Confessions of a Penis-Toe

Hey everybody...

[said as mopely as possible]

So it's fucking broken. BROKEN. And there's only one universal treatment for broken toes (except for the big one... since something like %50 of your body's weight falls on it, it requires a cast and crutches) which is ice the bitch, stay off the bitch as much as necessary and suck it the fuck up, bitch.

MmmmmHmmmm. And do you know how long this bullshit is supposed to last for?! UPWARDS TO AND INCLUDING (but not limited to) FOUR MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS!!! That's right... I'm going to be hobbling at tortoise speed for quite sometime... and you can forget gayin' it up... well, actually, you can really forget doing anything that requires walking for more than 50 paces.
So as you can imagine, I'm terribly pleased with this situation.

The toe itself looks less like a cock, but a cock nonetheless. I can't tell you how much fucking stand up I'm doing in the coming weeks that this is going to absolutely en-feeble me for... I honestly have to imagine I'll have to do it in sock feet... fuck...

I'm not a very good cripple, as you can tell.

Whatevs... I'm over it... well that's a complete lie - you full blown know that this blog is going to transform itself into some fucking "wounded toe journal" for the next month... oh well...

I missed doing a Top 10 last week. And, seeing as this is the first night of finals on American Idol, season 7, I thought I'd do a 'down that I've been wanting to do for quite sometime...

Here's my Top 10 [Non-Obvious] Greatest Performances in the History of Idol!!!

Qualifier: When I say non-obvious, that's what I mean. I guess I could have also used to term "unappreciated" or "underrated" instead... Basically what I mean is that there will be no mention of the obvious high-points like Carrie Underwood doing "Alone" or Fantasia doing "Summertime" or Blake Lewis doing "You Give Love A Bad Name" or Constantine doing "Bohemian Rhapsody"... none of those universally lauded performances - this list is meant to make you go "oh yeah... that's right... that was good..."

And we Begineth [Paltrow]...

10.) Carrie Underwood - "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"

Who: Winner, Season 4
What: Top 3 week, Carrie's personal pick
Why: If you could give a physically depressed vagina a microphone, it would sing "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" by Air Supply. This is the song that so many high school seniors lost their virginity to in the back of a van back in 1983. I was understandably sceptical when I heard that every one's favourite robotic Rodeo princess would be tackling this, but to my shock, awe, pleasure and delight - she turned this shit out. Carrie fucking wrestled this beast to the ground, hog-tied it and ripped its heart out of its chest. After she held that last note for a week and a half, THAT is when I was convinced she'd be the most successful Idol alum ever.
Obvious Alternative: Billboard Number 1's, "Alone" by Heart

9.) Paris Bennett - "These Foolish Things"

Who: 5th Place, Season 5
What: Her rendition of the Billie Holiday classic on "Great American Songbook" night.
Why: Paris' ability to channel jazz legends right down to the most particular affectation was downright chilling. As in holy fuck y'all, somebody call da Ghostbustas. No where else was this applied more beautifully than this tingle-inducing performance that charmed the pants off of even the one, the only, Rod Stewart. And if it's good enough for Rod Stewart, it's good enough for you MOTHERFUCKER!
Obvious Alternative: Her initial audition, "Take Five"

8.) Kimberley Locke - "Home"

Who: 3rd place, Season 2
What: Stephanie Mills classic from the movie "The Wiz" on movie night
Why: First things first: I love Kimberley Locke. She's very overlooked when it comes to successful Idol alum, actually. She's had 7 Top 10 hits (yes, on the Adult Contemporary chart... but three of those went to Number 1), sold oodles of albums and has a massive gay following thanks to a love affair with the remix and a willingness to play each and every gay pride festivity that will have her. Anyballs - although it took her a while to find her footing in Season 2, she was well on her way when she belted out this mega-theatrical power ballad. They way that she can effortlessly control that fucking wrecking ball of a voice of hers is truly commendable - I always thought she sounded like Daphne Rubin-Vega in power-balladeer form.
Obvious Alternative: "New York State of Mind" on Billy Joel night

7.) Bo Bice - "Drift Away"

Who: 2nd place, Season 4
What: First performance, first week of semi-finals, first time that Bo had been shown singing
Why: Back in Season 4, it was established that there were two 'rockers' (read: two contestants with long hair). The heavily pimped producer's pet, Constantine Maroulis, and some other scraggly dude quirkily named Bo Bice. No one had any idea who he was or what his deal was - until he busted out this little ditty and got everyone to clap above their hands excitedly in unison. An underdog was born... ... .... (and then died, as everyone knows that he eventually succumbed to Season 4's eternal front runner, Carrie Underwood, who has continued to dwarf him in the real world...)
Obvious Alternative: The hauntingly acapella "In A Dream", Bo's choice on Top 3 night

6.) Diana DeGarmo - "Don't Cry Out Loud"

Who: 2nd Place, Season 3
What: Clive Davis' pick, Top 3 night
Why: Say what you will about Diana DeGarmo and her swinelike qualities (well, Muppet-style swinelike qualities) but after she sang every last trace of shit out of this Melissa Manchester classic, no one could argue that she couldn't sing. Humorous: Imagine throwing her off a building on that last note... "Remember You Almost Had It Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll..."
Obvious Alternative: "Turn The Beat Around" on Disco/Donna Summer night

Palette Cleanser: Haley Scarnato - "If My Heart Had Wings"

WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't know why I hate this song/find it so hilarious, but I just do.

5.) Vonzell Solomon - "I'll Never Love This Way Again"

Who: 3rd Place, Season 4
What: Clive Davis' pick on Top 3 Night
Why: Is it absolutely just me, or was Vonzie the most underrated contestant in American Idol history? Like, really - is it just me or is/was this bitch just as talented as Beyonce? Like really - she was fucking fierce. She could sing the shit out of anything, she was gorgeous and ferociously personable. I don't get why a bigger deal was never made about her... and reeeally don't get why she's gone on to do absolutely nothing since... oh well... Anyway - on her swan song, Vonzie worked the shit out. Like for realsies - I find that to be a master class in singing. Bonus points for the Brenda Dickson-style reveal at the beginning...
Obvious Alternative: "Best Of My Love" on Billboard Number 1's week

4.) Clay Aiken - "Unchained Melody"

Who: 2nd Place, Season 2
What: Clay's pick, Top 3 night
Why: No secret: I'm not achin' for Aiken. I find him to be a deplorable hot mess who needs to keep his mouth shut and his skanky dick in his pants and out of the unprotected assholes of AWOL marines. But his take on this Righteous Brothers classic was devastating...
Obvious Alternative: "Bridge Over Troubled Water"... or "Somewhere Out There"... or fucking "Solitaire"... or one of the million other power ballads he sang to death...

3.) Kelly Clarkson - "Without You"

Who: Winner, Season 1
What: Judge's pick, Top 3 Night
Why: The original Idol with the platinum pipes, Kelly did a note-for-note perfect rendition of this Foreigner/Mariah Carey gem that proved exactly how world class the bitch is and was. AND - this was back when Idol was run super-sketchily and they were all being overworked beyond belief and their voices were cracking and they were being rushed to the hospital for dehydration and shit! These new Idols don't even know!
Obvious Alternative: "Natural Woman" on 60's night

2.) Fantasia - "What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life"

Who: Winner, Season 3
What: Second selection, Big-Band Night
Why: Perfection, anyone? This was a fucking Oscar-worthy performance, if y'ask me. Of a song I'd never heard before, but fell in love with instantly after watching Tasia absolutely murder it. Really, there wasn't anything that Fantasia did do that wasn't considerably better than what ya usually see on that show, though. And it absolutely makes my head spin to think that she had to learn all these songs phonetically. Holy fuck.
Obvious Alternative: Uhhh, "Summertime", obviously

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) Jennifer Hudson - "Share Your Love With Me"

Who: 7th Place, Season 3-cum-Oscar Winner
What: Initial Audition
Why: I remember back in Season 3, I was in 4th year University. It was my final semester and I was in the finishing stages of a Queen's Players show I was directing and the middle of a sort-of long-distance relationship with this dude in Toronto. We would tele-conference nearly every night, and, of course, one of the hot topics was American Idol. At this exact point, they were still in the middle of countless audition episodes. I think they'd just shown William Hung or something. I can remember coming home that night, calling him - not having seen the night's episode yet - and the first thing out of his mouth was "there was a big black lady on tonight you're going to like very much". Truer words have never been spoken. From the second this bitch opened her mouth, I knew. And she has yet to disappoint.
Obvious Alternative: "Circle Of Life" on Elton John week

And then of course tonight, it begins again.

FUN!

I'm off...

Please - whatever you do - be good to your toes,

--- Aj

Arch Enemas.

I don't even know what that's supposed to mean...

Well, it's a reference to my feet... because, you see, if there's one person who's most definitely NOT a candidate for foot fetish porn right now, it's me.

Saturday night: in a fit of drunken 'shenanigans', some play-fighting went a titch too far and a toe on my right foot (not the middle toe, not the baby toe, but that useless one between those two) bore the positively elephantine brunt of someone.

Currently, it's so swollen, it looks like a penis. A great big, skanky, scarlet-red penis with a dwarfed toe-nail on the end of it. It's not too glamorous. I thought about taking a picture of it, but really, it's so gross.

So I can barely walk. I'm someone who's very "Point A to Point B in the quickest amount of time" so this is driving me MAD. I'm fucking hobbling everywhere like a wounded wildebeest. I'm officially like one of those exceptionally slow elderly people that I hate - and will STILL hate after this has healed, make no mistake about it... no no no no no - this will absolutely not give me any sort of perspective into what it feels like to be someone who's mobility-challenged... I'll still find those people annoying as hell. Well, I might be sympathetic for them for like, a week. But after that I'll be back to rolling my eyes, snarling and baring my upper teeth at them...

Anyballs... this weekend in Toronto sucked. We were lambasted by snow, yet again. This has really got to stop. Holy fuck. Like, it's just never ending at this point. Particularly if I'm given crutches, watch out. Me trying to manoeuvre crutches for the first time in my life and in the the thick of the snowiest winter we've ever had in Toronto... Fuck that. I'll take disability. I wonder if I can do that. Hmmm...

Anyballs, Pt 2. -

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

DANNY NORIEGA

Who: Big-voiced elfin Emosexual/13th-place finisher on Season 7 of American Idol.
Why I Loved Him: What is conceivably not to love? The first unabashedly out semi-finalist in American Idol history, Danny sassed and snapped his way through whatever Simon could dish out. Beyond that, he served as a positively glowing example to teenage homos that's sorely needed right now in the wake of a string of teenage homo murders, or rather, teenage homo-cides. Beyond THAT, his little emo vlogs that have surfaced (like the one above - TAKE THAT, CHRISTMAS! *SNAP*) are fierce.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

LISA RINNA

Who: I know. Who exactly is this bitch and how did she get famous? Her big 'acting' credits are as some pseudo-vixen on daytime soap-opera, Days Of Our Lives, which she parlayed into playing another pseudo-vixen on night-time soap-opera, Melrose Place. She then parlayed that into a hosting gig on TV Guide Channel's Soap Talk and competed on some season of Dancing With The Stars. She now does stunningly-informed work at various red carpet events for E!, as per evidenced above...
Why I Hated Her: Beyond the fact that her face is irreconcilably busted, and that she's someone who would gleefully attend the opening of an envelope... DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, ASSHOLE! I have problems believing that you're too busy practicing pursing your lips in the mirror to take 2 fucking minutes out of your day and Google Amy Adams. GOOD GRIEF!

Speaking of Amy Adams... her SNL was a little underwhelming this weekend... the standout sketch, for me, was the last one - which seems to be a recurring theme of late... "Lady Business" was the last sketch of the Tina Fey episode... Ellen Page's coming-out sketch was the last sketch last week... hmmm... - anyway, the sketch centred around 4 single girl friends going out to a bar continually performing a dance they did back in high-school to varying tempos, pretending like they were reluctantly forced to do it... They did it at normal speed to Rihanna's "Umbrella", then double-time to REM's "It's The End of the World", then half-time to Peaches & Herbs' "Reunited" THEN they did it to one guy's chime-y cell phone ring! AMAZING!

I totally knew girls like that in high school. Girls who got together for talent shows and made up thoroughly uninspired dance routines that you know they dig out every time they're gathered together and preface it by saying "Oh God! I wonder if I even remember it... let's see... does it go like - "

Yeah...

Anyway...

Ow.

Ouch.

My toe is going to be amputated.

Fuck.

See you tomorrow,

--- Aj

Bitch Salad Retrospecticus

Well... firstly...

It's a dark day.

Everyone's favourite chola boychild, Danny Noriega, got the boot in an unprecedentedly emotional episode of American Idol last night.

I returned home last night from my first night hosting at the downtown Yuk Yuk's club (something, by the by, that I didn't think I'd get to do for years so I'm super excited and happy that I got to and it went fantastically! yay!) only to find that Kady Malloy and Luke Menard were given the boot, to the surprise of no one.

Kady seemed ready. Her song was pretty brutal though. She was madly out of tune. It's like she was a brass instrument and she just went through a car wash 3 times. Eek. Luke Menard, on the other hand, should really consider dabbling in gay porn, or at least gay-for-pay porn. He's kind of hot, not gonna lie.

Anyway - upset no. 1 of the night - Kristy Lee Cook stays in favour of Asia'H Epperson. It was that song, honey. Do me a favour everyone who ever competes on Idol in the future: NEVER SING WHITNEY HOUSTON'S "I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY". You WILL be kicked off immediately. It was super sad. She was super pretty (in a sort of CW sitcom sort of way), had a fantastic, unique voice and her dad died. Shitty.

However, no one could have possibly prepared themselves for what was coming next. Danny Noriega is passed over for Chikezie. A million homos scream "NO!!!" to the heavens simultaneously. Well, not all of them. But still...

Oooh-howdy I was pissed off. And that's strange. Typically, I've got gallons of haterade and blind jealousy going for gays who are granted access to a public forum - particularly when they define their entire being by their culture and the cliches wherein (*cough*Sean Gehon*cough*) - but not Danny. I loved that little he-chola. He was so ballsy and I liked that. I can relate. Whatwhatwhat.

Anyballs...

BITCH SALAD HAPPENED ON TUESDAY!

Here's my requisite recap...

First things first, the mix I made before hand was amazing. Holy fuck. I outdid myself, if I do say so myself. I fucking LOVED it. Which is great, because that pleases my key demographic and the only person who actually cares about the music beforehand - me. Good grief.

First comic of the night was the one, the only SHANNON LAVERTY!!! Here's Shannon's story: at the age of 21, she moved to Toronto from Saskatchewan, where she'd been hitting the open mic scene for a year and a half. This is the early 90's. Shannanigan's style is loose, sly and sexually aggressive. She's told for years that 'she's too dirty' and 'people don't want to see women on stage talking about stuff like that'. This is a pre-Sex & The City world, mind you - before it was 'discovered' that women actually did talk like that. I think it's so important that female comics today realize the uphill battles she's had to trek and the dead ends she's needed to bust through to blaze that trail. Hmph.

B'aaanyway. Shannon is someone who talks to the audience, and she's the best. That terrifies me. TERRIFIES. I could never - at least, right now - throw caution and my act to the wind, ask someone "where are you from?" and materialize 5 minutes of funny stuff out of that, let alone the half an hour that Shannon can. It's mystifying.

Next up were the thoroughly hilarious Jan Caruana and Stefanie Drummond! So you know that my big thing was "holy fuck! It's the chicks from Mean Girls!"... yeah... guess who COMPLETELY FORGOT TO EVEN MENTION THAT THEY WERE IN THAT FUCKING MOVIE WHEN HE INTRODUCED THEM... ... ... in case there's any sort of confusion there, I'm talking about me. Yeah.

Anyballs, they came up and their schtick consisted of talking shit about Lindsay Lohan. It was hilarious and little more complex than it sounds. The premise was that they'd go up and talk about all these nice things she did while she was in town filming Mean Girls (ie. placing puppies in adoption programs, educating orphans on the street) but make it sound like she was doing these crazy cunty things... it was hilarious.

And of course I got Stef to deliver that line "Everyone thinks I'm a slut because I wear super jumbo tampons. But it's not my fault that I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina". That was kind of the high point of my life. I get the impression that Stef's a little sick of saying it though. I guess her and the "where's the beef" lady have more in common than I had previously thought.

Next up - Rebecca Kohler!!! There's nothing that I love more at The 'Salad than taking a young, attractive, contemporary female comic with fantastic material and sass to spare who I see struggle with a typical 'comedy club' audience that can't digest a female comic who's not Rita Rudner-esque and seeing them KILL IT with the Bitch Salad audience. That was the case with Katherine Ryan, that was the case with Sara Hennessey, and that was certainly the case with Rebecca. It was the only time that I really saw her material done justice by the audience and it was FANTASTIC to see!

She also booked a Video On Trial off of the night, so that's a bonus, too. = ) --- More of a bonus is that I'm on the episode as well. So holy fuck it's just a win/win/win/win/win.

Inessa Frantowski blows my fucking mind. First off - the girl is just lovely. You couldn't ask for a lovlier person, really. Second off - the character she did was AMAZING. I didn't take a picture of it and I'll rue that for the rest of my life. She was bedecked in a short gray wig, a short sleeve plaid shirt and high-waisted kahkis that came up easily past her navel. The character was this really stammery, tangential, over-sensitive middle-aged woman who over-explained and justified things talking about how she wished she could have done something heroic at 9/11. You just had to be there. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

In a new segment at the 'Salad, my dear gal-pal and burgeoning comic genius Heidi Brander took the stage to deliver some hard-hitting news through the use of puns. Yes, PUNS. Heidi can weave puns like no other... the feature was called "Headlines: With News Corres-PUN-dant Heidi Brander". In betwixt each item, a slide whistle would sound to absolutely hilarious consquences. Check this shit out:

An historic section of downtown Toronto was destroyed recently, as a fire gutted
several buildings on Queen West. Though the blaze was devastating, firefighters
expressed relief that it did not originate in Greektown… because it’s really
hard to put out a Greece fire.

Relations between the Chinese and
the Taiwanese governments are at an all-time low. One explanation for this could
be that the delegates from both countries have Taipei
personalities.

According to a recent poll in celebrity gossip magazine Us
Weekly, 80% of males aged 18-35 are fans of Angelina Jolie, 60% of women aged
49-65 are fans of Tom Cruise, and a whopping 98% of dyslexic gamblers are fans
of Jack Black.

Development officers have announced plans to set up an NGO
to support the marginalized members of Toronto’s bisexual community. When asked
what the newly established bisexual NGO will be called, officials responded,
“B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O…”

Just in time for High School Musical
3, Disney has announced plans to release a life-size Zac Efron doll.
Unfortunately for Canadians, the doll will only be available in the United
States, meaning the Zac Efron doll is likely not worth the cost of shipping. But
it’s TOTALLY worth the cost of handling.

Yes. It was a thrilling debut. I was all too pleased.

Then of course, there's Debra DiGiovanni. What can I possibly say about Debra that hasn't been said? She's one of the biggest names and freshest voices in comedy today. And one of the fucking nicest people you'll ever meet. All too often when you start out - I think, with anything... but especially in show biz - you meet people that you idolize or who've been really successful and you build yourself up for this momentous experience with greatness and you're just COMPLETELY let down about how a.) boring or b.) much of an asshole they are. Not Debra. I first met Debra two years ago - March, 2006. I was doing an all-new material night and she was hosting. I met her backstage right before I went on and she was immediately familiar and gracious.

Anyballs - since then I am just so delighted beyond belief whenever I've had the opportunity to work with her. She's truly a class act. Moreover, the fact that I know her has gotten me laid - on more than one occasion, btw - doesn't hurt, either.

I'm off.

To do things that Andrews do.

Smell ya later,

--- Aj

Idol Wrap Up AND SO MUCH MORE!

First things first:

Well it was another gruesome battle, but the Bitches You Loved and Hated for February have been decided...

Narrowly beating out my personal pick, LeiLani Billard, for Bitch You Loved In February, none other than the lovely and talented Tina Fey!!!


She'll go up against the Bitch You Loved in January, Carol Channing, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

And, to my personal surprise and delight, the Bitch YOU Hated in February was none other than hysterical cooter-chompee, Chola CuchiMuncho!!!

She'll go up against the Bitch You Hated in January, Tom Cruise, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

Second things second:

IDOL.

BOYS.

Luke Menard is gone. Singing Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", something tells me he'll never be waking up. In that he'll be sleeping. In that he'll be dead because he's gone. Going first + bad song choice + cynical-yet-inoffensive comments from the judges = gone.

David Archuleta continues his stranglehold on complete and utter Idol domination. He was able to serve up the exact same convincing flavour of cheese that Phil Collins did. Again, not my thing but I get it. So magnanimous of him to sing that in order to draw attention to the plight of the homeless. Somebody's going to heaven!

Danny Noriega is fierce. I have said it before and I will say it again. Fresh off the heels of some old myspace video blogs of him sporting a dew rag, swearing and proclaiming he's gay he goes and does the most audaciously faggy thing ever on that show - sings Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" with purple streaks up in his head... FIERCE! I am crossing everything that can be crossed on my body that he makes the Top 12...

Resident "stripper who had performed fully nude for a mostly-male crowd" David Hernandez stood out more for those shocking revelations than for his take on "It's All Coming Back To Me Now"? What's coming back to you now, David? The genital warts you contracted by tea-bagging skeezy old dudes in the strip joint you worked at for 'a mostly-male audience'? Someone get him some oigggnment, shoot.

Michael Johns did "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds and Randy said that he did Michael Hutchence of INXS proud. Whoops. From what I remember - if I try really hard - is that he did a pretty serviceable rendition of it. But the irony is that after that, I do think people will forget about him...

David Hook donned his axe once again and did a very emo-ized version of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" - a really, isn't Lionel emo enough as it is? No no no - he did a very good job of it. I still get a very "Comic Book Guy" from The Simpsons-vibe from him, though.

Jason Castro should have sung "Lost In Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson because that's what happens to me when I watch him perform/speak. The man is a dreamboat - and I almost never subscribe that kind of shit. Like literally, I've been hot for Jonathan Brandis (may God rest his soul) and Jason Castro. I thought he did brilliantly tonight - great song choice. I'm really happy to see him gaining steam. It's very reminiscent of Bo Bice's rise to front runner status circa Season 4.

And then there's Chikezie. [Sung like the Maude theme song] "And then there's Chikezie! And then there's Chikezie!"... ummm, yeah... that kinda works better with a one-syllable name... no matter... Bah... he would have been prime candidate to be sent homeward-bound alongside Luke Menard, but now, because of his pimp-spot placement, he'll be causing and upset tonight.

GIRLS

Asia'H Epperson did herself exactly 0.0 favours picking Whitney's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". Despite the fact that Whitney sang every last fibre of shit out of it, it's really never perceived as a singer's song. It's kinda like "Groove Is In The Heart" in that respect... there are definitely some notes to be had there, but it's just too ingrained into people's head as a fun, party song if-not a jock jam *GASP*. I thought it was fine. Her face really shows it when she's unsure if she's going to be note perfect, though.

Kady Malloy continues her bloody, exhaustive march towards death by singing "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen. Who wants to live forever, indeed - something tells me not Kady... particularly by basically conceding to the fact that she thought she should have gone home instead of Alaina Whitaker (and Alexandrea Lushington, may I add) last week in her red room pre-interview. On the bright side, at least she'll leave on a high note as her performance last night wasn't out-and-out brutal. On a very, very dark note... two words: Hayley Scarnato. Kady could not only totally make it into the Top 12, but last for quite some time... because if there's one thing that Hayley Scarnato showed us, fucking anything is possible on this show...

Amanda Overmyer went back to basics tonight with a rollicking take on Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You". Methinks a lot - not all, but a lot - of the damage she did with last week's "Carry On My Wayward Son" will be reconciled and her base will be re-energized after last night. She's still as uncomfortable as a sea gull wearing a tracking collar on stage, though. And VERY off putting with her perceived ambivalence when getting the judges' feedback.

No secret: I love every inch of Carly Smithson. Even though I thought she got a little shrill in the higher notes of Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night", I totally agreed with Randy when he said that watching her go for those is like watching someone blast targets with a cannon. Bitch is fierce. I think it's safe to say that Carly's consistency, excellence and dynamism has won over any haters who thought her previous life as MCA recording artist Carly Hennessey by this point.

Kristy Lee Cook makes me barf. I can't stands the bitch no way. I really didn't think her countrified take on Journey's "Faithfull" was all that artful and worthy of the lauding it got. I didn't think it was understated; it was unsure. And I'm sorry, bitch could not remotely pull off what she attempted to at the end of the performance. Ugh. PS - Jean Smart from Designing Women called and she wants her head back.

Ramiele Malubay is not great. She's got a lovely voice with all sort of 'colours' to it, but she's got the depth of a bird bath. "Against All Odds"? Really? Apparently she's got quite an ardent fan base though, so expect to see her sail through...

Brooke White is gettin' on my last nerve - and something tells me I'll need to develop a few more nerves, because bitch is gonna be around for a while. I really have nothing to say about her whimpering, acoustic take on the Goddess Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" other than what I said about her before: although Brooke's homogenized, ethereal singer-songwriter thing is unique in this competition - and responsible for her appeal - it's far from unique in the music industry. Is her seeing-eye pony of a voice really going to be able to compete with the mighty steed of a voice like yer Carly's or yer Syesha's when it comes down to it? NO!

As much as I think she's an arrogant, smug little beyotch, Syesha Mercado worked it out tonight. That little Whitney nugget, "Saving All My Love For You" is no walk in the park - it's rangy as hell, requiring someone to go from the top of their chest voice to the bottom of their chest voice to the top of their operatic voice to the top of their chest voice again and again - but she handled it with an unappreciated ease.

GONE -

On both sides of the coin tonight, it's anyone's guess.

Although Luke Menard and Kady Malloy are the most likely candidates, anything's possible. Well, Luke's certainly less possible, but still.

Beyond those two, I'd have to wager that for the boys Michael Johns will be in danger. I just see him slipping through the cracks - I don't think he's given anyone a reason to vote for him beyond the fact that he's competent. Otherwise, Danny Noriega - and believe me, I'm spittin on the ground, knocking wood and throwing salt behind me as I say this - could find himself out there based on his sheer audacity.

On the girls side, in terms of talent, it should be Kristy Lee Cook, but something tells me that lanky bimbess will slide through. At this point, it looks like Carly, Brooke, Amanda and Syesha have each made their cases and carved out their niches, so I'd be worried right now if I was Asia'H and/or Ramiele. Whomever has the bigger fan base will prevail.

Bitch Salad roundup tomorrow!
--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Bitches Hated

Hiya friends, friends of friends, and the rest of you...

Absolute first things first:

TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!! TONIGHT!!!

That's right - the next installment of Bitch Salad fucking happens TONIGHT!!!

It's going to be so incredible... for real, this lineup is the things that dreams are made of. Like are you a Jihadist terrorist? This is going to be so much more magnificent, so much more fantastical than Harem that it's just gonna fuck your cause right up. It will discombobulate you and you will love it...

Featuring:

DEBRA DiGIOVANNI!!! If you haven't seen her live - you must. A master fucking class in comedy, let me tell ya.


SHANNON LAVERTY!!! Same thing goes for Shannon - she does shit on stage that I could never hope to do. She's been working coast to coast and burg to berg for a coon's age, but in a pre-Sex & The City world, was constantly told that she was 'too dirty' and "people don't want to see a woman on stage talking about that stuff". She's just absolutely incredible.

JAN CARUANA & STEFANIE DRUMMOND!!! Again, the same notion applies to Jan Caruana - if you've seen her improvise, you know that her powers are frightening. Holy fuck. And Stefanie Drummond has an inherent comedic genius that people would trade body parts for - talents that on full display, of course, in the film "Mean Girls"... I am SO excited for this...

REBECCA KOHLER!!! Another fucking fantastic, acerbic, contemporary female comic that I had the pleasure of working with when I spent that little stint in LA at the end of last year -

INESSA FRANTOWSKI!!! Part of the Sketchersons and mainstay of "Sunday Night Live", I love this woman. The highlight for me of any Sunday Night Live is Inessa's costume changes. For real. She is so particularly attired every time she comes on stage and as Oprah says, love is in the details. Couldn't be more true.

And of course, the entire evening is hosted by me. I don't think I need to blurb myself. Blurb myself. That sounds dirty. I think I'll blurb myself after the show tonight. Maybe even blurb myself to sleep. Yeah. That sounds nice.

So that's that. COME!

In other news:

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

THIS CHICK

Who: Good question. I have no idea who she is or where she's from. The only thing I do know is that on July 8th, 1993, she beat the unholy shit out of her no-good boyfriend and someone had the presence of mind to whip out their camcorder.
Why I Love Her: Yeah. This woman is EASILY the hottest bitch alive. High points of that video: When she drags him down the street on all fours with his shirt over his head and spectators yell "Walkin' the dawg!" and of course, when a little kid runs up to her and she says "Please do not show me dat at dis point in time". AMAZING.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

LAUREN CLERI

Who: Ghastly whore who went on "Moment of Truth" (that show where people hook themselves up to a lie detector and answer crazily personal questions and jeopardize their relationships in hopes of winning some cash) and admitted to cheating on her husband. For admitting that, she won $100,000. The next question was "do you think you are a good person?". She answered 'yes'. According to the lie detector, bitch was lying. HA! She lost all the money... Since then she's done a slew of interviews and has admitted that she's surprised she's not rolling in acting offers.
Why I Hate Her: It's actually not the fact that she sold out her relationship and ruined her (now ex-)husband's life for blind financial opportunity that bothers me. It's the fact that that potato-headed bitch thought this would catapult her into a career in the entertainment industry. Barf.

K.

That's it for today.

I am so exhausted.

I'll be fresh as a daisy tonight, though.

COME TO BITCH SALAD!!! 8 PM TONIGHT!!! BUDDIES IN BAD TIMES - 12 ALEXANDER ST.!!! 8 FUCKING DOLLARS!!!

If you don't, you're a more horrible person than Lauren Cleri.

Unless you actually ARE Lauren Cleri and beyond the fact that you cheated on your husband and humiliated him and yourself on national television, you're also not planning on coming to Bitch Salad... well... may God have mercy on your soul...

--- Aj

Guess What I Won't Be Watching...

Hellohellohello.

Is everyone's ass sufficiently rocked from that Madonna track? I gathered as much.

So, Ellen Page on SNL. Yeah yeah yeah. I came home Saturday night lookin' and feelin' a HOT mess, grabbed me a bag of Quaker crispy minis and made short work of it. Initially, I found it very underwhelming and entirely unhillarious, but upon revisiting it in a sober state, I've concluded that it was actually quite funny.

The Dakota Fanning show is fucking genius.

Dakota: "Who's your current celebrity crush?"
Girl: "Umm, Zac Efron"
Dakota: "Mine's Charlie Rose!"

That Peter Pan sketch made me barf it was so ridiculous. The Diablo Cody by-way-of Andy Samberg thing was hysterical - and also potentially inspirational in terms of this year's Hallowe'en costume, by the by. Lovely to see Virginica Hasting, as per always ("I'm only 18!", "Inches?"). NOT lovely to see that Maya Rudolph has not yet returned. I've gotta tell ya, I'm holding my breath here. And it's not comfortable...

Obviously, the out and out highlight of the night was "The Other, OTHER Boleyn Girl" - a joke I had already made last week on my facebook status with respective photoshopping:


... But yeah. They did it on SNL. I can only assume that they took a page from me, though. Yeah? Yeah? No.

And of course the sketch that everyone's talking about - the very last sketch of the evening which everyone's touting as Ellen Page's big coming out moment:

I watched it and was like "Was that supposed to be funny? Or did she just spend 3 minutes unfunnily coming out?" Still unclear.

Anyway...

As I do, I was perusing tonight's television listings on the good old Zap2It.com - as I don't like to be left in the dark if a program of interest is on - and noted SEVERAL things on tonight that I won't be watching.

1.) My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, 8 PM, City TV

Oh Jesus Christ. Really? Has it come to this? Fuck.

Yep. In the place of the awesomeness that was the second coming of American Gladiators, the suits at NBC dreamed up this little miracle... May God help us all...

A Mark Burnett creation, "MDIBTYD" will see four dads paired up with their kids compete in stunts, quizzes and general tomfoolery.

There are Four Rounds:

Round 1: 'My Dad Is Stronger'. Apparently in the first episode the challenge was to see the dads destroy desks for two minutes and who ever does the most damage wins. Yeah. I'm not kidding.

Round 2: 'My Dad Is Faster'. Same deal. My dad sure as fuck wouldn't win that challenge. When you drive with my father, every day is Sunday. Sheesh.

Round 3: 'My Dad Is Smarter'. This one's fucking genius... apparently they assume a quiz show format with questions popping up - only the kid rings their dad in, and dad has to answer the question. That's completely retarded.

Round 4: "My Dad Is Braver". From what I can tell, this is just sort of Round 1 + Round 2 combined. The first episode sees them carrying around a pane of glass trying to dodge newspapers that are being shot at them from the rival dad. It all just seems to be getting more retarded by the second...

Round 5: "My Dad Knows Me Best". Pretty self-explanatory. They get 10,000 bucks for each right answer.

Holy fuck. This shit just reeks of Americana... and that in itself smells like pig spunk. Fuck. Like for real - look up "Americana" and this fucking show should be referenced as the most accurate embodiment ever. They might as well have just televised a potato-sack race and called it a fucking day. Whatever.

2.) Toller Cranston: The Art of Being, 9 PM, Bravo

Let's not holler for Toller.

Oh Jesus. Toller Cranston makes me want to barf and cry at the same time - so profusely, that I don't know what's barf and what's tears.

Known as the godfather of Figure Skating, he's now a painter living in Mexico. Not like painting houses, mind you, but actually making art work.

Have you ever seen this assache in interviews? He's like this elfin prince from another realm. It absolutely drives me nuts.

Anyway - there's an hour-long fucking documentary on tonight about Toller, in the autumn of his years, and his art.

I have to imagine that it's going to be insufferable.

Something I WILL be watching, however...

Mr. & Mrs. Smith, 8 PM, Global

Oh hells yes. The movie that started it all.

I saw it in theatres years ago when it came out, which is very unlike me as I never venture to the theatre, let alone to see an action film.

But I did. It was smack dab in the middle of all the swirling rumours that they were together and Angelina sexily snatched Brad from America's sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston. I was sitting there, in a packed Cineplex with everyone else who was there for one reason and one reason only: because we felt that if we saw this movie, we might be granted some sort of insight into these rumours that would only be exclusive to us. Really, that's why everyone fucking went to that movie. To see if the chemistry was real.

And boy-o was it ever. Shit. The shit sizzled. And yeah, it's not a bad movie either. I'll probably take it in for a second time...

Something I'll DEFINITELY be watching:

TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW!!!

Yes.

If you don't come, I'll kill myself.

Then haunt you.

Specifically, you're asshole.

--- Aj

This shit is gonna be HUGE...

... And no, this isn't just an asinine Bitch Salad post, but, since you brought it up:

O-M-G - THREE DAYS!!! HOLY FUCK!!!

But yeah...

A little birdy posted a HIGH QUALITY RADIO RIP OF MADONNA'S LATEST OFFERING - "4 Minutes To Save The World" - that little three-way she had with Timbaland and Justin Timberlake.

Okay... this shit is potentially too hot to even exist at all.

Be prepared to hear nothing except this song for the next 6 months. Like I'm predicting this to blow up to "Umbrella-ella-ella-ella"-esque proportions. It is just gut-wretchingly, knee-bucklingly, ass-burstingly, earth-shatteringly, getting-fucked-up-against-a-chain-linked-fence amazing.

Do yourself the greatest favour you will do all year and download/listen to it HERE!

Right? Right? Awesome! Very contemporary. I was afraid when I had heard that she was trying to work in contemporary hip-hop I was bracing myself for another old-lady-tries-to-get-jiggy-with-it debacle a-la "American Life" - but NO. This shit is awesome.

And yes - it's a radio rip, off of a station that I have to assume is in France. But yeah...

Enjoy it while it lasts - I'm pretty certain that Madonna has scoured the earth and found the last remaining heads of the Nazi Gestapo and employed them to comb the Internet and find people who are un-legally sharing her music. (I don't believe sharing music is illegal... it's un-legal.)

Anyway - if you haven't already, and I know that 95% of you haven't, VOTE for the the Bitch You LOVED and HATED in February. Currently, Tina Fey and LeiLani Billard are battling it out for Bitch You Loved (sorry Darcel... maybe in another life), and it's a Hispanic hate-fest raging betwixt baby-killer Carmen Molina and genital-mutilation-by-way-of-canine-enthusiast Chola Cuchimuncho. VOTE!!!

I'm off - have a blissful Saturday!

--- Aj