Maaajor American Idol Spoilers... [Potentially]

Hey. How are ya? Really. Tremendous!

So... American Idol anyone? If you're like me, and clearly, you either are or aspire to, you've sustained what has seemed like millennia of audition episodes, featuring the requisite slew of intentionally unfunny posers and genuinely retarded people - be it socially or otherwise - and of course the rare smattering of actual talent.

Last night marked the first night of Hollywood week. Where all the 'gold ticket' winners are cruelly hacked down from hundreds to dozens. It's generally my favourite period of Idol, so imagine my disappointment to find out that this week is fucking IT! Just two episodes. Bah Humbug.

So, in spite of that, Imma full blown post the leaked Top 24 for y'all right now.

I got this from a dudes' blog who got it from another dudes' blog, so take it with a grain of salt 'er two. Buuuut if you'll notice, none of these people were cut last night and were all showcased as solid and promising... so we'll seeee...

First off, I'll spoil the boys, because I really couldn't care less about them. The only guy I remotely liked was that gay dude, Leo Marlowe. Mainly because he was i.) openly gay and ii.) not some mugging freak who cried on a moments notice. But noooo... God forbid the Idol producers actually put through three-dimensionalized a gay dude for once... anyballs... What it seems we're left with...

Again, MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD:

Click on their names to watch their audition...

Chikezie Eze - auditioned last year. Randy wasn't 'feeling him'. Sang a gender-revisionists version of Whitney Houston's "All The Man [Woman] That I Need". Meh. Another rotund black dude with a velvet-y voice. Been there. Done That. Bought The T-Shirt. Cut up said T-Shirt and used it as spunk rag. NEXT!

Colton Berry - Completely unexceptional 16-year old with pleasant voice. He'll be gone before you can say "AJ Tabaldo".

Danny Noriega - (Pictured) Rejected last season, now this season's resident questionably eye-brow'd 16-year-old fag who doesn't know it yet, so ergo, is acceptable to allow on TV. Danny - everyone from the game "The Legend of Zelda: A Link From The Past" called... they want their head back.

David Archuleta - Buttery-voiced, baby-faced crooner who suffered from vocal chord paralysis as a child... blah blah blah boo hoo... the first of many cases of debatably established contestants this season, David won Star Search when he was 12. The debate stands "Is that fair or not?" I don't see that being a problem.

David Cook - This season's resident 'rocker' who knocked the shit out of Bon Jovi''s "Livin' On A Prayer" in his initial audition, and fared nicely with Bryan Adam's "Everything I Do I Do It For You" on last night's episode. A little too cool for school, but probably the strongest guy of the bunch.

David Hernandez - Someone we didn't see until last night, to say that this muchacho belted out "Love The One Your With" with gusto would be the understatment of the year... or rather, la subestimación del año... Aaaand that's about enough appropriating Hispanics for one day.

Garrett Haley - Couldn't find zip on the bitch. Gonna hafta bet there's a reason why.

Jason Castro - Guess this is him, what with his myspace profile pic being him during an American Idol audition. He's got several clips of him playing up on the y'tube. Apparently he used to date Cheyenne Kimball. For that fact alone, I'm not a fan. Add on top his white-man dreads, and yeah, ew.

Jason Yeager - One one side of the coin, you have the 'debatably established' artists coming out this season... Exceptionally talented people who just haven't been able to 'hold onto their break'... then there are just washed up competent people who have put in face time all over the place but fail consistently... Jason seems to be of the latter set... Apparently was a finalist on "Making The Band" years ago, unfortunately not prevailing in getting into O-Town... I'll bet that still haunts him... then a finalist on some show called "Country Tonite"... according to his myspace, he's religious... yeah... I dunno what to tell ya...

Luke Menard - Another dude we've seen neither hyde nor hair of, apparently he's descendant of an acapella outfit entitled "Chapter 6". I can only hope on his official American Idol contestant page, he lists "Rock-A-Pella" from Carmen Sandiego as one of his musical influences.

Michael Lee Johns - Another debatably established contestant - he was once the lead singer of a band called "The Rising", who either were or were about to be signed by Madonna's "Maverick Records" - bitch is Australian and the judges have quite a boner for him. I don't get it myself, but whatever floats y'boat.

Robbie Carrico - Yet another debatably established contestant, Robbie is all rock 'n roll now... but he sure as balls WASN'T!!! Formely one quarter of a early millenial pop group entitled Boyz N Girlz United, (*cough*, yes) they opened for Britney Spears in Europe. And apparently, Britney opened for Robbie in Europe because the two were rumored to have been dating. Maybe she'll show up and support him if he cracks the Top 12. And if she's not dead by then.

So yeah... That's the dudes...

Pretty unremarkable if you ask me. Where the balls is Leo Marlowe??? And that gigantically fat black gay guy who sang "Big, Blonde & Beautiful" from Hairspray last night??? And as annoying and pompous and rough around the edges as he was, that Josiah Leming kid who sang with a British accent? That kid would have been HUGE! Ohhh well. Maybe he makes it and this list is a lie. Whatevs...

One things' for sure... if the Top 12 girls' spoiler list is correct, things could get very interesting... instead of just listing them off in alphabetical order, I'll instead rank them, because that's much more fun...

12.) Amy Davis

What the hell was that supposed to be? Singing? Really? "Vocal Potential"? Where? Yeah. Bitch makes last season's Hayley Scarnato look like Maria mothafuckin' Callas by comparison. Someone lucked out...

11.) Kristy Lee Cook

Pretty, I'll give her that. And doesn't entirely make me vomit with how girl-next-door/cabin she is because she's a cage-fighter, and I found that unexpected. But bitch please. Y'can't sing. You've heard of paint-by-numbers? Well her interpretation of Amazing Grace - which was aparently so stunning she had to bring it back during last night's Hollywood round - was like trill-by-numbers. It was the most textbook 'contemporary' interpretation of that song ever. Methinks she's in waaaay over her head.

10.) Alex Lushington

Maybe she's got range that's mind-blowing and we didn't see it, but other than her super-cool vibe, her Grandma who's been around since the 1800's and a last name that sounds like a pseudonym that a rock star would use to check into a hotel under, everything about Alex is entirely underwhelming.

9.) Alaina Whitaker

Strong voice. Too young. Classic case of a contestant that won't have the slightest clue what songs to pick other than ones she's seen on Idol before. Beyond that, she'll be directly competing with Brooke, who's a better singer and a natrual charisma, and Kristy-Lee, who's prettier and more representative of middle-American values.

8.) Ramielle Malubay

Big voiced little Asian chick. Me likey. She can certainly sing, there's no doubt about that. And Asians have been dramatically under-represented on Idol (William Hung notwithstanding). Again, I wonder about her depth to show people things they haven't seen yet. Very young and already hammering Idol standards to death. We'll see, though...

7.) Kady Malloy

Pretty. Kind of interesting. Theatrical. I'm just not sure where she fits in the grand scheme of things and can see her being forgotten about and slipping through the cracks early on.

6.) Joanne Borgella

LOVE her. Don't love her voice as much as I love her, but love her just the same. Finally, a sista with class. She'll have a lot to compete with in her 'category', with Syesha being younger, hotter and a better voice, and that Asiah and her whole back story of her father dying, but she could score a lucrative Lane Bryant campaign out of this, at least.

5.) Brooke White

This bitch is gonna be dangerous. I, personally, don't find too much exceptional about this chick, but she's connected - routinely winning every poll I see. And they really haven't seen someone of Brooke's style or skillset (a-la ethereal-yet-pop singer-songwriter). Not to mention that she's sacharine sweet. She'll be quite a force to be reckoned with comin' up.

4.) Asiah Epperson

Speaking of dangerous, talk about a back story with legs. If you don't know/didn't watch, what happened was Asiah's father died 2 - yes, TWO - day before she found herself standing in front of Randy, Simon and Paula. She decided to sing LeAnn Rimes' "How Do I Live" in tribute to him. Apparently, Asiah can really fucking sing - she's got a smokey voice that reminds me of Monica, only more robust. Yeah. I think she's a very sure bet for Top 10.

3.) Syesha Mercado

Whooooaaaaash. BITCH CAN SANG, Y'ALL!!! On top of that, SHE FIERCE!!! She's like Vonzell Solomon from Season 4 only bigger voice, more aggressive and insanely personable. I might even liken her to a young Whitney. It'd be a punishable crime if she didn't make the Top 5 at least.

2.) Amanda Overmyer

HELLS yes. I oft like to see when contestants compete on American Idol who are direct throwbacks/downright dopplegangers to other established artists. It's kind of like seeing how these established artists would fare in the Idol game. Amanda IS Melissa Etheridge. Holy fuck. The world has been waiting for this bitch. I can't wait to see how far she goes.

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) Carly Smithson

Yeah. Umm, she's good. Story about her: Do you at all remember Season 5? When the judges were doing press tours during the auditions and said that the best singer they saw all season - the best one they'd had yet - was this Irish girl who auditioned in Vegas? Then it turns out, she couldn't get her visa approved and couldn't compete? And evvvveryone wondered, "who the balls is this Irish girl"? Well, as it turns out, it's Carly. There's a bit more to this story... a few years ago, there was an artist named Carly Hennessy. She was poised to be the next Britney Spears... her record label, MCA, had reportedly spent 2.2 million dollars developing her. A single and video was released, "I'm Gonna Blow Your Mind". Well, she didn't. Bitch sold 400 albums. She was dropped. This entire debacle became a the topic of an article in the Wall Street Journal (a kind of heartbreaking read, actually). Yeah. This has become an issue. While she's currently mired in controversy, there is absolutely no debating the fact that BITCH. CAN. SANG. Anyballs - she's my favourite and I absolutely, unequivocally agree with the judges that she's one of the best they've ever had.

So that's [potentially] the Top 24.

I'm off. I'm doing Spirits tonight. It's supposed to be a good show.

Happy trails!!!

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Hated, Song of Week

Good Monday to you...

So, it's officially The Day After Tomorrow outside right now. Minus Jake Gyllenhal, which would be the only upside about this shit.

Y'ALL, IT'S COLD! Shoot.

It just makes me want to sob. I really hope shit milds the balls out soon. I bought a new wind-breaker over the weekend and I can't wear it soon enough - Hear that spring? SPRUNG Y'SELF ALREADY!!!

Anyballs...

Grammy's last night...

Amy Winehouse swept. Record, Song, Pop Vocal Performance AND Best New Artist honours. Here's hoping the natural high kept her off the bottle for the night at least.

GLARING omission was her losing the Album of the Year award to Herbie Hancock's Joni Mitchell-inspired obscurity. I find it so hilarious when that happens... when the seminal album of a year/generation is shockingly passed over for a more 'credible', insider-y, arcane piece of poo... I'll never forget back in 2001 when Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" was passed over for some random with a capital "R" album by Steely mothafuckin' Dan... It was an incredibly controversial year for Eminem at that point... he was being protested by gay rights groups that night and performed "Stan" with Elton John... and everyone was on the edge of their seats to see if he'd be rewarded or condemned... and then in the anti-climax to end all anti-climaxes, Steely Dan wins. Golf-claps abound. And these two fucking hobbits putz up to the stage and bore the world at large to absolute tears. It was HILARIOUS.

Anyballs... Kanye West also won some awards... so hopefully he'll shut the fuck up for a while. I had heard that Whitney Houston was supposed to make a cameo during Alicia Keys' performance of "No One" - which was about the most unnecessary staging EVER. Did bitch REALLY need that keyboard on that other stage? Basically what happened is she started out at her piano, which she really needs to do, as if to say "hey y'all. I'm a musician. Make no mistake about it. I play instruments." then she grabbed the mic, got up, flounced around, ululated... then made her way down a catwalk to a centre-stage thingy which had a keyboard on it... which she then reached her left-hand over to and struck a few lower keys... she didn't sit down, or even fucking do some brief solo or something, just pressed some keys. I was like "WTF?!" I thought it was so unnecessary, but that's something I'll have to live with...

WELL... there was no Whitney Houston in sight, but instead Alicia was joined on stage by... ... ... John Mayer [pictured to the left, to the left wearing the Borat one-piece swimsuit on his "Mayercraft Carrier" cruise lines or something... I don't really know... nice ass, though... I wouldn't come up for days...]

That was about it. Aretha Franklin is basically a danger to herself and the world at this point. I'm not certain that the earth's ground can hold her anymore. Ooh-Wee bitch is big. And just does absolutely nothing to camouflage that fact. So I guess I kinda gotta hand it to her... no matter...

Pressing on...

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

DARCEL [WYNNE]


Who: 5'5", 106-lbs former Head Dancer of the legendary Solid Gold dancers spanning 1980-1986/Chocolate-coated sex on a fucking stick. Now a born-again Christian with three kids, married to one of The Temptations.
Why I Love Her This Week: This one is long over due. Dynamism. Drama. Dexterity. All words that jump to mind immediately when the name "Darcel" is uttered. So many reasons to love this woman: i.) She's rockin' Moesha nails... not necessarily the most practical things for a dancer to sport, but the height of sass nonetheless, ii.) She's rockin' the Elizabethan hair configuration... all hair is removed from one's head up to the crown... iii.) Her body is criminally insane... if her body was a serial killer, it'd be John Wayne Gacey-kinda-thing... but moreover...

GET A LOAD OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING MOVES, YO!!!

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL

Who/What: It's that assfucking groundhog that determines our immediate fate every February when he comes up out of his hole, either sees his shadow or doesn't, and if he does, DAMNS us to 6 more weeks of winter. The story goes that every February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on - and I shit you not - some place called Gobbler's Knob, in front of thousands of followers who, as per evidenced in the above photograph, are dressed like absolute dicks - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.
Why I Hate Him This Week: Because bitch done seen his shadow and as a result, I'll continue to freeze my vagina off for 6 more painstaking weeks.

SONG OF THE WEEK

So it's winter. And it's gonna be for quite some time. And that sucks more than I can possibly describe. So I figured - in a grand attempt to shake off the winter blues and blahs - I did what I usually do when I need a pick-me-up... I made a mix.

Yes... My winter mix. For those of you who loved my "Dance Mix 2007" - and there were a lot of you, thanks for that - you'll fucking love this shit...

1. Mary J. Blige - Just Fine (Moto Blanco Mix)
2. Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (Moto Blanco Mix)
3. Timbaland feat. OneRepublic - Apologize (Lenny B Mix)
4. Snoop Dog - Sexual Eruption (Wideboys Mix)
5. Spice Girls - Wannabe 2008 (Soul Seekers Piano Mix)
6. Britney Spears - Piece Of Me (Bimbo Jones Mix)
7. Santana feat. Chad Kroeger - Into The Night (Tommie Sunshine Mix)
8. Tony Moran feat. Martha Wash - Keep Your Body Workin' (Bassmonkey Mix)
9. Nicole Scherzinger feat. T.I. - Baby Luv (Ralphi Rosario Mix)
10. Justin Timberlake & Beyonce - Until The End Of Time (Maurice Joshua Mix)
11. Kimberley Locke - Band Of Gold (Almighty Mix)
12. Annie Lennox with Madonna - Sing (Dean Coleman Mix)
13. Janet Jackson - Feedback (Moto Blanco Mix)
14. Kelly Rowland - Work (Freemasons Mix)
15. Tone Loc feat. Peaches - Wild Thing (Peaches Mix)
16. Princess Superstar vs. Mason - Perfect (Exceeder) (Original Mix)
17. Ashley Tisdale - He Said, She Said (Von Doom Mix)
18. Sia - The Girl You Lost To Cocaine (Stonebridge Mix)
19. Rihanna - Don't Stop The Music (Wideboys Mix)
20. Felix Da Housecat - Like Something 4 Porno (Original Mix)
21. Natasha Bedingfield - Love Like This (Johnny Vicious Mix)
22. Nelly Furtado - Do It (Passengerz Mix)
23. Jordin Sparks - Tattoo (Tonal Mix)
24. Enrique Eglesias - Somebody's Me (Jody DB Mix)
25. Celine Dion - Taking Chances (I-Soul Mix)
26. Indina Menzel - Gorgeous (Scotty K Mix)
27. Mika - Relax (Take It Easy) (Dennis Christopher Mix)

Phew.

Download/Listen to it HERE!!!

Freezingly yours,

--- Aj

See You Next [Super] Tuesday

Hey everybody...

Sorry I've been so scarce and scant this week. Life gets in the way from time to time to time.

So first things first: this snow stuff has got to stop.

Fuck that groundhog - Punxsutawney Phil, I believe his name is - who seen his daaayumn shadow and scurried back down his mothafuckin' hole. I just can't handle 28 more weeks of this shit or how ever much longer we have of it...

In other, lighter news:

GUNG HEI FAT CHOY, Y'ALL! It was the Chinese, or, in more gentrified terms, Lunar New Year yesterday! So, all you rats, this is your year. Hope it's a good one. Or, at least as good as years get by rat standards.

Anyballs...

So much has happened yet nothing has. I'm talking specifically about Super Tuesday - the day in which a slew of states go the polls and make their voices heard. Well, it's a bit more complicated than that. I actually don't understand it fully. They're primary elections in which people come out and vote for the delegates that they're going to send to each respective party's convention which will in turn vote for their respective nominee. It all seems very convoluted and set up to trick the American people into thinking that their voice is represented when it's not represented at all... which seems to be the foundation that American politics has been laid upon... b'aaanyway...

So Clinton and Obama are neck-in-fucking-neck. Well sort of. Apparently he won more states, but she won more delegates, whatever that means. I think it means that whilst he won more states, she won states with bigger populations, hence, more important ones. But they're still pretty neck-in-neck.

I'll come out and say it, not that it has any sort of bearing or influence whatsoever - but I'm a Hillary fan. I wasn't. I was totally team Obama at the beginning, but I'm all about Hillary right now. There's just something about her I unwaveringly trust. LOOK AT THAT FACE?! Well, maybe not in that picture per se. But yeah.

For real. I think she means what she says. And moreover, is actually prepared to make it happen. I just get a lot of hype and idealism from Obama, which sooo many people are subscribing to.

I hear so many people say "he's inspiring". Inspiring what exactly? It's very much one thing to say 'this needs to change' and 'that needs to change' but I'm not certain he's able to realistically execute that whereas Hillary has a bearing on what can realistically be accomplished and is prepared to make it happen. Again, LOOK AT THAT FACE! That's the face of a do-er if e'er I've seen one.

One thing that's kind of driving me nuts is all the endorsements and campaigning on Obama's behalf. It's such a popularity contest now, which is such bullshit. It is EXACTLY like the movie "Election", in so many respects. Hillary is totally Reese "Tracy Flick" Witherspoon - the better-prepared if slightly overbearing candidate - and Barack is totally Chris "Paul Metzler" Klein - the popular varsity jock. And Oprah? Oprah is TOTALLY Matthew "Jim McAllister" Broderick in this whole fiasco!!! ... Well no.

Anyway... it's gonna be interesting to see how that all boils down... as Clinton and Obama basically agree on everything and champion the same causes. I guess the tie breaker is going to be which prejudice is stronger with the American people - racism or sexism.

On the Republican side, however, it's a bit spicier of an enchilada. The cold hard truth to the Republican side is that they're a party divided. The Republicans, by and large, are a congregation of religious extremists, unscrupulous capitalists and warmongers. They'll come out in droves to support someone who explicitly panders to that - i.e. George W. Bush - and more often than not, in their communal lunacy, make quite an impression.

This year, they don't have anything remotely near a sure bet. Mitt Romney was sort of as conducive to what gives them a boner as they were gonna get, but after much doubt came from his flip-flopping ways (supported gay rights and abortion when he was a Massachusets senator and needed to pander to democrats... now, obviously, doesn't) and the gigantic red flag that his super-creepy Mormonism raises, he's completely isolated himself. If he wasn't richer than God, he would have been out ages ago.

Huckabee certainly gives a lot of them a boner, but as far as anyone who's not home-schooled/even believes in the possibility of evolution goes, he's a good-old-fashioned loony toon who'd be better selling holy oil on a soapbox in the village square of some hamlet in Tennessee.

There's a lot of talk about the only reason Huckabee is still in the race was to sabotage Romney by splitting the votes, leaving McCain to be the front-runner. Which brings me to McCain...

It strikes me that the Republican strategy behind putting McCain up as the nominee is that he's the most likely of any of them to win because he's the moderate, and after the absolute bedlam of the Bush administration, that's the best that any of the Republicans can hope for... it's their way of compromising, I guess... The only thing about that is that it severely angers and isolates those core crazy conservatives...

I guess they think this way, dems or independents will actually view a vote for another Republican nomination as an ACTUAL OPTION AT ALL... which is just sooo fucking isn't. Sorry. Not gonna happen. People are not going to willingly fuck themselves up the ass with a live curling iron this time. The only reason they did last time was because [according to exit polls] they "were concerned with the protection of family values"-AKA-were vehemently against gay marriage and would rather see war and mass corruption rage on than two dudes get married. And that's not even a thing now... Democrats wised the balls up about that... Hill's said that she will in no way change the definition of marriage - and she totally doesn't mean it, you can tell that it's said with a heavy-lidded wink, but she knows that who she needs to pander to...

Another HUGE deal with last election is that it was a lot of ethnic minorities (or rather, majorities, as it were) voting for Bush because they too couldn't fathom two dudes getting married - but now with immigration policy set go drastically against their favour under a Republican administration, you can kiss the highly coveted WOP vote "Adiós".

Anyballs... it's gonna be interesting to see how the next few months unfold.

And that was my attempt at talking politics. What's that? You don't see me being poached by the Huffington Post anytime soon? Agreed.

One more thing:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANTHONY SUPPA!!!

Lates,

--- Aj

Bitches Loved, Hated and Song of the Week!!!

Hope this finds you well.

This past weekend's been kind of a bust... mainly because of the assfucking snow. Snow isn't that bad, but it's the slush that kills me. Slush needs to go. Can someone do something about that? Thanks.

Soooo... it was a fight to the finish, but the honours of Bitch YOU Loved In January goes to........ CAROL CHANNING!!! [Pictured, below, in her ode to Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation"]

Based primarily on her riveting performance of "Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday", C-Chan toppled rock goddess Pat Benatar, gladiatrix HeLLga and brilliant comedy duo Julie Klausner and Jackie Clarke... what a delightful treat the same week that she turns 85-years young! [For real... January 31st is Carol Channing's birthday... 8fucking5 years old, y'all!]

Earning the distinction of Bitch YOU Hated In January is none other than Xenu's number-1 boy-beav, Tom Cruise. It was neck-and-neck with Poopie Pants Jean Mansel until the bitter end, and although they officially tied, I retracted my vote for Jean Mansel thereby evening things up.

Based primarily on the fact that he's basically willed his own downfall with a boner for Scientology that keeps sprouting more veins almost daily, Tom Cruise is not longer the Top Gun with All The Right Moves but instead Far & Away from The Colour of Money that comes from making good movies NOT starring Scientologist freaks... it's pretty Risky Business if y'ask me... phew... that was exhausting... I need a Cocktail... ... ... um... ... Magnolia?

B'aaanyways... THAT'S THE PAST! ON WITH THE FUTURE!!!

BITCH I LOVE THIS WEEK

CELINE DION

Who: French-Canadian chanteuse as legendary for her killer mezzo-soprano belt as she is her panache, zeal, bonhomie, feistiness, cocksuredness and joie de vivre.
Why I Love Her This Week: Okay. I was never a Celine Dion-guy. I always found her to be a female Michael-Bolton-type. I was much more a Whitney Houston-guy... maintaining that Whit has more edge, which I still hold true. But my appreciation for Celine - much like black olives and port wine - has acquired in my young adult years. Beyond the fact that she's the picture of endurability - in image, performance and especially voice... in fact, I dare say that she's stronger now in those three departments than she's ever been - bitch has been singin' like it's her last time on stage every night for the past 20-some-odd years. Plus, everyone knows, if there's one thing that I'ze loves... it's a crazy bitch... and Celine Dion has earned her crazy points in the clip montage below...

Yes. "I dedicate this song to all the parents of the world... and all the children of the world..."

Celine Dion - Je t'aime.

BITCH I HATE THIS WEEK

CARMEN MOLINA

Who: 35-year-old "Evil" Lesbian convicted of beating her 23-year old lover's toddler son, Yiovanni, to death in a drunken rage after he soiled himself in hopes that it would teach him a thing or two about advanced potty training. [Not actually a picture of Carmen Molina... just another mugshot of a random chick named "Carmen" that I found on mugshots.com, but it'll serve this purpose mighty fine...]
Why I Hate Her: Way to give surly Hispanic lesbians a WORSE rap, Carmen... or should I say CarMAN! What are you gonna do bitch? Come to m'house, drunk of y'ass full'a malt liquor 'n Cognac and beat me after I soiled myself? Well, it's a little too late for that, senorita.

SONG OF THE WEEK

We all have those "HOW THE FUCK DID THIS NOT BECOME A HUGE HIT" files, don't we? Songs on albums we've purchased that we're all just individually confounded did not become number 1 anthems? I think we do.

My love affair for this song began in 2004 when I stumbled on it upon downloading Kelis' 2004 release, Tasty. This move was primarily influenced by her devastatingly awesome hit song, "Milkshake".

How could anything be as good as that song you ask? Well, lightning did indeed strike twice with the song "In Public".

Featuring her then-boyfriend, now-husband Nas, Kelis gave a melodic voice to all y'all freaks out there who like mashing your bangers together in public places where others can see...

Choice lyric of the song: "The pussy or the mouth, that is the question / Like shakespeare but my erection is the case here / I ain't got time to drive you all the way home / But instead i can slide you to a club bathroom or a resturant mens' room / Then I can zoom in your womb"

Yes.

Download/Listen to it HERE!

Dedicating this to all the parents and all the children of the world,

--- Aj

Judging the Current Crop of CBC Show Entirely by Their Subway Advertizing

Everybody,

So how the hell are you? I'm freezing. The heat is off in my office for some reason and I'm THISCLOSE to actually lighting some furniture that we're not using on fire. For real. T'will be a bonfire... of the vanities... literally... they're some actual vanity hutches suitable for storing and applying makeup in front of in the corner... hence, again, the bonfire of the vanities...

I sure do know how to open. Balls. Anyway - the opposite of cold? The absolute Carol Channing-FEVER that everyone has broken into since I posted this earlier this week. Apparently it was this 'thing' that everyone saw when they were a kid and didn't know whether or not they dreamed it... but no... the shit is as REAL as the nose on m'face. So, if you LOVED that, make sure to express that Channing-love by voting for Carol Channing in the Bitch YOU Loved This Month!!! Conversely, show Tom Cruise or Shirley Phelps-Roper or Britney Spears or Jessica Sierra or Jean "Poopie Pants" Mansel who's boss by voting for them in the Bitch YOU Hated This Month!!! Polls close Friday, and this is an effin' tight race so far.

So... anyone who frequently rides the Subway in Toronto may have noticed, from time to time, that the CBC - the Canadian Broadcasting Company A-K-A Canadian Tax Dollars Well-Spent - has a very... let's say, formulaic approach for advertising its new series each season.

They buy out an entire car and plaster it with several adds depicting the core cast of characters with some devastatingly glib line that's supposed to represent a snapshot of the character. When they were promoting "Little Mosque On The Prairie" for its second season, shit like "Prophet for Profit" next to the main Muslim guy, and "Practising Islam... Until She Gets It Right" next to the white chick who marries the Muslim guy and needs to covert blah blah blah blah blah. I know... it's shit that the dowdy, "Sarah-Plain-'N-Tall"-lookin' student teacher from your high school English class would have written/found amusing.

Baaaanyway - as somethin' fun to do, I thought I'd offer snap judgement on three new shows premiering on the CBC this winter based solely on their Subway advertising. I will judge them based on what looks to suck the least to what sucks the most...

Looking to be sucking the least...

1.) THE BORDER

The Premise: A high-strung drama revolving around the comings, goings and doings of the ICS (Immigration and Customs Security). At first I was like "this show is about them bitches up in Customs?", because as anyone who's passed through Canadian Customs knows, A.) they're straight-up cunts, and B.) it's not terribly exciting. What the fuck would the show be about? People apprehending fruit and dramatically cheaper foreign booze or over-reacting to Canadian Entertainers going to L.A.? Yeah. But no... apparently it's about terrorists trying to get into the U.S. via Canada which is a very real and present threat.
What I Can Gather From The Adverts: Yeah... I know everything I need to know from looking at that picture. From left-to-right: Cocky womanizing hero-type who constantly clashes with his superior, Pretty/Brainy chick proficient in many languages, Boss-Man and Father-figure, Icy No-Nonsense Sexy Chick who becomes romantic conflict, and lastly, Computer Guy/Bimbro. Leave it to CBC to S-P-E-L-L I-T A-L-L O-U-T for ya...
Snap Judgement: Well, I can't really recall what the Subway 'snapshots' said - which is probably a good thing... in that they weren't horrible. Meh. It looks good. Nobody can say that it isn't an attractive company. I'd probably say it's like a Canadian version -automatic-ergo- Poor-Man's version of 24.

Looking to be sucking...

2.) SOPHIE

The Premise: Sophie runs a talent agency. Sophie finds out she's pregnant. Sophie's baby-daddy, Rick, recently dumped her and starting seeing her best friend and top-grossing client. He's also planning on starting his own talent agency and poaching everything that's great about hers. Annnnnd SCENE.
What I Can Gather From The Adverts: Sophie is down on her luck and surrounded by a 'colorful' cast of characters in her daily life... A gay best friend, a spastic assistant, a domineering mother. Wow. They're blowing my mind right now. Subway snapshots say shit like: "Life is a bit brighter when I sip tea... and think about slashing my ex-boyfriends' tires!" and "My favourite place is... anywhere my control freak mother isn't!"...
Snap Judgement: Yeah... this is gonna suck. It looks like they took those unbelievably annoying Special K commercials about those three 'office buddies' who talk about how fabulous being on the Special K diet is and made into a mothafuckin' sitcom... full of cliches and archetypes and gah it just makes my head spin... PLUS that bitch totally looks like Teri Hatcher, which is never a good thing.

Looking to be sucking most...

3.) MVP: THE SECRET LIVES OF HOCKEY WIVES

The Premise: I gather it revolves around hockey wives and how rich and skanky they are. To be perfectly honest, this looks so terrible, I couldn't even be bothered to even b'google it d'once.
What I Gather From The Adverts: They might as well have just fucking slapped Leafs jerseys on the cast of Desperate Housewives...
Snap Judgement: Hmmm. Okay. This is the lamest shit I've ever seen. Did some douchebag in first year television production at Humber conceptualize this? Does he have a sexy tennis drama in the works called "40-Love"? Or a sexy drama that takes place on the diving boards of an Olympic swimming pool called "The Sexy Diving Board Drama Show" or something equally as fucking lame BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS LAME!!! It is such a maladroit effort to make this sort of show Canadiana. Look at those fucking martini glasses - SO AS TO IMPLY THAT THEY'RE RICH, Y'SEE. Meh. At least they got the hockey hair right.

So that's that. I won't watch any of them. Nope. Not a single one. I think the only thing I've watched on the CBC in the past year was something on sex trade workers/sex slaves in Canada. Did you know that a lot of sex slaves are brought here from foreign countries under Canada's elusive "Exotic Dancer Visa". Yeah. We totally have one. In that if you're an "Exotic Dancer" (*cough-Straight-Up-Whore-cough*), you can be granted temporary citizenship. Isn't that skanky?

Anyballs... I'm off to do whatever it is that I do...

--- Aj

Greatest/Most Tragic Headline EVER

Jokers, smokers, midnight tokers,

How the balls is everyone this balmy Tuesday afternoon??? Have you voted for the Bitch YOU Loved This Month and the Bitch YOU Hated This Month??? If not, I urge you to do this. Someone's reputation is riding on this.

Okay... whilst thumbing through the New York Post as I'm occasionally prone to doing, a certain headline leaped out at me:

Yeah. You're reading right. "Evil Lesbian Mom (is there any other kind?) Left Toddler To Die Slow Death". Once you get over the initial histrionics of the "Evil Lesbian" part, the story really isn't so humorous.

It's quite something: Once upon a time Zahira Matos, 23, left her home in Michigan for the wilds of New York City, and in a scene straight outta the movie "Monster" met one Carmen Molina, 35. The two fell in love, and much rug-bumping ensued. Although it's unclear as to how long they had been together, Ms. Matos had three children... a three-year-old daughter named Yahmliz, a two-year-old son named Yiovanni, and a teency two-month-old newborn named Kimberley. Anyway - they were living together in absolute squalor in some tenement up in Harlem. The phone had been cut off but the fridge was well-stocked with beer, as Ms. Molina was a bit of a drinker, y'see.

One fateful evening back in September, 2007, Ms. Matos decided she wanted to go out partying... presumably to shake the blahs of being tied up with a newborn for the past two months, and left her children alone with her lesbian partner Ms. Molina to look after them.

Enter the astounding logic of the poor: What with the arrival of baby Kimberley, and what with Ms. Molina's ravenous appetite for booze, the family could only afford diapers for one child... this meant that little Yiovanni - two weeks shy of his second birthday - would have to get potty trained... AND FAST! Apparently the best method to do this was to use negative reinforcement each and every time he made an illegal numero deuce... so that's what happened. For every poopie, Yiovanni would get pummelled by a 30-something Latina lesbian.

This particular night little Yiovanni soiled himself whilst Ms. Molina was giving him a bath. This did not sit well with Ms. Molina - who, according to additional reports, had ingested FOUR 22-ounce bottles of St. Ides malt liquor (2 times the alcohol content of beer) that she'd been mixing with Cognac (YES, COGNAC. Couldn't afford diapers, but could afford Cognac.) - and as a result, she began drunkenly beating the toddler into submission.

Somehow, he accumulated 60 bruises on his head, torso and limbs, along with three recent rib fractures, a broken leg and a blow to the liver. When the child's rightful mother, Ms. Matos, returned home from her evening of partying, she found Yiovanni gnarled up on the floor and decided that she'd hop down to the drugstore to "buy him a band aid". She offered up this tasty sound byte:

"Before I left, my son was like in another world... so I tried my best to hurry
up."

Can you do me a favour? Picture that being said by Rosie Perez in "White Men Can't Jump", because that's what I imagine this woman's accent/intonation sounding like. And I find that rather amusing. Pressing on: Apparently bitch didn't want to take Yiovanni to the hospital, fearing that they'd have seen what had happened and want to take her other two children away from her - yeah... that was never an inevitability... NEVER... - so instead the two women tried to make a makeshift splint for his broken leg... and fuck, I dunno, I'll bet they considered putting foundation on his head to hide the bruises... the problem solving methods of the poor... it must have been like rats running through a fucking maze.

Anyway... at 2 AM - some FIVE hours after all this had been done - bitch finally decides to call 911... from a neighbor's apartment, of course. But, unfortunately, by this time it was - to quote Teen Pop phenom JoAnna "JoJo" Levesque - too little, too late. Yiovanni had died, and them bitches was in some trouble. Anyway... Matos lost her kids, naturally, is facing some sort of charges and Molina is serving 15 to life. *pats hands together as if to indicate "and that's that"*

Sad. Anyway... I feel like I should sort of end on a happier note... the other day I was talking to m'best girlfriend, Anth, and he mentioned that some 'unflattering' photos of him from a party a few years ago had been tagged on facebook that he needed to untag immediately. I was like "they're not unflattering. They're just normal. Is it because you're not doing Olsen-twin-face in them?" and he said "Exactly". Anyballs - this is the resulting photoshopping from that conversation...

Peace...

And please, remember - potty training has to happen at everyone's own pace.

--- Aj

M-M-M-M-Monday.../Bitches Loved, Hated, & Song of [last] week...

Fair Monday to you friends,

Hope everyone's weekend was smashing. Mine was. In that I was smashed. For pretty much every second of it. Which explains why there was no post marking the bitch I loved, bitch I hated and song of the week that I normally post on Saturday. So let's do that -

But before we do...

Did anyone catch the SAG's last night? I know... they're typically pretty lame, but what with the EXTREME lack of star-studded kudos-fests happening of late due to the writer's strike, I watched them with MUCH enthuse.

Again, no big surprises in the acting categories... DDL for "There Will Be Blood" - giving a very moving speech and dedicating the award to Heathcliff A. Ledger... Julie "Still Sexxxy at 66" Christie took Best Actress honours home for "Away From Her" and dedicated the award to insanely awesome Dundas & Ossington-based (for real! That's where she lives!) Sarah "S-Po" Polley... Javier Bardem for "No Country For Old Men"... "No Country For Old Men" for Best Cast ergo Best Picture... the real surprise of the evening was legendary Black-tress Ruby Dee scoring Best Supporting Actress for "American Gangster"...

I remember as the nominees were called out, right before the winner was announced I shouted out who I wanted to win, as y'do during these kind of ceremonies...

And I said "Ruby Deeee!" a-la Oprah when she announced Ruby's name at her epic Legend's Ball. That's pretty much the only reason I know Ruby, but it's a fucking good enough one for me to root for her winning. And then bitch totally did win! ... And rambled on aimlessly for what must have been 10 minutes...

Not to Mickey Rooney proportions, mind you... Holy balls... we get it Mickster... you're older than water and have "been in this business for 74 years" and have seen a little wear and tear...

But his crazy, geriatric histrionics came off as full-blown awkward a whoooolllle lot more than they came off as sentimental.

Someone should have just wheeled him out there, had him wave, and proceeded on with the award. Before he opened the envelope to announced best actress in a miniseries, this is what went down:

The Mickster: "It's quite a group. No wonder it's a tie... ... [opens envelope] The actor goes to: Queen Latifah... ... ... ... ..."

[everyone's waiting for him to name the other recipient in what he just proclaimed to be a tie]

The Mickster: "... ... ..."

[still nothing... Queen Latifah isn't present, and the camera wildly pans to the other four actresses who are very much present and looking puzzled as hell as he's not naming the second recipient of the award...]

The Mickster: "Miss Latifah? Miss Latifah? Miss Latifah? Queen Latifah isn't here and it is my honour to accept the award on her behalf..."

[The Mickster waddles offstage and the camera pans to Debra Messing laughing hysterically AT him... not with him...]

It was quite a moment. Anyballs... THE STARS WERE OUT IN FULL FORCE!!! Stars like...

Canada's own lesbot darling, Ellen Page... who seems poised to be the ultimate bridesmaid and never a bride this award season...

Not-so-Ugly Betty star, America Ferrera...

Poster-boy for GuyLiner, Zac Efron...

Trying desperately to bring back the over sized bow that characterized 1988 to absolutely no avail, Sandra Oh-NO!

But of course all eyes were on enigmatic Hollywood power couple, Brandrew...

It was a lovely ceremony. I'm afraid our evening was marred, however, but the constant whisperings wondering if I'm pregnant. Can't people just leave us be?!

Anyway... that's it with that.

Moving on...

BITCH I LOVED [LAST] WEEK -

CAROL CHANNING

Who: Husky-voiced living legend of stage and screen - Try to describe her and not use the word "pizzazz" at least twice.
Why I Love Her [Last] Week: Background: The other day I was downstairs speaking with the assistant to David Mirvish, the divine Tracey Nolan. Somehow Carol Channing came up - likely in reference to her sensational turn in the Klausner & Clarke masterpiece, "Mommy Time" - anywhoozles, Tracey remembered seeing Carol Channing a few years back in a special one-off revival of the musical that helped make C-Chan a star, "Hello Dolly". Now, of course, Carol's old as hell and her zeal and ability for treading the boards must have cooled a bit, right? WRONG. Apparently bitch got out there at 80-however-the-fuck-old she is and the first thing she does is a high kick that I couldn't have dreamt of doing EVEN at my nimblest.

Then I brought up the first time Carol entered my consciousness - t'was the late 80's and it was a special, star-studded retelling of Alice In Wonderland. IF ANYONE ELSE REMEMBERS/SAW THIS, YOU'RE MY HERO.

Basically Carol Channing fucking ruled the shit. Basically. She was the White Queen and sang a song entitled "Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday, But Never Jam Today"... y'welcome...

Yeah. That's another one of those things that somehow made absolutely lucid sense as a kid and now watching it feels like I'm crashing from a particularly heavy meth trip.

MORE background to this: I'm not sure I want to admit it, but meh, I will. Back in high school, I used that as my audition piece for a musical. Not just the song, "Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday, But Never Ever Jam Today" - BUT THE ENTIRE SCENE. That's right... with the help of Amanda Bedson in the role of Alice, I performed the entire scene leading up to that fucking song and that fucking song itself and I'm quite certain I did it in Carol Channing's voice... which really wasn't a conscious decision, per se. Yeah. Anyway.

BITCH I HATE [LAST] WEEK

Tie!

1.) SHIRLEY PHELPS-ROPER

Who: Daughter of hatemonger Fred Phelps - the helmer of the Westboro Baptist Church and GodHatesFags.com, whom earlier last week announced plans to picket the funeral of Heath Ledger - and vocal spokesperson for the organizations.
Why I Hate Her [Last] Week: SO many reasons. A.) Look at the bitch. She's pretty much the poster girl for incest. B.) She's a hatemonger and publicity whore. C.) She's a hypocrite - she's got an illegitimate son - a fact that she was called out on Hot 99.5 The Kane Show in Washington D.C. over the weekend (Listen to the podcast of her phone-in interview HERE... warning... this is one dumb bitch and she will make you see RED) - and she justified this by saying that because she recognizes it's a sin and warns others against making the sin, THAT'S why she's allowed to pass judgement. I hope this woman dies asphyxiating on her diarrhea.

2.) JEAN MANSEL

Who: Lindy Lane resident and wiener-dog enthusiast who refuses to pick up its 'poopie'. This upset her neighbors so much that they took a massive statue of Jesus she had in her front yard hostage until she picked up each and every last morsel of fecal matter. Naturally, this made national news.
Why I Hate Her [Last] Week: Because bitch refused to pick up the poopie from her wieners, and this fact made me burst into random, hysterical fits of laughter so much last week, people thought I was a mental out-patient.

And seeing as it's the end of the month... I'm bringing back yet ANOTHER feature... Bitch YOU Loved/Hates this month!!! VOTING VOTING VOTING VOTING!!! YAAAAY!!!

I realize that I missed a week at the top of the year, so to even the playing field a bit, I'm throwing in Pat Benatar - who is STILL rockin', possibly harder than ever, at 54 years old (a birthday she celebrated earlier this month) - into the Bitch I Loved This Week pool, and American-Idol finalist-turned-super hot mess Jessica Sierra - who saw an arrest, a return to rehab and a super skanky sex tape released this past month - into the Bitch That I Hated This Week pool.

So... a refresher course in the Bitches Loved this month:

Pat Benatar: 80's rock Goddess/Pixie
HeLLga: American Gladiatrix/Reader of this blog
Julie Klausner & Jackie Clarke: She-larious comedy duo/Geniuses behind such viral sensations as "Welcome To Our House", "Mommy Time" and many more...
Carol Channing: Man-voiced Living Legend/Jazz-Baby

Vote HERE for the Bitch YOU Loved this month!

A refresher course in the Bitches Hated this month:

Jessica Sierra: Fallen Idol/super-skank
Britney Spears: Recently British former pop-star/Outpatient
Tom Cruise: Former movie-star/Xenu's chosen one
Shirley Phelps-Roper: Hell-bound Hatemonger/Mother of bastards
Jean Mansel: Public Enemy of Lindy Lane/Poopie Pants

Vote HERE for the Bitch You Hated This Month!!!

I'm typically not one to make my politics known, but I feel comfortable telling you that I voted for HeLLga and Jean Mansel. HeLLga, because i.) SHE'S A KILLING MACHINE and ii.) she myspaced me. Jean Mansel because i.) she doesn't pick up the poopie from her wieners and ii.) I doubt anyone else will vote for her. Meh.

SONG OF THE WEEK

Worst-kept secret of all time: I'm a fucking huge Natasha Bedingfield fan. Honestly, I equivocate her to a young Dusty Springfield.

I recently downloaded a web-rip of her latest album, "Pocketful of Sunshine", and there is a song up on 'der entitled "Happy" that I defy anyone to listen to and not immediately chin up. This song is the aural equivalent to eating a bowl of ice cream, sprinkled with prozac whilst watching a puppy AND kitten playfully wrestly then drift off to sleep in each other's arms. It's nuts.

Download/Listen to it HERE!

Peeeeeace,

--- Aj