Haute Topics

Can I get a what-what? ... No, I can't.

Ahhhh... why hello, and welcome to my home. I'm nicely rested today after my 12-hour bout with the giggles yesterday caused by squarely by the phrase "We are holding Jesus ransom until you clean up the poopie from your wieners"... man... People must have thought I was fucking stoned out of my mind yesterday... I was just walking along, laughing hysterically to myself, pausing intermittently to sigh because I was laughing so much it hurt... bah... anyway...

Sooooo... some things:

A.) WORKING FOR THE TTC IS LIKE GOING TO VIETNAM

According to a study conducted by the venerable Toronto Star, a staggering 200 TTC (Toronto Transit Commission for all you non-Torontonians) workers suffer from severe stress brought on by acts of violence either impaired to them or witnessed by them.

It recounts tales of bus, streetcar and subway operators being punched, kicked, gang-rushed, spat upon even shot at and the quintessential stories of subway operators witnessing suicides via-subway tracks (which is truly the most selfish form of suicide... not only are you taking your own life, but compromising the schedule of others. For shame. Subway jumpers, along with teenage mothers and handicapped people on the TTC, are part of a group of people I call "pirates of my convenience". Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that. Ahhh well...)

Hmmm... there are kinda two sides of the coin here. Study after study have shown that commuting is the worst part of an urbanites' day, so right away there's inherent rage. On top of that THE COST TO RIDE THE TTC IS ASTRONOMICAL!!! In the above article, a solid fucking third of it talks about how fares will have to increase YET AGAIN to up the worker's salaries, pay for shields, a U.S. consultant firm to review the situation blah blah blah blah blah. Where the fuck is it going to end???

Why the fuck does mass transit work - and for much, MUCH less money and much, MUCH more efficiently - in other cities such as Montreal, New York, Boston and D.C. I really don't know what's wrong with this picture... if only I followed my dream of becoming an urban geographer... (for serious: I'm a HUGE SimCity buff)... ahhh well...

A solution I can see is creating some sort of passport system exclusive to the TTC that would need to be scanned to A.) confirm your 'character' and B.) keep record of who was where, when kinda-thing... I think that would be a solution, albeit pricey.

Failing that... Good old-fashioned racial and/or class profiling was helpful more than it was ever hurtful, so there's that... = )

B.) OSCAR NOMS OSCAR NOMS OSCAR NOMS!!! (no one [except Yerxa] cares)

Yep. Yawn. This morning, Hollywood It-girl Kathy Bates (not really), fresh from what I'd have to assume her early morning dump, took to the podium and announced this year's nominee's for a golden fella named Oscar.

And no one fucking cares. Yawn Yawn Yawn. Best Actor race is Daniel Day Lewis' to lose. Johnny Depp'll prove his only competition - hopefully the Deppster can finally pull off a win! Best Actress race is betwixt haggard screen siren Julie Christie for keepin' it real in 'Zheimer-fest "Away From Her" or some French chick for a movie about another French chick (I know it's Marion Cottilard and I know it's Edith Piaf... I was just trying to be apathetic to be cool) leaving pint-sized Canadian lesbo Ellen Page in the dust. In fact, the only real surprises came in the Best Actress category, which saw several popular choices shut out...

Sorry, Jessica. Next year.

But the REAL excitement comes in the Best Supporting Actor category, which is stacked with MAJOR movie-star heart-throb names like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Hal Holbrook and - oh God, I don't know if I can get out this last name without ejaculating - Tom Wilkinson! Wow, can't wait to see how those cards fall. I'm kidding of course. And that statue will go to Javier Bardem for that Coen brothers picture.

And then Best Supporting Actress will likely go to Cate Blanchett, making it her second Oscar. Yes. Cate Blanchett will have two Oscars. Talk about a wacky Wednesday (does anyone remember that book??? It was AWESOME!)

Anyway, adding the absolute dullness of this year's crop is the fact that the ceremony will be devoid of any sort of levity and wit whatsoever. Bruce Vilanch, who's sat in as head-writer for many telecasts since the early 90's, told EW.com that today would be the absolute last day for the Writer's Guild and studio's to reach an agreement and have the show go off without a hitch - seeing as much of the show isn't written until they know who the nominees are. So there. The Oscar's is gonna suck musky, musky balls this year.

I was so looking forward to Jon Stewart hosting again. Those attack add parodies they did when he hosted the first year killed me. KILLED me. Ohhh well...

3.) AMY WINEHOUSE IS i.) BACK TO BEING A BEE-HIVED BRUNETTE, ii.) VIDEOTAPED DOING CRACK AND PEOPLE SEEM SOMEWHAT SURPRISED

Yepper skeppers.

After a brief love/[hate] affair with blonde, Great Britain's jewel of neo-soul is back rocking her signature brunette bee-hive.

I don't even know why she would fuck with that - IT'S HER SIGNATURE LOOK! And you know how important signature looks are.

Granted, I didn't make the best case for her blonde locks with picture provided, but I think we can all agree - she's much better dark.

In other Winehouse news: Bitch certainly didn't take a page out of the Whitney Houston "I make waaaay too much money to eva smoke crack... Crack is Whack" handbook recently when she was both photographed and videographed by a "friend" getting cozy with a crack pipe.

Number 1.) Make some new fucking friends. Friends who don't tape you doing crack with their phone then sell your ass out.

More importantly,

Number 2.) DON'T DO CRACK!!! As per gleamed from Whitney Houston, IT'S WHACK!!!

Anyway, here's the video. Because, y'know, it's fun...

Done like Donda [West],

--- Aj