, he's one of these clueless 30-something male comics who try and dress like a frat guy but you know they'd be sooo much more comfortable wearing a suit and carrying around a seltzer bottle. They are a fucking dime a dozen, let me tell ya.

Anyway - none of this is important. One of the greatest moments in TV History occurred for me when one Miss Debra DiGiovanni was told she was advancing. Genuine, GENUINE surprise followed by her mouthing "SHUT UP!". Amazing.
Finals start after next week. You like your soul? Wanna keep it? Vote for Debra. That's all.

TO CATCH A PREDATOR

Oooooooooh howdy. This used to be a guilty pleasure, but now it's a proud one. Wow. I can't tell you how much this show entertains me and how I absolutely cackle like a motherfucking witch when they bust these dudes.

For real. Last night there was this one guy who was in the army, had a wife and five kids, and was chatting to the 'decoy' - incidentally, that must be the greatest job in the world... being a decoy for sexual predators... chatting dirty with those motherfuckers all day then inviting them in for drinks and hymen only to have them busted by Chris Hanson and the cops... if only I wasn't so indistinguishably male and not-13... oh well... next life ---

Anyway - this 38-year old Army dude with a wife and 5 kids who's being deployed to Iraq in 2 weeks comes in with a CAMERA and just wants to get right down to business. Like RIGHT down to it. Then Chris Hanson comes in, he starts sweating BUCKETS and constantly revises his story telling him that he's there for his friend. They bring the chat transcripts out, about him wanting to fuck her in the ass and take pictures of him etc, then he leaves - as they all do, expecting nothing to happen - and the cops rush him, pull him to the ground and he dissolves in grown-man-tears. Is there any other kind?

And I cackle like a witch.

It makes me wonder - who's the worse human being? The dude who wants to have sex with a 13 year old, or me, for laughing at his pain.

Him. Yeah, totally him.

NightNight,

--- Aj