Haute Topics

Blurg...

Howdy...

It's everyone's favourite head-cold-ed, busted-toe, hot tranny mess...

I'm ill. And that's all there is to it.

Sorry for the no postage yesterday... I went home from work early and spent it sleeping. Well, sleeping and watching Sex & The City... as a few weeks ago, I made my annual splurge and bought the entire series (seriously... that's a huge deal... I'm a notoriously cheap bitch who never buys nothin', so it's kinda nuts).

I bought it partially in anticipation of getting "Carried" away this April when Sex & The City: The Movie hits theatres, and partially because I was sick to death of watching the hyper-edited and spliced together re-runs airing in syndication, mostly on the Erie, Pennsylvania CBS affiliate on my cable package. For real... I cannot fucking stand those watered down re-runs. It's like the character of Samantha doesn't exist, and when she does, they half-assedly cover up her spicy language. F'rinstance - in the episode where they go to the gay club, "All That Glitters", Samantha goes up to the urinals to scope out the cock. She comes back to the girls, and as it aired originally, says quite jubilantly - "I just saw five dicks!"... then in the watered down re-runs, it translates into "I just saw five [completely different voice in place of Kim Catrall's mouth very clearly saying "dicks"] thingies!".

Not. Cool.

Anyballs... so I'm rewatching S&TC in its entirety now, back to back to back to back - I think I'm either on Season 3 or 4 right now... Charlotte & Trey are trying to have a baby, Aiden just proposed to Carrie, Miranda just found out she's pregnant and Samantha just met Richard - and in my consecutive watching of it, have noticed something I didn't whilst watching it during its initial run: that show's timeline was fucked up somethin' fierce. You might even say, it was a hot tranny mess of a timeline. Might. Fuck - of COURSE you'd say that!

At any given point, they'll suggest time periods that vary from 2 days to 3 months transpire between episodes. It's quite jarring, really. It's a lot to digest in one sitting. But I should be so lucky that that's the worst of my problems...

Anyballs - SPEAKING OF SEX & THE CITY... the most unlikely of sex tapes/nude photos were released to the shock and awe of everyone recently... yeppers, talkin' 'bout Kristin "Charlotte York McDougall Goldenblatt" Davis!

Holy fuck... who saw this one comin'... Not me! Pictured to the right, is the unmistakably cherubic visage of Kristin/Charlotte slobbering all over a great big, skanky cock that's been cropped out, natch.

A photo surfaced of someone who looked an awful lot like Davis/York earlier this week positively mowing down on some dude's beaver cleaver with a promise of more to be found on a porn website. The curious few who did indeed pay the $29.95 for access found no such photos, however.

A scant day after this, more photos were leaked - many assumed that they were accessories to a full-blown sex tape. Immediately, Davis' press rep denied that they were her, despite obvious telltale similarities betwixt Kristy D and the woman pictured - apparently taking a page from the debacle that was Vanessa "Pizza Beav" Hudgens leaked nude photo scandal. For good measure/old times' sake, once again to the left, to the left, is the aforementioned photo of a nude Vanessa-Anne Hudgens with her unmentionable bits obscured by objects similar in size, shape and composition. I just never tire of seeing that.

Now TMZ has reportedly unearthed the whole story. The photos were taken back in 1992 by her then-boyfriend, a New York chef named Eric Stapleman.

Apparently he got pissed at Kristin recently and sold them to a third-party. This third-party then sold it to a fourth-party and now they're online and everyone's now blissfully abreast of what Charlotte's once-sacred business looks like.

Of course, this all beckons PUBLICITY MACHINE! Very convenient that pictures of Charlotte's beav are leaked just as the publicity for the S&TC movie begineth. Very convenient.

Points for innovation. The obvious choice to have a sex tape leaked would have been Kim Cattrall/Samantha... Cynthia Nixon and her portly lesbian lover would have horrified everyone beyond repair, and everyone knows that SJP and Matthew Broderick live sexlessly as each others' beards... so Kristin Davis/Charlotte having a intimate property released is the most buzz-creating and unlikeliest choice...

Now [completely believable to the point that no one is batting an eye] rumours are swirling that Lindsay Lohan has a sex tape. And Amy Winehouse has nude pictures leaked... And that high-priced skank who sexed up disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer was offered 1 mil to do something in Girls Gone Wild only to have it discovered that she had already given the milk away for free several years earlier on one of their previous editions...

So help me God, next thing you know, it'll be discovered that Estelle "Sophia Petrillo" Getty made an amateur watersports video pre-Golden Girls... whose cover art, incidentally, might look like this...

I'd like to extend my deepest apologies to her family. I'm so, so sorry I just did that.

In other news:

Last night marked the departure of two of my favourite hot tranny messes of reality television history: Amanda Overmyer from American Idol and Marvita from America's Next Top Model.


Sadness abounds.

Firstly, yes yes yes I know I missed my Idol recap yesterday. I was sick. Deal with it. All I basically would have said is that Archuleta regained his steam, Carly was amazing, Kristy Lee Cook needs to die and that harmonica part of the song that Ramiele sang is haunting my dreams. I then would have predicted that the bottom three would consist of Kristy Lee, Amanda and Michael Johns with Kristy Lee making her eagerly anticipated exeunt, without flourish.

Of course, that's not how things panned out. Instead, resident rocker-grrrl Amanda Overmyer was sent packing whilst Krusty-Lee Cock continues the proud tradition of Haley Scarnato before her. I can't tell you how much I would have given to see Amanda under the tutelage of upcoming mentor Mariah Carey. When hairy met scary. Oh shit. Ah well. T'wasn't meant t'be.

And Marvita. Oh Marvita. Poor lanky hood rat Marvita. I really liked her, but she just gave up. As Tranny Banks said, she gave up on the competition before the competition gave up on her. Too bad. She looks like some haute-couture version of a dog about to put to sleep in that picture. Boo-urns.

Anyway...

It's Easter this weekend...

I hope I feel better. As I'd like to get drunk.

Ta!

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Bitches Hated

Ew.

I'm sick, y'all.

On top of my assfucking toe - which is doing better... in that I'm now just in pain and general discomfort, as opposed to be completely debilitated... so like, I don't hobble along the periphery of a hallway with the elderly and other disabled people anymore... BUT STILL.

Anyway... now I've got this sniffle bullshit and my head is like a haunted Maritimey ports mouth, it's so cloudy. Which is going to make my stint hosting the SketchComedyLounge and the Rivoli tonight go extra smoothly, I'd have to bet.

Holy fuck, y'all. I am going to be a hot tranny mess this evening.

Which, by the way, is I think the new standard greeting for everyone in the world as of this past week, thanks largely in part to this little offering from last week's SNL:

You don't even understand - EVERYONE I know has adopted the pet name "tranny" and everyone that they know and so on and so on. A conversation that took place Sunday morning on the phone betwixt Yerxa, Anth and myself... "Yeah Tranny... I don't know what Tranny was thinking... Oh - hold on... it's Tranny on the other line... [switches lines] Hey Tranny, I'm on the other line with Tranny". IT'S GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.

Anyway... yes... hot tranny mess... am I making sense right now? I doubt it.

Moving right along...

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

SILDA SPITZER

Who: Harvard Law School Graduate-turned-Corporate Lawyer-turned-wife of recently disgrace New York Governor/Frequent Call Girl User/Outright hypocrite-turned-Podium accessory.
Why I Loved Her: I just figure it's been a rough week for the bitch, and she could probably use some love. Holy fuck. Can you even imagine being her? First - your fucking husband, who famously champions against the sex trade and pornography industry, is caught spending close to 100 grand on a call girl (who, btw, ain't even that cute... shoot) then, to protect yourself and your daughters who in no way asked to be in this situation, have to go and drag your sorry, demeaned ass up onto a podium alongside your positively squalid lying shitbag of a husband while he seeks penance from the public all the while thinking to yourself "Sildie, would it have killed ya to give up some poon once in a while?" Holy fuck. I don't envy your position, bitch.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

SALLY KERN

Who: Objectively: Oklahoma House Representative/Staunch "Christina"/Lover of "facts"/Purchaser of hideous pantsuits. Subjectively: Basically the dumbest bitch alive. I can't say I've ever wished heart-bursting death on anyone as much as I've wished it on this dumb bitch.
Why I Hated Her: Wasn't that about the most audacious thing you've ever heard? And this woman ACTUALLY believes the shit that she's spewing. High point of that speech: when she clarifies things and says "now, I'm not gay bashing"... saying that it's factually a dangerous lifestyle, stating the fact about suicides... yeah... the reason that gay people fucking commit suicide in the first place is because they're likely in situations where they're surrounded by evangelic psychopaths like you who make it impossible for them to live! The kakamamiest thing, however, has to be when she says that "the homosexual agenda is a greater threat than terrorism and Islam". Wow. This woman is a scorchingly hot tranny mess. And not in a good way.

K... I'm off...

To take medicine...

And do comedy...

Big big BIG post about Kristin Davis and her sex tape tomorrow...

I promise...

--- Aj

CaTOEstraphe

That one reached so far, I think m'arm exited its socket.

Happy Friday to you!

So, yesterday, I went to go and shoot a Video On Trial and 10:30 AM. Yes, AM. Holy fuck. I got up at 8:30 and was like "oh no... this isn't going to happen... I'm going to have the fucking energy level of Charlie Rose..." But after about 8 cups of tea and my daily dose of the previous day's "The View" piping out of my VCR, I managed to shake the blahs and was my reasonably energetic self.

Whilst hobbling out to my street to attempt to catch a cab, the greatest thing in the world happened to me: I bailed. Wiped out. Head over tea kettle. Yep. And just started swearing incessantly. And old man who was near me at the time asked me if I "tripped on the fire plug" or something and I was just in no mood... I barked "What the fuck are you talking about bitch! I don't got time fo' dis!" and flagged a cab.

So it's official - the world is trying to kill me. Like Dominic "Charlie" Monahan on Lost. Speaking of which - did anyone watch that last night? Holy balls. If you didn't, you missed perhaps the greatest bitchslap in the history of bitchslaps - what happened was a Sun and Jin (the Korean hotties) decide they're going to relocate to another camp, but Juliet (played to perfection by Elizabeth Mitchell... whom it's been long established that I fuckinglove) will have none of it - so to prevent them from going, Juliet blurts out that Sun had an affair before they got on the island...

Well, Sun struts over the Juliet - and because usually, this chick is just about as docile as a lapdog no one sees it coming by a mile - and just fucking BITCH SLAPS Juliet half way around the world. It was all I could do to cheer. It was amazing...

I wish I could find a clip, but I couldn't. DAMMIT!

B'aaanyway...

In other news: David "Stripper who performed for a mostly male audience" Hernandez was given the boot on Wednesday, and I couldn't be more pleased. Also, I can't help but think it's 90% because I posted a picture of him with his pubes hangin' out. Yes.

I've read a few exit interviews with him since his ouster and he's very serious. He's very much someone who subscribes to this "God has other plans for me" rhetoric. Yeah, She/He does. She plans for you to go back to twirling your great big, skanky, uncut Hispanic sausage around for creepy older gay gentlemen for dolla bills. Maybe while you sing "Papa Was A Rolling Stone".

Seriously, the most that's going to happen for this guy is that maybemaybemaybe he'll score a part in a regional production of The Full Monty: The Musical or something. I'm so sick of hearing these fucking eliminees speak of having lofty dreams and say "this is just the beginning". NO. IT'S NOT. HISTORICALLY, IT'S REALLY, REALLY NOT. You really need to win at this phase of the Idol machine if you want to be successful, and even then it's not a guarantee.

Then they sight Jennifer Hudson, who finished a disappointing seventh place, then some years later scored the role of a lifetime, won an Oscar for it and now has a career as a bona fide film star.

Yeah.

To counter that argument, I'm going to sight Charles Grigsby, Julia DeMato, Rickey Smith, Trenyce, Leah LaBelle, Jon Peter Lewis, Lindsay Cardinale, Niko Smith, Vonzell Solomon, Melissa McGhee, Ace Young, Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey, Scott Savol, Stephanie Edwards and a positively MIND-BLOWING slew of other people who went absolutely no where after their stint on Idol. Not. Going. To. Happen.

Anyballs... I don't have too terribly much more to say today.

I haven't even posted a picture.

Shoot.

Okay... here's one... it's everyone in the world's role model - Phoebe Price (who? Exactly. All she does is go to red carpet things... she doesn't do anything beyond that - with her sister... I mean, a pig...

I'm going to go and will my bones to heal faster.

--- Aj

TOErture, Day 4

Annnnnd it's worse...

I should probably ice the bitch or something. But I hate it when my feet are cold - it's so uncomfortable! Blah!

Yesterday as I was making my way home at around 5:30-ish - so the dead of rush hour - trains were evacuated due to a "medical emergency" at Sherbourne station. Read: Some INCREDIBLY selfish asshole decided to commit suicide - both of their life and my comfort.

I poured up to street level to try and catch a cab, which was going to be virtually impossible in this rush hour crowd of uppity commuters all wishing to do the same. I hobbled almost all the way to Church & Wellesley, seeing cabs whiz by me as if I were invisible. I'm not gonna lie - I was about to give up. I was just about to crawl into an alley and die... I swear... you know how wounded animals do that? Crouch into the most far, darkest corner of a pantry and just wait for the clock to run out? I totally get that now.

Then a heroic prince named Mahmoud came to my rescue with his fair steed and whisked me home. Huzzah!

Anyballs --- I really need to stop writing about this toe shit. I refuse to have this blog be all about my toe! It's like I'm that person who was going to commit suicide, set a year-long expiration date and then started a blog to document their final days (only to end up not committing suicide because of the community that developed as a result of the blog) - only much, much, MUCH less interesting.

No matter...

A few things:

1.) Mariah Carey is subbing in for Janet on SNL this weekend!!!

Yep. That's pretty much it. Janet was supposed to musically guest this Saturday with host Jonah "how is it that this man has remotely succeeded in a visual medium" Hill, but because of a nasty bout with the flu - PS... does EVERYONE have the flu right now? Does no one take heed and get they'ze damn flu shots except for me? My mother gives me mine every Christmas, and I have this really annoying habit of laughing hysterically whilst and when I get needles... it's really creepy and embarrassing... but I digress -

Anyballs - Mariah has not musically guested for nigh on 10 years now and has yet to appear in a sketch. I'm hoping she jumps in there a time or two this episode...

2.) Idol Last Night!

Syesha: Spirited. A little pitchy. All things considered, one of the better performances of the night, however - ill-timed. Historically, the first person who's performed the inaugural week of the Top 12 shows has been in the bottom 3. People just can't be expected to remember that fucking far back.

Chekezie: came out of nowhere. Exciting performance and really spun everyone on their head starting with that bluegrassy shit. He's effectively borrowed some more time. But like, really... is that Idol material? No no no no no... he's about as equipped to be a solo artist as Nathan Morris or, perhaps, Wanye Morris from Boyz II Men...

Ramiele actually put me to sleep. I'm not lying. I was laying on m'bed at the time, and bitch was like the aural equivalent to a bottle of Nyquill. I'd be absolutely confounded to see her safe after that.

Jason Castro was phenom, again. I liked it. I disagree with the 'college dude with a guitar' thing because I know many of those dudes and I couldn't stand when they fucking did that... for real... guys with guitars were the bane of my existence in University... it was just this instant conversation killer. Anyway - I thought the whole thing was touching and adorable. We'll see how much longer Jason can keep that obliviousness and honesty up before his head enters his ass...

Carly Smithson continues to be my favourite person ever. "Come Together" - How the fuck awesome was that?! It was definitely a star-making performance and the indisputably best of the night...

I'm kind of over David Cook. Yes he does what he does well, but is he at all charismatic. I don't think so. I'm kind a sense that people are falling for the combination that A.) he occupies a concept (namely: Emo rocker) and B.) he's competent. I get a far more Constantine Maroulis-esque fate from him rather than a Daughtry-esque fate...

Brooke White crawls up a notch above "meh" for me this week. I don't know if I'd say that what she did was the result of raw emotion or sincerity, but rather out of hysteria and nerves. Hard to tell. Who the fuck knows? Bleaty McBleaterson will be around for a while.

David "Stripper for a Mostly-Male Audience" Hernandez told tales of working in a pizza bistro. Is that what they're calling it or nowadays? Or is it that I could waltz into a Piziola and get tea bagged? Whatever the case, his widely lauded performance ability is turning out to look less like raw talent and more like "Up With People"-esque serviceability. PS - WE CAN SEE YOUR PUBES IN THAT PICTURE!!! AHHHHH!!!

Amanda Overmyer is kinda sorta starting to get it. She could look a little less displeased to be there, but she brings a very distinct flavour to the competition, no doubt. One thing that's starting to annoy me: how she randomly inserts "child" (pronounced: chahld) into her phrasing. She should last another week, though...

Michael Johns bores me to tears. Anyone with me? He's got a nice voice. I'm sure he'd make a killing in musical theatre or something, but he's just so terribly bland it makes me heave. That sexy accent will only be able to pull him so far...

Kristy Lee Cook still makes me want to wretch. Find me one person on this earth who found that countrified take on "8 Days A Week" anything other than appalling and I'll give you a handful of a snozberries (and I know... "who ever heard of a snozberry"... that's the point... they're nonexistent/rare). I still don't know if that's enough to boot this bitch, though... *sigh*

David Archuleta ate it. Hard. The whole thing reeked of inconstancy - to say that the cracks are starting to show is the understatement of the year. I will say that he had the most awesomely obvious lyric blackouts ever though... ACTUALLY saying "hmm mmm hmph vmmm" where lyrics were supposed to be... after that, somewhere Wayne Brady and the "Don't Forget The Lyrics" crew are battling a boner that won't go down for months...

As much as Kristy Lee Cook SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD go, she totally won't. In fact, I'd wager her not even being in the bottom three. I'm going to call Syesha, Ramiele and David Hernandez in the bottom three with David being the first to safety and in the third minor shocker of the season, an especially pissed-off Syesha will be sent unpacking... replete with dozens of pans to a shocked and slightly guilt-ridden Kristy Lee Cook looking on...

3.) Is this really Tom Cruise?

Confirm or squelch that this picture is actually of Tom Cruise...

If it turns out to be real, I can't imagine Xenu is going to sleep too soundly tonight... Thetans, am I right? Yeah, you know I am.

That's gonna be it for today.

I'm in the semi-finals for the Great Canadian Laugh-Off tonight at Yuk Yuk's downtown.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to perform stand up comedy tonight when the operative of "stand up comedy" is "stand up". Hmmm.

Anyballs,

--- Aj

Confessions of a Penis-Toe

Hey everybody...

[said as mopely as possible]

So it's fucking broken. BROKEN. And there's only one universal treatment for broken toes (except for the big one... since something like %50 of your body's weight falls on it, it requires a cast and crutches) which is ice the bitch, stay off the bitch as much as necessary and suck it the fuck up, bitch.

MmmmmHmmmm. And do you know how long this bullshit is supposed to last for?! UPWARDS TO AND INCLUDING (but not limited to) FOUR MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS!!! That's right... I'm going to be hobbling at tortoise speed for quite sometime... and you can forget gayin' it up... well, actually, you can really forget doing anything that requires walking for more than 50 paces.
So as you can imagine, I'm terribly pleased with this situation.

The toe itself looks less like a cock, but a cock nonetheless. I can't tell you how much fucking stand up I'm doing in the coming weeks that this is going to absolutely en-feeble me for... I honestly have to imagine I'll have to do it in sock feet... fuck...

I'm not a very good cripple, as you can tell.

Whatevs... I'm over it... well that's a complete lie - you full blown know that this blog is going to transform itself into some fucking "wounded toe journal" for the next month... oh well...

I missed doing a Top 10 last week. And, seeing as this is the first night of finals on American Idol, season 7, I thought I'd do a 'down that I've been wanting to do for quite sometime...

Here's my Top 10 [Non-Obvious] Greatest Performances in the History of Idol!!!

Qualifier: When I say non-obvious, that's what I mean. I guess I could have also used to term "unappreciated" or "underrated" instead... Basically what I mean is that there will be no mention of the obvious high-points like Carrie Underwood doing "Alone" or Fantasia doing "Summertime" or Blake Lewis doing "You Give Love A Bad Name" or Constantine doing "Bohemian Rhapsody"... none of those universally lauded performances - this list is meant to make you go "oh yeah... that's right... that was good..."

And we Begineth [Paltrow]...

10.) Carrie Underwood - "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"

Who: Winner, Season 4
What: Top 3 week, Carrie's personal pick
Why: If you could give a physically depressed vagina a microphone, it would sing "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" by Air Supply. This is the song that so many high school seniors lost their virginity to in the back of a van back in 1983. I was understandably sceptical when I heard that every one's favourite robotic Rodeo princess would be tackling this, but to my shock, awe, pleasure and delight - she turned this shit out. Carrie fucking wrestled this beast to the ground, hog-tied it and ripped its heart out of its chest. After she held that last note for a week and a half, THAT is when I was convinced she'd be the most successful Idol alum ever.
Obvious Alternative: Billboard Number 1's, "Alone" by Heart

9.) Paris Bennett - "These Foolish Things"

Who: 5th Place, Season 5
What: Her rendition of the Billie Holiday classic on "Great American Songbook" night.
Why: Paris' ability to channel jazz legends right down to the most particular affectation was downright chilling. As in holy fuck y'all, somebody call da Ghostbustas. No where else was this applied more beautifully than this tingle-inducing performance that charmed the pants off of even the one, the only, Rod Stewart. And if it's good enough for Rod Stewart, it's good enough for you MOTHERFUCKER!
Obvious Alternative: Her initial audition, "Take Five"

8.) Kimberley Locke - "Home"

Who: 3rd place, Season 2
What: Stephanie Mills classic from the movie "The Wiz" on movie night
Why: First things first: I love Kimberley Locke. She's very overlooked when it comes to successful Idol alum, actually. She's had 7 Top 10 hits (yes, on the Adult Contemporary chart... but three of those went to Number 1), sold oodles of albums and has a massive gay following thanks to a love affair with the remix and a willingness to play each and every gay pride festivity that will have her. Anyballs - although it took her a while to find her footing in Season 2, she was well on her way when she belted out this mega-theatrical power ballad. They way that she can effortlessly control that fucking wrecking ball of a voice of hers is truly commendable - I always thought she sounded like Daphne Rubin-Vega in power-balladeer form.
Obvious Alternative: "New York State of Mind" on Billy Joel night

7.) Bo Bice - "Drift Away"

Who: 2nd place, Season 4
What: First performance, first week of semi-finals, first time that Bo had been shown singing
Why: Back in Season 4, it was established that there were two 'rockers' (read: two contestants with long hair). The heavily pimped producer's pet, Constantine Maroulis, and some other scraggly dude quirkily named Bo Bice. No one had any idea who he was or what his deal was - until he busted out this little ditty and got everyone to clap above their hands excitedly in unison. An underdog was born... ... .... (and then died, as everyone knows that he eventually succumbed to Season 4's eternal front runner, Carrie Underwood, who has continued to dwarf him in the real world...)
Obvious Alternative: The hauntingly acapella "In A Dream", Bo's choice on Top 3 night

6.) Diana DeGarmo - "Don't Cry Out Loud"

Who: 2nd Place, Season 3
What: Clive Davis' pick, Top 3 night
Why: Say what you will about Diana DeGarmo and her swinelike qualities (well, Muppet-style swinelike qualities) but after she sang every last trace of shit out of this Melissa Manchester classic, no one could argue that she couldn't sing. Humorous: Imagine throwing her off a building on that last note... "Remember You Almost Had It Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll..."
Obvious Alternative: "Turn The Beat Around" on Disco/Donna Summer night

Palette Cleanser: Haley Scarnato - "If My Heart Had Wings"

WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't know why I hate this song/find it so hilarious, but I just do.

5.) Vonzell Solomon - "I'll Never Love This Way Again"

Who: 3rd Place, Season 4
What: Clive Davis' pick on Top 3 Night
Why: Is it absolutely just me, or was Vonzie the most underrated contestant in American Idol history? Like, really - is it just me or is/was this bitch just as talented as Beyonce? Like really - she was fucking fierce. She could sing the shit out of anything, she was gorgeous and ferociously personable. I don't get why a bigger deal was never made about her... and reeeally don't get why she's gone on to do absolutely nothing since... oh well... Anyway - on her swan song, Vonzie worked the shit out. Like for realsies - I find that to be a master class in singing. Bonus points for the Brenda Dickson-style reveal at the beginning...
Obvious Alternative: "Best Of My Love" on Billboard Number 1's week

4.) Clay Aiken - "Unchained Melody"

Who: 2nd Place, Season 2
What: Clay's pick, Top 3 night
Why: No secret: I'm not achin' for Aiken. I find him to be a deplorable hot mess who needs to keep his mouth shut and his skanky dick in his pants and out of the unprotected assholes of AWOL marines. But his take on this Righteous Brothers classic was devastating...
Obvious Alternative: "Bridge Over Troubled Water"... or "Somewhere Out There"... or fucking "Solitaire"... or one of the million other power ballads he sang to death...

3.) Kelly Clarkson - "Without You"

Who: Winner, Season 1
What: Judge's pick, Top 3 Night
Why: The original Idol with the platinum pipes, Kelly did a note-for-note perfect rendition of this Foreigner/Mariah Carey gem that proved exactly how world class the bitch is and was. AND - this was back when Idol was run super-sketchily and they were all being overworked beyond belief and their voices were cracking and they were being rushed to the hospital for dehydration and shit! These new Idols don't even know!
Obvious Alternative: "Natural Woman" on 60's night

2.) Fantasia - "What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life"

Who: Winner, Season 3
What: Second selection, Big-Band Night
Why: Perfection, anyone? This was a fucking Oscar-worthy performance, if y'ask me. Of a song I'd never heard before, but fell in love with instantly after watching Tasia absolutely murder it. Really, there wasn't anything that Fantasia did do that wasn't considerably better than what ya usually see on that show, though. And it absolutely makes my head spin to think that she had to learn all these songs phonetically. Holy fuck.
Obvious Alternative: Uhhh, "Summertime", obviously

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) Jennifer Hudson - "Share Your Love With Me"

Who: 7th Place, Season 3-cum-Oscar Winner
What: Initial Audition
Why: I remember back in Season 3, I was in 4th year University. It was my final semester and I was in the finishing stages of a Queen's Players show I was directing and the middle of a sort-of long-distance relationship with this dude in Toronto. We would tele-conference nearly every night, and, of course, one of the hot topics was American Idol. At this exact point, they were still in the middle of countless audition episodes. I think they'd just shown William Hung or something. I can remember coming home that night, calling him - not having seen the night's episode yet - and the first thing out of his mouth was "there was a big black lady on tonight you're going to like very much". Truer words have never been spoken. From the second this bitch opened her mouth, I knew. And she has yet to disappoint.
Obvious Alternative: "Circle Of Life" on Elton John week

And then of course tonight, it begins again.

FUN!

I'm off...

Please - whatever you do - be good to your toes,

--- Aj

Arch Enemas.

I don't even know what that's supposed to mean...

Well, it's a reference to my feet... because, you see, if there's one person who's most definitely NOT a candidate for foot fetish porn right now, it's me.

Saturday night: in a fit of drunken 'shenanigans', some play-fighting went a titch too far and a toe on my right foot (not the middle toe, not the baby toe, but that useless one between those two) bore the positively elephantine brunt of someone.

Currently, it's so swollen, it looks like a penis. A great big, skanky, scarlet-red penis with a dwarfed toe-nail on the end of it. It's not too glamorous. I thought about taking a picture of it, but really, it's so gross.

So I can barely walk. I'm someone who's very "Point A to Point B in the quickest amount of time" so this is driving me MAD. I'm fucking hobbling everywhere like a wounded wildebeest. I'm officially like one of those exceptionally slow elderly people that I hate - and will STILL hate after this has healed, make no mistake about it... no no no no no - this will absolutely not give me any sort of perspective into what it feels like to be someone who's mobility-challenged... I'll still find those people annoying as hell. Well, I might be sympathetic for them for like, a week. But after that I'll be back to rolling my eyes, snarling and baring my upper teeth at them...

Anyballs... this weekend in Toronto sucked. We were lambasted by snow, yet again. This has really got to stop. Holy fuck. Like, it's just never ending at this point. Particularly if I'm given crutches, watch out. Me trying to manoeuvre crutches for the first time in my life and in the the thick of the snowiest winter we've ever had in Toronto... Fuck that. I'll take disability. I wonder if I can do that. Hmmm...

Anyballs, Pt 2. -

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

DANNY NORIEGA

Who: Big-voiced elfin Emosexual/13th-place finisher on Season 7 of American Idol.
Why I Loved Him: What is conceivably not to love? The first unabashedly out semi-finalist in American Idol history, Danny sassed and snapped his way through whatever Simon could dish out. Beyond that, he served as a positively glowing example to teenage homos that's sorely needed right now in the wake of a string of teenage homo murders, or rather, teenage homo-cides. Beyond THAT, his little emo vlogs that have surfaced (like the one above - TAKE THAT, CHRISTMAS! *SNAP*) are fierce.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

LISA RINNA

Who: I know. Who exactly is this bitch and how did she get famous? Her big 'acting' credits are as some pseudo-vixen on daytime soap-opera, Days Of Our Lives, which she parlayed into playing another pseudo-vixen on night-time soap-opera, Melrose Place. She then parlayed that into a hosting gig on TV Guide Channel's Soap Talk and competed on some season of Dancing With The Stars. She now does stunningly-informed work at various red carpet events for E!, as per evidenced above...
Why I Hated Her: Beyond the fact that her face is irreconcilably busted, and that she's someone who would gleefully attend the opening of an envelope... DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, ASSHOLE! I have problems believing that you're too busy practicing pursing your lips in the mirror to take 2 fucking minutes out of your day and Google Amy Adams. GOOD GRIEF!

Speaking of Amy Adams... her SNL was a little underwhelming this weekend... the standout sketch, for me, was the last one - which seems to be a recurring theme of late... "Lady Business" was the last sketch of the Tina Fey episode... Ellen Page's coming-out sketch was the last sketch last week... hmmm... - anyway, the sketch centred around 4 single girl friends going out to a bar continually performing a dance they did back in high-school to varying tempos, pretending like they were reluctantly forced to do it... They did it at normal speed to Rihanna's "Umbrella", then double-time to REM's "It's The End of the World", then half-time to Peaches & Herbs' "Reunited" THEN they did it to one guy's chime-y cell phone ring! AMAZING!

I totally knew girls like that in high school. Girls who got together for talent shows and made up thoroughly uninspired dance routines that you know they dig out every time they're gathered together and preface it by saying "Oh God! I wonder if I even remember it... let's see... does it go like - "

Yeah...

Anyway...

Ow.

Ouch.

My toe is going to be amputated.

Fuck.

See you tomorrow,

--- Aj

Bitch Salad Retrospecticus

Well... firstly...

It's a dark day.

Everyone's favourite chola boychild, Danny Noriega, got the boot in an unprecedentedly emotional episode of American Idol last night.

I returned home last night from my first night hosting at the downtown Yuk Yuk's club (something, by the by, that I didn't think I'd get to do for years so I'm super excited and happy that I got to and it went fantastically! yay!) only to find that Kady Malloy and Luke Menard were given the boot, to the surprise of no one.

Kady seemed ready. Her song was pretty brutal though. She was madly out of tune. It's like she was a brass instrument and she just went through a car wash 3 times. Eek. Luke Menard, on the other hand, should really consider dabbling in gay porn, or at least gay-for-pay porn. He's kind of hot, not gonna lie.

Anyway - upset no. 1 of the night - Kristy Lee Cook stays in favour of Asia'H Epperson. It was that song, honey. Do me a favour everyone who ever competes on Idol in the future: NEVER SING WHITNEY HOUSTON'S "I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY". You WILL be kicked off immediately. It was super sad. She was super pretty (in a sort of CW sitcom sort of way), had a fantastic, unique voice and her dad died. Shitty.

However, no one could have possibly prepared themselves for what was coming next. Danny Noriega is passed over for Chikezie. A million homos scream "NO!!!" to the heavens simultaneously. Well, not all of them. But still...

Oooh-howdy I was pissed off. And that's strange. Typically, I've got gallons of haterade and blind jealousy going for gays who are granted access to a public forum - particularly when they define their entire being by their culture and the cliches wherein (*cough*Sean Gehon*cough*) - but not Danny. I loved that little he-chola. He was so ballsy and I liked that. I can relate. Whatwhatwhat.

Anyballs...

BITCH SALAD HAPPENED ON TUESDAY!

Here's my requisite recap...

First things first, the mix I made before hand was amazing. Holy fuck. I outdid myself, if I do say so myself. I fucking LOVED it. Which is great, because that pleases my key demographic and the only person who actually cares about the music beforehand - me. Good grief.

First comic of the night was the one, the only SHANNON LAVERTY!!! Here's Shannon's story: at the age of 21, she moved to Toronto from Saskatchewan, where she'd been hitting the open mic scene for a year and a half. This is the early 90's. Shannanigan's style is loose, sly and sexually aggressive. She's told for years that 'she's too dirty' and 'people don't want to see women on stage talking about stuff like that'. This is a pre-Sex & The City world, mind you - before it was 'discovered' that women actually did talk like that. I think it's so important that female comics today realize the uphill battles she's had to trek and the dead ends she's needed to bust through to blaze that trail. Hmph.

B'aaanyway. Shannon is someone who talks to the audience, and she's the best. That terrifies me. TERRIFIES. I could never - at least, right now - throw caution and my act to the wind, ask someone "where are you from?" and materialize 5 minutes of funny stuff out of that, let alone the half an hour that Shannon can. It's mystifying.

Next up were the thoroughly hilarious Jan Caruana and Stefanie Drummond! So you know that my big thing was "holy fuck! It's the chicks from Mean Girls!"... yeah... guess who COMPLETELY FORGOT TO EVEN MENTION THAT THEY WERE IN THAT FUCKING MOVIE WHEN HE INTRODUCED THEM... ... ... in case there's any sort of confusion there, I'm talking about me. Yeah.

Anyballs, they came up and their schtick consisted of talking shit about Lindsay Lohan. It was hilarious and little more complex than it sounds. The premise was that they'd go up and talk about all these nice things she did while she was in town filming Mean Girls (ie. placing puppies in adoption programs, educating orphans on the street) but make it sound like she was doing these crazy cunty things... it was hilarious.

And of course I got Stef to deliver that line "Everyone thinks I'm a slut because I wear super jumbo tampons. But it's not my fault that I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina". That was kind of the high point of my life. I get the impression that Stef's a little sick of saying it though. I guess her and the "where's the beef" lady have more in common than I had previously thought.

Next up - Rebecca Kohler!!! There's nothing that I love more at The 'Salad than taking a young, attractive, contemporary female comic with fantastic material and sass to spare who I see struggle with a typical 'comedy club' audience that can't digest a female comic who's not Rita Rudner-esque and seeing them KILL IT with the Bitch Salad audience. That was the case with Katherine Ryan, that was the case with Sara Hennessey, and that was certainly the case with Rebecca. It was the only time that I really saw her material done justice by the audience and it was FANTASTIC to see!

She also booked a Video On Trial off of the night, so that's a bonus, too. = ) --- More of a bonus is that I'm on the episode as well. So holy fuck it's just a win/win/win/win/win.

Inessa Frantowski blows my fucking mind. First off - the girl is just lovely. You couldn't ask for a lovlier person, really. Second off - the character she did was AMAZING. I didn't take a picture of it and I'll rue that for the rest of my life. She was bedecked in a short gray wig, a short sleeve plaid shirt and high-waisted kahkis that came up easily past her navel. The character was this really stammery, tangential, over-sensitive middle-aged woman who over-explained and justified things talking about how she wished she could have done something heroic at 9/11. You just had to be there. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

In a new segment at the 'Salad, my dear gal-pal and burgeoning comic genius Heidi Brander took the stage to deliver some hard-hitting news through the use of puns. Yes, PUNS. Heidi can weave puns like no other... the feature was called "Headlines: With News Corres-PUN-dant Heidi Brander". In betwixt each item, a slide whistle would sound to absolutely hilarious consquences. Check this shit out:

An historic section of downtown Toronto was destroyed recently, as a fire gutted
several buildings on Queen West. Though the blaze was devastating, firefighters
expressed relief that it did not originate in Greektown… because it’s really
hard to put out a Greece fire.

Relations between the Chinese and
the Taiwanese governments are at an all-time low. One explanation for this could
be that the delegates from both countries have Taipei
personalities.

According to a recent poll in celebrity gossip magazine Us
Weekly, 80% of males aged 18-35 are fans of Angelina Jolie, 60% of women aged
49-65 are fans of Tom Cruise, and a whopping 98% of dyslexic gamblers are fans
of Jack Black.

Development officers have announced plans to set up an NGO
to support the marginalized members of Toronto’s bisexual community. When asked
what the newly established bisexual NGO will be called, officials responded,
“B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O…”

Just in time for High School Musical
3, Disney has announced plans to release a life-size Zac Efron doll.
Unfortunately for Canadians, the doll will only be available in the United
States, meaning the Zac Efron doll is likely not worth the cost of shipping. But
it’s TOTALLY worth the cost of handling.

Yes. It was a thrilling debut. I was all too pleased.

Then of course, there's Debra DiGiovanni. What can I possibly say about Debra that hasn't been said? She's one of the biggest names and freshest voices in comedy today. And one of the fucking nicest people you'll ever meet. All too often when you start out - I think, with anything... but especially in show biz - you meet people that you idolize or who've been really successful and you build yourself up for this momentous experience with greatness and you're just COMPLETELY let down about how a.) boring or b.) much of an asshole they are. Not Debra. I first met Debra two years ago - March, 2006. I was doing an all-new material night and she was hosting. I met her backstage right before I went on and she was immediately familiar and gracious.

Anyballs - since then I am just so delighted beyond belief whenever I've had the opportunity to work with her. She's truly a class act. Moreover, the fact that I know her has gotten me laid - on more than one occasion, btw - doesn't hurt, either.

I'm off.

To do things that Andrews do.

Smell ya later,

--- Aj