Well it was another gruesome battle, but the Bitches You Loved and Hated for February have been decided...
Narrowly beating out my personal pick, LeiLani Billard, for Bitch You Loved In February, none other than the lovely and talented Tina Fey!!!
She'll go up against the Bitch You Loved in January, Carol Channing, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...And, to my personal surprise and delight, the Bitch YOU Hated in February was none other than hysterical cooter-chompee, Chola CuchiMuncho!!!
She'll go up against the Bitch You Hated in January, Tom Cruise, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...
Second things second:
IDOL.
BOYS.
Luke Menard is gone. Singing Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", something tells me he'll never be waking up. In that he'll be sleeping. In that he'll be dead because he's gone. Going first + bad song choice + cynical-yet-inoffensive comments from the judges = gone.David Archuleta continues his stranglehold on complete and utter Idol domination. He was able to serve up the exact same convincing flavour of cheese that Phil Collins did. Again, not my thing but I get it. So magnanimous of him to sing that in order to draw attention to the plight of the homeless. Somebody's going to heaven!
Danny Noriega is fierce. I have said it before and I will say it again. Fresh off the heels of some old myspace video blogs of him sporting a dew rag, swearing and proclaiming he's gay he goes and does the most audaciously faggy thing ever on that show - sings Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" with purple streaks up in his head... FIERCE! I am crossing everything that can be crossed on my body that he makes the Top 12...
Resident "stripper who had performed fully nude for a mostly-male crowd" David Hernandez stood out more for those shocking revelations than for his take on "It's All Coming Back To Me Now"? What's coming back to you now, David? The genital warts you contracted by tea-bagging skeezy old dudes in the strip joint you worked at for 'a mostly-male audience'? Someone get him some oigggnment, shoot.
Michael Johns did "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds and Randy said that he did Michael Hutchence of INXS proud. Whoops. From what I remember - if I try really hard - is that he did a pretty serviceable rendition of it. But the irony is that after that, I do think people will forget about him...
David Hook donned his axe once again and did a very emo-ized version of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" - a really, isn't Lionel emo enough as it is? No no no - he did a very good job of it. I still get a very "Comic Book Guy" from The Simpsons-vibe from him, though.Jason Castro should have sung "Lost In Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson because that's what happens to me when I watch him perform/speak. The man is a dreamboat - and I almost never subscribe that kind of shit. Like literally, I've been hot for Jonathan Brandis (may God rest his soul) and Jason Castro. I thought he did brilliantly tonight - great song choice. I'm really happy to see him gaining steam. It's very reminiscent of Bo Bice's rise to front runner status circa Season 4.
And then there's Chikezie. [Sung like the Maude theme song] "And then there's Chikezie! And then there's Chikezie!"... ummm, yeah... that kinda works better with a one-syllable name... no matter... Bah... he would have been prime candidate to be sent homeward-bound alongside Luke Menard, but now, because of his pimp-spot placement, he'll be causing and upset tonight.
GIRLS
Asia'H Epperson did herself exactly 0.0 favours picking Whitney's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". Despite the fact that Whitney sang every last fibre of shit out of it, it's really never perceived as a singer's song. It's kinda like "Groove Is In The Heart" in that respect... there are definitely some notes to be had there, but it's just too ingrained into people's head as a fun, party song if-not a jock jam *GASP*. I thought it was fine. Her face really shows it when she's unsure if she's going to be note perfect, though.Kady Malloy continues her bloody, exhaustive march towards death by singing "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen. Who wants to live forever, indeed - something tells me not Kady... particularly by basically conceding to the fact that she thought she should have gone home instead of Alaina Whitaker (and Alexandrea Lushington, may I add) last week in her red room pre-interview. On the bright side, at least she'll leave on a high note as her performance last night wasn't out-and-out brutal. On a very, very dark note... two words: Hayley Scarnato. Kady could not only totally make it into the Top 12, but last for quite some time... because if there's one thing that Hayley Scarnato showed us, fucking anything is possible on this show...
Amanda Overmyer went back to basics tonight with a rollicking take on Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You". Methinks a lot - not all, but a lot - of the damage she did with last week's "Carry On My Wayward Son" will be reconciled and her base will be re-energized after last night. She's still as uncomfortable as a sea gull wearing a tracking collar on stage, though. And VERY off putting with her perceived ambivalence when getting the judges' feedback.
No secret: I love every inch of Carly Smithson. Even though I thought she got a little shrill in the higher notes of Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night", I totally agreed with Randy when he said that watching her go for those is like watching someone blast targets with a cannon. Bitch is fierce. I think it's safe to say that Carly's consistency, excellence and dynamism has won over any haters who thought her previous life as MCA recording artist Carly Hennessey by this point.
Kristy Lee Cook makes me barf. I can't stands the bitch no way. I really didn't think her countrified take on Journey's "Faithfull" was all that artful and worthy of the lauding it got. I didn't think it was understated; it was unsure. And I'm sorry, bitch could not remotely pull off what she attempted to at the end of the performance. Ugh. PS - Jean Smart from Designing Women called and she wants her head back.Ramiele Malubay is not great. She's got a lovely voice with all sort of 'colours' to it, but she's got the depth of a bird bath. "Against All Odds"? Really? Apparently she's got quite an ardent fan base though, so expect to see her sail through...
Brooke White is gettin' on my last nerve - and something tells me I'll need to develop a few more nerves, because bitch is gonna be around for a while. I really have nothing to say about her whimpering, acoustic take on the Goddess Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" other than what I said about her before: although Brooke's homogenized, ethereal singer-songwriter thing is unique in this competition - and responsible for her appeal - it's far from unique in the music industry. Is her seeing-eye pony of a voice really going to be able to compete with the mighty steed of a voice like yer Carly's or yer Syesha's when it comes down to it? NO!
As much as I think she's an arrogant, smug little beyotch, Syesha Mercado worked it out tonight. That little Whitney nugget, "Saving All My Love For You" is no walk in the park - it's rangy as hell, requiring someone to go from the top of their chest voice to the bottom of their chest voice to the top of their operatic voice to the top of their chest voice again and again - but she handled it with an unappreciated ease.
GONE -
On both sides of the coin tonight, it's anyone's guess.
Although Luke Menard and Kady Malloy are the most likely candidates, anything's possible. Well, Luke's certainly less possible, but still.
Beyond those two, I'd have to wager that for the boys Michael Johns will be in danger. I just see him slipping through the cracks - I don't think he's given anyone a reason to vote for him beyond the fact that he's competent. Otherwise, Danny Noriega - and believe me, I'm spittin on the ground, knocking wood and throwing salt behind me as I say this - could find himself out there based on his sheer audacity.
On the girls side, in terms of talent, it should be Kristy Lee Cook, but something tells me that lanky bimbess will slide through. At this point, it looks like Carly, Brooke, Amanda and Syesha have each made their cases and carved out their niches, so I'd be worried right now if I was Asia'H and/or Ramiele. Whomever has the bigger fan base will prevail.
Bitch Salad roundup tomorrow!
--- Aj
SHANNON LAVERTY!!! Same thing goes for Shannon - she does shit on stage that I could never hope to do. She's been working coast to coast and burg to berg for a coon's age, but in a pre-Sex & The City world, was constantly told that she was 'too dirty' and "people don't want to see a woman on stage talking about that stuff". She's just absolutely incredible.
JAN CARUANA & STEFANIE DRUMMOND!!! Again, the same notion applies to Jan Caruana - if you've seen her improvise, you know that her powers are frightening. Holy fuck. And Stefanie Drummond has an inherent comedic genius that people would trade body parts for - talents that on full display, of course, in the film "Mean Girls"... I am SO excited for this...
REBECCA KOHLER!!! Another fucking fantastic, acerbic, contemporary female comic that I had the pleasure of working with when I spent that little stint in LA at the end of last year -
INESSA FRANTOWSKI!!! Part of the Sketchersons and mainstay of "Sunday Night Live", I love this woman. The highlight for me of any Sunday Night Live is Inessa's costume changes. For real. She is so particularly attired every time she comes on stage and as Oprah says, love is in the details. Couldn't be more true.
And of course, the entire evening is hosted by me. I don't think I need to blurb myself. Blurb myself. That sounds dirty. I think I'll blurb myself after the show tonight. Maybe even blurb myself to sleep. Yeah. That sounds nice.
So that's that. COME!
Who: Ghastly whore who went on "Moment of Truth" (that show where people hook themselves up to a lie detector and answer crazily personal questions and jeopardize their relationships in hopes of winning some cash) and admitted to cheating on her husband. For admitting that, she won $100,000. The next question was "do you think you are a good person?". She answered 'yes'. According to the lie detector, bitch was lying. HA! She lost all the money... Since then she's done a slew of interviews and has admitted that she's surprised she's not rolling in acting offers.
... But yeah. They did it on SNL. I can only assume that they took a page from me, though. Yeah? Yeah? No.
Linda Evangelista clocks in at 42 years old and hails from St. Catherine's, Ontario, CANADA! WOO-HOO. She entered modelling in 1978 upon winning the Miss Teen Niagara Pageant - which, I have to assume was filled with some real fuckin' beauts... if you know the Niagara regian local aesthetic, I'm sure you can understand. Aaaanyway - she was one of the Big 5 Supermodels back in the day... along with Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Christy Turlington - her claims to fame include kick-starting the whole "women having short, boyish haircuts" movement, lip synching George Michael songs and speaking the now-infamous quote "I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day". With blithe arrogance like that, I'm certain she would have been an asset at the ANTM judging table.
Jean Shrimpton is 65 years old and comes to us from Buckinghamshire, England. A staple of Londontowne in the swinging 60's, "The Shrimp" help make the emaciated, working class waif the gold standard that all models must abide by since. "But wait, aren't you talking about Twiggy?" Yeah... her and Twiggy are pretty much interchangable. They rose to fame at pretty much the same time in pretty much the same place for pretty much the same reasons. Her claim to fame, besides inventing anorexia, is that she wore the first miniskirt... EVER! Apparently bakc in 1965 she went to this huge hoity-toity sporting affair wearing a white skirt that went - *GASP* - above the knee. This was a huge fucking deal at the time. It spurred a revolution. Skanks have been rejoicing ever since. Seeing as her and Twiggy are basically the same person, and she'd have that whole "I wore the first mini-skirt EVER" thing going for her, I can't see her being out of place on the ANTM panel.
Carol Alt rings in at 47 years old and hails from Long Island, NY. Rocketing to fame in the early 90's via the Sport Illustrated sensation, Carol is yet another model who claims to be the first super model - she claims that title was given to her by then-head of Elite Models blah blah blah. She's gone on to star in a bunch of movies (mostly European for whatever reason) and wrote a book about the Raw diet - all raw foods, all the time. Currently, she can be seen proving her business acumen and tussling with Z-Listers Omorosa and Stephen Baldwin in the final episodes of The Celebrity Apprentice (a show that I swear to Christ I'm the only person watching). Opinionated and clearly at ease in a reality show environment, I think Carol would be a welcome addition to the ANTM inner circle.
Countess Vera von Lehndorff-Steinort, better known as Veruschka, is 68 years old and was born into an affluent family in Prussia (now Russia). Her father was a Nazi resister and tried (and failed) to assassinate Adolf Hitler! Well Adolf didn't take too kindly to that and had her father hanged. She spent many years in various labor camps until the end of the war, that then saw her study art in Hamburg. She was discovered by a photographer whilst there and her career as a model took off under her mysterious moniker "Veruschka". Towards the end of the 70's, she moved away from modelling and into the art world, becoming one of Salvador Dali's muses. From what I can gather, she had quite a penchant for body painting. Anyway - the woman's batshit nuts, peaked during the cocaine and art scene of the late 1970's and still looks good at almost 70. Isn't that more than enough reason to add her to the Top Model panel?
Jerry Hall is 52 years old and hails from Mesquite, Texas. Weird, right? I always thought she was British. She's kind of got a British accent. That's kinda fucked. Annnnyballs - this 6-foot stunner is yet another model who came of age in the fast and nasty 1970's, starting by treading the catwalks of Paris and eventually repping makeup giants like Revlon - but it's undoubtably her penchant for rock stars that have brought her most of her notoriety. Specifically, her turbulent decades-long affair with Mick Jagger. They finally stopped kidding themselves and called it quits for good a few years back, despite the fact that they share 4 children together. Of late, Jerry starred in her own reality show entitled "Kept" - which saw her put a dozen bachelors through charm school intending to annoit one as her new mate... yeah, it was fucking horrible. I think I watched 3 minutes of one episode and was like 'THIS SUCKS!' More of late: she's now the global spokesperson for erectile aid Levitra. Anyway, she's crazy, she's a total bitch, she's a fame wore and she's lived hard. I couldn't think of a better fit for ANTM.
Peggy-Anne Freeman, otherwise known as Donyale Luna, was born in 1945 in the Detroit projects (directly around the corner from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and Smokey Robinson, I'd have to assume. All those folks grew up around the block from each other back then, I swear...) Donyale was a big fucking deal when she broke in the mid-60's. At 6"2 and unimaginably thin, she was the muse of the greatest artists of her time: Warhol, Avedon, Fillini... the list goes on. She was the first black cover girl EVER - appearing on Harper's Bazaar and Vogue back in the mid 60's. But all was not right upstairs - described as 'always being in a dreamlike state' as a child, she developed an affinity for LSD and things just went to shit. Towards the end of her career, she started to develop some very erratic behaviour that included but is not limited to missing bookings, going everywhere barefoot and even speaking in her own alien language - shit that really is what dreams are made of in terms of having a crazy bitch judge on a modelling competition. Unfortunately that dream will never be realized as Luna passed away in 1979 at 34 years old.
Peggy Moffit is a lucky 69 years old, heralds from California and is easily the hottest bitch alive. Alongside visionary and co-hort Rudi Gernreich, Peggy became the poster girl for the avant-garde Mod movement and, I'm quite certain, could see her 20-year-old self walk into any hipster fete wearing any of the clothes that she did back then and easily make Vice Magazine's "Do's" each and every time. Her signature look was very signature: heavy eye makeup inspired by Japanese Kabuki theatre and a modified bowl cut known at the time as "the five point". This woman is fucking awesome - LOOK AT HER! I'm still not sure that the world has caught up to her. She's clearly got an eye for what's next AND she's CLEARLY not afraid to go outside looking a busted mess, so for fuck sakes Tyra, PUT HER ON THAT PANEL!
Lauren Hutton is a big, bad 64 years old and hails from Charleston, North Carolina. The woman who many people stand in consensus with being the original supermodel, she was the first model to score a contract with a major costmetic chain and promote herself as a brand. Her healthy, earthly, All-American-girl image was a huge shit deal when it hit, and she parlayed that into a reasonably successful stint in film. A self-proclaimed "adventuress" and avid motorcylist, Hotton's lived fast and hard, suffering some significant injuries and had more than a few near-death experiences - Read: She's insane in the membrane. Read: She's perfect as a judge on ANTM. I'm actually really surprised that this one hasn't come to fruition... hmmm...
Giving Peggy Moffitt a run for her money for hottest bitch alive, Carmen Dell'Orefice is a whopping 77 YEARS OLD and comes from New York. Talk about aging gracefully - still treading the catwalks and mugging for the cameras, this septugenarian has vowed to "die with my high heels on". She had her first Vogue cover at age 15 and has been working steadily since. I'd have to imagine someone with a career that spans 7 decades might have a pearl of wisdom or two to impart in the ANTM world.
Ohhhhhh shit. 59-year-old Grace Mendoza is originally from Jamaica, but relocated to Syracuse and became Grace Jones soon thereafter. After a stint in Paris (in which she roomed with fellow list-er, Jerry Hall) she moved to New York and because of her bizarre, cutting-edge, androgynous appearance, became the toast of the downtown subculture. A record-deal and modest yet impacting career as a recording artist followed - largely with dance music. This lasted, believe it or not, for three decades or so. Also dabbling in movies, her more prominent credits include "Boomerang" with Eddie Murphy and the unforgettable Mayday in "James Bond: A View To A Kill". She's a tastemaker and an iconic image, plain and simple. She's got balls six ways to Sunday. She's be absolutely perfect...
Oh hells to the yes. Biggest mistake ever? Getting rid of Janice Dickinson in the first place. No one could possibly do it like Janice, a fact that's not lost on her absolutely amazing reality show, "
In other, other news: